Spring Fever

Illustration by Adrian Steeves

We’ve always assumed the “Spring Fever” affect had something to do with the extra skin being flaunted. But apparently, there is an actual scientific reason behind it. In the winter, when there is less light, our bodies produce melatonin to regulate our sleep/wake cycle. With the increased light in the spring, our bodies produce less of this hormone, resulting in extra energy.

At the same time, levels of another hormone – serotonin – rise, resulting in “increased giddiness.” (And yes, that is the scientific term). The hormonal surge also increases sperm count in men, and everyone’s sex drives shift into high gear.

The ironic twist to all of this sexual energy is that people actually have less sex in the warmer months. Scientists are still baffled as to why, but we think we’ve solved this enigma.

This whole sudden burst of hormones may create a lot of energy, but it doesn’t come with a strategy. So all of these horny, directionless young men ogle, cat call, and occasionally grope every girl that walks their way. And we girls usually get too annoyed to want to talk to any of you.

Dude, seriously. When was the last time any of these strategies worked? Or at least, when was the last time they worked that didn’t result in an STD?

But never fear: we are here to help. Womankind everywhere would like to see the catcalling stopped, and, maybe this way, everyone could get laid a little more often. So here are our strategies on how to use the hot weather to your advantage and strike up a conversation in two common summertime scenarios.

Scenario #1: At the Patio

This is probably the simplest scenario to make work. Similar techniques can be employed at outdoor concerts, backyard barbeques, or weddings. Girls in bars expect to get hit on every once in a while. But what will set you apart is that you’re going to be nice about it. Generally, we don’t expect that.

There’s basically only one step to this process: be polite.

If luck is on your side, there will be an opening there for you. If you see a group of girls looking for an extra chair, bring one over from your table. If you’re waiting in line and her cell dies, offer her yours. And don’t forget to tell her your name. If she seems responsive, try to strike up a conversation. And… there you have it.

Illustration by Adrian Steeves

Now, we understand that damsels in distress are lacking in this modern, post-feminist era. If you don’t have the opportunity to do something big, start small. Open a door, move your chair out of the way, let her go first at the bar. Smile, and check for a response. If you think she noticed, go in for a second shot. Try to engineer a reason to walk by her table. Or go back up to the bar the next time you see her heading there. Smile, make eye contact, and say hello. But leave it there.

The third time’s the charm. So, if she’s been responsive the first two times, get a little bolder. “Accidentally” bump into her again. Clearly, at this point, the jig is up. It’s time to come clean, give the girl your name and try to strike up a little conversation. And here’s what will seal the deal: don’t talk about yourself. Ask about her.

Making this work is all about reading the signals. Check to see how long she holds eye contact or if she blushes. Checking you out or pointing you out to her friends are also usually good signs. Do not, we repeat, do not, use a cheesy line, nothing about “angels” or “astronaut pants.” You would be shocked how often this happens.

You don’t need to be particularly funny or handsome or smart for this to work. Those guys usually blow it by moving in too quickly, or regaling us with 15-hour stories about how they could’ve been in the NHL. We know this sounds far too simple, but it really is true; the sad state of modern dating is such that being polite and looking at our faces rather than our breasts is pretty much all it takes.

Scenario #2: At the Park

This strategy works equally well at the beach. Basically, bring along a simple game that requires more players than you have friends. Good examples would include Frisbee or bocce. Remember that women often wear impractical footwear in summertime, so don’t chose something that requires too much running or physical exertion. Bring out the game, and scope out a group of girls to round out your numbers.

Now, choose your delegation carefully. The dude with the biggest biceps is not always the best choice for this job. Choose someone who is attractive yet approachable and non-threatening, and send the funny guy over as his wingman. Be polite, and remember to introduce yourselves. Explain how much you really want to play bocce/Frisbee/croquet/whatever. If they don’t know how to play, explain that it is super easy and fun!

Illustration by Adrian Steeves

Don’t oversell it; keep everything casual. At this point, focus on making friends, not picking up. Don’t offer them food or beverages until after the game. As women, we tend to be very wary of the free booze offer. Most of us over the age of 20 have figured out that there is usually a catch.

Our second tip on making this work is to not just hone in on the girl you’re interested in. Talk to all of her friends. Make sure everyone is having a good time. This will make you appear to be a nice guy.

Yeah, we know it’s a little obvious, but the way to make it not cheesy is to be genuine about it. For the most part, when we’re single, we’re looking for excuses to talk to you, too. And we know that the summer days are drifting away. Better make use of those long, summer nights before they’re gone.

© 2008 Julie St. Cyr and Sarah Pendlebury, Illustrations by Adrian Steeves; licensee (Cult)ure Magazine. This is an Open Access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0), which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original work is properly cited.

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