Posted by: April on Oct 6, 2010
Monday's Gossip Girl, "Touch of Eva," gave us several unexpected things: Eva's not evil, Nate is capable of using powers of observation, and Dan's hair could always get worse. All this and the greatest thing Chuck has ever said since "I'm Chuck Bass." Delicious!
Only Eva Could Make Being a Secret Prostie Boring
Blair and Serena lie to each other's faces that they are going to stay away from Chuck/Eva and Dan/Vanessa/Nate/Juliet, respectively. Blair's been Gossip Girl0stalking Chuck/Eva, learning about his newfound philanthropy and Cartier watch-giving. Aw, remember when Blair had to talk him out of buying a homeless shelter and turning it into lofts for hipsters? Good stuff. Blair tries retail therapy, by which she means pricing the watch Chuck gave Eva to see if it is more valuable than anything he gave her, and finds Eva returning the watch for cash, which she films. Attagirl.
Blair almost immediately runs over the Empire, proposing tea with Chuck and Eva as a little welcome to the neighbourhood. Chuck immediately recognizes that Blair's "visit probably has more to do with a scheme than a scone" since no one in their right mind believes Blair eats bacon scones. Also, bacon scone? Is it possible that the bacon craze has finally gone too far? Blair spills about the watch return, and, in turn, Eva spills that she gave the money to Chuck's porter, Ivan, to help Ivan save his mom's house. It's always the house they grew up in, isn't it? Good thing Serena's a nomad. Also, Blair reminds everyone of the time Chuck prostituted her for a hotel, and I have a feeling Eva can relate. Anyway, Blair's like, "Sorry I tried to claw your face off that time," and Eva's like, "That's cool. I was just explaining to Juliet how I am into the pluraity of self because I am European." Chuck reveals that Eva is in charge of choosing the lucky charity to receive his $5 million donation at his rooftop party that night. I picture an incredibly cruel party with the contenders attend and have to face some sort of Top Charity judging panel. Sadly, Chuck is too busy being good to do anything that hilarious.
Blair cannot deal with Eva's saintly behaviour, so she lies in wait and pounces on Eva when she leaves Empire, showing her around to charities and trying to "help" her choose one while pumping her for information about her life story. Among other things, Eva went to Prague to get a job to help save her family's cheese farm. To you she could relate. The story is relayed back to Serena and Dan because it takes two to google. Well, maybe it does if Serena is one of the two. And what do Serena and Dan unearth just in time for Blair to come home? Eva lived in the red light district where Chuck was found because she was a prostitute. She even used her real name on her page on the brothel's website. Blair is elated and plans to announce this at the party, but Serena cautions her to simply take Chuck aside rather than embarrassing everyone publicly since Blair will come off looking worse than everyone else in that scenario. For all their problems, I think Serena is the Blair-whisperer. That's why she can't really do anything else. Blair-whispering is a full time gig.
Having been sworn to secrecy, Dan immediately tells Nate that he has a big juicy secret. Nate breaks Dan with that time honoured logic: bros before hos. Dan spills about Eva being a total prostitute, and Nate has to remember for a minute that time he was a total prostitute. Because Nate's into honesty this episode, he turns right around and tells Chuck. Chuck's all, "I might be nice today, but I'm still Chuck Bass," meaning he had Eva investigated. Nathaniel's a little rusty when it comes to reading Chuck's faces, so he misses the fact that Chuck's over-investment in the game of snooker he's playing against himself means he most assuredly did not have Eva investigated. What's with these two and their pool table? It always seems like only one of them is ever at it. Maybe they are like those people who play long-distance chess and only make one move a week or something. Like now Nate has to wait until next Monday to get his chance at the cue. Somehow, that sounds dirty.
Eva's getting ready for the rooftop party, and Chuck's like, "Let's talk about how you are a total prostitute offscreen." Next time we see them, they're together at the party. Blair and her bowtied dress will just see about that. Unfortunately, Chuck heads her off at the pass, telling her he knows and accuses her of planning to make a scene. Since Blair had decided not to make a scene, this accusation makes her pissed off enough to plant Chuck's newly returned passport in Eva's bag to convince him that Eva knew who he really was all along. Well, that and overhearing Eva talking to Chuck about how understanding he is of her past because of his own. Chuck announces the Eva Coupure Foundation, meaning that he's giving Eva the $5 million to donate as she sees fit. Annually? 'Cause otherwise it's not much of a foundation.
Mind you, when the passport turns up in Eva's bag, Chuck, of course, buys this hook, line, and sinker because Blair frames it as the result of her snooping. It's Blair-must-be-spying-because-she's-wearing-her-beret all over again.
Chuck confronts Eva, who thinks for half a second about denying it but decides to just drop this drama. It's pretty bad: Chuck accuses her of wanting to set him up just like his mom and uncle did, and then he tells her to pack her things but only the ones she came with. Ick, Chuck. On his way to the bar, Chuck notes to Blair that he never should have believed that someone as good as he thought Eva was would ever love him. Blair looks stricken. At the bar proper, Lily tells him about dropping off his personal effects with the porter, and Chuck realizes that Blair set him up. He catches Eva before she leaves but not before she realizes that she'll never be able to really come between Chuck and Blair. It's actually pretty sad. In the end, everyone leaves.
Blair's about to pour out the whole sordid scene to Serena, who's lounging in her ab-bearing evening wear, when Dorota tells Blair that Mister Chuck is here. Chuck's outraged that Blair would set him up this way and even more so when Blair's shocked to learn that Eva left. For someone who claims to know Blair as well as he does, he seems to have forgotten that Blair loves chaos. She spins a top with the belief that it will keep spinning forever not the understanding that it will eventually topple over. Blair tries to protest, so Chuck tries the only other possible motivation for Blair's behaviour: she still loves him. While we all know this to be true, Blair takes one look at Chuck's face, decides that any possible answer will get her shived, and eventually settles on, "How could I have what you did to me?" Unfortunately she missed the undercurrent of "Say yes and we will have hot sex in the elevator lobby immediately" to Ed Westwick's exquisitely expressive face. Too bad. So Chuck looks Blair right in the eye and ominously lays it out: “This means war, Blair. Me versus you. No limits.” Oh, hells yes. It's the single greatest thing since "I'm Chuck Bass." I cannot wait.
Nate Uses His Head
An unlikely occurrence to be sure, but there is it. Nate realizes that Juliet never being around and always running off and lying about her whereabouts and being homeless is suspect. New Chuck advises him to simply be honest with Juliet, telling her that he wants exclusivity. Juliet claims that that's what she wants, too. At the rooftop party, however, Nate reads Juliet's text from "Ben" because reading other people's texts has worked out so well for him in the past and tells her that her lying ways make her just like Serena. AAt least he doesn't call her a turbo slut while he's at it. Outside, he runs into Serena, who compassionately tells him that no matter what, they are still friends and he can talk to her if he needs to. Nate runs off to the bar, where Juliet confesses that Ben is her troubled brother, who takes up a lot of her time and energy. They let you text from prison? That doesn't seem right. Anyway, Juliet has her secrets and one day she'll share them. Nate takes this as a positive because he has no foresight, and Juliet takes him to an apartment that we know isn't hers even if Nate doesn't.
Dan Does Not
Since Georgina took Milo, Dan's done nothing but get a terrible new haircut that emphasizes what's either a widow's peak or a receding hairline in the worst possible way. Vanessa calls in Lily and Rufus both because she is an idiot and because she wants Dan to see that getting Rufus' haircut is never the solution. Seriously. He needs a broader face and more relaxed hair texture like his father's to carry it off. Dan lies that he has plans with Nate and shows up at Serena's. Serena, too, tries to engage Dan in conversation about his feelings, but Dan just wants to have fun instead. Serena's good with that. Everyone else reacts like Dan not wanting to talk about his feelings every second of every day is criminal as opposed to a relief. Being in denial isn't good either, but it's okay to be numb for a little while. Just ask Lafayette. After their afternoon of espionage, Serena invites Dan to join her at the rooftop party. Blair wonders if this means that Serena finally made her choice.
Back at the loft, Dan runs into Rufus, who has spent hours packing up his leftover belongings in exactly one box. Rufus offers to hang out with Dan since Rufus refuses to go to Chuck's party, but Dan's going anyway. Rufus tells Dan what Nate did, that he can't be living with Vanessa and pursuing Serena. Dan finally tells someone that when Georgina and her hugely pregnant belly showed up, he was getting ready to run off to Paris to declare his undying love for Serena. Surely he should find out if she feels the same way.
Things start out okay between Serena and Dan until Vanessa shows up to fight for her man. She asks Dan if Serena chose him because for Vanessa, there's only Dan. I like that Vanessa knows that the way to Dan's heart is his ego. Dan sees Serena being nice to Nate and pitches a mini-fit, asking if Serena texted Dan to tell him she wants him and Nate to tell him it's over or the other way around. Serena admits that at the time she didn't know. Instead of asking her if she knows now, Dan throws Vanessa's singlemindedness at her. Erm, faced? Back home, Vanessa's packed up to move but realized she doesn't have anywhere to go. Dan admits that he's heartbroken over Milo, which is apparently enough for Vanessa. Well, that and Dan tells her he loves her.
In other news:
- I think an entire recap of Chuck's quotes would probably cover the salient points these days.
- No Eric, which is fine, as I am still mad at him.
- I like that Chuck has taken to wearing flowers.
- Dan calls himself "manly and ruggged." Serena doesn't blatantly balk. True love!
- Serena is still wearing shoulder pads.World, please do not let shoulder pads come back.
- "Do you remember when he gave his heart to his mother? That was the beginning of the end. For all of us."
- I can't decide if Rufus' joke about how everyone is always turning up at everyone else's place is just meta enough or too meta.
- There's something hilariously un-self-aware about Juliet blabbing about Eva being a total prostitute while walking all over town in a skirt that's one block away from turning the world into her gynecologist.
- I cannot believe that Eva didn't turn out to be evil. Quelle désappointement. She's just so pointless and boring now.
- At least there's war to look forward to. Let the body count begin!
- So far: Blair runs, crying, into Serena's comforting embrace, while Chuck fires the porter Eva took pity on just to be cruel. Point: Bass.
Next time: Chuck uses Gossip Girl to start a rumour about Blair that somehow has to do with how everyone's slept with everyone on this show. VD?