The Hollywood Fantasy Draft - Part 1

Kevin: To kick this thing off right, I'm going to take Cate Blanchett as my first pick. She’s one of the most extraordinary actors working in Hollywood today. Just take a look at her brilliant scene, "Cousins", in Jim Jarmusch's Coffee and Cigarettes. She has a commanding presence and a diverse range of skills. She does thrillers (The Talented Mr. Ripley), historical drama (the Elizabeth films), fantasy action (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and The Lord of the Rings trilogy), quirky comedies (The Life Aquatic and a cameo in Hot Fuzz), biographies (The Aviator - for which she won an Oscar) and, of course, she is utterly brilliant playing Jude Quinn (i.e. Bob Dylan circa 1966) in Todd Haynes' I'm Not There. If she is good enough for the likes of Jackson, Fincher, Spielberg/Lucas, and Scorsese, then she's good enough for me.

Steve: Wow, even with all Blanchett has done, you still mention Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Are you sure you couldn't find any scat films she starred in back in college? You know, something less embarrassing. That said, can I still draft the Caddyshack gopher that Spielberg decided to throw in to Crystal Skull, or worse yet, Shia LaBeouf? No? Well, in that case, I'll take Javier Bardem. Watch The Sea Inside (where he plays a paraplegic fighting for his own right to die), No Country for Old Men (where he plays a serial killer with a wicked bowl cut) and Vicky Cristina Barcelona (where he makes you believe that he's capable of banging Penelope Cruz, Scarlett Johansson, and some other hot broad at the same time) and you'll be left with no doubt that this is the most versatile, gifted actor working today.

April: Like the Twilight DVD commercial just reminded me, my first pick has got to be Robert Pattinson. For the next couple of years, this kid is going to churn out hit after critic proof hit (I think), and my super-fake studio is going to reap the benefits. Then, if it turns out that he can act (he can, I think), we'll rehabilitate his image, re-brand him as an art house darling, and never look back. Otherwise we'll just laugh and laugh about all the chicks he's going to score before his looks run out. Forget your critic-friendly picks. I'm following the money. And the eyebrows. That guy's got huge eyebrows.

Joe: I decided that I'm going to stock my fantasy studio with upstarts, so my list will be populated by fresh faced ingénues that are going to be the stars of the future. So when all of your stars die or get shipped off to rehab, mine will be sparkly and new . . . and get shipped off to rehab. But, because no studio can exist simply on youth (e.g., Disney . . . oh wait), I'm stocking one oldie but goldie: Meryl Streep. Every studio should have a crown jewel in terms of talent and Streep is the closest thing Hollywood has to a living legend. She's a consistent box office draw, alternating between blockbuster films (Momma Mia!) and credible indie fare (Doubt). Even when she accepts roles other thespians might consider "fluff," such as The Devil Wears Prada, she still comes out on top (the chick flick adaptation was one of the leggiest films of 2006 AND Streep received an Oscar nomination!). Speaking of awards: Streep seems to rack up an Oscar nom every year or so, to the point that she is now the most celebrated actress ever with 15 nominations across her 30 year career (and two wins). She also ties for the record of Golden Globe nominations and has the most wins at 6. No matter how you slice it, Streep puts the competition to shame. P.S. She's also freakin' hilarious. Need a reminder? Check out She-Devil, Death Becomes Her, or the scene from Adaptation when she laughs at her own feet. Good times people.

Joe: Alright, I guess I'm back up. And my second pick is: Robert Pattinson! Wait . . . what? Dammit April!

Kevin: You guys are right. Robert Pattinson's forehead is pretty awesome . . . but I think I liked it better the first time I saw it, back when it was called David Boreanaz's forehead.

April: Kevin, it's the eyebrows, not the forehead.

Joe: Pattinson’s eyebrows are taken. Fine, then . . . I'll go with Channing Tatum. He's been on the verge of breaking out for years since he transitioned from model to actor, and has managed to amass a large teen girl (and gay boy) fanbase cultivated through his appearances in a number of successful teen-oriented films (Step Up, Stop-Loss, the forthcoming Fighter). One of his most successful attributes is that he appeals to both men and women: he's gruff, but emotional and unafraid of taking off his shirt to make a point. His break-out will undoubtedly be cemented this summer with the release of Michael Mann's Public Enemies and franchise tent-pole G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. And while he's unlikely to be nominated for an Oscar anytime soon, there's a good chance he'll scoop up one of those ridiculous popcorn thingies at an MTV or Nickelodeon kids' award show in the near future.

April: I see what's happening here. You love dance movies, Joe. Dance movies and weird war movies. Speaking of Public Enemies, I'm snapping up Johnny Depp. He's got no fewer than seven upcoming movies on IMDb, which means the man's got hustle, and he's both publicly and critically beloved. He works with all the greats (Mann, Gilliam, Burton), he's adept at both comedy and drama, and he clearly has some sort of secret to perpetual youth. That secret shall be mine.

Kevin: I used to consider Gilliam one of “the greats”, then I saw Tideland . . .

Steve: You gotta love it when someone's banking a dude's career (in this case, Channing Tatum's) on G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra, a movie directed by the visionary behind such hits as The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, and Van Helsing. Not to mention the biggest star in the thing is “Mr. Sloppy Seconds" Dennis Quaid. When you see Quaid's face in anything, the only question worth asking is, "Did 3 or 4 guys pass on this?” Anyway, speaking of The Rise of the Cobra, you wouldn't believe what just happened in my fantasy porn actor draft. My computer froze and I ended up taking "The Hedgehog" Ron Jeremy first overall. This really isn't my day. To turn it around, I'm taking Daniel Day-Lewis. Daniel Plainview and Bill 'The Butcher' are undoubtedly two of the coolest characters of all time. I . . . drink . . . your . . . milkshake, Kevin Johns!

Kevin: After a quirky first round, suddenly the big guns are coming out: ladies and gentlemen, Depp and Day-Lewis have been claimed! Well, if we're going with big guns, I'm going with the biggest of them all: Brad Pitt. He's the best looking man in the world, the biggest star in Hollywood, and, oh yeah, he also happens to make incredible films. It’s easy to think of him as that annoying guy from the front of the tabloids, but to do so is to forget that he has consistently made awesome movies like True Romance, Thelma and Louise, Interview with the Vampire, Se7en, 12 Monkeys, Seven Years in Tibet, Snatch, Ocean's 11, and a little film you might of heard of called Fight Club. I mean, I now have Tyler Durden working for me. You all are screwed. (Plus, he has the coolest and prettiest stalker of all time: Athena Rolando.)

Team Kevin: 1) Cate Blanchett, 2) Brad Pitt

Team Steve: 1) Javier Bardem, 2) Daniel Day-Lewis

Team April: 1) Robert Pattinson, 2) Johnny Depp

Team Joe: 1) Meryl Streep, 2) Channing Tatum

Kevin: Alright, to kick off round three I'm picking the star of one of the biggest movies of all time, Titanic's Kate Winslet.

April: Crap! I had Winslet down as my next pick!

Kevin: She’s hot right now, coming off two Academy Award nominations and a win this year. I loved her in Finding Neverland, Quills, Hamlet, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but it's Heavenly Creatures that still does it for me. When she says, "Don't worry. All the best people have bad chests and bone diseases. It's all frightfully romantic!", you can't help but fall in love.

Steve: After seeing the collective star-power on Kevin's team (Blanchett, Pitt, and Winslet), I've already decided to give up and select Benicio Del Toro to join Javier Bardem. That way, if my studio tanks, I could always start producing late-night telenovelas on the cheap.  Not that that's going to happen. Del Toro is too good. Here's the IMDb proof: The Usual Suspects, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Snatch, Traffic, Sin City, and one of my personal favourites, 21 Grams, which is vastly superior to Alejandro González Iñárritu's much-ballyhooed follow-up Babel. If you've got 4-plus hours to kill, check out in Del Toro’s newest release Che, or if you don't, wait until The Wolf Man comes out next November. It's from the director of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, need I say more? . . . Yeah, well, he also lawn-mower fucked Scarlett Johansson in an elevator at the 2005 Golden Globes. Even Javier doesn't have that on his resume.  

Kevin: I don’t even know what “lawn-mower fucked” means.

Joe: Was it a glass elevator? Cause ew . . .

April: Where's my list? I wrote it in the dark at two a.m., but I'm pretty sure it says Robert Downey Jr. When his prestige project got pushed from November to April, what did he do? Get nominated for an August movie in black face. Tony Stark made Empire's top 100 characters list. He's at the top of a crest called "Robert Downey Jr is back, bitches!", and I'm all about it. Have you seen his abs in those Sherlock Holmes stills? I'm rolling with someone that the critics and the hoi polloi love. That's the stuff that accolades are made of!

Joe: Alright, I see all your old fogies and give you talented youth. If April and Steve scoffed at my Channing Tatum choice, perhaps they'll appreciate the fact that I occasionally love a good romance as well. My next two choices are star crossed (ex) lovers, so this will keep tensions afloat in their performances and garner lots of free press for my fledgling studio: Rachel McAdams (Mean Girls, The Notebook, Red Eye). The Canadian actress exploded onto the scene a few years ago and has since faded into the background, but she's been in a number of consistent hits and - compared to her contemporaries - brings a nice combination of range and verisimilitude to her roles. She'll be back big time in near future with the much anticipated adaptation of chick-lit phenom The Time Traveller's Wife.

Team Kevin: 1) Cate Blanchett, 2) Brad Pitt, 3) Kate Winslet

Team Steve: 1) Javier Bardem, 2) Daniel Day-Lewis, 3) Benicio Del Toro

Team April: 1) Robert Pattinson, 2) Johnny Depp, 3) Robert Downey Jr.

Team Joe: 1) Meryl Streep, 2) Channing Tatum, 3) Rachel McAdams

Thus ends part one of the Hollywood fantasy draft. What do you think, readers? Have (Cult)ure’s writers chosen well or poorly? Whose team is in the lead? Who would YOU have chosen? Comment below, then come back tomorrow for part two!