Last night’s True Blood, “Me and the Devil,” was another week of not much going on, but a lot of pieces were moved into place for things to go batshit in the weeks to come. For now we’re treated to some heavy philosophy, bouncing from religious freedom to heaven and hell to the nature of evil. Spectral Godric makes a very bad appearance, Adele makes a very good one from the Great Beyond, Lettie Mae resurfaces, King Bill’s life gets a little worse, Jason’s life gets a little better, and Tommy becomes a skinwalker. Best part? Not a single second in Horrible Hot Shot.

What about War and Self-Defence?

Joe-Lee’s still got that chain around Tommy’s neck at the top of the hour, and Melinda is running around alternating yelling at Joe-Lee not to kill Tommy and Tommy to be nicer to his dad. Melinda has gone from being tragic victim of violence to full-on crazy lady for me. Kill ‘em both, Tommy. And he does! Hurray! He plays dead a little, then brains Joe-Lee with a pipe. He keeps having to throw his crazy mama off his shoulder, and eventually Melinda doesn’t get up from one of those falls. “Mama?” he gaps into the credits.

Let's skip over the usual blah blah about why is this happening again and so soon re: Spider-Man, okay? We'll revel in the casting, the positively defiant high school/Gwen Stacey-ism of it all, and hope against hope that that first person shooter stuff of Spider-Man running around New York isn't going to make the final cut of the film. Watch:

The Lexicon: an occasional feature in which we identify movie/TV lines worth repeating.

Source: Al Swearegen (Ian McShane), Deadwood, "Suffer the Little Children" (S1, E8)

Usage: A job well done.

Either that or we'd all have to scream our fool heads off in anticipation. When is this movie coming out again? Oh, yeah. Next summer. Peppered with shots from Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, watch the video after the jump for a little bit of Dickie Edlund.

Last night’s True Blood, “I’m Alive and on Fire,” was something of a letdown after three weeks of AMAZING. It naturally had to be (how could you keep that up?), though it was still disappointing when not much happened (and doubly disappointing to crash to black at 9:50 exactly). We did, however, get to further experience the tragedy of Bill Compton, gain some insight into our embittered witch friend, and watch one of the horrible denizens of Hot Shot die. Plus, there was a Wet Torso Contest, so I guess it’s not all bad.

I Will Slay All the Sea Monsters

No sooner has Claudine gone up in a cloud of faerie dust than Sookie is insistent that Eric get back to his cubby, lest the fae be lurking about. Puppy Eric is apparently more interested in keeling over. Just when I think he’s on his very own trip to Fairy Land, he sort of snores and wiggles his arms around and gets back up, blood all over his face because blood never washes. He slurs that he wants more and keeps approaching Sookie long after she tells him to quit it. He flicks back her side pony tail (guess he’s a right biter). As he comes in for the bite, Sookie whisper-yells, “Don’t, Eric, you’ll kill me.” Puppy Eric’s head snaps back. Wounded, he explains that he could never hurt Sookie. The fangs retract. Relieved, Sookie tries to lead him to the cubby, but Eric’s not having it. He keeps pinching her butt (“beautiful butt,” he clarifies) and running away at vamp-speed. Finally, Sookie gets it, “Eric, you’re drunk.” Drunkety drunk drunk drunk would be more accurate, but I guess that’s close enough. Drunky Eric is like, “Duh, Snooki.” Despite dawn approaching, he’s upping grab ass to tag. “Chase me,” he implores, taking off at vamp-speed. Sookie chases him into the credits.

Ho, boy. Last night’s True Blood, “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?” had a whole lot of only a few of things: horrible Crystal in horrible Hot Shot, approximately 1000 new faces from Puppy Eric, and rape. Talking about it, threatening it, seeing it happen. If you know me, then you know that’s my line, so I don’t know how I am going to deal with the fallout. I’ll probably comfort myself with the triumphant return of Alcide.

This is . . . my house?

Out by the side of the road, the camera makes sure to lovingly pan up from Puppy Eric’s bare feet (called it!), revel in his naked torso, and come to rest on his handsome, confused face. Fangs out, he wonders anew why Sookie smells so good, but this time he’s a little more descriptive: “Like wheat (sniff) and honey (sniff) and sunshine.” Sookie: “You know perfectly well why I smell . . . the way that I do.” She punctuates this with a pert little nod, like, this topic is no longer open for discussion, and I marvel at the idea that Sookie/Anna Paquin was ever considered a weak link on this show. We couldn’t be luckier to have her, folks. Puppy Eric, however, pays no never mind to the naysayers and leans into the car to, I don’t know, take a big whiff. Sookie hits the gas, makes it all of a couple of hundred feet while watching Puppy Eric in the rear view, then stops when she doesn’t see him anymore. Forsooth, Sookie. Try to remember that time he punched a giant dent into the front of your car. Was that her car or was it Bill’s? If it was her’s, you know he got that fixed up, too. Do you think it’s significant that her car and her house are yellow? Is it related to her sunshiny-ness? Item reserved. So Sookie’s looking around when Puppy Eric reappears and pounces on her through her open window. Sookie screams us into the credits.

If “She’s Not There,” was set up, then last night’s True Blood, “You Smell Like Dinner,” is rapid payoff. Sure, a lot of it is just pushing forward everyone’s season arcs, but it feels less like soapy wheel spinning (secrets and lies) and more like actual things happening. Say what you will about True Blood; this show can cram a helluva lot of plot into an hour. Check it: Tara’s back, Crystal’s back, Bill flashes back, Eric flashes back, Sookie runs all over town trying to figure out how not to be Eric’s, and Pam gives some really good advice. Also, Louis Pasteur? Total vampire. Someone update that entry, STAT.

Two Sookies Enter, Only One Can Leave

Despite how we left things, with Eric advancing on Sookie fangs out and Sookie’s robe in his hand, Sookie’s hurrying down the stairs of Stackhouse Shack while tying her robe and denying that she will ever be Eric’s. Alright, let’s just get this one out of the way upfront, so we can concentrate on the proceedings: WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT DOESN’T WANT TO BE ERIC’S? SIGN ME UP! Ahem. Right, so, Eric zips down the stairs and tells it like it is: Sookie’s blood tastes like freedom and sunshine. While vampires may not realize it or why, that’s what they smell when they smell her. Sookie asks petulantly if Eric is threatening her (get a clue, Sook). He explains that on the contrary, Sookie’s going to need protection, and, straightening up to his full height of GIANT, he can offer that protection. Sookie will take her chances and flounces off to the kitchen, but Eric’s not going to rest his case quite that fast. He also, as you may recall, owns this house. Sookie snaps back that the house doesn’t come with her inside it, and Eric fires off that if that is the case, he “grossly overpaid.” I still think it’s gross that Eric considers Sookie transitive property or property of any kind, really.

Hey, remember Tuesday Recipes? Well, I'm bringing 'em back. The credit for this one should actually go to Lauren (in addition to Nigella, of course). She served 'em up right at a party, and I've been going crazy over them ever since. 

Ingredients

• 2 1/4 cups (18-ounces) assorted unsalted nuts, including peeled peanuts, cashews, Brazil nuts, hazelnuts, walnuts, pecans and whole unpeeled almonds
• 2 tablespoons coarsely chopped fresh rosemary leaves
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 2 teaspoons dark brown sugar
• 2 teaspoons Maldon or other sea salt
• 1 tablespoon unsalted butter, melted

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Toss the nuts in a large bowl to combine and spread them out on a baking sheet. Toast in the oven until light golden brown, about 10 minutes.

HOLY SHIT! Truth: I yelled that while HBO Canada was giving me the 14A warning. Nothing had happened yet, but I was really excited, you guys. Fortunately, last night’s Season 4 True Blood première, “She’s Not There,” had “holy shit” in spades. It’s been over a year since Sookie stepped into the light with Claudine, and it has lead to a lot of delicious new developments for every single one of our beloved characters. Also, Eric tries his hand at growling. Result? Excellent. Now let’s do bad things.

WAIT: Before this season started, I read a number of things about how True Blood can get back on track after Season 3. I wasn’t aware that it went off-track in S3, but apparently people weren’t as into vampire politics as I am. Too bad, fools. Russell Edginton is a genius creation. Denis O’Hare, hats off to you.

The Lexicon: an occasional feature in which we identify movie/TV lines worth repeating.

Source: Michael Bluth (Jason Bateman), Arrested Development, "Key Decisions" (S1, E4)

Usage: Shit happens.

I just finished reading "Sorry Women, Summer Films Are for Boys," Dorothy Woodend's latest on The Tyee. Though we don't always agree, I'm a big fan Ms. Woodend's work. I went into this article with the suspicion that I wouldn't agree and not just because I'm a fan of the latest X-Men. Essentially because I'm a man-boy (or is it a boy-man?) at heart.

My best friend and I have a movie philosophy that amounts to "explosions Friday; art house Saturday." We're members of the Bytowne and love it there, and we're faithful patrons of the World Exchange Centre, a theatre more likely than the rest in Ottawa to pick up smaller films. But by the end of the week, you're not always in the right mental space to go deep or thoughtful or heavy. Sometimes you just want to watch things blow up real good.

Then I got to this caveat:

I was perusing the latest Fast Forward Weekly (a Calgary-based alt weekly) when I came across Danny Austin's Super 8 review. Check the description/subtitle/abstract/whatever you want to call it:  "Finally, an original movie hits screens."

What's that you say? An original movie? Sounds like someone read a little article about this year's crop of original summer movies! 

I mean, you know, probably not. But because I am the queen of specious shout-outs, I shall claim it. Shout out!

The Lexicon: an occasional feature in which we identify movie/TV lines worth repeating.

Source: Jenny Humphrey (Taylor Momsen), Gossip Girl, "Summer Kind of Wonderful" (S2, E1)

Usage: Awkward conversation ender. It's your new "end scene."

Summit has finally, finally released a The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 trailer (November is so far away! Hurry up and distract me, True Blood!), and it looks like Bill Condon might just pull this one off. And by "this one," I mean, "easily the most ridiculous of all the Twilight books, and that's saying something." I admire the balls-out bonkers-ness of Breaking Dawn, but you're in for a doozy. In the meantime, let's examine the evidence after the jump.

Remember last year when I was constantly distracted during the first half of the season of True Blood by Bill's sudden hotness? You know, back when he was wearing dinner jackets? Then he got back with Sookie and stopped being hot. Well, good news! I saw some new images from the upcoming season (June 26th cannot come soon enough), and Bill's hot again! Check it out for yourself:

I mean, pocket squares? It's like he's undergoing a Chuck Bass-ification. Which probably explains shit like this:

By dropping period trappings on that ass, of course! Playbill has series of two minute shorts called "Jersey Shore Gone Wilde" in which dialogue is lifted from Jersey Shore and given an Oscar Wilde treatment. The results are far more hilarious than they should be. Check it after the jump!

Remember last year when Gossip Girl finally learned how to do a finale right? This year, with Monday night’s “The Wrong Goodbye,” they went us one better: not only was Georgina on the scene to wreak adorably unhinged havoc, she sniffed out a kindred in a matter of minutes. Attagirl. Otherwise, Serena and Dan finally admit the truth, Blair gets her fairytale, and Chuck and his beloved get back together in style. AND my prediction that Ed Westwick would make up for last week’s dearth of exquisitely expressive faces proves so right I may have to get a swooning couch.

Not unless the thing was twisted and nasty, in which case my help could prove invaluable.

Vanessa and Serena have teamed up to find Charlie. Vanessa doesn’t know that Serena’s a certified crime fighter, so she’s boo-hooing all Serena’s ideas and generally being Vanessa up in this cab. Serena finally shuts the bickering down and decides that they should just work together until they know the status of the currently unfolding murder-suicide they’ve imagined. Also, as suspected, Charlie Single White Female-d her roommate in college. That was her bugaboo.

Some of our dear readers have been asking me why I haven’t returned to recapping Supernatural since . . . oh, 2010. That is a long time, isn’t it? So, it looks like I haven’t recapped since Sam came back. Real Sam instead of my beloved Soulless Sammy. Part of is the obvious: recapping takes a long time, and I’s be busy. Part of it, and maybe the bigger part of it, is the same thing I’ve been struggling with all season: I’m just not loving Season 6. There have been good episodes here and there (stand out: “Weekend at Bobby’s”), but nothing that much seems to happen anymore. I don’t feel like we’re building anywhere (plus, Season 7?!), and “The Man Who Would Be King” just furthers my point.

I’m going to have to go way off topic here to illustrate my point, so please hang in there, because there is one.

Okay, do you remember “I am God,” Season 2, Episode 18 of Veronica Mars? It directly followed “Plan B,” which was flat out one of the best episodes of Veronica Mars ever (it might just be my favourite). “Plan B” wrapped up the mystery that had carried over from the Season 1 finale (Felix’s murder), whereas “I am God” focused on the mystery that began Season 2 (bus crash). Here’s the difference: Felix’s murder was a huge deal. Solving it was important to multiple main characters (Logan and Weevil primarily), and they all put a lot of effort into it. The bus crash, despite being a mass murder of which Veronica mistakenly initially believed she was the target, just wasn’t. It wasn’t addressed for episodes at a time, Veronica never seemed to put that much thought into it, and, aside from Meg, we didn’t really know any of the victims. Yet suddenly, five episodes from the end of the season, we’re expected to believe that not only has this unsolved mystery been on Veronica’s mind all along but also that she’s being HAUNTED by the victims. Yeah, in her dreams, but still. Haunted. It felt like the writers realized too late that they had broken the arc incorrectly over the season and jammed an episode in to correct the pacing.

I’ve left it way too late to give you a proper recap of last Thursday’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Sun Also Rises,” but feel I must write something, so here goes: relentlessly advertizing it as the episode before the season finale, even though it focused on the season-long obsession (the sacrifice) made it pretty clear to me FROM THE JUMP that we haven’t seen the last of Klaus. If I were a betting woman, I would have split my monies thusly: the sacrifice goes according to plan (for Klaus, obvs), and he spends the next episode terrorizing everyone who tried to stop him OR the sacrifice doesn’t go according to plan, and he spends the next episode terrorizing everyone who stopped him. Instead, Klaus gets everything he wants, and we’re going to spend the next episode dealing with . . . Damon’s feelings? (More on this in a minute).

Alright, so there’s some other stuff in between. Stuff like Jenna totally dying. As much as I liked Jenna, Sara Canning was wildly underused for most of the series’ run, so it’s better for the show (and the actress, I hope) to cut its losses. A lot of her scenes in this ep, outside of the serious emotional stuff with Elena, were Vampire 101, and we’ve already been through that with Vicki and Caroline (come to think of it, why no new male vampires, show?). Again, as much as I like Jenna and Canning as Jenna, we’ve done this. Let’s move on to the good stuff, like Klaus totally ripping out Jules’ heart. Admit it: you cheered. No one liked Jules, did they?

Right, Jenna. Jenna, heartbreakingly, realizes that she’s failed Elena as her guardian (it was really more of a fail by omission, in that she never knew enough about what was happening to do a better job), so she gives protecting her ward one last effort: she sinks those brand-new vampire fangs into Greta’s neck. Unfortunately, Klaus pulls her off before she can finish the job and stakes Jenna. She dies. It’s both a devastating blow and not much of one, all things considered.