Ask Miss Smartypants - September 2008

I share an apartment with two friends, a guy and girl, that have been a couple for about as long as I've known them. The trouble started, the other day, when I found a dildo drying in the dish rack. At first, I honestly didn't realize what it was. It didn't look like any vibrator I've seen before. It was blue, and kind of looked like an elongated dolphin, so I thought it was some sort of bath toy. Anyways, when I picked it up I accidentally switched it on. It lit up and started shaking, which caught me off guard, so I dropped it. The bottom part shattered when it hit the floor, plus the noise brought my two roommates running into the kitchen. Now, I don't care what people do in the bedroom, to each their own, you know, but the boyfriend got all offended (I guess she never told him about her little blue friend). They began to argue, and, not wanting to get involved, I left. When I came back, the guy refused to talk to me (despite me telling him that I didn't care, and for him to get over it). The girl's a bit embarrassed, but is mostly fine (I've known her longer). Is there anything else I can do to make my guy friend get over it?

Flippered

Dear Flip,

Guy’s worried about two things: 1) what this means, and 2) what you think this means. Assuming it’s true that he didn’t know about "her little blue friend," he’s not only worried that this means that he is in some way sexually inadequate, but also that you know that Girl finds Guy sexually dissatisfying. Now, you and I know that masturbation happens, and that most times, it’s not worth getting upset about. So what can you do for Guy? Act like it never happened and never bring it up again. Telling him to get over it isn’t going to make him get over it, so the best thing you can do is show him that you are over it. So over it that it never happened in the first place. Feel free to tell Girl that while you appreciate her commitment to hygiene, maybe leaving her sex toy in the public dish rack, while everyone was home, wasn’t the brightest idea she’s ever had. Girl was looking to start something. Also, "thought it was a bath toy"? Nice try, buddy.

Smarts

Dear Miss Smartypants,

I just got a job possibility at a company where a friend of mine works, but in a different section. I'm thinking about asking him to put in a good word for me, but I'm also worried that it might be a conflict of interest thing. Thoughts?

Awkwardness

Dear Awk,

Start by asking your friend if he knows anyone in the section with the opportunity. For all you know, he could be like, "I don't even know what that is." On the other hand, if he knows, given that he is a friend, he may guess that that is what you are after and offer to put in a good word for you. It's not so much a conflict of interest as it is an awkward. If he's in that section or knows someone who is, I say go for it.

Good luck,

Pants

Dear Miss Smartypants,

My friend just pointed out a rust spot on the back of my shirt. It’s ruined, right?

Stained

Dear Have No Fear,

While laundry is my most hated chore, I actually know the answer to this one. I hope your shirt’s white, though, as this trick works best on white clothing. Soak the rust spot with lemon juice, cover the juice with a nice heaping of table salt, and leave the item lying out in the sun for several hours. When the salt and lemon juice are dry, flake the salt off. Presto - stain removed! If the stain has only lessened, repeat the process until it’s gone. When it is, wash the spot and then put your shirt in the laundry. Check out the machine first, though, to be sure it wasn’t what put the offending spot there in the first place.

Smartypants

Smarts,

[In a recent article] some guy you quoted said 'home in' ... isn't it hone in?

Fan

Dear You’re Sweet,

As for 'hone in' vs. 'home in,' I respectfully disagree. To home in is to focus in on a target. To hone is to sharpen. Mind you, hone in has, since at least 1965, been around as an alternative to home in, so I suppose at this point you could use either and be correct, but more often than not people mean to close in on a specific point rather than get ready for some cutthroat activities, so I’d go with "home" over "hone."

Smarts

Don’t forget to send your problems, issues, and grammatical confusion to Miss Smartypants at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . She may even get back to you.

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