Rethinking the Bedside Bible |
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| Written by Roxy Munro |
| Monday, 04 May 2009 19:00 |
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The other day I walked past the latest issue of Cosmopolitan and I couldn’t help but cringe. It has been a while since I’ve read a Cosmo, and an even longer while since I’ve purchased one. I have a theory (and I’m not alone) that the “women’s magazine” is actually anti-women for a number of reasons. Cosmo fills its pages with faux female empowerment. It’s all about “You go, Girl!”, but here’s how to look hotter, dress better, get skinnier, and blow his mind in bed/turn him on/make him want you. If you’re a lesbian, or if you identity as anything other than a straight girl, this is probably not the magazine for you. While Cosmo boasts about being the mag for “Fun, Fearless, Females” (or FFFs), flipping through their pages regularly will show that their idea of a woman is your conventionally beautiful, middle class, white, heterosexual woman. Consequently, what gets written about sex is both sexist and heterosexist, excluding a variety of women’s sexual desires and reducing the sex advice geared to assumed heterosexual women to (mostly) guy-focussed pleasuring.
And that’s a shame. What started out as a general interest magazine in the 1800s turned into a magazine for “young, sexy, single chicks” in the 1960s thanks to Helen Gurly Brown. At the time, Cosmo was known for pushing the envelope. I can see why; the simple idea that a woman could be independent was pretty shocking back then. Cosmo may think they’re pushing the envelope when it comes to talking about women and sex, but, in reality, the envelope has grown significantly in size since the 60s, and they’re barely nudging it. Unfortunately, Cosmopolitan has become known in mainstream pop culture as the go-to guide on sex for (hetero) women. As the FFF-prototype Elle Woods (Legally Blonde) calls it, Cosmo is “the bible.” With almost 3 million (paid) readers in the But like their fake feminist message, Cosmo’s sex advice is nothing more than vanilla sex tips geared towards a male partner’s pleasure (usually, your boyfriend’s – subtlety sending the message the sex should take place in the context of a pre-marital relationship). Scores of women devotedly turn to Cosmo’s pages or website, buying into the promise that Cosmo, as the supposed sexual know-it-all, can help them “be a sex genius” and have “naughty sex.”
While I have to give Cosmo kudos for trying to normalize a ‘girl talk’ version of (straight) sex, the sexual how-tos and advice that is frequently imparted is limited and sometimes even judgmental of anything that sways from their understanding of ‘normal’ sexual relations. I quit reading Cosmo entirely because I was so annoyed by their narrow view of “hot sex”. The first time anal play was ever suggested to me during a bedroom romp, I immediately brushed it off. There I was, a sexual vixen, confident that I knew all there was to know about steamy sex because I was a Cosmo Girl. I knew how to turn a guy on/drive him wild/make him crazy in bed and let me tell you, anything anal was never suggested by Cosmo in any issue that I ever read, so I didn’t associate the idea with something that could be hot or pleasurable for the both of us. Same thing goes for threesomes (with any combination of genders), which I find surprising. In Threeways: Fulfill Your Ultimate Fantasy, author and sexpert Diana Cage asserts that threesomes are “one of the most common fantasies out there.” Every month, the cover of Cosmo brags about having a secret guide to the hottest sex of your life, yet threesomes are rarely, if ever, mentioned as a possibility for hot sex. How can it be that a magazine that touts itself as being the place to turn for great sex advice almost never considers a widespread fantasy? Recently, I conducted a search on Cosmo’s website for the term “threesome” to see what would come up. The search generated nine results under the Articles tab, none of which discussed threesomes as a sex act worth adding to the mix. Four of the results were questions in an advice column, two of which were about the woman fantasizing or suggesting having a threesome with their male partner and another woman. In response to one of these questions, the advice-giver concludes that “Chances are, you’re better off keeping these desires in the fantasy realm rather than taking the chance of ruining a relationship.”
How can Cosmo promise to turn you into a sex goddess if their advice columnist calls you a bonehead for exercising a little imagination? Speaking of imagination, this is a key area where Cosmo could improve. Being more sex positive and more inclusive of various sexual desires would make the magazine even sexier. Their sex features routinely include titles like, “Cosmo’s 20 Favorite Sex Tips Ever”, “Cosmo’s Most Creative Sex Positions Ever”, and “Hot Sex Trends Worth Trying”, yet, when it comes down to it, they are all lacking creativity. It’s a given that all articles are about hetero sex between a man and woman because, apparently, there’s no other kind. The focus of these articles and the others like them is overwhelmingly on the traditional penis-vagina insertion sex (P/V sex for short) with the exception of some mentions of oral sex (mostly on him) or finger/hand-genital stimulation. Sex toys are talked about on occasion, too. From what I’ve seen, however, sex toys are always talked about as things to be used by either a guy on a girl, or by a girl on herself. The great thing about sex toys is that they can be used by/on girls and guys alike. Girls can use them on girls, and girls can use them on guys – talk about maximizing your pleasure! These variations never seem to get talked about in Cosmo. Again, there isn’t anything intrinsically wrong with talking about P/V sex or any of the aforementioned; they can all feel amazing. But a magazine that’s regarded to be “the bible” for sex among a substantial number of women is, intentionally or not, reducing the wide range of ways we can be sexual to, basically, one way (understandably, the type of sex that fits society’s heteronormative structure).
They can also send the message that there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex, either. The famous feminist academic, Dr. Shere Hite has documented how “we are constantly being reminded of sex in one way or another and subtly coerced into doing it: ‘Why aren’t you doing it? Everybody else is doing it! Get on the bandwagon! You’re missing all the fun if you don’t!’ (And you’re probably neurotic and mentally unhealthy).” Cosmo fits the bill in this sense. If they care to make women feel good about themselves then along with sending messages about how to have great sex, there should be a complementary acknowledgement that you’re not a freak if you’re just not into it for whatever reason. All in all, there’s no doubt that Cosmo can be helpful. Some people may not know where to start to get an understanding of what type of sex positions exist and may crave a fairly discreet and easily accessible source for ideas and tips. But Cosmo is not the be all and end all. If anyone wants non-judgmental, inclusive sex advice, you just have to know where to look. The Internet is convenient because you can get access to progressive, sex positive magazines, blogs and websites, and you can see different sex in action by watching any of the endless amounts of porn. If you’re willing to venture out of the house, your city might have an education-oriented sex shop (like Ottawa’s Venus Envy, or Toronto’s Come As You Are or Good for Her) offering a selection of books to buy, videos to buy or rent, and even workshops to attend (not to mention the fine selection of toys and apparatuses). If you really want to “be a sex genius” and have “naughty sex,” then look beyond this month’s Cosmo and learn how you can really get creative. Happy sex-ing. Suggested The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving by Betty Dodson Box Lunch: The Layperson’s Guide to Cunnilingus by Diana Cage The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio by Violet Blue Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men and Women by Jack Morin Sensuous Magic: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Pat Califia For more information: Benjamin, J. How Cosmo Changed the World: The fascinating story of the magazine you know, love, and can't live without. Cosmopolitan Magazine: www.cosmopolitan.com Cosmopolitan Media Kit: www.cosmomediakit.com Cage, D. (2006). Threeways: Fulfill Your Ultimate Fantasy. Hite, S. (2006). The Shere Hite Reader: New and Selected Writings on Sex, Globalization, and Private Life.
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Comments (3)
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I was in the grocery store a couple of days ago and the latest Cosmo caught my eye. Of course, there was the promise of the "BEST SEX EVER" on the cover (or something to that effect). I had to take a look while i waited in line. sure enough, the article was exactly as i expected it to be... see for yourself
More Helen Gurly Brown
Looks like she's got a new biography out: http://www.slate.com/id/2217892/
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That was a good article! Thanks for pointing that out. |
Cosmo
Don’t get me wrong, having frank sex tips (diagrams sometimes included) as accessible as a grocery store is a good thing. There’s also nothing inherently wrong with advice that focuses on pleasing a man. After all, if you are sexually involved with a man, you probably want to rock his world. But you also want to please yourself. And if you are looking to excite yourself and your partner(s) with something new and hot, you might benefit from knowing more than just how to lick his bits or “ride him like a cowgirl.” 
In response to another question, the advice-giver bluntly states, “no offense, but that was a bone-head move.” When the woman disclosed that she suggested a threesome after her former-virgin male partner worried out loud that since he might be curious about what it would be like to have sex with other women, he’d end up cheating. Mr. Advice, however, doesn’t even acknowledge for a second that the woman might actually want to try a threesome. Maybe it’s just me, but I think a thorough sex positive answer would not start off by insulting the person doing the asking.
A magazine can’t be everything for everyone, but if Cosmo truly wants to be
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