The Hollywood Fantasy Draft: Part 3

Round Seven

Kevin: I have Joe to thank for my next pick: Elizabeth Banks. Sure, like everyone else, I’d seen her in tons of things, but it wasn’t until Joe made me watch Slither that she totally won me over. Like Franco, she’s a Spider-Man alumna that rubs shoulders with the Apatow crowd on a regular basis (going all the way back to Wet, Hot, American Summer with Paul Rudd). She’s completely charming and brings a tongue-in-cheek wit to everything she does, whether it’s drama (Seabiscuit, Catch Me if You Can, W), action (Slither, Spider-Man), or comedy (The 40 Year Old Virgin, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Fred Claus, Role Models), which is, of course, where she really shines.

Steve: While Elizabeth Banks is great, I'm not sure she'd be happy at just one studio. Could she still make 15 movies a year? Could she still be in absolutely everything? Could she still star in stinkers like Zack and Miri, Meet Dave, Definitely, Maybe, The Uninvited and Fred Claus? Geez, and that's just in the last 2 years.

Kevin: Hey! I like Fred Claus.

Joe: And Zack and Miri was easily the funniest film Kevin Smith has pooped out in years!

Steve: I'll prefer someone who's more selective. Actually, far too selective: Gwyneth Paltrow. Sure she doesn't know how to pick baby names, but I blame Chris Martin for that. My theory is that after years of being the girl everyone dumped, or as I like to call her, “the original Jennifer Aniston”, Gwyneth is now more obedient than Lassie. Don't worry Gwyneth, after The Royal Tenenbaums, my love for you is eternal.   

Kevin: Okay, at this point we all know who Steve's next pick will be: Terrence Howard. Pissed that April got Downey Jr early on, Steve is now intent on drafting everyone else that was in Ironman. He’s got Bridges, he’s got Paltrow… who are you picking in round eight, Tony Stark's fire extinguisher robot?

Joe: Don't forget Samuel L (a.k.a the hardest working man in the business . . . so hard working that he will appear in every film, even ones written by monkeys). The cameo counts!

April: Plus Jackson signed on to do as many as nine more as Nick Fury. I mention this only because I have no intention of signing him. Terrence isn't even going to be in the next Iron Man, though. He's a totally diva, peeps, which means he would fit right in over at Sausage Studios. Given that that's pretty much all you have to go on with Gwyneth, who can blame you, Steve. For every The Anniversary Party, there's Duets, Bounce, and Shallow Hal. Good luck with that one. Meanwhile, my friend said to me, "How are you going to corner the rom-com market?" While I initially gave her a searing look that said, "The rom-com is dead, fool," I just looked over my original list and found the answer: Paul Rudd. The rom-com is as dead as a doornail, but brom-com (yup, I said it) is alive and well. He's in with Apatow and Wain, he's adorably uptight in I Love You, Man, and he's got charm for days. Plus, a generation of women will always love him for Clueless. Paul Rudd, I salute you.

Joe: Well, if we're doing the Clubhouse that Apatow built, I'll join in the fun via the Kevin Bacon Six Degrees off-ramp. I knew I needed to have a little more gender equity in the roster, so I went with a couple of sure-fire up and coming actresses. The first is Kristen Bell (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Pulse). Currently Bell has a higher television profile than she does in film (in addition to Veronica Mars and Heroes, she also puts the "xoxo" in Gossip Girl), but her stock is on the rise. Anyone who's seen her deliver a zinger knows that she's a born comedic genius – check out her straight faced PSA “The McLovin' Fund” on FunnyorDie.com if you don't believe me – and her dramatic scenes are even better. Unfortunately, Bell's talent lacks exposure, which might be subject to change when her new rom-com When in Rome comes out this summer. The location worked for Audrey Hepburn, so you never know. Plus I kinda worship the ground she walks on and she's super hot, so if you don't agree with me you can pretty much suck it.

Round Seven Summary:

Team Kevin: Cate Blanchett, Brad Pitt, Kate Winslet, Edward Norton, Leonardo DiCaprio, James Franco, Elizabeth Banks

Team Steve: Javier Bardem, Daniel Day-Lewis, Benicio Del Toro, Jeff Bridges, Christian Bale, Michelle Williams, Gwyneth Paltrow

Team April: Robert Pattinson, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr., Angelina Jolie, Helen Mirren, Taylor Kitsch, Paul Rudd

Team Joe: Meryl Streep, Channing Tatum, Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ben Foster, Kristen Bell

Round Eight

Joe: And keeping the Veronica Mars love alive, my next pick is Amanda Seyfried (Veronica Mars, Momma Mia!, Mean Girls). Seyfried is the teen girl version of "Oh, her!" - you've seen her in numerous things and have no idea who she is. She's the dead best friend in season one of the criminally cancelled Veronica Mars, the daughter to Bill Paxton on Big Love, the stupid girl from Mean Girls, etc. She hit it big in the film adaptation of Momma Mia! over the summer (now officially the highest grossing film in the UK) and has wrapped production on Diablo Cody's Juno follow-up, Jennifer's Body. Tragically her star would have risen even further if “scheduling” issues with Big Love hadn’t forced her to drop out of Zack Synder (300, Watchmen)'s new film Sucker Punch. Damn you Bill Paxton!

April: I am totally missing a "Hey, it's that guy!" which is why I'm taking Mark Strong. Who? Exactly. Last year he was at ease in the ensemble RocknRolla and downright debonair as a supporting player in Body of Lies. When David Edelstein says a star is born, you'd better listen. Strong's got four movies out next year, including The Young Victoria and Sherlock Holmes. If there's one thing for which American audiences have a proven track record, it's suddenly embracing handsome middle-aged men of the Commonwealth (Daniel Craig, Clive Owen, Hugh Jackman, Gerard Butler . . . I'm giving you guys ideas). They should start a club.

Steve: Every year there's someone who inexplicably slides down in the draft, costing him a huge signing bonus, running shoe endorsements, you name it. And this year, that man is George Clooney. Can't you just picture him in the green room? First, waiting happily for his name to be called, then slowly sliding down in his chair until absolute bewilderment hits when names like Jeff Bridges, Channing Tatum and Helen Mirren are called before him. "Helen Mirren, I banged that saggy old slut, this is ridiculous. C'mon Damon, we're leaving!"  Well George, as long as you take off that Leatherheads jersey, I'm pleased to offer you this fully embroidered Team Dominey jacket, made only with the finest baby panda fur, of course. Say what you will about George, but I just signed the best party-planner money can buy. Between shoots, we'll all be sailing down the Italian Riviera in his yacht, making that Minnesota Vikings sex cruise look like one of those Kathie-Lee deals. The only problem I potentially foresee is that Daniel Day-Lewis will be getting laid so much that his dark demeanour could turn happy-go-lucky. He'll then refuse to stay in character on set and instruct his agents to only get him roles doing rom-com's with Reese Witherspoon. Yes, this Clooney pick could be dangerous alright, but it's my fantasy studio, so as the fantasy studio head, I at least want some fantasy ladies. 

Kevin: You know who else is sitting in that green room wondering why his name hasn’t been called yet? Sean Penn. But, unlike Clooney, Penn really isn’t all that upset about it. See, he’s got his two friends back there keeping him company: Oscar #1 (Mystic River) and Oscar #2 (Milk). Yes, I Am Sam is fairly unforgivable, but at least he didn’t go full-retard, right? Besides, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Dead Man Walking, The Thin Red Line, and Sweet and Lowdown more than make up for it.

Round Eight Summary:

Team Kevin: Cate Blanchett, Brad Pitt, Kate Winslet, Edward Norton, Leonardo DiCaprio, James Franco, Elizabeth Banks, Sean Penn

Team Steve: Javier Bardem, Daniel Day-Lewis, Benicio Del Toro, Jeff Bridges, Christian Bale, Michelle Williams, Gwyneth Paltrow, George Clooney

Team April: Robert Pattinson, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr., Angelina Jolie, Helen Mirren, Taylor Kitsch, Paul Rudd, Mark Strong

Team Joe: Meryl Streep, Channing Tatum, Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ben Foster, Kristen Bell, Amanda Seyfried

Round Nine

Kevin: Sure, her brother is probably a bigger star, but Maggie Gyllenhaal is the one I want in round nine. Like Jake, she’s got Donnie Darko on her resume, but unlike Jake she’s also got Cecil B. DeMented, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, and The Dark Knight. She’s in Adaptation, a favourite of mine, and in Secretary she created one of the most romantic cinematic scenes of all time . . . by pissing herself. How many of the actors you all have drafted can say they’ve done that? None. And now Maggie is all mine.

Steve: Damn!!! Forgot about Maggie. After Secretary, I didn't need porn for months. Well everyone, since we're almost done here, I'd just like to point out that unless April's counting Robert Downey Jr. in black face, not one of us has taken a black actor. While I, of course, selected both Javier and Benicio, the rest of you have gone exclusively white and are clearly racists of the highest order. Upon further inspection, Kevin took Ed Norton, who curb-stomped a black man in his most famous role, and Joe selected Ryan Gosling, who, as mentioned earlier, also played a white supremacist. Who's next, guys? Romper Stomper's Russell Crowe? Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino character? How about one of the hillbillies from A Time to Kill? I'm on the edge of my seat. And now that I've pointed out this injustice, and am therefore completely absolved (phew!), I'd like to select my homie, my broham, my n*%#*, Mr. Philip Seymour Hoffman. While we're all wondering where William H. Macy has disappeared to and why Paul Giamatti hasn't disappeared yet, Hoffman is one character actor who's here for the long haul. Hoffman's comfortable carrying a movie himself (Capote, Owning Mahowny) or as part of an ensemble (Doubt, Charlie Wilson's War), but what he does better than anyone else are those films that walk the line between comedy and drama before settling in their own unique category of genius (Boogie Nights, Happiness, Love Liza, etc.)

April: Dude, I realized we were racists a couple of rounds ago. (I confirmed it with my racist friend.) Wasn't Keifer Sutherland one of those racists in A Time to Kill? He never stops working. But no, he's not for me. First, I'll address my sexism by adding Catherine Keener to the ranks. Ah, Catherine. She's sexy, she's funny, and she's in with all the best people. She makes, like, four movies a year, and she's Nicole Holofcener's muse. Sure, she's mostly in supporting roles, but she rocks those pretty hard. So take that, racist sexists. Let's just see who you've got left on the docket.

Joe: I'll have you know that I was looking for an opportunity to sneak in an awesome foreign actor, so Steve just made it so much sweeter to add . . . Gael García Bernal. Bernal is the epitome of international superstar. He's got the looks and the acting chops (he may even be a young Javier Bardem?), but naturally he's never quite broken out. That's alright with me, so long as he continues to make such a diverse range of films: Alfonso Cuarón's Y tu mamá también (yum), The Motorcycle Diaries, Almodóvar's Bad Education, Alejandro Gonzàlez Iñàrritu's Amores perros and Babel, Michel Gondry's The Science of Sleep and Fernando Meirelles' Blindness. Sure some of these films aren't the greatest, but Bernal always brings his A-game to every performance. Plus, look at the kind of directorial talent he's bringing to the table: who doesn't want to work with those guys???

Round Nine Summary:

Team Kevin: Cate Blanchett, Brad Pitt, Kate Winslet, Edward Norton, Leonardo DiCaprio, James Franco, Elizabeth Banks, Sean Penn, Maggie Gyllenhaal

Team Steve: Javier Bardem, Daniel Day-Lewis, Benicio Del Toro, Jeff Bridges, Christian Bale, Michelle Williams, Gwyneth Paltrow, George Clooney, Philip Seymour Hoffman

Team April: Robert Pattinson, Johnny Depp, Robert Downey Jr., Angelina Jolie, Helen Mirren, Taylor Kitsch, Paul Rudd, Mark Strong, Catherine Keener

Team Joe: Meryl Streep, Channing Tatum, Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ben Foster, Kristen Bell, Amanda Seyfried, Gael García Bernal

Thus ends part three of the fantasy draft.  Who is in the lead?  Who would have you picked?  Comment below and then come back tomorrow for the final round!

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April Yorke

April 29, 2009

Votes: +0

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Elizabeth Banks

I think she might be a crazy person: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/...92450.html

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