The 5 Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

The holiday season can be a time of many enjoyable things.  Usually we're not so sick of winter that snow is a means for a fun afternoon of tobogganing or an excuse to curl up with a book rather than a cause of major annoyance.  People in shopping malls are harried, sure, but away from all that people are generally in cheerful spirits.  The holidays mean fun foods and parties, and usually time spent with people we care about.

Another integral part of the holiday season is Christmas music.  Whether it's on your favorite radio station, being played in the mall or grocery store, or being sung by carolers, Christmas music is a tradition that is inescapable.  I love most Christmas music.  In my family growing up Christmas music was played non-stop from December 1^st until Christmas.  The sound of Johnny Mathis singing "Sleigh Ride" gives me that warm fuzzy feeling that Christmas is all about.  This is not to say that all Christmas music is created equal.  Some Christmas songs or renditions are the holiday spirit gone wrong.  With that sentiment in mind, I present what I consider to be the five worst Christmas songs of all time.

5.  "Jingle Bells" by Diana Krall

Starting at the bottom, with #5 (the least offensive of the bunch) is Diana Krall's version of "Jingle Bells".  "Jingle Bells" is a relatively older Christmas song, written by Pierpont in 1857, and is overall non-offensive.  So what has earned it this #5 place in my list?  It's the addition the statement at the end of the song "I'm just crazy about horses".  Well, isn't everyone who likes horses?  If there is one thing I know about horse people, it's that they're crazy.  This aside, it's as though Ms. Krall thinks she needs to justify her singing of this old tune by adding a quick line about her horse.  It's not like I'm going to think any better or worse of you if you want to go for a holiday ride in a one horse open sleigh.  Just own the song!   The forced-sounding addition makes me cringe every time I hear it and for that reason it earns the number 5 spot.

4. "Santa Baby" by Madonna

The fourth worst Christmas song spot goes to "Santa Baby" popularized by Madonna.  I would die happy if I never had to hear someone refer to Santa using a "sexy" voice ever again.  This song is up there with "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" (which incidentally just missed making the top 5) in that I just don't want to think of a jolly fat man delivering my gifts and or children's gifts but also getting it on while on the job once in awhile.  I mean, what about Mrs. Claus?  Is she okay with this?  Let's keep our clean and wholesome image of Santa-and-the-midnight-break-in and not mix adultery in with it.

3. "(It must have been 'ol ) Santa Claus" by Harry Connick Jr.

Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it.  I hate jazz music.  I know, I know, this isn't acceptable to a lot of people.  It's just the way I am.  So you may think that my third worst Christmas song of all time, "(It must have been ol') Santa Claus" by Harry Connick Jr. (sorry, Mom!) is prejudiced, but it's just a really terrible song.  If you've ever listened to this song, it feels like getting slapped in the face over and over again.  The way the band comes in and out to accentuate different parts of the song gives me a headache.  The only headaches I want around Christmas are those the morning after drinking too much eggnog (who's with me?).

2. "The Little Drummer Boy" by Anyone

The second worst Christmas song of all time is obviously any version of "The Little Drummer Boy" ever made.  I hardly think I need to back this up, but I will support my claim with this: "Par-um-pum-pum-pum... par-um-pum-pum-pum... par-um-pum-pum-pum" should never have passed as a chorus.

1. "Christmas Shoes" by Newsong

And here it is the #1 worst Christmas song of all time... "Christmas Shoes" by Newsong.  If you've never heard this gem before I challenge you to take a listen and make it through the entire song without rolling your eyes.  Some may object to my assertion that this song is the worst Christmas song of all time because "I have forgotten the real meaning of Christmas" or perhaps because "my heart is cold, like winter".  These are valid arguments and I should deal with them before I explain my rationale for my dislike of Christmas Shoes.  First of all, I am not a Christian and thus the concepts of meeting Jesus, etc... have little relevance to my life.  I am attacking the song as a modern, secular audience.  Yes, the song is written by Christian musicians and probably for a Christian audience.  However, the damn song gets played on non-Christian music stations and in malls so I will hold it to this standard.  Secondly, yes, I may have a cold heart.  In any case the offense of this song is that it plays on a very obvious ploy to make us have that "oh his mama is dying!!!" moment.  Of course mama is going to die tonight, and of course the kind stranger is going to pass over a few dollars so the grimy kid can get his mom a present.  What makes Christmas Shoes so barf-worthy isn't the fact that it tries to teach us all an important lesson about the true meaning of Christmas, it's that it tries to do so in such a saccharine/give me a break!/are you kidding me with this?/ kind of way.

Good Christmas music walks a fine line between ridiculous and touching.  The songs I have listed here are mostly ridiculous with a little "gag" thrown in for good measure.  Diana Krall is too crazy about horses.  "Santa Baby" is not seasonally appropriate.  "Santa Claus" and "The Little Drummer Boy" are just bad songs in general; one is offensive to the ears and one to the mind.  "Christmas Shoes" is the epitome of a bad Christmas song in the ridiculousness of the situation (how did a little boy get to a department store without his dad when his mom is dying in a hospital?) and the sappy delivery of the "true meaning of Christmas".  My Christmas wish for this holiday season is that no person must endure these songs on the radio or in a mall.

Did we miss any of your least favourite songs? List them below!

Comments (3)

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April Yorke

January 14, 2011

Votes: +0

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Christmas shoes is the worst Christmas song

But surely "Wonderful Christmastime" is a very close second. Shut up, Sir Paul. Also, I associate "Santa Baby" with Eartha Kitt. All Catwomen get a lifetime pass from me, minus Halle Berry because what was that movie.

Leigh

January 21, 2011

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Definitely could be #6

You're right April, "Wonderful Christmastime" is pretty bad. It would be in my bottom 10 for sure. Thanks for reading!

Scott

October 26, 2011

Votes: +0

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Cut Krall some slack

Enjoyable, overall, but you missed the boat on Krall. With that tagline, as any jazz fan would tell you, Krall was merely giving a nod to Ella Fitzgerald's version of the song. She's the one who was originally crazy about horses. So, blame Ella (at your peril!).

I'd say, drop that entry and replace it with Bing Crosby's "Marshmallow World," which features the immortal line, "And the sun is red like a pumpkin head." WTF!

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