Twilight Mom by Nina Charest

I’ve got a problem. About a year ago, I came across the Twilight books when I was dropping off some clean clothes in my daughter’s room, and decided to see what the fuss is about. Now things have gotten out of control. My chores, my husband, and my children are neglected, but when I’m not reading and rereading the novels, I’m online looking for more forums and fan fiction. I have no desires to be part of the real world right now. Nothing I was doing before holds any interest to me. I do what I have to do, what I need to do to get by, and that's it. Please tell me it will ease up, even if just a little? My entire world is consumed and in a tailspin. Signed,
Team Edward

Dear Twilight Mom,

I hear ya. I was the same way when I read the books: when I wasn’t at work, out at social engagements, swimming, at church, or hanging with my friends, I was sitting at home, surrounded by my mess, totally lost in Bedward. Oh, wait, I guess that’s not the same, is it? That only lasted a month, and I just don’t like doing chores. In that case, I think you need to get drastic. Here’s what you do: put your copies of the novels (you totally bought your own copies) in a cardboard box. Tape the box closed. Give the box to a trusted friend, and tell her, no matter what you say or do, not to give the box back to you for six months. Delete the forums and fanfic links from your bookmarks. Make a list of the stuff you used to do that you liked, and start doing those things again. I mean, I get what happened here: you were looking for a little escape, and you got carried away. Oh, and one more thing: make an appointment with a therapist to discuss what made you so bored/depressed/unhappy in the first place.

Out in the real world,
Smartypants

Dear Miss Smartypants,
What's the difference between 'program' and 'programme'? I thought at first that people were just confusing the French and English spelling of the words, but I've seen the French spelling in English documents all over the place, and published documents, so it must be acceptable. What's up with that?

- Confused

Dear That’s the Canadian way,

You’re right about the French influence. What you’re looking at, though, is the difference between British and American English. The Brits use ‘program’ for computers and verbs and ‘programme’ for everything else (TV shows, event listings, courses of study, you name it). Americans only have ‘program’ to work with. So what do we do here in Canada? The Canadian Oxford Dictionary (official dictionary of the Canadian Press) makes no distinction between them (when you look up ‘program’ it says, “also programme” next to the word in brackets). Canadian Press Caps & Spelling, however, says that it is always ‘program’ and never ‘programme.’ So what should you do? When in doubt, follow CP style.

Programming magician,
Miss Smartypants

Dear Ms. Pants,
How do I politely turn down a job offer that is below my level without seeming rude or snotty?

Help,
My parents raised me to be nice

Dear Good on ‘em,

I went around a few times on this one, and I think I’ve got it: just say it’s not the kind of work you are looking for. Literally: I appreciate the offer, but it’s not the kind of work I am looking for at this time. The person offering probably thinks a job’s a job, and it’s up to you to set him or her straight if you don’t have the same approach. If it’s not in your field and not a job that would be a good stepping stone, then forget about it. If you’re lucky, it’ll be the opening to a conversation about the type of job you’re really interested in.

On the level,
Smartypants

To legit to quit,

Smartypants

Don’t forget to send your problems, issues, and grammatical confusion to Miss Smartypants at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . She may even get back to you.

Dear Miss Smartypants,

Last week my GF was helping me sort through some old boxes and she came across pics of me and one of my exes. Now some of the pictures were pretty graphic, and no one would ever want to see their BF or GF doing that stuff to someone else. I get why she got upset, but she started asking if I still had feelings for the girl and got all insecure and angry at me. I tried to explain to her that I thought I threw them out (which I honestly did. Why else would I let her anywhere near them??), and that they were taken BEFORE I even MET her. I get why she's upset, but she's still blaming me a week later – which I think is wrong. Yesterday, because I told her I didn't feel like grocery shopping at that moment, she asked me how I'd feel if I saw pictures of her with another guy. I had to bite my tongue from telling her to go ahead and take some if she really wanted to find out. How do I get her to get over it already?!

Signed,
She-won't-shut-up-about-it

Dear You should have said it,

Now that she’s found the pictures, and you’ve explained that you thought you had thrown them out, did you? Did you put them in the garbage right in front of her, so that she knows that whatever she saw is behind you? If not, you should really get on that. Otherwise, there’s not much you can do to make sure she gets over it. She’s probably partially jealous and partially worried, much like the Boy whose Girl had a “bath toy” last month, about what these photos mean. Sit her down and explain, clearly and in no uncertain terms, that those photos were taken a long time ago, that you are with her now, and that all of that is in the past. If she tries to throw it in your face again, remind her that you’ve talked about this, and it’s behind you. If it happens a third time, consider getting a new GF.

Already over it,

Smartypants

Dear Miss Smartypants,

My ex and I have been broken up for two years now. We've both seen, casually, other people that didn't work out. We live in different cities, and we have only seen each other a few times a year since the breakup. Each time, though, it's like the breakup never happened. We hold hands when we walk together, our friends think we're secretly sleeping with each other (which isn't true), and I sink into depression when he leaves. We only talk on the phone every couple of weeks.... but each time it's like I have my best friend (and boyfriend) next to me, making the world brighter.

We cannot be together for several reasons, not the least of which is distance, but I have no idea how to get over him. Each time I'm with someone else I don't find myself missing him, but then that fizzles and he's the one I want to turn to. I know you're going to say to stop talking to him for a while, but... he's also one of my best friends and I don't think I can live without him. What should I do?

Desperately Missing Him

Dear That’s too bad,

I’m going to have to say it anyway: take a break from him. No visits, no phone calls, no chats, texts, or emails. Tell him that this break will occur for the next three months and stick with it. If “distance” isn’t the only reason you broke up, think about all the reasons that you did. Write them down. Write down all the things he used to do that bugged you and made you want to break up with him in the first place. Ask yourself if any of these things have changed about him, and write yes or no in a column next to the items on your list. If you have more yeses than nos, maybe you should rethink the break up. If it’s more nos, stick with your decision. It’s nice to have someone that makes you feel a certain way, but feelings alone can’t make a relationship work. And next time you do see him? Don’t hold his hand.
Ain’t missing you,

Miss Smartypants

Dear Miss Smartypants,

I have been single for a while, and lately I'm hearing a lot of "when you're least expecting it, the perfect guy will come along". Besides the fact that it's annoying to hear and soooo clichéd, it also seems to imply that all I ever do with my time is go man-hunting. Usually, I can roll with being single, but I keep an eye out in case a decent guy comes along. In which case, I am never really "least expecting it". But is that so wrong? What are your thoughts on this “least expecting it” business?

SingleRightNow

Dear Sounds about right to me,

There is nothing wrong with keeping your eye out in case a decent guy comes along, and, quite frankly, there is something wrong with the idea that you should be “least expecting” to meet a decent guy eventually. Just keep doing what you’re doing – involving yourself in activities that interest you, getting out there and meeting new people, letting your friends know that you are available if they know of anyone suitable – and ignore the rest. Perfect partners only appear magically out of nowhere, after you’ve sworn off looking for someone, in the movies. Stay open, see what happens, and don’t be afraid to make the first move.

Coming along any day now,

Smartypants

Dear Miss Smartypants,

I'd really like to get my partner to dress up in the bedroom, but am too embarrassed to bring it up. How should I go about it?

SK

Dear TSK,

It’s too bad you’re too embarrassed to bring it up because short of bringing home porn with the exact outfit you’d like your partner to wear/the outfit itself, showing it to him/her, and waggling your eyebrows suggestively, I don’t know how else you are going to get your interests across without using your voice. As such, here are some guidelines for bringing up the fetish with the partner:

1. Choose your moment carefully. You want to introduce the subject at a time when your partner is most likely to be receptive to the idea. To be honest, because dressing up is so banal, I can’t imagine there is a time when any partner wouldn’t be receptive, but, if you are going to suggest something a little more hardcore, consider the when and where. You could slip the suggestion in with your usual before/during dirty talk and in the afterglow ask, “So are you into that?” Or you could wait until your partner walks in the door to announce, “Guess what, honey? I want you to dress up like a French maid/naughty schoolgirl/Santa!” Whatever time you think is best.
2. Reassure your partner. Make sure that your partner understands that this isn’t something you want to do all the time, nor will it replace the sex you currently have. You are only asking your partner to give this a try.
3. Wait. Don’t demand an answer, particularly a positive one, right away. Answer any questions, and give your partner time to think.
4. Bring it up again. Just because you’ve put it out there doesn’t mean that you should let it drop. Now that your partner has had time to think (maybe a week or so?), ask him/her again if they are willing to give it a try. Go over the parameters again (this would be a supplement not a replacement, your partner can help set the terms, etc.) and make sure there are no lingering questions. If you partner still wants time to think, give it to him/her. But not too long.
5. Offer a trade. This one is last ditch, so use it only in case of emergency. Think of something you partner has suggested in the past that you ignored or vetoed, and offer to do that (or a variation on it) in exchange for the fulfillment of your fantasy. If you can’t think of anything, ask.
   

All in all, this plan hinges on your ability to tell your partner what interests you. No matter how embarrassed you might be, it’s worse to wonder, long, and grow to resent.

You can do it,

Miss Smartypants

Don’t forget to send your problems, issues, and grammatical confusion to Miss Smartypants at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . She may even get back to you.

I share an apartment with two friends, a guy and girl, that have been a couple for about as long as I've known them. The trouble started, the other day, when I found a dildo drying in the dish rack. At first, I honestly didn't realize what it was. It didn't look like any vibrator I've seen before. It was blue, and kind of looked like an elongated dolphin, so I thought it was some sort of bath toy. Anyways, when I picked it up I accidentally switched it on. It lit up and started shaking, which caught me off guard, so I dropped it. The bottom part shattered when it hit the floor, plus the noise brought my two roommates running into the kitchen. Now, I don't care what people do in the bedroom, to each their own, you know, but the boyfriend got all offended (I guess she never told him about her little blue friend). They began to argue, and, not wanting to get involved, I left. When I came back, the guy refused to talk to me (despite me telling him that I didn't care, and for him to get over it). The girl's a bit embarrassed, but is mostly fine (I've known her longer). Is there anything else I can do to make my guy friend get over it?

Flippered

Dear Flip,

Guy’s worried about two things: 1) what this means, and 2) what you think this means. Assuming it’s true that he didn’t know about "her little blue friend," he’s not only worried that this means that he is in some way sexually inadequate, but also that you know that Girl finds Guy sexually dissatisfying. Now, you and I know that masturbation happens, and that most times, it’s not worth getting upset about. So what can you do for Guy? Act like it never happened and never bring it up again. Telling him to get over it isn’t going to make him get over it, so the best thing you can do is show him that you are over it. So over it that it never happened in the first place. Feel free to tell Girl that while you appreciate her commitment to hygiene, maybe leaving her sex toy in the public dish rack, while everyone was home, wasn’t the brightest idea she’s ever had. Girl was looking to start something. Also, "thought it was a bath toy"? Nice try, buddy.

Smarts

Dear Miss Smartypants,

I just got a job possibility at a company where a friend of mine works, but in a different section. I'm thinking about asking him to put in a good word for me, but I'm also worried that it might be a conflict of interest thing. Thoughts?

Awkwardness

Dear Awk,

Start by asking your friend if he knows anyone in the section with the opportunity. For all you know, he could be like, "I don't even know what that is." On the other hand, if he knows, given that he is a friend, he may guess that that is what you are after and offer to put in a good word for you. It's not so much a conflict of interest as it is an awkward. If he's in that section or knows someone who is, I say go for it.

Good luck,

Pants

Dear Miss Smartypants,

My friend just pointed out a rust spot on the back of my shirt. It’s ruined, right?

Stained

Dear Have No Fear,

While laundry is my most hated chore, I actually know the answer to this one. I hope your shirt’s white, though, as this trick works best on white clothing. Soak the rust spot with lemon juice, cover the juice with a nice heaping of table salt, and leave the item lying out in the sun for several hours. When the salt and lemon juice are dry, flake the salt off. Presto - stain removed! If the stain has only lessened, repeat the process until it’s gone. When it is, wash the spot and then put your shirt in the laundry. Check out the machine first, though, to be sure it wasn’t what put the offending spot there in the first place.

Smartypants

Smarts,

[In a recent article] some guy you quoted said 'home in' ... isn't it hone in?

Fan

Dear You’re Sweet,

As for 'hone in' vs. 'home in,' I respectfully disagree. To home in is to focus in on a target. To hone is to sharpen. Mind you, hone in has, since at least 1965, been around as an alternative to home in, so I suppose at this point you could use either and be correct, but more often than not people mean to close in on a specific point rather than get ready for some cutthroat activities, so I’d go with "home" over "hone."

Smarts

Don’t forget to send your problems, issues, and grammatical confusion to Miss Smartypants at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . She may even get back to you.