When Seeking Sexual Well-being, “Normal” isn’t Needed |
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| Written by Roxy Munro |
| Thursday, 09 July 2009 00:00 |
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We have all had questions about sex at one point in our lives. Regardless of our age, gender choice, or sexual desires, questions will inevitably brew in our minds about sex because -- let's face it -- we're all curious about something related to sex and sexuality. According to Charlie Glickman, the Director of Education at the Center for Sex & Culture and the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations sex shop in San Francisco, there are two main types of sex-related questions. First, there are the technique- or skills-related questions: the "How do I...?" As you may have noticed, a lucrative market exists for providing answers to these questions. There is no shortage of videos, books, and magazines telling you how to have "better sex," achieve "Mind-blowing Orgasm," or "How to be Kinky," for example.
The Myth of Normal is one of the overarching reasons why sex negativity (that is, the idea that sexual pleasure is inherently bad) still persists in our rather sex-saturated culture. The implications are both subtle and serious, arguably resulting in many people never fully exploring and/or enjoying their body and sexuality. The Myth of Normal may affect different people in different ways. As I've identified as a woman with a vulva my whole life, I know from first-hand experience how the Myth of Normal can have a differential impact on women, particularly when it comes to discovering our bodies and how we can derive sexual pleasure from them. Debunking the Myth of Normal At the beginning of his sex positivity workshop, Glickman had participants define sexual well-being. Naturally, this was a two-step process. First, we had to define "sex," and then we had to define "well-being." Perhaps many different words and ideas are coming to your mind as you ponder both terms. At the workshop, we filled several flip-chart papers with different ideas of what "sex" meant to us and how we perceived well-being. For sex, I threw out some of my personal favourites to be added to the list: blowjobs, masturbation and phone sex (I'm addicted to my BlackBerry for more than just my email). Countless other acts were written down, as were interpretations of well-being, such as: happiness; positive outlook; confidence; feeling comfortable in one's own skin; and so on. This brainstorming session helped us understand the philosophy of sex positivity in a tangible way. Sexual well-being is at the core of sex positivity. A sex positive (AKA sex-friendly) society is one that promotes and celebrates the attainment of sexual well-being, recognizing that sexual well-being is extremely diverse. Nonetheless, I'm not suggesting that anything goes. As Glickman says, when interpreting sexual well-being, the very necessary conditions of consent and choice must always be present.
"Deviant" might sound a bit harsh and a bit old-world, but consider this - the Criminal Code of Canada currently states that persons under the age of 18 cannot have anal sex unless they are legally married. For people over 18, anal sex is legal only when it is practiced privately between two consenting adults. What kind of message does this send? As liberal as I may hope attitudes are getting among my generation, the existence of such blatant sex discrimination shows how sex negativity is entrenched in our society. When we criminalize sexual activity and sexual pleasure, we reinforce outdated cultural norms based on this idea that there is a "normal" kind of sex. What about those of us who are polyamourous? We live in a society that has institutionalized relationships based on two-person partnerships. It seems that everything relationship-related is aimed at couples, from date night offers at restaurants to Valentine's Day cards to everything we watch on TV - how many polyamourous (not polygamous) relationships can you think of? Friends and colleagues may never be able to grasp life as a poly, thinking of it, instead, as "promiscuity," as if having multiple lovers is inherently sinful. Monogamy or polyamoury - in my view, one is not better than the other. There needs to be greater acceptance of the variety of ways people can and do form intimate relationships. I could go on. The Effects One problem the Myth of Normal creates is the privileging of one group over another. The two aforementioned examples can illustrate how monogamous heterosexual relationships are privileged, while anything that deviates from that can be seen as wrong, in some way. Health and safety information is another area of concern. When people question their sexual normality, they might not be so inclined to seek the information they need to keep themselves safe. The Globe and Mail recently reported on a study about teen sex that found "fear of judgment" was the largest barrier preventing teens from going to a sexual health clinic. The Myth of Normal factors into why people would fear judgment in accessing sexual health resources. After all, if it weren't for the Myth of Normal's influence over how sex is generally viewed, there wouldn't really be any standards for sexual behaviour and feelings by which to judge people. Fear of judgment leads people to feel shame and guilt about perfectly healthy natural desires that they may have. It's almost like a vicious circle - this internalization of shame and guilt can lead people to avoid accessing health and safety info and the fear of judgment they may face when going to access such valuable information can further compound their existing shame and guilt. Subsequently, not obtaining health and safety info can have serious consequences like sexually transmitted infections. A Woman's Perspective As a woman, I have felt the impact of the Myth of Normal and seen the effects on women friends and clients that I have worked with in a sexual health service provider setting. The notion of normal sex comes from and influences how we learn about our female anatomy. This can prohibit us from maximizing sexual pleasure across the lifespan. When it comes to our vulva and the female sexual response, writer Cara Kulwicki makes an interesting point: mainstream sexual health education (and, by extension, probably most sexual education offered by parents) can "give a scientifically accurate and even practical description of birth control, condom use, vaginal intercourse, and other sex education staples without ever acknowledging the clitoris's existence. And the same holds true for female orgasm." With a penis, it's different. Think about it. A penis is in plain view - there's no hiding what it is and what it does. When discussing pregnancy and heterosexual intercourse, there's no way around discussing a penile orgasm. There's no avoiding the subject of erections, either. For that reason, most young men will have to learn about masturbation at some point. Not so, for women.
Unfortunately, given the mainstream way of teaching about sex and women's bodies, too often women reach adulthood without knowing what or where their clitoris is and what they can do with it. Moreover, young women who discover this pleasure zone before ever being made aware of it can internalize shame/guilt for doing something that they perceive might as wrong. They may feel too afraid, shy, or embarrassed to ask questions. This type of internalized shame can have long-lasting effects. Seeking Some Sex-Friendliness The Myth of Normal can affect all types of people in unique ways. No matter who is affected, it's pretty clear that our sexual well-being can be negatively influenced. Sexual well-being is important to our overall state of well-being. Learning to think in a sex-positive way and raising the consciousness of others in this regard, whether through day-to-day conversations or sexuality education, can serve to disable the Myth of Normal, potentially leading us to a sex-friendlier society. References: Glickman, C. (2000). The Language of Sex Positivity. Hite, S. (2006). The Shere Hite Reader: New and Selected Writings on Sex, Globalization, and Private Life. Toronto, ON: Publishers Group Canada. Kulwicki, C. (2008). Real Sex Education. In J. Friedman and J. Valenti (Eds.) Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape, Berkeley: Seal Press, pp. 305-312. Globe and Mail, June 4, 2009: Teens want to learn about healthy sex, not just sexual health.
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Comments (2)
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Roxy - you make a lot of excellent points. Women do get the shaft (pardon the pun) when it comes to explaining female orgasms. I'll never forget when a good friend of mine complained to me that she could never get an orgasm from sex with her long time boyfriend. The first question I asked her was "Have you ever had an orgasm on your own?" When she sheepishly replied "no" I told her to work on that first before expecting anyone else to give her one.
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Thanks for the positive feedback, Libby Libido |
Second, sex-related questions also often fall under the "Is this normal?" category. Whether the question is referring to the person doing the asking or their partner(s), the notion that there is some kind of benchmark of "normal" for sex is quite widespread in our society. The question of normality and, more specifically, the "Myth of Normal" is something that Glickman explored in a Sex Positivity workshop here in Ottawa with a group of sexual health service providers and other interested advocates of sex positivity, like yours truly.
One major obstacle standing in the way of people attaining sexual well-being, however, is this Myth of Normal. Whether we realize it or not, the Myth of Normal is something we have been socialized to believe. Put simply, it is the idea that certain sexual activities are "normal." If you know me at all, you would know that a pet peeve of mine is the assumption that penis-vagina intercourse is "normal" sex (it's no coincidence that it's also procreative sex). As someone who has worked in sexual health education, I can't tell you how many times a person would refer to sex and when I asked them to specify what kind, they would reply "the normal kind" in reference to P/V intercourse. According to this view, if one kind of sex is the normal kind, other forms of sex would then be . . . deviant?
As Kulwicki goes on to say, "When only coitus is discussed through education about pregnancy and STD prevention, women are left yet again with the impression that they are supposed to primarily derive pleasure from penetration." Many women do get pleasure from penetration, of course, whether they're straight, lesbian or bisexual. Still, the fact remains that most women only reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation that usually happens without any penetration whatsoever.
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