The Dreaded Four-Letter Word |
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| Written by Will Parker |
| Monday, 02 February 2009 23:06 |
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It's normally about this time of year when, with my lofty New Year's resolution to look But I will not dwell on my failures! No – I will stay strong! I have the motivation, resolve, and lack of shame to get down and dirty. It is clearly time for that filthy four-letter word which sends shivers down the spines of most dedicated foodies like me…DIET. With so many options out there, it's difficult to know which one will be right for me. The choices are overwhelming, and navigating the dieting world often seems to necessitate a personal trainer named Tank, a nutritionist named Summer, and a bevy of friends with colonic, holistic and gluten-free connections. In situations where I face the unknown and need to make life-altering decisions, I do what any savvy twenty-something lawyer would do – I look to celebrity endorsements. With Perez 1. Take a one-gallon jug, and pour in the following: + 3 quarts of water; + 1 cup of lemon juice; + 1 cup of pure maple syrup; + 1 tsp cayenne pepper. 2. Shake well. 3. Drink 8-12 glasses per day. 4. Eat and drink nothing else. 5. Supplement your delicious diet with laxative tea and salt-water binges. Beyoncé claims she lost 20 pounds following this sadistic regimen while filming Dream Girls. I'd be willing to give it a go, if I didn't already know that despite all her troubles, they still gave Jennifer Hudson the Oscar. I'd better turn to another celebrity trusted favourite – with Sarah-Michelle Gellar touting the cabbage soup diet, you know it's going to be good. This classic '80s fad diet never seems to go away. It just won't die! I'll leave you, my dedicated reader, to insert whatever Buffy the Vampire Slayer joke you think fits best…. In any event, she's managed to keep Freddie Prinze Jr. enticed for all these years, so she's doing something right. Here's what our favourite Slayer suggests:
2. Follow an oddly regimented seven-day menu plan which requires you to only eat beans and tomatoes on one day; all fruits but bananas on another day; and as much skim milk as your body can handle sometime in the middle. 3. Supplement with your cabbage soup. While this diet seems slightly less crazy than the maple syrup detox above, I can't help but remain hesitant about plans which encourage you to stuff yourself with gas-producing grub. Sure – I want to look hot, but I also want to avoid smelling like a toilet. Thankfully, there are enough celebrity diets out there to meet the specific needs of most fad dieters. Marie Osmond can't stop thanking Nutrisystem for her great new bod. Anna Nicole Smith refused to stop popping Trimspa pills. Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick used to swear by Atkins, Suzanne Summers has written numerous fitness and raw food books, pretty much every cast member of Friends has found success with "The Zone," and there's even a "Hollywood 48 Hour Diet" which requires participants to drink a 4-litre jug of purple "juice." You've got to wonder – does any of it work? The answer from most doctors and nutritionists is yes and no. At the most basic level, using more energy than the body consumes will lead to weight loss. If you put in less than you take out, you're eventually going to be left with a smaller amount. But where most celebrity fad diets go wrong is their focus on unrealistic short-term, life-limiting changes. Drinking a couple hundred calories a day for a week will definitely lead to weight loss, but without a significant and attainable lifestyle shift, that weight is unlikely to stay lost for long. It's important to take small steps toward adopting a healthier approach to living – taking the stairs at work, substituting a morning coffee for water, or limiting yourself to one helping of dessert. It's equally important to avoid denying yourself the things you love. While it sounds cliché, it's all about striking the right balance. No "diet" embraces these ideals more than the "non-diet" lifestyle plan Weight Watchers. This group is an institution, with special meetings, books, scales, recipes, exercise equipment, and even its own branded foods. To sit in a lunchtime group meeting along with forty of your closest middle-aged women friends is to learn the trials and tribulations of going to the gym in your tragically uncool workout gear, and thrilling in the discovery of a new two-point muffin. The program is basically a glorified calorie-counting regime, supplemented with group meetings designed to help keep its weight watchers motivated. It's certainly not rocket science, but studies indicate it seems to work. What is more, the former Duchess of York continues to be its spokesperson, so it's packaged with a slick celebrity (sort of) endorsement to boot. While I can't say I ever expected to be swayed by Sarah Ferguson's opinions, she clearly married the better brother, so why not give her the benefit of the doubt when it comes to choosing the right non-diet? This may be the beginning of a whole new lifestyle for me – one where I jump at excuses to take off my shirt, compare notes with my buddies about how much I benched this morning, and actually skip dessert every now and then. It's going to be great! And I'm going to get right on that. As soon as I've finished this second serving of ice cream.
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