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|Written by Miss Smartypants|
|Monday, 05 July 2010 00:00|
Dear Miss Smartypants,
My friend is always coming to me with her relationship cry-cry, and then she's back with him the next day no matter what I say. That's fine if she wants to be like that, but I don't want to listen to it any more. To clarify, he's not abusive or anything, just sort of a dick, and they aren't happy together. Is it wrong of me to be that way? Should I be supportive no matter what?
On the contrary, you're not doing anyone any favours by being supportive all the time no matter what. I know our culture will tell you otherwise, but everyone else is wrong. You can be supportive, but only to a point. After that, you need to master accepting without approving. Believe me, this is not an easy task. You can accept that your friend is a certain way -- that she's going to stay involved with a dick regardless of what it does to her or what you say. But you don't have to approve -- you don't have to listen to her cry-cry all the time. You can (and should) cut her off. Let her know exactly where you are coming from, "Friend, you keep coming to me for advice, but you never take it. You cry-cry about your relationship, but you never do anything about it. You're adult who can make your own choices, and so am I. I don't want to hear about it anymore." Then don't. It's much harder than I just made it sound. You have to refuse. If she asks for your advice, don't give it. If you wants you to listen to her cry-cry, change the topic or extricate yourself from the situation. Eventually she'll get the message. If you are really lucky, she'll eventually get your subtextual message (this dude sucks), but I wouldn't bank on it.