Survival: A Parent's Perspective

Another baby is born. The father and mother have carried out their roles with success, so far. The attraction tactics worked, the courtship began and the act of pairing that they were programmed to perform has allowed this species to carry forth one more generation.

As a species, we are capable of overriding much of our genetic programming with our actions and behaviours. Thank goodness additional factors are at play, all of which come together to shape who we are. Our identity is something we have all struggled with for years, and, when we have our own children, the cycle begins again. Only this time we observe, helplessly, and agonize as we watch our children go through the same struggle.

On occasion I catch myself questioning the behaviour of one of my children - really questioning what’s driving him. Then I realize, if Charles Darwin, Herbert Spencer and Newton couldn’t figure it out, I should probably give up my analysis and just help my child work through his struggle. We can strive to understand, and we can make choices. We have been speculating theories and explanations around this for centuries. Darwin’s 1873 publication Origin of Species was controversial in its day, but it allowed people to debate nature versus nurture in the formation of the self: is our sense of self produced by the forces of nature or the forces of our environment and society?

Never in my life had I ever felt such a pull nor such an intensely deeper driving instinct until I had my first child. I’ll never forget my first walk with my newborn son in his stroller. It was a peaceful, sunny walk in May through my neighbourhood, and I saw another person coming down the sidewalk toward us. This person had a dog on a leash. With a very quick calculation I sized up the situation and realized the dog’s head could easily reach over the height of the stroller. I immediately went through the steps as to how I would strangle this dog with my two bare hands if it reached in to attack my son. I’m a dog lover, but I was seriously prepared. I never told this to anyone, but I think I was actually looking forward to it. My hands gripped the handle of the stroller, and my heart had even quickened. Closer now, here we go ... and there they go. Not so much as a sniff. Was I disappointed I had no opportunity for combat? Ok, Michelle, perhaps you should relax a bit.

I don’t want to explore the debate or offer an opinion as to whether our sense of self is more profoundly the result of genetics, environment or society. While I want to acknowledge the strength of the natural drivers, at the same time, I want to promote an understanding of the choices we are given as parents, choices that manifest from our environment. I believe this understanding or ‘knowing’ is what gives us our uniqueness and ability to effect change … and survive.

Why does it take us so long to accept or understand these choices and our realization of self? As a parent I have watched my own children look outward when trying to decide who they were and if they fit, rather than looking inward to discover their uniqueness. We all know the pressures of our own cultures and societal norms, and I see children begin this critical self analysis as early as four and five years of age, sometimes earlier. It seems that as soon as they’re able to compare themselves to a friend or a sibling, it begins. From a Darwinian perspective (yes, Darwin has made a lasting impression on me), the biologist in me can understand the genetic ‘reasoning’ behind this and the value towards the survival of a species. Nevertheless, I can also see the importance of our role as parents in countering this self-destructiveness. Understand the origins of the behaviour, but build and promote what is different in our children.

Barbara Colorosso promotes the teaching of empathy in children, which surely would go against Darwin. Her book, Kids Are Worth It,  provides very sound practical advice. I have turned to her writing for insight often, but I sometimes find her advice a bit too prescriptive. We cannot ignore biology, and we cannot ignore the fundamental skill of listening. Michael Gurian makes the link to biology in his book "The Wonder of Boys", which is a very good read for parents in understanding the energy cycles of boys and their aggression.

As we grow through the stages while raising our children, we see them mature and experience success as well as trauma. They blossom, rise, falter and ultimately "become". We as parents also continue our cycle of self realization. We all have expectations right from childhood as to who we will become and where we see ourselves in the future: our dream homes, visions, some with white-picket fences, and others with galactic discoveries.

A true challenge, sometimes insurmountable, occurs when we find ourselves at a crossroads or have experienced something so terrible that everything we have become, our paradigms, our identity, our beliefs are shattered. Job loss, death, separation and divorce, disease, floods, fire and other natural disasters are examples of tragedy that cause us to re-evaluate and see things like we’ve never seen them before. How do we parents now? How do we lead and teach when nobody has shown us this path before? We initially react instinctively (think of the fight or flight syndrome) but then realize the eventual outcome can be our choice. If we understand this, we won’t allow ourselves to act or be treated as victims. A philosopher whose writings helped me understand that the experience of pain was ‘ok’ was Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931). His book The Prophet equated our depth or ability to feel true joy as a direct result of our experiences with pain.

I am a true proponent of the "power of one", and I have seen it over and over again in mothers and fathers who have created legacies and moved mountains for and with their children. Each had their own triggers and reasoning behind their motivation and each affected astounding results.

Ryan Hreljac was six years old when he came home from school one day and told his parents he wanted to save enough money to build a well in Africa. His parents’ unwavering support allowed him to realize his dream, and today the family has created an organization called Ryan’s Well Foundation that has build 432 wells around the world! They witnessed unspeakable tragedy and chose to make a difference. They adopted a child who survived brutal army raids. You can read about Ryan’s story at http://www.ryanswell.ca/.

Sharon Ruth shares her raw emotional story as a parent of a child diagnosed with cancer in her book The Guinea Kid. Her choice to help others going through similar experiences drove her to write and publish what she learned as she fought for her child’s life, while struggling to continue as mother to her other two children, wife and full-time employee. She has also begun a campaign to change compassionate care laws.

Dick Hoyt has completed the Boston Marathon and more than 210 triathlons with his son Rick. In the beginning, Dick couldn’t swim and hadn’t been on a bike since he was six, but he understood his son’s passion for sports. During the triathlons, Dick swims the 2.4 miles while towing Rick in a dingy. Rick was born with the umbilical chord around his neck, causing brain damage and has been in a wheel chair all of his life. His father pushes Rick in a cart for all 26.2 miles of the run and pedals Rick in a modified bike with a chair on the front for the whole 112 miles of biking. Together they finished the Boston Marathon 30 minutes shy of the world record, a record set by a person running alone.

Whether through small steps or enormous change, each of us has the ability to help our children tap into their uniqueness and embrace their individual gifts. Understand your own drivers, and you can help your children understand theirs, allowing them to truly discover their power and potential. Start with one step, one action, and go listen to your children. Then seek to understand.

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