The Hollywood Fantasy Draft: The Finale

Welcome to Part 4, the final installment of The Hollywood fantasy Draft. Make sure you read Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3 first!

Round Ten

Joe: And for round ten (sob), I was torn between two actors. Ultimately, I decided to go with track record, so instead of picking a sure-fire blockbuster sell-out (cough Shia LaBoeuf cough), I decided to go with yet another underdog: Jesse Eisenberg. This guy is definitely the definition of an up-and-comer, having appeared in only a few films (mostly ones that nobody has seen). It's acclaimed indie drama all the way with this guy! First up was Rodger Dodger, for which co-star Campbell Scott got all the press, followed by a small role in M. Night's The Village (oh boo, the reveal didn't appease you; what about the rest of the whole frakkin awesome movie?!). Eisenberg's big break came when he played the older son of a divorcing couple in Noah Baumbach's acclaimed indie comedy-drama The Squid and The Whale although once again most of the kudos went to Laura Linney and Jeff Daniels. And while his performance in Cursed was singled out for solid reviews, the movie is pretty much a black mark on everyone's resume. So we'll have to wait and see what the forthcoming release Adventureland (with Bella!) will do for his career. Hanging out the director of Superbad and Robert Pattinson's onscreen squeeze has to be good for your career, right? Right?

April: People had nice things to say about Cursed? My mind is blown to the point where I thought you must be talking about a different movie. No such luck. I have been advised that Taylor Kitsch is not enough to cash in on this summer's blockbusters, so I'm drafting Simon Pegg to pick up the slack. What? He's in Star Trek, and that's good enough for me. After we pimp that, I'll chain him to Edgar Wright and Nick Frost and force them to make another movie together. There are only so many more times I can say, “Everyone and their mums is packin' 'round here!” before it completely wears out.

Steve: Predictably, I love Gael García Bernal. Would have taken him rounds ago, but I already made a telenovela joke. Besides, it gave Joe "M. Night" Lipsett yet another opportunity to pick an up-and-comer to prove his credibility. Lucky for me, I have no credibility. While I was thinking about selecting Seth Rogen or Jason Statham to address the fact that my already bankrupt studio has no means of making a comedy or action movie, I can't just leave Al Pacino sitting there. Al's like the grandfather who raised me from a little boy. Now that things are rough and he can't get out of bed (the equivalent of A Righteous Kill), is falling down the stairs (Two for the Money) and crapping his pants (88 Minutes), I'm not abandoning him in Shady Pines. I owe him too much. That's why as soon as I finish feeding him mushed carrots, I'm going to tell him we’re going for a walk, then along the way, wheel him into my lot. When Al sees all the acting heavyweights in my corner, the colour will immediately return to his face, he'll jump out of his chair, and soon enough, he'll be yelling and screaming right up in everybody's grill, showering us with saliva as he unleashes yet another memorable performance. Hoo-Ah!

Joe: I’m glad I get owned for picking up-and-comers while Steve makes Golden Girls references. There’s a whole lotta ageism going on around here.

April: What? I chose young people. I chose . . . a young person. Who’s famous for playing the world’s oldest virgin. Aw, crap. Wait, what’s the cut off line? Taylor Kitch is only 27 this month. That’s not that old, is it?

Kevin: And to finish it all off, who else would I pick but my beloved Gillian Anderson? Oh Gillian, why do I love you so? Is it because as Duchovny gets fatter and sleazier you just get classier? Maybe. Back in the 90s, Anderson was known as “the thinking man’s crumpet” and the 25% of the internet that wasn’t pictures of porn stars was pictures with Anderson’s head photoshopped onto porn stars. Today, she’s as beautiful as ever, with a delightful smile and infectious laugh, and even the critics who hated The X-Files: I Want to Believe (i.e. everyone who saw the movie) noted Gillian’s performance as one of the film’s few high points. She was brilliant playing herself in Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story, and received accolades for The Last King of Scotland and the BBC miniseries Bleak House. She’s done lots of voice work (Princess Mononoke), and she and a pre-Daily Show Jon Stewart were the perfect on-screen couple in Playing by Heart. A dozen years ago, she was one of the biggest stars in North America, if not the world, and she deserves to be that big again! At my studio, we are going to treat her right (regardless of whether or not she wants to talk in that post-X-Files British accent).

Final TALLY:

Team Kevin: 1) Cate Blanchett, 2) Brad Pitt, 3) Kate Winslet, 4) Edward Norton, 5) Leonardo DiCaprio, 6) James Franco, 7) Elizabeth Banks, 8) Sean Penn, 9) Maggie Gyllenhaal, 10) Gillian Anderson

Team Steve: 1) Javier Bardem, 2) Daniel Day-Lewis, 3) Benicio Del Toro, 4) Jeff Bridges, 5) Christian Bale, 6) Michelle Williams, 7) Gwyneth Paltrow, 8) George Clooney, 9) Philip Seymour Hoffman, 10) Al Pacino

Team April: 1) Robert Pattinson, 2) Johnny Depp, 3) Robert Downey Jr., 4) Angelina Jolie, 5) Helen Mirren, 6) Taylor Kitsch, 7) Paul Rudd, 8) Mark Strong, 9) Catherine Keener, 10) Simon Pegg

Team Joe: 1) Meryl Streep, 2) Channing Tatum, 3) Rachel McAdams, 4) Ryan Gosling, 5) Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 6) Ben Foster, 7) Kristen Bell, 8) Amanda Seyfried, 9) Gael García Bernal, 10) Jesse Eisenberg

So, who's the winner? Who's got the best studio, who's going to make the most at the box office, and who's going to rake in the awards come next winter? Is April's studio the hottest? Leave your thoughts, questions, comments, and concerns in the comments!

Comments (2)

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Emily

April 30, 2009

Votes: +0

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Hottest

hmmm...tough call. Demerits to Kevin for Penn, but big ups for Gyllenhall and Anderson. Actually, I think Joe may have edged all of you out.

Kevin Johns

May 15, 2009

Votes: +0

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This has been on line for two weeks now...

...so at this point I'm just going to go ahead and declare myself the victor! All hail me and my amazing studio of brilliant actors.

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