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|Written by Miss Smartypants|
|Monday, 30 August 2010 00:00|
Dear Miss Smartypants,
I have a friend who is deeply in love with herself. I've been friends with her for around 4 years now and when we first met I was drawn to her because of her vibrant and enthusiastic personality. She's kind, cultured and smart. Everything you could want in an ultimate friend. The thing is over the past year she broke up with her on and off again boyfriend and she's been emotionally unstable every since. To be frank....She's CRAZY... and she's been driving me crazy. I can't spend more than 15 mins on the phone with her because she'll end up ranting about her boyfriend (who I didn't really like very much in the first place). Honestly, the guy was lazy, cheated on her and mooched off of her for 3 years. So you can see why I find it hard to hear her defend him. Deep down I really think it was good that she left her. But she's convinced that he's the one.
Aside from being bitter about her last relationship, it's only been lately that I've noticed that she's also been super competitive ... bragging about her new job promotion and pointing out how much better her life is then mine. I'm not one to compete when it comes to friends -- so I sarcastically tell her that she's right. She's won at the game of life and I'm a total failure. It's just extra negative drama that I don't like to be around.
Oh she's also late for every dinner or social outing we have. One time I sat in a restaurant for an hour and a half and by the time she showed up I had already ordered and eaten my salad and was working on my main meal. I was super pissed and when pushed to see what happened she used a weak ass excuse about how the bus came late. Not to mention the other times she's showed up late without any excuse.
I'm typically patient but this chick is stretching my patience. I tried to be a good friend, by being a good sounding board. But I cringe every time I hear her bullshit excuses for why her ex was the one for her. One time, I tried to tell her the truth about how I can't handle her being late any more for our dates and she didn't even apologize and shrugged it off. She just continued making lame excuses. WTF???!!!
At this point I'm annoyed and frustrated! Like every relationship there are deal breakers- but if she's crazy, is late for absolutely everything, and treats everything I tell her as a competitive motion don't you think I should call it quits? Would the three strikes rule apply in this case? How many chances should you give a friend?
Personally I want to dump her as a friend...but my husband says I'm taking it way too personal. It's been two months now and I've neglected to write her or call her. She hasn't contacted me either. Should I consider this relationship over at this point? What do I do if I awkwardly run into her on the street? Do I pick up where we left things last or do I literally disappear off the face of the earth???
Back in high school, I called a friend and left her a message. Two weeks later, I realized that she hadn't called me back. Then I realized that it took me so long to notice because I didn't care. Our friendship had run its course, so no returned call was good enough for me to consider it over.
In your case, however, it's been two months, and you're still wondering because you do care. You might only care your husband says you are taking things too personally (how else do you take a friendship?), but I'd guess that you are still burning up because you feel wronged. You were wronged. It's wrong to treat someone the way your friend has treated you. It's wrong to leave people waiting, it's wrong not to apologize when that happens, it's wrong to focus every conversation on yourself, and it's wrong to treat friendships like Olympic events. Overall, your friend has been selfish and immune to your lacklustre attempts to correct her.
Here's the thing - and I want to make this clear before we go on - you are never going to get a satisfactory explanation or apology out of your so-called friend. She's never going to admit she was wrong, and she isn't going to change. So now that you've let her go, let it go.
As for what to do if/when you run into her in the street or she eventually contacts you (and she might, given how flaky she sounds), be non-committal. "Great to see you can't stop bye!" "Lovely to hear from you again crazy busy life bye!" Never say "see you," or "we should get drinks," or anything of the sort that could lead to actual plans.
Never mind the crazy or the ex-boyfriend or the one-upmanship. Ninety minutes late without a phone call or text? So not worth it.