Vampire Diaries Will Write You a Great Eulogy
|Written by April Yorke|
|Thursday, 05 May 2011 13:06|
Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Last Day,” proved two things: Damon is love’s bitch, and there’s little anyone can do to stop Klaus. Not that I think Elena is going to die (I’ve watched TV before, babies), but there’s no telling what the exact outcome will be. Also, the CW Rochester STILL has flippin’ sound problems during VD broadcasts. Get it together, network.
Magic Elixir Does the Body Good
The ep opens with shirtless Damon, and one of my viewing companions opines that all eps should start this way. Downstairs in front of Eternal Fireplace, Elijah is recapping the truth about the curse for Stefan and now Damon. Damon’s all about power player Bonnie, but Elena – natch – is still tweaking about her best girl dying. Damon: “I'll write her a great eulogy.” I can only imagine! “In the months since I tried to rip Bonnie’s throat out, we developed a steamy sexual chemistry that forced us to no longer share the screen because the writers weren’t pushing a dirty, dirty vamp-witchy romance. I sure as hell thought about it, but it didn’t happen. Anyway, turns out she was cool beans. Now she’s dead. See ya, Bon-Bon! Have fun with other Bitches of Eastwick serving nature in the great beyond!”
Peep this: Elena will die in the sacrifice. Oh, you knew that? Because it comes up every episode? Hilariously, Damon and particularly Stefan look increasingly freaked out to be reminded of that little fact. But they needn’t worry. Elijah’s going them one better on the witch front by dropping a magic elixir into the mix. Say what? Elijah’s been hanging on to the Jesus Juice those 15th century witches cooked up, and he’s got it right here in this dusty jar for Elena to drink down come the full moon. Elena’s like, “Cool, thanks,” but Damon has. HAD. IT! He has a mother-effing flip, shouting about how they can’t trust Elijah and they don’t even know if the Jesus Juice is going to do it, and why can’t she wear the ring to double her odds, etc.? Actually, I want an answer to that last one, too, since I’ve only been harping about it all season. Oh, remember when Bonnie told Jer that the ring wouldn’t protect her because she’s a supernatural being? Turns out that the Petrova doppelganger is one, too. Alright. A little late in coming, but alright.
Stefan and Damon blah blah about trust or something until Alaric is greeted by the business end of Jenna’s crossbow. Go, Jenna! Of course, we know it’s our man Alaric, but still. Alaric makes allusion to a time that Jeremy walked in on he and Jenna getting biblical, so everyone knows Alaric is no longer Klaus. But why did Klaus let Alaric live? Why, to tell them that the sacrifice happens tonight. He’s a human save the date card.
Damon stomps back upstairs to his room to be pissy, and Elena follows because it’s apparently important to her that Damon understands her decision. I think it’s more important that he grudgingly accept it lest he screw it up, but Elena’s got different feelings about the situation than I do. Girl should have listened to me: Damon’s ripped open his wrist and forced his blood down Elena’s throat, so she’ll come back as a vamp. My other viewing companion and I have a little Supernatural flashback and quick giggle. My actual notes from this moment: “Oh, fuck, Damon, don't do that. That's just so cruel; Elena doesn't want what you want. Oh, Stefan is going to kill him.” Indeed, Stefan charges up there and rips Damon away from Elena, but it’s too late. Stefan looks wounded when he asks, “How could you of all people take that choice away from her?” Damn nice callback! Too bad it ends with Damon staking Stefan in the stomach. At the end of this, Elena looks like she could kill Damon. I don’t blame her.
Up in Stefan’s room, Alaric the Vampire Doctor sends Nurse Maid Jenna for blood bags, stat! Jenna’s getting into the swing of things pretty quickly. Why move the patient, though? Just ‘cause Damon sucks? Fair enough. Stefan’s revived, so Alaric and Jenna scoot. Alaric should have known that Jenna could handle the supernatural sitch while Jenna is glad that Alaric is back. They kiss. This heart-warming reunion is brought to you by Ironic Foreshadowing. Ironic Foreshadowing: When you absolutely, positively need to know that things are going to suck.
If This is a Meadow Scene, I Will Yak
Stefan suggests a romantic last day (title!) for him and Elena, as she’ll either be dead or transitioning in a matter of hours. Off they go for a hike in the woods, and he had better not take her to a damn meadow is all I’m sayin’. At one point, near the base of what I’m going to assume are some Mystic Falls, Elena suggest that he vamp-jump them to the top, and he’s hilariously all, “Use your legs, puny human!” Stefan wonders if they are going to talk about “this,” but Elena opts for a vampire Q&A instead. Stef doesn’t quite give her the rundown that he gave his little vamp sis, but he does tell Elena about how every emotion is amplified. It’s great when you’re up, as you’re in ecstasy, but, when you’re down, it’s sorrow. That’s why so many vamps turn their feelings off. Elena thinks Stefan turned his feelings back on because he learned to control the mood swings, so he has to deliver more bad news: it’s a constant struggle. Given Caroline’s mocking of his “Tuesday face,” all that hard work is paying off. When they finally get to the top of the falls and watch a sunset over the valley, Elena knows she has to deal with the hard stuff. Elena asks Stefan why they never talked about turning her, and Stefan admits that he would never have asked Elena to be a vamp because he knows she wouldn't agree. That’s . . . that’s some heavy shit right there. I should probably have more eloquent words for it, but I don’t. Stefan tells Elena Damon acted out of love, but Elena thinks that isn't love. I agree with both of them. I don’t think there’s a better word than love to express the strength of Damon’s feeling, but he doesn’t love Elena the way that Stefan and Elena love each other. It’s too selfish. He’s working on that altruism thing, but he’s not there yet. In a very nice moment from Nina Dobrev, Elena cries about how a lifetime of choices has been taken away from her. She doesn't want to be a vampire. She never did, and that's awesome about her. Stefan has nothing to offer but teary eyes and loving arms. Hey, I’d take it.
Why Stop at Screwing Up a Little?
After Stefan and Elena blow, Elijah decides to give it to Damon straight, “You talk a good game, but you don't actually know anything.” That’s so true! After this curse business is done, Elijah should stick around and teach Damon a thing or two about being a vampire. Damon would love that! Right now, though, Damon would prefer to wallow in drink at the Mystic Grill about how Elena will never forgive him this time. Yes, Damon, this time it’s for real. Unlike the 80 other times she’d never forgive you. That’s pretty much BFF Alaric’s sentiment when he appears over Damon’s shoulder (AW!). Klaus interrupts Alaric and Damon's drinking and pity party. He cautions Damon not to do anything he’ll regret, and Damon has to giggle at that one. Damon does, however, try a little of the ol’, “Now that you’ve got your doppelganger, what’s one month?” shtick, but Klaus isn’t going for it. He does, however, let them know that he’s got all his puzzle pieces. After Klaus leaves, Damon wonders if Elena will forgive him if he gets that postponement after all (so the vamp blood will be all gone, in case that wasn’t clear), and Alaric is sage: “I think you'll be dead, and it won't matter.” Damon: “Are you going to help me or what?” Alaric: “What do you want me to do?” BEST FRIENDS!
Back at Alaric’s Katherine-occupied apartment, Katherine drinks and snipes about how she’s going to drink him down when he comes in. Alaric, however, is only there long enough to invite Damon in. He skitters off to parts unknown for the rest of the episode. Damon wants intel from Katherine, claiming she owes him for the vervain, and you know what? Katherine is a survivor first. As such, she simply can’t be trusted. Sure enough, Katherine tries to talk Damon out of delaying the ritual, mostly because it could lead to getting out of there, so Damon drops it like it’s on: “Imagine how fun that would be, competing with Elena for Stefan's love forever?” Kat’s not into that, so she tells Damon that Klaus is keeping his ritual necessary vamp and wolf down in the tomb.
Sidebar: Tyler came back because the bitches of eastwick put his mom in the hospital, where they grabbed Care, Tyler, and stupid ass Jules. Also, Tyler left because he though Caroline hated him, but Caroline doesn’t.
Damon tries to break into the tomb, gets witched for his troubles, and MATT shoots the witch through the chest! I think they are wood bullets since Damon also snaps man-witch’s neck. Right, Matt has concerns that not vampires are all necessarily evil, so he’s staking out the situation. He might be okay with vamp-Caroline after all. Damon regards Matt, then offers, “You're lucky I already screwed up once today, or you'd be dead.” He grabs the gun and knocks Matt out with the butt. Damon to the rescue! At first, Damon’s only planning to swipe Caroline, but, since she won’t leave Tyler, Damon lets Tyler live. Aw, he's being a good big brother. Out in the woods, it’s too late to get transitioning Tyler anywhere safe, so Damon has Caroline and Matt lock themselves in Ye Olde Lockwood Historical Founder’s Wolf Dungeon while Damon deals with Ty. And by deals with, I mean gets bitten by. Oops.
Always Have a Back Up
Back at Eternal Fireplace in his little red sports car (aw, I love Stefan in that car), Klaus is there to pick Elena up. For the first time, Stefan falters. He eventually lets Elena go. Her I love you and the beats before his where he considers everything he wants to say are heartbreaking. Finally, Elena kisses Stefan and says, “Close your eyes,” because she’s trying to give the viewing audience hardcore Buffy flashbacks. Both season two! The hair is right! Not going to cry! Elena and Klaus are gone when Stefan opens his eyes. He looks bereft.
Inside, Stefan calls Damon to let him know that Elena is gone. Wow, Damon has royally effed this one up. He immediately busts up in Klaus’s grill, but Elena isn’t at Alaric’s. His tough guy posturing gets deflated pretty quickly when Klaus 1) calls him “the crazy impulsive vampire in love with his brother's girl,” 2) shows him a live feed to where he’s keeping Jules (yes! Die, Jules!), and 3) explains, “When you spend a 1000 years trying to break a curse, you learn a thing or two. First rule: always have a back up.” It’s not a particularly well turned phrase, but I agree with the sentiment. Just when we get to thinking that Damon is going to be the ritual vamp, Klaus crashes into Damon, and we cut to black. When Damon comes to, he’s alone with Katherine. Damon wants to know why he’s not good enough to get sacrificed, but Katherine points out that it’s because of the bite. I bet that magic elixir sounds pretty good right now, doesn’t it, Damon? Anyway, Klaus is using “her.”
And just who is the her in question? Let’s see. As everyone heads down to Ritual Clearing, Elena informs Greta that the Good Doctor and Luka were trying to find a way to rescue her. Greta’s like, “They needn’t have bothered.” Oh, snap! Girl wants to be with Klaus. Elena finds Jenna lying prone on the ground. Turns out she’s transitioning. OH SNAP! They vampired her for the ritual! Another vampire lover for Alaric! Magic elixir for everyone! Man, I dig this show.
In other news:
Tonight: Klaus gets his sacrifice on, John is pissed, and people go flying about.