True Blood: Resurrection FAIL |
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| Written by April Yorke |
| Wednesday, 17 August 2011 15:26 |
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Silver is Not like a Band-Aid Jessica’s all ready to bust open the doors and die very slowly and painfully out in the sun (remember, the younger a vamp is, the slower s/he burns). Fortunately, Jason’s there to jump her, boot the doors shut, and wrap darling Jessica in Bill’s zebra rug. Heh. Bill’s redecoration has not gotten old for me. Did he hire someone? I mean, surely to do all the work, but did he hire someone to help him with the colour palette and all that? My favourite thing about Bill is what Bill gets up to when we’re not looking, e.g., buying a Wii and Fresca, and that hasn’t changed over four seasons. It’s just icing that Bill is hot all the time now. ANYway, my viewing companion and I have a debate about how Jason could have overpowered Jessica. I think it’s the werepanther in him, though the silver and the bleeds would have weakened her some as well. Jessie realizes that Jason’s stopped her, rolls on top of him, and prepares to suck the life out of him in retaliation. Jason’s hollering his fool head off the entire time. For some reason, the spell breaks/weakens (we see Martonia start to hit the floor from her airborne position), so Jessica is herself before she sinks her fangs in. Excitedly, she thanks Jason for saving her and gives him a quick peck. Embarrassed, she covers her mouth, but, Jason’s into it, so they make out a bit. And, as much as I love Hoyt (and boy, do I), more, please! Down in the prison, Bill’s been crying his eyes out, thinking he’s lost his progeny. Not to be rude, Bill, but it apparently hurts a lot more than that. So he’s pretty excited when Jason comes down with Jessica in his arms. He sidesteps Bucky’s rapidly cooling corpse and the accumulating pool of sticky blood. Bill, his charm somewhat diminished by being covered in blood and silvered to a cot, remarks that perhaps, in his capacity as a law enforcement officer, Jason could overlook the obvious murder just to his left. Jason, in turn, suggests that Bill get his guard to forget about Jason shooting him in the shoulder (!). Aw, guys, don’t front. You’ve been cool ever since that hug. Jason and Jessica make moony-eyes over a silvering for long enough that even Bill catches the snap and gets over it. Does Jason mind skeddadling, giving them a chance to sleep? Jason does not. Bill’s entire militia, which has finally showed up, does, though. Meanwhile, night has fallen, allowing Sookie to unsilver Eric. She’s already removed everything but the thick chains around his neck, which he is encouraging her to do fast like a band-aid. Sookie thinks she’ll rip off bits of him, too, if she goes for that route, but he insists that it’s the best way. So she does, leaving behind a huge, gaping, bleeding wound as wide as his entire neck. Good morning! Eric tries to shake it off, but he’s clearly fucked up. Sookie offers to fetch him a TruBlood. “That wouldn’t work,” Eric replies, providing definitive proof to anyone who doubted that the whole synthetic blood thing was just a sham. Eric’s, of course, starving, given that he hasn’t eaten since Claudette, but he’s against going out and chowing down on the first human he sees. Geez, like he’d have a hard time finding volunteers. Sookie decides to amp up their crazy accelerated relationship, offering her own blood. Eric is completely into this, except for the part where it might kill Sookie. He tells her to hang onto some silver. She wraps one of the (remarkably clean) chains around her fist like it’s brass knuckles, and he’s in for a back alley beatdown. Sometimes I just love Anna Paquin so much. Even so, Eric must try not to kill her. Eric swears he would never betray her, and Sookie wryly comments that she’s going to hold him to that as she pulls her hair aside. At first, Eric nuzzles her neck, breathing in her scent. Just when it gets to the point where she starts thinking that maybe he won’t after all, Eric sinks his fangs in. Like always, Sookie looks like it hurts, then like it’s all very sexy. Eric pulls himself back, a note of pride in his ability not to kill his lover, then covers his mouth. Instead of being embarrassed about his fangs this time (which, btw, are covered in blood, making them yellowed, decayed, and nasty. Blood never washes), he punctures his palm and holds it out to Sookie. There’s a hilarious moment where Sookie tries to refuse, all, “Nah, I’m good. High on life,” but Eric insists that “the bond must be completed” with a crazed gleam in his eye. He looks fucking nuts, you guys. Sookie relents, taking his giant palm in her hands and drinking. At first, it’s perfunctory, but pretty soon she’s writhing and Eric’s moaning like he’s getting the best blow job in the history of blow jobs. I wince, remembering Sookie fellating Bill’s arm way back in “The First Taste,” but it turns out Bill didn’t make crazed O-faces like Eric is here. To each his own. Eric and Sookie are naked again, hoping in the shower, although both are no longer covered in blood. They get distracted, stroking each other’s naked bodies a while (who wouldn’t, in the same situation?). When Sookie turns the tap, snow comes out of the showerhead. Oh, they are both so stoned right now. Pretty soon the tub is filling with snow, and they are outside on a sunny, snowy day, a heavy wooden bed covered in furs waiting for them to start having sex and never stop. All . . . right. Except they do, at some point, stop, so they can talk about their feelings. Hey, did you know that Eric will get his memory back one of these days, and that will cause a dramatic shift in their relationship? Oh, you did? Carry on then. I do worry, however, that there is some seriously bad Angel/Angelus stuff coming their way when Eric’s memory returns. That which Angelus hates most is what makes him feel most human. The bed’s back in Gran’s room when we see them next. Eric’s of the mindset that they should run, so they can be together and happy. Sookie, however, has never been one to run from a fight, so she is adamant that they cast their allegiance with Bill. Eric kind of doesn’t get it, not out of disloyalty, but because being with Sookie is the most important thing in his life. Sookie, however, thinks that’s wrong. Hinting once again that Eric’s memory is returning just fine on its own, Eric tells Sookie that there is no right and wrong. “Only survival or death,” I finish, though Spectral Godric is nowhere in sight. He’s there in spirit, I’m sure. Poor Sookie has to vamp up: right and wrong are real concepts, forever is not, and they owe Bill. Eric is a warrior, and it’s time he acted like one. Jessica comes home to find Hoyt sitting around his underclothes, drinking and apparently stinking. She tells him she’s moving out. Hoyt has a complete mother-loving breakdown, crying, attempting to barricade the door, apologizing for calling her blood shit,* offering to drink it on the regular if she wants. (*That’s the tip off, in case the very idea that Hoyt doesn’t bathe wasn’t enough). Finally, Hoyt whines that he’ll die without Jessica, so she grants his wish. She slams his head into shelf and trips outside to a waiting Jason, blood spattered all over her face. Blood never washes. Jason tells her that she looks sexy all covered in blood and furthers that he wants to have sex and get bitten right there in his truck. Jessica jumps him, and we cut to . . . Jessica waking up in her cot, fangs out. What was the point of telling us, explicitly, that vampires don’t dream because they are essentially dead when they are asleep if you are just going to throw that idea out the window when it’s narratively convenient, show? Piss off with your (rewarding to this viewer) obsession with Season 1 and your inability to commit to its rules. So, yeah, it was a dream (sigh). A lady who looks like Lea Thompson shows up in a white bathrobe to offer Jessica a free-run source of fresh blood. Jessica bites. Back at home, Hoyt is, of course, clothed and groomed and sober and hot. Also pissed. He’s really worked up a head full of steam, and, when Jessica starts with the “I love you but”s, he’s practically spitting with anger. Jessica lays out the totally reasonable arguments that they moved too quickly into their first real relationship, and, anyway, she might not be cut out for this kind of monogamy as a vampire/person. Hoyt . . . unleashes a torrent of hate that I’d rather not recap. Next! Okay, he says some reasonable things, some just-because-he’s-hurting things, and some nasty shit that I can’t believe I am hearing from Hoyt Fortenberry. Among the latter include calling Jessica a vamper and saying that his momma was right. Ho, boy. Jessica’s crying and Hoyt’s doing everything he can not to, but the fight hits its nadir when Hoyt rescinds Jessica’s invitation from their house. Harsh, Hoyt. Jessica sobs on the porch while Hoyt crashes about inside, smashing groceries and furniture, yelling about how you can’t trust vampires. Speaking of his momma, Andy and the once-again on duty Jason are examining the Maxine Fortenberry’s heretofore thought human neighbour’s charred remains. Didn’t anyone notice that she was never once seen during the day? I don’t buy it. Also, did Bill order his militia to stand down? I guess so. Anyway, there’s no sign it was a suicide, but no sign it was foul-play either. Jason pokes the juicy bits still left behind with his baton, then wipes it clean on his shirt. Well, some things never change. Andy, meanwhile, has gotten down on all fours and started sniffing the last bits of blood hungrily. Jason successfully pulls him out of the trance, but not before Andy can get into a good whine about people’s expectations and how he can’t meet them. Jason, however, tuned out and shortly thereafter takes off. Uh, good job, officer? Maxine’s trying to snap a few pics because that’s just how gross she can be, when Andy reminds her that it’s an active crime scene. He makes the mistake of being polite and following his training, calling her “ma’am.” Maxine gets huffy, “Don’t you ‘ma’am’ me, Andy Bellefleur! I taught you in Vacation Bible School!” Yes, VBS is a lifelong bond that even the heights of Sheriff’s office cannot break. Andy’s had enough and blows. Which explains the news crew stomping all over the place. Bill, in his fab silver suit, must have gotten wind because he rolls up in a chauffeured SUV (truck?, I don’t know, it’s one of those big, dark, government issued vehicles you always see in movies and TV). Maxine calls him “Vampire Bill” (I love that the people of Bon Temps are still calling him that after all this time), but she can’t help doing so coquettishly because Bill is HOT. Maxine asks if Vampire Bill knew the deceased, and Bill honestly goes, “’Cause we all know each other?” I’m so delighted by the line that I kicked my viewing companion in glee. The best part is that they so do! She lived in Bon Temps, LA, and Bill is King of Louisiana, so he did! Or else she didn’t report herself properly and therefore brought this on herself. Hee! Nonethless, Maxine is chastened into shutting up (Bill is a gift to the world), so Bill goes on about how vampire suicides are more common than you might think, given all the negative media attention they receive causing loads of self-loathing. Reporter Lady wants Bill to repeat that on camera, and Bill’s like, “Actually, I’ve got a statement.” Instead of agreeing and cutting it in the edit, Reporter Lady tries to refuse the entirety of the statement, so Bill glamours her into it. You know what? I think Bill might just like being a vampire these days. Self-loathing always have been a big part of his character, we’ve never seen him revel in using his vamp powers like this before. It’s . . . kind of part of his hotness, to be honest. One of the things that always made vamps like Eric and Pam so awesome was how awesome they think being a vampire is. So much better than . . . what were their names . . . those ridiculous vamps with their over-styled coffins who wanted Bill to join their coven back in S1. Over at Moon Goddess Emporium, Martonia is watching Bill deliver this address, furiously jabbing at the remote upon learning that one single vampire died instead of hundreds. Tara is somewhat surprised to learn that Martonia’s bent is genocide, not protection, but she signs back on pretty quickly. Honestly, Tara, you have even less of a point than Martonia. You’re constantly yelling about the danger of vampires, but only one hurt you, and now he’s DEAD. Deal with your shit on your own time! On this show’s corollary, we call you Vanessa Abrams. Just sit with that. So Martonia’s crazying about how vampires laugh at life (grrr, Happy Meals with legs, argh), they have to get all of them, etc. Here’s a thought for you, witchy-poo: maybe you should have busted out the big guns before they tied you to that stake. What was the point of all your power if you weren’t going to use it? The phone rings, Tara answers, and Bill’s a little surprised but moves on pretty quickly. In addition to invoking Russell Edginton every episode, I guess everyone’s got to say Antonia’s name in full with varying degrees of success. I’ll stick with Martonia, thank you very much. Anyway, Bill wants to speak to her, and there’s a funny bit of business where Tara goes to hand Martonia the phone, thinks the better of it, and places it on speaker phone in the cradle. Bill’s like, “Hey, sorry about all the rape and murder back in the day. Truce?” Martonia starts another of her yelling fits about Marnie being “molested [buh?] and bitten” when she was just trying to practice her religion, and Bill’s hilariously like, “Right, sorry about the Eric of it all. I thought he was more badass than that.” Same, Billers. Same. So anyway, Luis is dead, so is that vamp neighbour lady. Are they even now? Martonia agrees to a meet in the Bon Temps cemetery at midnight. Wow, you are both so stupid. Compton Plantation. Bill’s just coming down the stairs in his vampire business jacket when he finds Eric and Sookie waiting in the living room. Eric’s still wearing plaid (did they go shopping? Did Alcide donate to the Naked Puppy cause?); Sookie’s wearing an army green jacket with a collar so staid I start giggling at the sight of it. They’re enlisting. Bill’s like, “Are you aware that one of you is crazy? And I’m not sure which?” Now that Eric’s heard about his warrior’s heart, he’s decided that Sookie has one, too (true), so there they are. Pledging their allegiance. Eric to “my liege;” Sookie to “my . . . Bill.” Even Bill has to smirk at that one. And Now a Werewolf Interlude So That It Will Make Sense When They Factor Into This Vampire Business Later Marcus, who is apparently not named Raul like I thought, is holding another pack meeting/hoe down. His sources tell him that something big is brewing between witches and vampires. Witches might dumb enough to take on vampires, but his pack is not. Some dude who exists just to make a point immediately claims that he could take on a vamp or at least put up a good fight. Marcus looks at the idiot like he’s delusional. Alcide and Debbie are at the back, both looking so pretty and clean and happy that disaster is surely right around the corner. Later that night, Idiot attacks some other member of the pack for some reason or another. To make a point, no doubt. Marcus and Alcide break it up. Idiot yells at Alcide to let him go, and Alcide replies, “Not until you let go of that anger,” because he can Al-Anon with the best of them. I guess Idiot does since Alcide releases him from the strangle hold. Privately, Alcide tells Marcus that he’s very glad to hear that they’re staying far away from vampires. Marcus, in turn, tells Alcide that the pack could use someone like him (an extremely hot man? Yup, they sure could), and there is an opportunity to move up. Oh. Alcide isn’t into that political side of things, but Marcus makes sure to leave the carrot dangling anyway. And, btw, the witch-vampire thing is going down tonight. Who is his source? Who, who, who? Bill himself? Debbie pulls Alcide aside and starts once again starts prattling on about the importance of the pack to her. Neither Alcide nor I can see where this is going. Oh, here we go. Sookie = vampires, which means that Alcide should stay away from Sookie. Even Alcide can’t argue that vamps are just part of Sookie’s baggage. He sighs and apparently agrees to cut ties with Sookie now and forever with no explanation or warning. I’m sure that will be easy! Thus Endeth the Werewolf Interlude Bon Temps Cemetery. Martonia rolls not alone but with Tara. That’s fine. Bill’s got Eric and Sookie. Sookie gets a little moment to register Tara’s betrayal, if you can call it that, before Bill and Martonia admit that they are really, really not alone. Pam comes zooming up, as Martonia makes the rest of her coven appear from the dark (one’s holding a silver tray). Bill’s all ready to offer peace and even protection in exchange for restoring Eric and Pam. Martonia’s seemingly going along with it until Sookie reads her mind, hears her chanting, and yells that it’s a trap. Martonia takes one look at Sookie and screams, “DEMONESS!” I hate to interrupt in the middle of the action, but what is going on here? It’s not the first indication this episode that Antonia is/was a Christian, or at least uses such pretext when convenient, but are you really expecting me to believe that Antonia is 1) a Christian, 2) a witch, 3) totally okay with Marnie’s pagan religious practice, and 4) irrationally afraid/jealous of Sookie’s power? Maybe she did a spell to make herself a mind reader, Martonia! Make some damn sense! Eric runs over and rips the heart out of . . . someone on Marnie’s side. He holds it up, blood running all over his hand and down his arm, dripping down, down, down, pride beaming on his face. Boy, is he new. Obvs these peace talks are not going well. Bill’s remaining sheriffs voom up as Martonia flicks a bunch of medieval warriors into view. Okay. She also blows out what is the most ridiculous looking fog. So everyone’s running around trying to kill everyone in the fog, which is going about as well as you would think. Vamps have super senses, you morons! Some dude tries to get Sookie, who points out that she isn’t a vampire, then throws him away with her glow hand. “Thank you,” she whispers at her hand. Pam -- who really is looking much better-- jumps Tara, but Bill tells Pam not to harm Tara. “That is so. Fucking. LAME!” Pam spits (truth, Pam), but she leaves anyway. Tara actually asks Bill why he saved her, and even Bill has the presence of mind to say, “Why do you think?” For pity’s sake, Tara. Northman-Stackhouse Shack. Alcide runs up and starts banging on Sookie’s door, yelling at her about the trouble a-comin’. Soon enough, he notices the foggy commotion and takes off running. From out behind the house, a wolf appears. Oh, poor Debbie. And I was just liking her pretty face so much these days! Bon Temps Cemetery. Sookie gets shot. There’s no lead up or warning. She takes a bullet to the gut and stumbles, sliding down against a head stone. Bill and Eric’s heads snap up simultaneously. Eric’s is covered in grue from whatever human he was chowing down on. The medieval warriors use Bill’s distraction to silver him in the face with a large Celtic (?) cross, while Eric runs into Martonia. Ruh-roh. She does the same devil hands trick she did with Luis, and Eric falls to his knees (his head still comes up considerably high on Martonia’s body, you can imagine). Then, Martonia does the strangest thing. This giant is kneeling before her, blood everywhere (blood never wahes), and she reaches out and . . . pets Eric. I know I’ve been calling him Puppy Eric, but this is too much. Eric is going to kill you so bad when he comes back to himself. Meanwhile, Sookie tries to get up and falls down almost instantly. Arms reach down and scoop her up. They’re Alcide’s. He carries her away while Wolf Debbie shifts into Human Debbie. She stands there, naked and shivering, her make up a mess and a familiar crazed look in her eyes. In other news:
Next time: Bill’s trying and failing to feed an unconscious Sookie his blood.
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I’d share with the extent of my disappointment with the last couple episodes of True Blood, but, since my 32 day-old computer died, I can’t really. Suffice it to say that I put a hell of lot of effort into “I Wish I Was The Moon” and none into “Cold Grey Light of Dawn” since it was largely about people feeling their feelings. Last night’s episode, “Spellbound,” got a bit more into the action, though some of it still felt like wheel-spinning and contrivance for contrivance’s sake. Still, Hot Bill, Eric and Sookie getting stoned, and Martonia getting a pet aren’t so bad. Lafayette getting possessed and thus further drawn into that damnable baby plotline? Not so much. Where’s Jesus when you need him?
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