Last week's Gossip Girl, "Goodbye Columbia," offered the usual scheming and machinations by Chuck and Blair, eye-popping stupidity for Vanessa and Nate, and stupendous lack of awareness for Serena. I would complain, but this (and the insane clothes) is why we watch the show, is it not?

Scheming: I Almost Forgot How Much I Used to Enjoy Your Pie

Blair's deluded herself into thinking that Columbia's campus will provide an oasis from her war with Chuck. Naturally, this incantation summons Chuck to campus: he's "auditing a few classes" for . . . something . . . related to the Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda. Amazingly, Blair's reaction is pretty much, "Buh?", so Chuck starts explaining a rotunda in a way not dissimilar to the time he cut Gabriel (who's amazing in The Social Network, btw) off with "I think we all know what a Ponzi scheme is." Blair's shock, however, is to seeing her oasis so quickly revealed as a mirage, and this will not be the last time this episode the Chuck has to explain the concept of war to Blair.

They both go after the student assistant position that accompanies some guest lecturer. Given that she is the most unprofessional woman on the planet (and this show knows from unprofessional) and that she gives the student assistant position to someone who isn't even a student, let's skip over the various twists and double crosses to note the more important parts:

1. The return of Chuck's scarf. It's only momentary, but, ah, those carefree days of early Season 1. 
2. Blair tries to impress the guest lecturer who's name isn't important enough to remember with a massive, Pushing Daisies-style cherry pie, which is all a set up for Chuck to lean over and sniff, "I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie." Dirty! I spend sometime debating whether this is the dirtiest thing I have heard on network television since Logan's crack about pep squad pie but decide it's more in keeping with Eric getting Sookie's rug wet on True Blood. Some would tell you Vampire Diaries is True Blood's network corallary, but I am telling you, it's this show. True Blood is exactly what Gossip Girl would be if it were on premium cable. Blair is Eric and Serena is Sookie, and it all falls out from there. 
3. Guest lecturer who's-name-I-am-not-going-to-look-up-you-can't-make-me overhears Chuck and Blair laying out the various things they dug up to blackmail her with and promptly quits on the spot.

Afterwards, Blair is like, "Congratulations, you took away the assistant position/guest lecturer-too-unprofessional-to-merit-a-name-check, we're even," so Chuck has to explain war to her again. This, you see, was a battle. Blair took away his hope/future when she drove Eva off, and now Chuck will not stop at nothing until he takes everything away from Blair. In a move that's both surprisingly and kind of heartbreaking, he once again gives her the out of just admitting that she still loves him, but she's too skittish. Bringing up the Dread Little J once again, Chuck even volleys that back at her: if she were really so over it, why hasn't she told her family or blabbed to Gossip Girl? Blair thinks it's mutually assured destruction, and that's where she's so wrong. Chuck's gone back to not caring about his reputation. Blair needs a general.

In the meantime, Chuck calls up some Veronica  to get her to put Little J, Parsons, and Tim Gunn together. Let's all take a moment to regret that Ed Westwick's exquisitely expressive face had little do to his episode besides sneer and smother the look of "you bint" when his spy in Blair's camp (one of her minions is already put-upon, which is really subpar as minions go. I bet she would never be able to serve up a Nair-tini) tells him that helping him take Blair down is good practice in case she ever has to do it. Apparently someone needs to explain the concept of war to her as well. (Hint: it involves total annihilation). 

Stupidity: I Don't Know if I Can Have This Conversation One More Time

Juliet uses GG to start a rumour that Serena has an STD. So much unbelievability here I hardly know where to start: 1) that GG would publish something that came from Juliet, knowing as she does that Juliet is a big ol' liar, 2) that Serena doesn't, has never, and wouldn't ever need to get tested for an STD, 3) that one would assume that it was Serena, and not Nate's Black Book Summer, that would result in his need for a screening, never mind the fact that he is Nate and has therefore slept with everyone.  

ANYway, the stupidity falls out in two lines:

1. Vanessa categorically refuses to believe that Dan didn't sleep with Serena that spring and furthermore forgets that Dan goes to NYU, not Columbia, and therefore wouldn't be seen by a doctor at the Columbia student medical centre. What with not being a student there and all. Somehow, this inspired her to a) wear this and b) steal Serena's phone to check for secret STD messages from Dan. Learning nothing, she's relieved, only to have Juliet's evil plan also include framing her. While Dan believes Vanessa's innocence, it's sort of irrelevant since she can't believe in his. I am confused because Dan's attitude and behaviour makes sense to me here. Despite the fact that she didn't have anywhere to go last week when she threatened to move out, this week she does. Off she goes. Whee!
2. Nate "took a page out of the Humphrey Playbook" and stayed up all night playing Scrabble and talking with Juliet at the end of "A Touch of Eva." First of all, how does a human even survive going from Chuck's Black Book to the Humphrey Playbook? Pretty sure if you slam on the breaks at that speed, you get whiplash. Secondly, what would a Humphrey Playbook even look like? "Judge her by your own vicious class warfare standards"? "Make her feel like shit for buying you a nice gift"? "When in doubt, mumble"? Point is, Juliet makes Nate think that Serena, not all those prostitutes, must have given him VD, so he needs to get tested before they can have sex, which is pushed back from "tonight" to when the results come in. Only Chace Crawford even tries to act like this wait is a bother in any way. Naturally, he doesn't question it when she inexplicably decides to jump him after all, which is just as well as he is Nate, but I'm sort of saddened that they are in this weird, jaded Chuck-and-Blair-at-the-beginning-of-last-season place where they need the champagne and the lingerie and the special night for their first time together. Aren't they supposed to be 19 or 20? Aren't jell-o shots and a nearby dorm room enough? You would think that Nate would realize that this makes Juliet either 12 or 200, but he doesn't. Probably because he is also a 12 year-old girl.

Lack of Self-Awareness: If Only There was a Device of Some Kind to Keep the Time!

Serena's been consistently late to her freshman English class because Joan's husband keeps stealing her cab. While Serena was a crime-fighter as recently as two weeks ago, she can't figure out 1) how to leave earlier, 2) how to use the Waldorf's car service, 3) how to use public transit (I realize that this is a stretch). For some reason never seen outside television and movies, her freshman English professor has noticed her lates (which count as absences?)  and cares about them. Serena begs for a few minutes of office time, which must be by appointment only, which why even have office hours then, and then fails to arrive on time for even that.

Serena decides to try talking to her prof at the Party Everyone Ends Up At because time and place mean literally nothing to her, where Juliet, who is somehow still allowed in Hamilton House after that stunt with the keys and who is even more inexplicably a freshman like Serena even though she was keymaster, steals Serena's phone and sends an email to their prof offering sex for grades. Serena remembers her crime-fighting well enough to point out that it's difficult to send an email from a phone in coat check (not that I believe Serena would check her clutch) or one that has been stolen. The dean (of what? the English Department? Student Affairs?) and the prof are like, "We'll discuss this tomorrow," so Juliet plants the purloined phone in Vanessa's bag just as she's about to confess to nabbing in/point the finger at Juliet. Since Vanessa was all up in her grill this week while "The Undergraduates" was two weeks ago, Serena decides to believe that Vanessa is the snake instead of Juliet. Juliet can now be her friend. Amazing!

In the end, Serena orders a red snapper recommended by Joan's husband Colin who siddles up to her at the bar and somehow manages to charm her despite the fact that he and his parade of ladies have been "stealing" her cabs all week.

In other news:

• I can't tell if this really was a subpar episode or if waiting a week to recap it just rubs the shine off.
• I'm in awe that this show is trying simultaneous destruction plots re: Serena and Blair. While their respective crises will no doubt lead to a falling out, I hold out hope that they will combine forces and conquer the universe. They could.
• Nate and Dan get back together, but Nate says "no hugs" to crush us. I assume off-screen blowjobs aren't out of the question.
• Dan either attends or participates in Nate's soccer practice, as he, too, has forgotten that he attends NYU. 
• I think I ended up in love with Serena's sixties-style off-white dress.
• Points if Colin gave you a shiver even if you didn't recognize him as Joan's rapist husband. Juliet plant, no doubt?
• So, Ben is Juliet's boyfriend? Why else would he care if she were getting attached to Nate? The point is to bring Serena down, and Nate's sort of beside the point, no? Although, when isn't he?
• The dean has her eye on Serena (and Blair) for attracting undue attention to herself, like that's some sort of expulsion-worthy crime. Columbia is the opposite of Yale, who welcomed Serena's wildness with open arms. Transfer there, Serena.

On Monday, October 25: Little J, Tim Gunn, something fashiony, war.