It’s November, which means it’s Blair’s birthday, and I don’t even care that “War of the Roses” would have me believe Blair licks her own envelopes. Surely they have one of those giant machines that you run the envelopes through like we have at work. If not, Dorota would be using one of those sponge rollers. It doesn’t matter, though, since last night’s Gossip Girl isn’t wholesale about sex, as the preview would have you believe, but about treaties and double crosses and everyone being in the dark about everyone else. Classic Gossip Girl as would befit the birthday of a queen.

Article 49: Strip Clubs of the Outer Boroughs are ceded to Chuck Bass

Blair’s pretending to eat breakfast with Eleanor, who flew back from Paris to throw Blair an early birthday party. Cyrus sent a signed copy of Eleanor Roosevelt’s This I Remember. Blair invites Dorota upstairs for a dramatic reading of page 1 before she heads out to meet Serena.

Serena, in the meantime, is meeting Colin during his office hours. This is literally her plan: it won’t look suspicious if a student goes to a professor’s office hours every time he has them for seven weeks then starts banging him as soon as the class ends. Not. At. All. They talk about a bunch of shit, but the camera would like you to know that they are really focused on each other’s HAIR! And LIPS! And FINGERS! And EYES! And what not. It kind of grosses me out, TBH. Also, Colin is some sort of lobster-boating Horatio Alger hero, but I couldn’t care less.

Nate and Serena are standing around being friends again! I don’t know why this has happened, but I am overjoyed. I’m still convinced that they could save the world if they could figure some basic shit out like how to be places (Nate should just show Serena how to Foursquare or whatever he does when he decides he needs to rescue peeps). Anyway, Nate’s teasing Serena about her sex glow, and Serena’s like, “Check it: I have achieved glow without sex.” Nate remembers to pretend to be sad about Juliet for 30 seconds, so it’s fortunate that Chuck and Blair walk in through different doorways and get pissed about the presence of the other. Nate and Serena have decided that they are tired of Chuck and Blair’s war, and, when they are like, “Us, too, we called a truce, and it was kind of sexy,” Serena has to be all, “Not enough!” Forsooth, they hired a court stenographer and are now going to force their friends to hammer out a treaty. If the treaty is broken, Nate and Serena will stop being friends with the offender. You think this wouldn’t be a credible threat because Nate and Serena are both kind of useless, but you know it so is. What’s life without these two special unicorns? Also, Serena would have to move into the Bass Cave, and you know Blair doesn’t want that. I briefly wondered how this could possibly be legally binding and then decide that if you told me that Serena was a notary public, I would believe that, too.

Time lapse, negotiations re: fashion weeks in Paris and Milan, sleeping with waitress at charter restaurants, who gets the Standard on weeknight vs. weekends. Your average collaborative divorce stuff. I have a love/hate thing with Serena’s navy dress with bra top. It looks great with the jacket on. Strip clubs of the outer boroughs come up, and Blair hauls Serena off for a sidebar. Not because she wants the strip clubs but to avoid seeming weak. Serena tries to tell Blair about Colin, and Blair’s pretty much like, “Boffing a prof is not something you are ever allowed to talk to me about.” Back at the table, Blair pours herself a glass of water with such insouciance that Ed Westwick’s exquisitely expressive face goes positively feral, and I can’t tell if he’s going to rip her clothes off or rip her throat out. At any rate, Blair cedes the strip clubs, which would conclude the negotiations if not for a secret article that Blair wants to discuss without counsel present. I hope it’s break up sex do’s and don’t’s! Nate and Serena bounce.  

Outside, Chuck and Blair each have a copy of the treaty (Blair’s folder is red; Chuck’s is black). Article 18 is “no touching,” so they nod at each other that they will never interact again except at the 28 events per week where their lives intersect. Then they both walk to their separate vehicles (Blair’s town car, Chuck’s limo) and look back longingly at each other when the other has looked away. This treaty will last a lifetime, I’m sure.

Guys Make Better Buffers

Serena runs into Juliet, who is sure to run up and sniff all over the place and generally act sketchy in a way that she hopes Serena will interpret as friendly. By some miracle, Serena does. She’s carrying around a first edition of her favourite book, The Beautiful and the Damned, and I’d buy that Serena digs Fitzgerald. She’s a Daisy Buchanan. Juliet fishes for info about Blair’s birthday, and Serena’s like, “It’s actually a gift for a professor.” Juliet stops cold at Serena’s stupidity (how, o how, did she manage to destroy Juliet and Ben’s family?) but remembers her duty and prods Serena into admitting that she has a crush on a prof who has a crush on her. Juliet points out that guys are total horn dogs who can’t possibly wait for sex even though she just made Nate wait for sex right up until a week ago. Shut up, Juliet. Anyway, Serena shoots her a look like, “Are you trying to undermine me? I’m Cece Rhodes’ granddaughter.”

Unfortunately the subpar undermining does work since Serena immediately hightails it to Colin’s (which is not in her building? WTF?), spies a “pretty” lady (no offence but I was way too distracted by her fluffy hair to notice anything else) exiting a cab into Colin’s place, and decides that he must be sleeping around. Serena buzzes. Inside, Colin’s like, “You shouldn’t be here,” and Serena goes, “’Cause you have a lady here?” Why, yes, it’s the cleaning lady. Serena feels childish, yet Colin does not wonder why he is dating a child instead of a woman his own age. Serena decides that the best way to avoid all this silliness is to completely avoid each other until end of term. Naturally, this means that Colin will be at birthday party tonight.

Serena calls up Blair to complain, who basically tells her to shove it, so she calls up Juliet to crow about how the mystery prof is not sleeping around. She does, however, worry that she can’t control herself around him, and Juliet jumps on the opportunity to act as Serena’s buffer at the party.

Serena uses her magic powers to find Nate on campus to warn him that Juliet will be at the birthday party tonight. Nate points out that Blair hates Juliet and that guys make better buffers anyway, so Nate will act as her escort. Yes, that worked so well when he tried to stop her from sleeping with Tripp. Serena agrees and calls Juliet to release her from her obligation. At no point does it occur to anyone anywhere that repeatedly inviting and disinviting someone to a party at the last minute is rude.

The Paper Anniversary

Rufus, Eric, and Dan are out wandering the streets to plan Rufus and Lily’s anniversary party at the last minute. Except that Rufus cancelled it because he wanted it to be a family affair and Jenny stayed in Hudson to study for a test the next day. He wanders directly into traffic to “go find Lily some flowers,” while Dan facetiously wonders why kind of test takes place on a Saturday. I try to remember if their SATs in Season 1 took place on a Saturday, but then I remember that time has no meaning on the UES. Eric goes for a witty retort: “Fear of Chuck and Blair 101.” Since I’m not sure that Eric bore witness to the entirety of last week’s events, this would be the right time for Dan to answer, “Actually, last week Jenny beat Chuck and Blair at their own game, and I was so jealous that I called my sister an asshole and re-banished her to Hudson. Then she told Chuck and Blair right to their faces that she was just going to sit back and let them raze the whole damn town. She will then come back and declare herself Queen of the Rubble, and we’ll follow her because she’ll be the only one who isn’t freakishly mutated.” But does Dan say this? No, he does not.

Instead, they go back to Prada Mafia, which now has the ugliest damn chair especially for Dan to sit on and feel smug. Eric suggests that they simply ask Chuck for his assistance as Chuck loves Lily in a way so pure and perfect that none of them will ever understand it, and he will therefore be interested in doing something to make Lily happy. Was Chuck not invited to their family affair? He’s also family. Eff Rufus, Dan, and Eric. Also, if Jenny hadn’t blown her family occasions exception with her GG blast last week, they wouldn’t even be having his conversation. Dan is loath to ask Chuck for a favour and even more so when the GG blast goes out about the treaty. He decides that he has “righteousness” on his side (see? I told you he wasn’t kidding) and will therefore convince Chuck that Blair has broken the treaty in order to get Chuck to smuggle Jenny onto the island in his carry-on luggage. So he tells GG that Blair fucked Jack Bass on a yacht in the south of France last summer. Having been to the south of France last summer myself, I hold this to be infinitely possible except for the part about Jack Bass. There is no way that Blair would ever. That’s right – the very idea is so wrong that I don’t even need to write a sentence that makes sense.

Dan immediately appears at the Empire penthouse pretending to look for Nate and fails instantly in his plan when Chuck tells him that Nate is in his room. Since Dan isn’t good at playing, he might as well be out with it already, so he’s like, “You can get back at Blair by helping Jenny come to an anniversary party that Blair probably doesn’t care about anyway.” Naturally, Blair appears from around the corner with that giant bowl of strawberries that apparently is always available in the penthouse fridge and lets Dan know that they were expecting a stealth attack when news of the treaty broke. Jack Bass was in Chile last summer (Chuck to Blair: How did you know that?). Blair is so high on this minor victory that she further invites Chuck (who accepts with pleasure) and Dan (who accepts with a scowl) to her birthday party. Chuck and Blair flutter off while Dan goes into Nate’s room to throw a passive-aggressive hissy. Nate not only knew about the peace treaty, he and Serena brokered it, adding that he is a diplomat at the UN in his spare time and thinks he really has a shot at the Nobel this year. Dan makes a boo-boo kitty face about Nate seeing Serena, as that apparently violates their man law. Nate points out that he has Chuck’s copy of the treaty right here in his hot little hands, and it contains an article so top secret that not even he knows what it is. He’s waiting for someone to come pick it up and store it in a safe, and, wait right there. Chuck doesn’t have a man-sized safe in the penthouse? Malarkey. Anyway, Nate’s like, “This document right here, that I am about to leave unprotected, contains top secret info that could hurt Chuck and/or Blair,” so Dan pounces on it the moment Nate’s back is turned.  Righteousness indeed, Dan.

Back at Prada Mafia, Dan’s divulged the secret to Eric. Even Eric is like let’s quit while we’re ahead. So Dan waits for Eric to leave the room and immediately calls some “Rita” at “Interscope,” name dropping Lily to get whatever he wants. Damn, Dan. You’ve really lost your mind.

The Party Everyone Ends Up At

Even Rufus and Lily are at Blair’s birthday, along with Rachel Zoe, assorted New Yorkers I don’t recognize, and the Dean of Freshmen Students’ Personal Lives. The Dean is so impressed with Blair’s ability to throw a party (seriously) that she invites Blair out to lunch. Blonde minion gives Blair props, as the last woman the Dean took out to lunch became the CEO of Pepsi. Chuck shows up wearing a red/brown suit that perfectly complements Blair’s dress, and is that a pocket square shaped like a rose? Chuck Bass’s dresser, you are my hero. Colin shows up with Juliet, who promptly goes to lay in wait. Serena gets distracted by Colin, so Nate makes her recite the Gettysburg Address, as they had to memorize it in school. Basically, they laugh and love on each other like they should. He leaves Serena alone for 30 seconds, and Juliet pounces, knocking Nate’s buffering abilities and digging for further info about which prof Serena fancies. Serena demurs and Juliet takes off upon Nate’s return. Nate then leaves Serena with her parents while a waiter hands Serena a note from Colin to meet him upstairs in five. Serena excuses herself and runs off to do so. Nate confronts Colin, who confirms that he isn’t Ben, the man Juliet left Nate for. Wait, what? Since when did Juliet leave him for someone else?

Juliet and Colin has a confrontation in the kitchen about how she is seeing Ben even though she’s not supposed to be, and, whoa! Colin isn’t in on it? Didn’t see that coming. Man, it’s still going to blow up in his face. Another man brought low by Serena’s mighty vag. At the same time, Blair’s dragging Nate into the kitchen for a confab about Juliet’s total evilness, which is how they spy Colin and Juliet. Blair runs off to warn Serena while Nate confronts Juliet. She tells him that that isn’t the man she left him for but her cousin. Oh, my. This is one weird family. Nate tells her that Colin is the prof that Serena is trying to avoid getting involved with.

Out in the main room, Eric finds out that Dan has gone ahead with whatever he has planned and advises him to call it off since their parents are in attendance. It’s too late, though, as Rita and Robyn have arrived. Seems Rita thinks this is a roast, so she gives a cryptic little speech and plays a video from two years ago of Blair drunkenly singing karaoke. Song choice: “Stand by Your Man.”

Blair immediately forgets what she was doing and produces a knife to shiv Chuck for breaking the secret last article of their treaty. Chuck denies any involvement and is hurt that Blair won’t take him at his word when he afforded her the courtesy just earlier that day. Now he definitely wants to know how Blair knew Jack was in Chile that summer, and Blair confesses that she was so desperate for news of Chuck that she hired a private detective. Since Chuck was off the grid, Jack was the only Bass the PI turned up. The flickering hope on Ed Westwick’s exquisitely expressive face as he asks, “You worried about me?” kills me. Blair’s not going to let that vulnerability go unpunished, though, so she immediately goes back to her initial accusation that Chuck must be behind it because Serena and Nate would have no motive to use the footage even if they did peek at the treaty. Naturally, Dan and his stupid plaid shirt walk up and loudly confess, then get even louder when Nate has to be like, “Why are you a dick?” Dan starts yelling about how Jenny is afraid to come home (ugh, see above) and how Chuck and Blair are smug and condescending and deserve whatever they get. I hope this means that Dan will now be excommunicated by Nate and Serena. Before he can get to the part with the righteousness, Rufus appears from the shadows to call his son an asshole, just as Dan did to Jenny last week, and retreats. Everyone dies down but not before Rachel Zoe somehow gets her head covered in chocolate fondue.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

Upstairs in her room, Serena and Colin have missed the entire scene because they were agreeing that they can’t wait, but they can, at least until they leave Serena’s room and go wherever else she thinks they should fuck. Colin’s place, as it turns out. On the phone, Juliet tells Ben that she can’t go through with the plan due to the Colin factor, but Ben will brook no dissent. Serena ruined their family, and now she must be expelled. I laugh at Ben for thinking that will break her. Yale will probably offer her a scholarship. At Colin’s place, Serena decides again some more that they should wait, but she does give Colin a big sexy kiss right in front of the camera Juliet planted while she stands outside and stares up at the window like a serious creep. Also, Serena’s dress, once so pretty, is revealed to have a slit all the way up to her waist so that the entirety of her left leg is exposed. I doubt that’s all that was exposed.

Rufus and Lily go home to find Prada Mafia outfitted with beautiful paper flowers that apparently were mostly made by Dan. I remark to no one that that’s really more of a Vanessa thing, so naturally she appears at the loft. Seems she and Dan are stuck being roomies because she couldn’t get back into student housing. Dan and Vanessa blame the UES for rubbing off on them, then Vanessa tells Dan that they’ll always be friends. When he’s on the phone with Rufus, though, Vanessa gives him a sad still-in-love look.

Blair and Eleanor have tea, and Blair complains about the current social disaster. Eleanor, however, repeats the maxim that “a good party gives people what they don’t expect” and furthers the idea that you can be a powerful woman and still be vulnerable, or something. Basically finding the right man is her point. Eleanor disappears into the ether.

Blair wanders around blowing out candles (maybe she’s going to do them individually until she gets to 20), and her dress, once so pretty, is revealed to be shapeless and unflattering and cheap-looking from the back. Chuck emerges from the shadows with a look of raw intensity on his face. I think you know what this means. He demands that they call off the treaty because he hates her too much to pretend to be peaceful. You know we know what that means. Blair immediately agrees that her every nerve ending is on fire with hate for Chuck. Chuck says that his stomach is a fiery pit of hate for her that is waiting to explode. You do know what this means, right? Hot angry sex. YES! Clothes are getting ripped off and they’re on the piano and it’s all garters and flying panties and YES! It’s about time these two got to have some hot sex.

In other news:

• Blair calls Jenny “gothic Barbie.”
• “Are you putting gladiolas with my cabbage roses? THE WALDORF’S IS NOT A BEST WESTERN!”
• “I know you think you’re still rock and roll, but you’re wearing a two thousand dollar jacket.”
• Eleanor corrals Juliet into helping with the appetizers because she remembers her from Fashion’s Night Out. Once a plebe . . .
• There are cookies in the shape of Blair's shoes.
• The minions get excited for what they assume to be a Jack Bass sex tape or snuff film. With Blair, it could go either way.

Next time: Chuck and Blair sex it up all over town, and Chuck says a bunch of dirty things. Yay!