Good news, guys! As suspected, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter's second trailer, a.k.a. not the teaser trailer, did a much better job at convincing me to see the movie. Even "Are you a patriot or a vampire?" makes sense now! See for yourselves:

See! It's 'cause the vampires apparently want to take over America. Plus it sounds like it's about Lincoln's exploits from before he was president, which he wanted to keep secret. Neat! I'm still not that sold on the visuals and there are BRAMMs out the wazoo, but I got a glimpse of Dominic Cooper. Now we're getting somewhere.