Gossip Girl Will Lie Right to Your Face |
 |
 |
| Written by April Yorke |
| Wednesday, 27 October 2010 19:30 |
|
Blair’s Psychic Hotline Blair has a Wait Until Dark dream that we both see and hear her explain in detail to Serena. Thanks? Anyway, she thought Chuck was the dream attacker until she reached back and grabbed a handful of ratty blonde extensions. Blair also takes this opportunity to call Serena a slut like she does every episode lately, and I’m getting a little tired of it. I wonder why Serena doesn’t just tell her to eff off but remember that it’s probably to avoid getting axe murdered. Blair also inaccurately describes Serena’s hair as being in “missionary disarray.” Serena has sex hair all the time, so it’s kind of a wonder how they cooked up beach hair for her this episode and called it sex hair. Anyway, Serena’s like, “Yes, but we didn’t fuck!” and Blair’s like, “My dream is more important than your real life!”, so Serena tries to use her Serena-magic to amalgamate the two by suggesting that they talk it over while taking a cab to school. Serena plans to get there on time since she knows Cab-Thieving Colin won’t have anyone to pour into a taxi this morning. I’m briefly amazed that she may have concocted this scheme just to neutralize Colin but no such luck. Also, no takers. Blair has somewhere else to be. Blair's psychic intuition leads her to an empty Prada Mafia, where she follows her instincts into Little J's room. Despite her totally righteous banishment, said room contains the completely unfortunate Little J. I mean, she doesn't have the raccoon eyes any longer, but the rest of it is still pretty bad. She wears a braid for much of the episode that I keep mistaking for the giant knot/dread the one homeless I guy I see on the bus has. Anyway, Blair is like, "Prepare to get shived, bitch," and Jenny tries to use logic and reason in response because she is a moron. Finally, her grovelling allows Blair to feel big about herself by granting Jenny a day pass in exchange for not seeing or speaking to anyone outside of her Parsons interview and not coming back to the UES for the holidays. On campus, Blair runs into Chuck and is like, "Little J could destroy us!" Chuck pretty much just shrugs at this. Blair tasks her minions, including the incredibly enthusiastic Penelope, who I love, with staking out Prada Mafia and making sure Little J does not leave, as per her instructions. Back at Prada Mafia, Rufus wants to take Jenny out to dinner after her interview, and Jenny panickedly declines in favour of Rufus' chili, then skitters off to her room. Lily tries to put the kibosh the chili, politely telling him that it gives him gas ("The smell . . . it lingers"), while Dan and Eric follow Jenny into her room to interrogate her. I remember when the very sight of Eric used to thrill me. Sigh. Jenny tells them about the terms and conditions of her day pass, and there's this kind of awesome moment where Dan and Eric are like, "Blair is not the National Guard," and Jenny has to be like, "I would have to learn how to shoot fire out of my eyeballs to defeat her, and, even then, she's psychic now." So naturally at this exact moment Chuck wanders into the suddenly empty again Prada Mafia. Jenny's just kind of like, "Hmm," but Eric and Dan are ready to throw down. Dan, as the resident Chuck-puncher, heads out to deal with the situation. The situation, FYI, of an 18 year-old visiting his family's home. The one where he used to live. Right, anyway, Dan comes out, and he's like, "Why don't you just fuck off?" and Chuck politely requests to speak to Jenny, and Dan's all pissy, "Why, are you here to apologize for taking advantage of her and contributing to driving her away from her family?" Chuck levels him: "Something like that, only without the sarcasm." Hee! Dan's self-righteousness briefly falters but comes back long enough to snidely offer to pass along the message and kick Chuck out. Before he goes, Chuck grabs some Bass Industries blueprints off the kitchen counter because Lily thinks offices are for sissies. Empire. Chuck's wearing a bathrobe that is sadly not purple paisley and enjoying something brown. He calls Jenny and apologizes for accidentally wandering off her portfolio. Between the robe, the brown, the slightly mussed hair, the exposed chest hair, and the purring, I briefly worry that Chuck's plan involves seducing Jenny. He starts sniffing something in little glass jars laid out on a tray by some lady, and I breathe again when I realize he's going to get a massage. He tells Jenny that he'll leave the portfolio with the concierge and hangs up before she can remind him about this great thing called a messenger service. Little J heads outside and hails a cab, while the minions snap photos then hop into a cab of their own. "Follow that cab!" Penelope cries joyously. Seriously, she is a treat. Blair's getting a facial when the minions interrupt with the news that Jenny hit the Empire. Blair is shocked. Shocked! She mobilizes her troops. At Parsons where Tim Gunn no longer works, he's interviewing Jenny about her passion for fashion and the fact that said passion is sidetracked approximately every five minutes. Like all reasonable people, Tim Gunn is far more interested in Jenny's personal drama than her portfolio. Time comes to look at her designs (five black dresses), but, when the models come out, each dress has a letter of WHORE blazed across it in red lipstick. Gunn gives Little J the boot. While I appreciate Blair's dedication and resourcefulness, her characterization of Jenny as a whore for having had sex once (admittedly with the wrong guy, her man, etc.) really makes me sick. I don't know what to do with that. Given that my TV cut the W out anyway, couldn't they have gone with BITCH? Everything on this show related to Jenny's sexuality is fucked up. Outside, Jenny is trying to tell Dan about how she's never going to get into Parsons now when Blair casually saunters up and tucks a 5 o'clock train ticket into Jenny's bag. See? That's the Blair I love. When the blast goes out with this intel, a post-massage Chuck (still be-robed, still purring) calls Jenny up to invite her to the Party Everyone Ends Up At, including Tim Gunn. Jenny hesitates, so Chuck offers her tickets for her entire family guard. Jenny folds, and Chuck rings off to stand around looking like sex personified. Oh, show. I love that you do that once per episode. Boom Boom Room. Not Making That Up. Jenny corners Tim Gunn and lets him in on the whole sabotage thing, and he agrees to give her another interview. He starts to say something about how Chuck recommended her for the interview, and Jenny manages to put the pieces together. Blair, looking fabulous, has crashed with her minions to stop Little J from . . . existing, I guess. The minions are all, "You are going to get it now, Little J," and Penelope's bloodlust is palpable. Love her. Of course, this leads her to point out that absolutely no one knows why Jenny was banished, and, wow, way to give Little J the power. Sure enough, while Eric notes that something evil this way comes and tries to head her off at the pass, Jenny drops her big V secret on GG. Blair is running around all crazy about how Jenny is going to ruin their respective reps (getting cuckholded by Jenny fucking Humphrey would be pretty embarrassing). Chuck admits that he brought Jenny back just to make Blair squirm. Blair honestly says that he's gone to far, and I cannot believe he's going to have to explain the concept of no-limits war to her for a second episode in a row. Pull yourself together, Blair. Chuck further explains that Jenny is too above it all to let this particular cat out of the bag, so GG's blast has to interrupt that delusion. Hudson or no Hudson, Jenny isn't above anyone, except maybe Vanessa. Blair starts weakly protesting that it isn't true, like the people at the Observer's Cool Dudes Party even care, and Little J saunters up to confirm it in person. Ed Westwick's exquisitely expressive face has to try on "ashamed" for size. Penelope's face, however, looks overjoyed. Jenny's enjoying a cool drink in some secluded corner when Dan wanders up to judge. She's like, "I am the winner," and Dan's like, "How dare you play the game." Now it's Jenny's turn to feel ashamed. For publicly broadcasting the deets about what she did and who she did it with? I guess so. For acting like Chuck and Blair, mostly. I gotta tell you, I would feel pretty good about myself if I played the game against them and won. Later that night, Chuck and Blair are fighting outside while Little J is leaving. She tells them that she's headed back to Hudson because being back in the UES for one day is already turning her into the worst version of herself. Is there a better version of Jenny? Does it involve flashing her underage boobs? She gives them a little speech about how together they were invincible and now they will destroy each other and anyone in the vicinity. While I go, "Yeah, that's the point," Chuck and Blair make faces like that's a bad thing. Man, are you serious? Little J gets them to stop warring? And before they do anything particularly cool/cruel? That's leotarded. Jenny heads out to go be a better J or whatever, and Dan makes a crack about the Brooklyn in her guiding her to righteousness. Ew, he's so kidding on the square. Chuck comes a-knockin' on Blair's bedroom door, but sadly it is not like that despite his undone bow tie (surely a sign of humility!). He offers her a truce. Blair smells a double cross, but Chuck's sincere: "We’re holding on to the pain because it's all we have left. We don’t have to. We have a choice." It's hard to be pissed when Chuck decides to be profound, but I'm managing. Blair agrees to call off the war she was losing anyway, and they shake on it. A little handshake is all it takes to give Blair a charge, so she quickly closes the door. Leighton Meester, thank you for rising above your material. Chuck and Blair do that soap opera thing where they stand on opposite sides of the same door and think about opening it but do nothing. Fortunately they go soap operas one better by looking completely hot and devastated and confused and turned on while they do it. Even so, I miss the war that never really was. Columbia Has No Standards Serena manages to show up to class before it starts, where she runs into Chuck. Despite woman-with-no-professional-standards quitting last week, the Psychology of Business is still a course. Maybe tendering your resignation to a sophmore and a donor doesn't count? Nope. They've found someone else to take the class on. Some Fortune 500 dude that Chuck is keen to meet because . . . he's basically him already. Well, seriously. That dude, btw, turns out to be Colin. After class, Serena pouts to B that she really likes Colin, but now he's her teacher. Blair reminds her that only two days ago people thought she was willing to trade sex for grades, so actually doing that probably isn't going to help her rep. Serena tells Colin that their relationship will be strictly student-teacher from now on. Colin tells her that he can tell that she doesn't mean that, and I officially check out on him. The last time I saw a man in a position of power over a woman refuse to take her decision to treat their relationship professionally seriously, it was Derek and Meredith, and there's a reason I don't watch that show anymore. Shut up, Colin. In fact, he counters Serena's offer with a date to the Party Everyone Ends Up At because he's New York's most eligible bachelor, and are you trying to tell me that this guy is richer than Chuck? Because that's the only way someone could eclipse Chuck Bass on that list. Serena immediately backtracks, saying that she can still drop the course. I'm pretty sure that dropping a course so you can boff the prof still reflects poorly on you, Serena. Serena hustles over to Prada Mafia to borrow something sparkly from her mom for her big date, and her mom is all over her with the parental praise and pride for signing up for courses and attending them. I wonder how many semesters it took Lily to figure this out. Serena's there with Colin's book, which is also the textbook for the course because he's That Guy, and Lily's like, "Wow, a business course! I'm so impressed!" because she can undermine without even trying. Serena swallows her excitement about her date but still borrows some earrings. On their way into the party, Serena decides to enter separately from Colin lest the media alert her mom to the fact that she chose a dude over a course before she has the opportunity and splits before a disappointed Colin can counter with whatever other lack of respect he intended to show for her feelings tonight. Serena sure can pick 'em. Inside, Serena's surprised to find her mom there and even more so when Colin runs up and kisses her right in front of Lily. No sooner has he introduced himself than he flits off. Lily drops a massive dose of massively cruel reverse psychology on Serena, all about how she's just boobs and at Columbia to get an MRS and I don't know what all. Serena stalks off, as well she should, and Rufus walks up to be like, "Huh?" Lily explains that she just learned about reverse psychology this very afternoon from Colin's book, which she also read in its entirety this afternoon. Rufus is impressed because he just learned about psychology last week and thought you had to write "psychology" backwards on a paper and hold it up in front of a mirror to reverse it. Colin's up on stage accepting his bachelor of the year award and starts giving a speech about how maybe he'll someday find the right girl. He tries to make meaningful eye contact with Serena, who bails with Rufus and Lily instead. In some building that would totally be locked up at this hour, Serena's walking down the hall with a silver envelope in her hand because silver's for runners up. I get a strong sense of Tripp Vanderbilt. Sure enough, Colin's in his office, and, when Serena's like, "I wrote you this note about how I am dropping you instead of your class," he apologizes for not taking the course as seriously as she does. Colin, let me tell you something: no one takes this course seriously. Especially not Columbia. He also, however, suggests that they have a professional relationship while she's his student and start banging immediately afterward. Yes, because that won't be suspicious either. Serena is charmed by this display. If I worked at Columbia, I would be horrified by this portrayal. Okay, first I would be like, "OMD, Chuck Bass!" but then I would be horrified. Cell Block Tango Nate's on the phone with Dan, who reminds everyone that Vanessa moved out. Dan rationalizes that it's for the best because Vanessa will never really believe that he's over Serena. Nate makes a face like, "No one believes you're over Serena," but says nothing. Aw, Nate! He's on his way to visit the Captain in prison because the Captain's been transferred to Sing Sing. It is a cruelty for an ass as hot as Nate's to visit a prison. Nate bemoans that fact that Juliet took off after their first time instead of sticking around to cuddle. Naturally, this is the moment when he spies Juliet in the prison visitors' line. Outside on a conveniently located bench, Nate asks her if she's at the prison because her troubled brother Ben is inside. She practically jumps out of her skin at the idea that Nate could put two and two together, then lies that she's a volunteer for the prison literacy program. Nate does not point out that showing up in hemlines about one inch below her cooch is the second cruelest idea since Nate visiting a prison. Instead, she bails on those poor illiterate sods while Nate goes to visit his dad. Ben calls Juliet up collect to whinge about how she didn't visit when she was supposed to, and Juliet fully spills the beans about Nate being there because the Captain's inside. Ben's like, "This wouldn't be an issue if you had used Nate last week like I told you to, and now, as your brother, I worry about you getting too attached to someone you are supposed to betray, particularly someone with that fine an ass." Word travels fast in prison. Juliet makes the fatal mistake of suggesting that Nate is different. After they ring off, Ben pulls over the first guy he sees and asks for an introduction to the Captain. Dude does not immediately ask what's in it for him because everyone in minimum security prison is just so friendly. Also, it turns out that Sing Sing is a maximum security prison, which disappoints me since I love saying it. Nate's on the phone trying to figure out if Ben Sharpe is a prisoner at Not Sing Sing when Juliet walks in. He immediately comes clean with the snooping, citing previous relationship betrayals as a justification. He further clarifies that he found nothing. Juliet looks poised to tell him the truth when Nate gets a call about his dad getting a beat down in the yard. He's off to the infirmary. Juliet's crying on some couch when Nate calls to talk about his dad. She says something about how this is so hard, and Nate catches the snap. He accuses her of dumping him because the Captain's in prison and she decided she can do better. She starts to protests, but Nate peaces. Juliet's helping herself to something brown when Colin comes in and asks what's wrong. YES! Called Colin being a Juliet plant! He writes her a cheque. Juliet remarks that he was right: this is harder than she thought it was going to be. Holy man! Is Juliet a Colin plant? There are some seriously Shakespearean machinations going on here. Colin tells her it will be worth it and grins evilly. Oh, this just got so good. In other news:
Next time: Everyone's horny. The narrator says a bunch of things that I can't even believe you can say on network television, and Chuck has a "fiery hint [?] inside [him] that is ready to explode." If this leads to Chuck and Blair ripping each other's clothes off, I'll stop being mad about the war that never was. Naturally, I worry that this will lead to Chuck and Serena having sex.
Bookmark
Email this
Comments (2)
C'mon, Chuck's at least 19
And what did they do to his hair to make it look so damn good this season? Also, I pretty much was yelling at Jenny to stop telling Tim Gunn all her personal problems during the interview. So professional. Also also, if Eric and Dan were so ready to defend her from Chuck, maybe one of them could have gone to get the portfolio? |
| Last Updated on Thursday, 28 October 2010 00:17 |
In “Easy J,” Gossip Girl tries to tell us that Jenny Humphrey has been missed. No, she has not. She’s gone just as quickly as she arrived, which is exactly how we like it. This week’s Gossip Girl also featured Nate shaking it for Cellblock 6, Serena successfully attending a class, and a tragic end to Chuck and Blair’s war.
Subscribe to this comment's feed
