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I thought I'd write something a little more playful this month, and share with you some interesting cultural oddities I've experienced as a Westerner in China.
Traffic
In China, when driving, indicators are optional (who needs those pesky things!), you can park anywhere you wish, and you should always remember that you are so important red lights do not apply to you.
Queuing
In China there is no such thing as standing in line, especially in KFC. If you wish to get your fried chicken anytime today please form an orderly crowd and wave your RMB in the air while foaming at the mouth.
Banking
If Stalin, Saddam Hussein, Donald Trump and the Devil teamed up to run a bank together, that bank would be the Bank of China. If you would like to open up an account, prepare to book a leave of absence from school or work. If you wish to transfer money out of China, forget it.
Tourism
Do you really expect me to believe your horrible little city is, as you say, "Famous in the world, beautiful, friendly and full of cultural attractions"? Don't lie.
Elevators
Yes, apparently you can smoke in an elevator despite there being 'No Smoking' signs and young children present. Oh, and pressing this button fifty or sixty times really does make the door open faster. Sure it does.
Escalators
Escalators are complicated and dangerous pieces of machinery, so be sure to time it perfectly when getting on and off. Take as long as you need. We'll just hang out behind you.
Saving Face
You may not be interesting, attractive, humorous, generous, fun, cool or nice, but you still have 'face.'
Weight
Chinamen, you might not want to suggest your girlfriend/wife/mistress lose weight, when you look like a toad. They might just end up finding someone worth losing weight for.
Music
If you like a song, everyone else in China is bound to love it. Throw it on your mobile, play it at full volume on the bus, in the supermarket, just walking around. You're cool!
Management
Western managers in China were either unemployed or servers in McDonalds before they came to China.
Male Fashion
Wearing a suit with a Disney themed polo-shirt, tracksuit bottoms and old white trainers is always a great look for any occasion.
Female Fashion
Hitting the bars wearing fishnet tights paired with stone denim hot pants, and a 'Hello Kitty' blouse is real sexy. You almost look like Britney post meltdown.
Coffee
There is really nowhere else other than Starbucks to find good coffee in China. Trust me.
Teaching
International School Teachers are almost as whiny and spoiled as the kids they teach. Maybe you can start complaining when you don't have a job that gives you three months of paid vacation a year.
Western Men
If you see a Western man over the age of 50 in China he is most definitely looking for a Chinese wife young enough to be his daughter. No exceptions.
Table Manners
So you bother to cover your mouth whilst using a toothpick. But its OK to talk while chewing on a piece of steak, pick your nose for five minutes and spit on the restaurant floor.
Shopping
I just bought 400RMB of groceries... Of course I want a fucking bag!
Air Pollution
Me: "The pollution's pretty bad today, eh!?"
Chinese Guy: "Oh, it's not pollution, it's the weather. There is no pollution in our city."
Me: "No, its pollution from the factories over there."
Chinese Guy: "No. There are no factories here. This is a clean and modern city."
Me: Laughs
Joke
Question: What's the difference between a Chinese city and a toilet?
Answer: You can flush a toilet.
Adam J. Smith is a British ex-pat, living, teaching and writing in China, while exploring the changes taking shape in this nation.
For videos and more information visit: www.adamjsmith.net
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