True Blood: Now how’m I supposed to deal with that?
|Written by April Yorke|
|Tuesday, 13 July 2010 12:47|
[Ed. note: Post delayed due to Bluesfest]
Sunday’s episode of True Blood, “9 Crimes,” was, as always, filled with ideas we can barely get our heads around: Eric’s continued emotionality, Bill’s continued hotness, Sam’s continued stupidity. Fortunately, we have Sookie’s continued insanity, Jason’s continued stupidity, and Tara’s continued worst life ever to pull our feet back to the ground. Not Eric’s, though, since he goes flying around way more than usual. All this and a shirtless Alcide. Is there anything on television quite like True Blood?
Mississippi Werewolves and the Vampires Who Feed Them
Sookie’s trying her hand at first aid with Alcide’s shoulder, but she’s mostly just noticing that shirtless Alcide (pronounced, I’m just now noticing, Al-SEED and not Al-SIDE) is a gift to the world. Now if only he would grow out that chest hair he so totally had waxed, we’d be on to something. She tries to tell him not to feel bad about losing the fight since the other guys were hopped up on V. Apparently V (and possibly anything having to do with vampires) is antithetical to Alcide’s werebeliefs. This little heart-to-heart is interrupted by a phone call, and, wow, this shit is cold. Hot shirtless Bill breaks up with Sookie over the phone (Sookie: Shut the fuck up), nastily telling her that he and Lorena just “fucked as only vampires can” (that’s one way of putting it), but then trying to get her to see reason: he’s brought little other than death and destruction into her life. Sookie reasonably points out the 180 from proposing to breaking up with someone over the damn phone, but Bill doesn’t want to be found. Sookie’s hysterical, and Alcide tries to comfort her, but his hot shirtlessness is a distraction for everyone involved, including the viewing audience.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Lorena’s lolling around Bill’s room, glowing post-coitally about their passion or whatever stupid crap she’s saying now, and Bill’s like, “Remember when I yelled, ‘PURE NIHILISM!’? Still true!” Lorena is still gross, claiming that Bill will love her again in 40 years or so, so Bill punches her in her stupid face and slams his silver doors shut.
Eric flies up to Sookie’s window. Sex dream? She invites him in. Sex dream. She gets all weird up in Eric’s grill, sniffing him and telling him that he smells like the ocean in winter. “How is that even possible?” she wonders. Eric, totally starting to freak out: “It’s not.” Is Eric dreaming? Vampires cannot dream! Don’t pull this crap two episodes in a row, show! Sookie smells his memories:” You played by the North Sea as a child.” Eric is an emotional basket case again some more, mildly freaking about how Sookie’s got powers he never ever realized, and pretty soon she’s slamming him on the bed and taking off her robe. Anna Paquin’s been working out; she’s got a serious six pack under there. Things barely get started before Eric’s reverie (yes, not a dream!) is interrupted by Yvetta, whose dancing has bored him and who looks right pissed when he dismisses her from the stage. Pam, meanwhile, looks concerned. You should be, Pam. It’s the emasculation of Spike all over again.
The next day, Sookie’s jumping all over Alcide, babbling about going to Debbie and Cooter’s engagement party and finding Bill, and Alcide’s like, “Oh, that guy who broke up with you over the damn phone? Yes, he sounds like a real winner.” Sookie, however, wants him to break up with her to her face and holds out hope that he said such things to her under duress. Alcide, naturally, thinks Sookie is a fool, so Sookie makes fun of him for cooking is breakfast steak in a wok instead of replacing the frying pan that Debbie took when she left. His apartment does have that weird half empty feel. Alcide thinks he’s done enough to fulfill his debt to Eric, which I think is really up to Eric unless they agreed to specific terms beforehand. Chances are those terms were something like, “Try to prevent Sookie from getting eaten by wolves.” Which means that Alcide is in debt to Eric for the rest of his life because when is Sookie ever not in trouble?
Sookie invites Alcide’s sister Janice, who is another long drink of water, over to give her a werewolf makeover for Debbie and Cooter’s engagement party for Janice runs a beauty salon. She reads Janice’s mind and picks up that it isn’t an engagement party at all: it’s Debbie’s Operation Werewolf initiation, and Debbie’s hooked on V. Also, Debbie and Cooter have been together for a whopping month. Damn, that girl moves fast. Janice, meanwhile, is on about horoscopes and how Sookie should hook up with Alcide, and it’s hard to disagree with the latter. Alcide comes home, sees Sookie in her werewolf get up (leather bustier, leather pants, black bob, tats), and gets the Debbie’s a V-head intel, so he agrees to take her to the party.
Now that it’s night, Russell and Bill discuss the coup over brandy and cigars. Success depends on the quality of Bill’s information, which is that Eric is moving V on the Queen’s behalf to solve her money troubles with the IRS. When did Bill put all that together? Also, how weird is it that Russell doesn’t know who Eric is? Anyway, Russell decides to sic the Magister on Sophie Anne. Bill makes a demand in return for his shifting loyalties: Lorena dies. Finally! Russell agrees. Also, we learn that Bill has been a procurer in Sophie Anne’s service for 35 years (at least that’s what it sounded like to me. I hate the sound quality on this show) and was on sabbatical when he moved back to Bon Temps and hooked up with Sookie. How is it that Russell cannot put this together? Bill is the means not the end, Your Majesty. Anyway, Russell, Lorena, and Bill go for a celebratory ride, by which I mean they take Bill to a strip club and send him in to “procure” them some dinner. Talbot would not approve.
Wereparty: Sookie and Alcide split up. Sookie’s pounding back shots with her attempted rapist from the night before (hilariously, he thinks that she looks familiar but says nothing). Alcide and Sookie try to warn Debbie to stop this, but nothing doing. Sookie gives one of her patented speeches that are really only about her: Alcide/Sookie loves Debbie/Bill so much that he/she is willing to fight to the bitter end to get Debbie/Bill to hold on to her/himself even if Alcide/Sookie doesn’t end up with Debbie/Bill . Debbie’s only reply is that she was screwing Cooter before she left Alcide. Debbie and her femullet, which I sincerely hope Janice gave her on purpose, suck.
Russell shows up, drops some German on them, and passes out his blood like it’s communion at Lou Pine’s. Shut up, Russell. Debbie is denied because otherwise the brand won’t last. For some reason, it goes on her shoulder instead of her neck and looks much larger than those we have already seen. Russell takes off, and Cooter hops up on the stage and takes off his clothes. Live sex show? Cooter shifts into wolf form. Live bestiality show? No, he licks Debbie’s wound then starts howling. Pretty soon everyone is howling and shifting, and Alcide hold it together enough to tell Sookie eight to 10 different times to run. At least he understands how dense she is.
Back at the limo where Bill is delivering a particularly sad stripper (“Life is a hell I won’t get out of alive,” she tells Bill. “No one does,” he and the viewing audience reply.), he gets a Sookie-in-danger chill and looks completely wigged (I wonder if he can also sense her proximity?). He reluctantly gets in the limo and just as reluctantly chows down on the screaming stripper. Oh, Bill.
Hot Shot, Land of Cousin-Brothers
Lafayette’s trying to unload some V on those gross meth dealers from the other week, and they decided to beat (kill?) Lafayette instead. Eric swoops in. Did Eric just show up because he sensed that Lafayette is in danger? Man! Anyway, Eric insists via his hand around Felton’s throat and lifting him 10 feet in the air that they take the deal (or he’ll kill Felton’s “cousin-brothers”), and takes off with Lafayette in his new car before any money or V gets exchanged, so I’m kind of wondering how this deal works. In the car, Eric chides Lafayette on his salesmanship, reminding him to adapt to client rather than trying to force the client to adapt to him, but he’s interrupted by a phone call before he can haul out a set of brass balls from his suitcase. Pam’s freaking out because Fangtasia’s getting raided, slipping into Swedish to make sure no one picks up on what she’s saying. Eric’s initially dismissive, telling her to call the American Vampire League (Nan!), but he quietly freaks when Pam reveals that it’s the Magister looking for blood (literally). She hangs up when the Magister finds her in the dungeon, and, oh, look at that, his goons just found a big case of V. Eric, for his part, quietly rolls down the window and flies on out of there.
Fangtasia’s Dungeon: Not Just for Human Torture Anymore
Back in the dungeon, the Magister’s got Pam up on the work wheel and is torturing her with silver. Eric’s completely flipping his wig when he sees Pam like that, and can we just take a moment to hand it to Alexander Skarsgård yet again? We’ve seen the way he loves Godric, curling his giant body around Godric’s tiny frame like a lover, and we’ve seen him get weirded out by his own feelings for Sookie. But we’ve never seen the parental concern he shows for Pam in this scene. Every time. He gets me every time. Okay, back to the scene: Eric’s ready to throw himself into the fire for Pam, confessing that he is responsible but that it’s also some kind of frame. Magister wants to know on who would do such a thing and pre-balks at the idea that it’s Sophie Anne, either because Pam already told him that part, or, more likely, Russell did. Pam, proving that torture doesn’t work, blames Bill, and Eric reminds the Magister that Bill is always ready to turn on his own kind. Magister gives Eric two days to find Bill, or he’ll stake Pam. Both Pam and Eric look suitably grieved by the very idea.
What’s more Romantic Than Flowers?
Franklin’s got Tara glamoured and wants her to spill about Bill and Sookie. Because Franklin is weird like that, he leaves her aware enough to be freaked out instead of lulled into the calm we normally see. Tara thinks Sookie’s interested in Bill because he gives her “quiet,” which, as a mind-reader, she can’t find anywhere else. Interesting that Tara implies that Bill’s is the only mind Sookie can’t read. Franklin gets Tara to call Sookie and demand her location in Jackson, but Sookie insists that she’ll come home when she’s ready. Tara uses Franklin’s distraction to run (I guess she doesn’t know she could just rescind his invitation and then refuse to look him in the eye again), so Franklin catches her at the door. He also bites her because now she’s screaming and freaked out instead of into it.
Next day, Tara’s tied and taped to the toilet in Franklin’s motel room. At night, Franklin returns with a bouquet for Tara, crazying about how much he missed her and ripping off a new length of duct tape, which he uses to secure the flowers between her hands. I was going to hate him for being gross and kidnapping Tara, who cannot catch a break, but now I sort of love how insane he is. I’m fascinated! Anyway, they go on a road trip to Russell’s mansion, where Talbot is not at all excited to see them, but where Franklin insists that he wait for Russell. Yup, Russell’s the one who sent Franklin to Bon Temps. Hilariously, Tara’s still got the flowers taped to her hands. Can’t wait ‘til Bill gets home to see this. Love it when all the disparate plots start to collide.
The Long Con
Sam finds his hick family living in a van in his parking lot. They’re homeless but promise to move on once Tommy gets back. Melinda believes that Tommy was merely acting out due to their dire financial situation, and how stupid is Sam? How does he not realize that Melinda is the brains behind this operation? Her eyebrows are too shapely for her to be up to anything but no good. Sam sniffs Tommy out and give him some clothes, lamenting that he had no role model when he was Tommy’s age, and it lead to some pretty poor choices (like banging a maenad and stealing her money, one would assume). Sam therefore offers Tommy a job tending bar and a chance to get away from their parents, but Tommy counters that, as horrible as they are, they’d be dead in a week without him. Failing to see the downside. Sam, however, is an idiot, so he will give the Mickens a place to stay until they get back on their feet and give Tommy that job. All they have to do is stop drinking (Joe Lee) and stealing (Tommy). Dude, how can you not see that this is the long con? This is going to end so poorly.
On the plus side, Sam hires Jessica as a hostess (yay!), but she’ll never be able to move up to waitress because she’ll never be 18 and thus legally allowed to serve alcohol. This was funny in practice but makes less and less sense the more I think about it. I know she’s physically frozen in time, but has her age been legally frozen? She’ll still have been around for 18 years (or will be, at some future point) even if she isn’t alive. Unfortunately, Chip from Bible Study rolls up and recognizes her, so Jessica has to glamour him (yay!), which Hoyt sees and mistakes for flirting/moving on (boo!).
In other news:
It's the Eric and Lafayette show!!
I would watch the s**t out of that show! Love that their banter has made me forget about that whole pesky torture in the basement incident.