Dakota Fanning: A 15-year-old sexpot? |
| Print | |
| Written by Steve Dominey |
| Monday, 09 March 2009 19:00 |
|
In all of Hollywood, is there anything better than a child star? They arrive on the scene adorable, and leave with a needle in their arm. Or worse yet, they don't leave at all, whoring themselves in countless reality shows. For every Jodie Foster, Ron Howard and Drew Barrymore, there's a Brad Renfro (heroin overdose), Robert Blake (wife killer), Danny Bonaduce (reality TV slut), and Jonathan Lipnicki (failed to put a paper bag over Renée Zellweger's head while he had the chance). The list truly goes on and on. Any day now there will be reports of those Slumdog Millionaire kids stealing cars. To get her fix, Little Miss Sunshine's Abigail Breslin will probably end up sucking off more guys than Harvey Milk. And before Obama's second term is up, Malia and Sasha will likely be flashing their coochies to paparazzi outside an LA nightclub. All these things are inevitable. That's why I had to watch Dakota Fanning's recent appearance on Letterman. Not only did I have to find out what has happened to her, I had to get an idea of what will happen to her in the future. Unlike Macaulay Culkin and Haley Joel Osment, who recently delivered TMZ gold by drawing cocks ‘n' balls on snowy parked cars, it wasn't a single hit movie that made Fanning a star. She relied on sheer volume.
While co-stars and big-time directors continued to laud her as the next Meryl Streep, Fanning was pumping out garbage faster than J-Lo in her prime. Perhaps in an effort to avoid typical Hollywood fare, Fanning recently took a role in the small, independent film Hounddog. While you have to applaud her efforts, the flick's now known as "that Dakota Fanning Rape Movie." And due to Hounddog's extreme subject matter, it has yet to find a distributor. No studio will touch it. R. Kelly won't even pee on it. I assume this is at least part of the reason why, until the Letterman interview, I hadn't seen Fanning in years. And while this may shock you, I am here to report that Dakota Fanning can now be classified as a "hottie." Before I continue, I should say that I am in my late 20s. Dakota Fanning turned 15 on February 23rd. And before the Feds bust into my apartment and check my computer for kiddie porn, I should also say that I'm merely making the observation that Fanning has officially moved from child star to young starlet- a transformation that only a naïve person would view as Fanning simply growing up. Sure, those deliciously long legs were a gift from god, but the short shorts and high heel combo she used to show them off were a gift from her publicists to the male population at large. "Hello, I'm Dakota. Please consider what it'd be like to fuck me. It's okay, don't I look almost exactly like a grown, legal woman?" There's a reason why "Hit Me Baby One More Time" launched Britney Spears to pop superstardom. It's the same reason why every third Internet porn video features a 32-year-old chain-smoker in pigtails getting anally stuffed by a) her teacher, b) her coach, or c) her step-dad. Guys love jailbait. Not that I need proof to convince you that young women have a special power over men, but in university a friend of mine bookmarked an Olsen twins clock that counted down to the very second the girls turned 18. And I'm betting he wasn't the only one. In fact, I'm guaranteeing that every heterosexual male in North America (guys who enjoy dancing or just hangin' with the girls are excluded) who turned 18 before the Olsens joked about this at some point in their lives.
The apology was to please Disney and the religious right, the shoot (which was almost as ridiculously overblown as this Michael Phelps thing) was for us guys to please ourselves. Unfortunately, with Miley Cyrus, the blanket would've been better served over her head. But looks are no longer a problem for Fanning. In the Letterman interview, the cute kid who we all assumed would turn out ugly showed the world that she's not only a well-poised, smart young girl, but dare I say, quite the nice piece of ass. With a rumoured role in the upcoming Twilight sequel New Moon, Dakota Fanning: Sex Object appears to be leveraging her newfound talent to court the lucrative tween/teen audience. Based on Stephenie Meyer's best-selling vampire saga, Twilight has already made over US$300-million worldwide (and brooding star Robert Pattinson has also deflowered at least 300 virgins worldwide). Soon, Fanning will be feuding with Vanessa Hudgens on set of High School Musical 4, introducing Soulja Boy at the Teen Choice Awards, and embroiled in a steamy Jonas brother love-triangle. Just wait. On Letterman, she already revealed that her real name is actually Hannah Dakota Fanning and she has a Schnoodle that would make Paris Hilton jealous. For now, she voices the title character in the well-reviewed claymation tale, Coraline, and gets drunk in the not so well-reviewed sci-fi thriller Push. I encourage everyone to check out Fanning's new image, review her "body" of work and monitor her "development" as an actress closely. I know I will. Right after I'm done watching Hounddog. (Okay, now you can send in the Feds.)
Bookmark
Email this
Comments (9)
lawl
Ooh, yea imagine a pedo looking at her legs. That's gonna kill alot of people, o noes, put her in a burka please, hide her flesh!
...
I can't stand it when people name their kids after a U.S. state! Why don't they just tattoo stars and stripes on her face at birth? Her last name though, Fanning (Fanny?) must go over well with British audiences... |
© 2009 - 2012 Culture Magazine. Design by Web Design Ottawa
Instead of seeing dead people or screwing with Joe Pesci, the precocious youngster launched her career in I Am Sam, the sappy Sean Penn retard movie that earned him a questionable but predictable Oscar nomination. Fanning followed that with roles in Uptown Girls co-starring Brittany Murphy (now appearing on milk cartons), The Cat in the Hat (a universally-panned stinker with Mike Myers not named The Love Guru), Man on Fire (a Denzel movie that falls somewhere between Déjà Vu and John Q in entertainment value), Hide and Seek (though almost impossible to discern these days, probably DeNiro's worst movie) and Steven Spielberg's disappointing War of the Worlds.
And while Miley Cyrus apologized for her "racy" Vanity Fair photo shoot last year, this wasn't the simple matter of a 15-year-old with bad judgment; it was a calculated move by her management team to turn the spawn of Billy Ray into a sex object.
Subscribe to this comment's feed
