Portrait of the Artist as a Young Porn Fiend

Remember those movies from your childhood? People living in space, robot butlers, clones, flying cars, even flying skateboards. Not only were they entertaining, they seemed to promise something. The future looked bright. 

Today, however, I’m not in orbit, cars not only don’t fly, they still run mostly on gasoline, and our version of an evil computer is one that can’t hold a charge.  

It seems that, apart from genetic engineering, our main focus has been building bigger TVs and smaller iPods. Have we found a cure for cancer? Absolutely not. But have you played Grand Theft Auto IV? It’s fucking awesome! 

In my lifetime, it seems like three things have gotten infinitely better: video games, fantasy sports and Internet pornography. Yes, sweet, sweet pornography. The reason I brought you all here today. 

Just like women remember their first kiss, men can recall, in vivid detail, their first brush (or shall I say “rub”) with pornography. I was 12. I was horny. And I discovered the mother lode in my dad’s closet: magazines, videos, even Beta tapes.   

Shortly after that, we got the Internet. And for you kids today, let me tell you something. That’s like going from a flint to a blowtorch. Or it should’ve been. I’m from a small town and was forced to search for my porn on dial-up Internet. Only the most dedicated individuals could accomplish this feat, and I’m proud to say I was one of them. 

Then came university. Who had the time or energy to pick up girls when there was cable Internet piped right into my room? And it wasn’t only me. A Colombian foreign exchange student practically exchanged nuptials with my computer in sophomore year.  

Even then, just to find a quality 30-second video, you had to put in the time. Google didn’t exist, and it seemed like for every free site, there were 50 pay ones. Not to mention the constant pop-ups that barraged my computer, the threat of viruses and the slow download times. It was tough out there, but we men survived.  

And boy, are we glad we did! Because the future is here, gentlemen. Not that I have to tell you that. 

YouPorn, RedTube, PornHub, Tube8, the list is endless. It seems like every time I mention one of these streaming video porn sites to a guy, he not only thanks me, but also gives me two or three of his own favourites.  

While Facebook has created new and exciting ways to stay in touch with friends, XTube has created new and exciting ways to touch yourself.   

Basically, these sites are like YouTube except with porn. Lots of it. Categorized, updated daily and completely free with no threat of viruses. It’s like tossing a condom on your hard drive. 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. The women who have somehow read this far are saying, “This guy’s a total perv,” while the men, well, they’re already surfing those porn sites I just gave out. Damn it, I knew I should’ve saved those until the end.  

But now that we’re alone, let me have a word with you ladies. I’m sure even those of you who don’t let your significant others go to strip clubs are not naïve enough to think your man doesn’t surf porn. The question is, how much?  

Well, here are a few pointers. If he pays for it, he’s either a pervert or really appreciates quality. There is absolutely no need to pay for Internet porn anymore. I assume the perverts who do would also consider picking up a hooker, and those other guys probably enjoy it with a vintage bottle of wine or something. 

Secondly, start dropping some male porn star names around the house and see if they blink. Every guy has a stable of special ladies, but if he knows anyone other than Ron Jeremy, Peter North and, perhaps, Rocco Siffredi, then you’ve got a problem.  

Does he touch himself every time he watches it? Through an informal polling process, I came up with a ratio. Sadly, it’s 1:1. We can’t help ourselves. We’re like those monkeys at the zoo.  

And these streaming video sites are only going to make it worse (and by worse, I mean better). Having so many sick fetishes available at the click of a button can’t be good (yes it can).   

On a recent episode of South Park (the funniest, most incisive show on television), the world’s Internet supply runs out, leaving Stan’s father, Randy, with no way of taking care of himself. As he says on the show, “You don’t understand, I need the Internet to jack off. I got used to being able to see anything at the click of a button, you know? Once you get used to Japanese girls puking in each others’ mouths, you can’t exactly go back to Playboy.” 

So, desensitization is clearly one side effect of this porn utopia. It also doesn’t help your job performance. A 57-year-old Japanese bureaucrat was recently suspended from his job for visiting porn sites. Apparently, the man spent up to three hours a day on the websites, almost every day for eight months. Which raises the question, what do you have to do to get fired? 

Porn also has consequences for children who look at it. According to the journal Cyber Psychology & Behavior, males between the age of 12 and 17 who regularly view Internet porn have sexual relations at an earlier stage in their lives than those who don’t.  

So, if you’re a parent, you might want to monitor your child’s Internet use. And if you’re a young male, you might want to start doubling your porn intake. You heard what the study said. It’ll help you get laid.  

Then, there’s that other study. You might have heard about it. The one that said the average keyboard was five times dirtier than a toilet seat. And that one was performed on office keyboards. I think you all know what I’m getting at here. 

If you share a computer with your boyfriend, be sure to clean it regularly, if not every time you log on.   

Other than that, I say we all just sit back and enjoy the fruits of these fatherless girls’ labour. You might have missed the free love of the ‘60s and ‘70s, but today is Porno Woodstock, and everyone is invited.  

The future is bright indeed.

© 2008 Steve Dominey; licensee (Cult)ure Magazine.
This is an Open Access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0), which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original work is properly cited.

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