Last night’s episode of True Blood, “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues,” despite the 18A warning at the beginning and a few “holy shit!” moments, wasn’t exactly the stuff of wonders. Pieces were getting moved around for pay off later. Lots of shirtless Bill but not in a good way, teeny dash of naked Alcide but not until the very end, continuously sweatered Eric. On the other hand, I did offer to marry that sea foam cashmere sweater, so make of that what you will. Engagements, escapes, and at least one vampire goes splat. Actually, maybe this episode was better than I thought.

Mississippi

Russell and his goons are dragging Bill and Sookie into Nutt’s Folly (Alcide and Cooter are mysteriously absent) and the music is dramatic as fuck and then Eric, Talbot, and Lorena roll in, and that’s when all hell breaks loose. Bill breaks off a table leg and stakes the melted face vamp from last week and jumps on Russell’s shoulders to stake him (Bill’s a monkey?), but Russell shrugs him off. Just shrugs and sends Bill flying into the ceiling. “I’m 3000 years old!” he yells, as if a vamp of less than 200 years could stake him. Talbot’s having a meltdown over their ruined home (I’ll admit that a Bill-shaped crater in my ceiling would put me off, too), so Russell tasks Eric with keeping an eye on Sookie and Lorena with killing the treasonous Bill while he tends to his lover. Bill and Sookie are begging Eric to help Sookie, and Eric decides to put his revenge first. He laughs in their faces, all “Ha-ha, help the human!” Sookie is surely of interest to his Queen, he admits, but humans are beneath him. Also, men are his thing, just FYI. I love that Eric can flirt just by towering over someone. Lorena, meanwhile, looks like someone slapped her at the mere sight of Sookie (why, why can’t she ever be free of this waitress?) and stricken to have to take Bill to the “slave quarters.” Lorena and Sookie get into it over Bill. Lorena: “Without that sanctimonious little prick Godric to save you, I would just love to rip you open and wear your ribcage as a hat.” Let me tell you how insane that line is: 1) Lorena watched Buffy and took her imagery, “wear your ribcage has a hat,” from our little slayer and 2) Eric has no reaction to the categorization of Godric as a “sanctimonious little prick.” He must be really hell bent on vengeance because otherwise that’s a stakable offence, right?

Eric carts Sookie off to Russell’s study, even clamping a hand over her mouth when she won’t shut up (heh). Sookie’s throwing everything Eric’s been saying in the last few episodes (essentially:  Look at me, I can fly! Be my new Godric, for I am lonely!) back in his face as lies, and Eric’s like, “Stop babbling at me, crazy human,” because Sookie may have forgotten that vamps have super hearing, but Eric’s still smarting from that lesson at the Queen’s last finale. I kind of wish he would write her a note, even if it’s a lie, then toss it in the fire, but maybe he wouldn’t be able to get away with even that. At any rate, Russell comes in just as Sookie’s like, “I will never forgive you for this, Eric Northman,” and of course it’s a cheated out soap opera set up, so it’s Eric’s turn to look like he just got slapped with his back to Russell and Sookie. Eric’s off to chill with Talbot, while Russell and Sookie interrogate each other to the tune of Sookie is superpowered but doesn’t know to what extent or how it works exactly (she conveniently leaves out that she can’t be glamoured), Lorena will kill Bill, and Russell is the Vampire King of Mississippi. I can’t believe I forgot that Sookie doesn’t know anything about vampire politics beyond the sheriffs and the existence of the Magister. Man, is she behind.

Just when I worry that we are watching an episode free of Tara and Franklin 4EVA, we cut to Tara still tied up on her bed. Apparently agreeing to be someone’s vampire bride isn’t enough of a reason to lighten up on the bondage. Franklin comes in wearing a pyjama set that I own, and Tara’s all, “Where were you?” and Franklin’s all, “Don’t police me, woman,” and right away I get worried that this is the last we’ll see of Franklin because he is not as adorably crazy as usual. Pretty soon he’s on the right track, though, complaining that Tara didn’t even notice that he shaved and generally jumping around and being excited about how they are going to get married tomorrow. Tara’s alternating smiling and shuddering lest we forget that she’s not really into this plan, and she convinces him to untie her for her pre-marriage plan of drinking his blood, having sex, and then possibly having sex while he turns her. She lost me on the last part, but the point is she wants his blood for the super strength it will give her to escape. Also, her plan is completely “fucked up,” so Franklin, natch, is completely turned on by the idea of Tara biting him. She does, and it is gruesome. We watch her rip open the flesh, blood spurting everywhere and skin hanging and Franklin’s strangely long snagglefangs descending and no wonder this episode is 18A. Later, they are cuddling while Franklin explains that Tara’s really going to like being a vampire, all her pain will go away, and, if I were Tara, I would have half a mind to give vampirism a go. It’s not like life is working out all that well for her. For her part, Tara thinks really loudly at Sookie, who’s crying in what looks like Bill’s old room with its debris from the Bill/Cooter fight ever so quickly cleaned up and window mysteriously gone, to be ready come daylight, as Tara is busting them out of there.

Out in the slave quarters, Bill’s shirtless and silvered to the ground, and Lorena’s got an absolutely huge table of torture implements at her disposal. Unfortunately, Lorena wants to torture Bill and the audience with her words, blah blah blah, Bill brought this on himself, blah blah blah Bill doesn’t love her, blah. Bill, for his part, laments that he never had the opportunity to know Lorena before she was made, back when there must have been light in her eyes instead of darkness. It’s actually pretty sad because I don’t think Bill is just saying it to eff with her. He seems to genuinely believe that Lorena might have been likeable, even lovable, before she became so twisted. Lorena, however, sees this as an opening to commence with the torture, which is just as well. When we come back the next morning, Bill’s lying in a puddle of his own blood and Lorena’s covered in it, too, all over her pretty white top and in huge tears running all over her face. Bill encourages her to go to ground, but Lorena says that she’s going to stay there until the end. Also, apparently Lorena’s maker used her to lure men, whom he would violate in unspeakable ways after he drained them. Bill’s kind of relieved to die because at least then he doesn’t have to be part of their bloodline/completely fucked up family dynamic. I’m thrown by how they are awake and chatting since last season it was all, “The bleeds have begun” and general drowsiness, but it’s not like we would be able to tell if they were bleeding from that anyway.

Tara wakes up and heads over to the big wall o’ weapons that it apparently in their room. She grabs a mace (grab the axe, we try to tell her) and bludgeons the shit out of Franklin’s head. 18A, indeed. She’s covered in blood with little bits of skull and brain matter flying up into her hair. I hold out hope that her failure to completely remove Franklin’s head from his body means that he will regenerate even if she did leave him a pulpy mess. Anyway, Tara rolls up to Sookie’s door with a huge bowl of almonds, claiming that Talbot wants Sookie on an all almond diet to make her blood nutty or some such (love that Tara got a read on Talbot so quickly). Clueless attempted-rapist werewolf from Lou Pine’s lets Tara in, and then Tara and Sookie beat the crap out of him before taking off. Sookie wants to go to the slave quarters and rescue Bill even though Tara points out that covered-in-blood Bill wouldn’t help her, but Sookie’s like, “He was coerced!” which is sort of true, and they take off in different directions.

Over at those slave quarters, Lorena lets Cooter and Debbie beat on and drink from Bill because what does she care anyway. Sookie’s hiding when they leave, grossing at each other about how in love they are, how great V is, how Cooter is going to steal Debbie anything she wants from Forever Young, which I imagine is like Forever 21. For a half a second I think I might like these crazy kids. But then Cooter grossly yells after Debbie that he owns her ass, and I nod my head when Sookie pronounces them trash. Outside, a white wolf corners Tara, but it shifts into Alcide, who wants to help save Sookie. Inside, Sookie manages to rouse Bill and even gets a “Sook-eh” out of him when Lorena grabs her, decides she is tired of this bitch, and sinks her fangs into Sookie’s neck while she screams. I’m still trying to figure out how Sookie planned to get Bill out of there in the broad daylight.

Our Dear Queen

Russell interrupts Eric flirting with Talbot to take Eric on a limo ride. Talbot never gets to go anywhere. Eric and Russell are flirting it up in the car, Russell going on and on about how they are the master race (“Preaching to the choir!” Eric claims, hilariously), werewolves can be used for political gain, and sometimes he likes to kill off political leaders in the hopes that it will destabilize the humans. Oh, that explains it. Anyway, Eric’s like, “Great fun! Fangtasia’s this way!” because Pam’s still in the Magister’s clutches, but Russell wants to make a stop first.

Sophie Anne’s on the pool deck in a fabulous white suit, scratching lottery tickets because that’s totally going to solve the problem. She wins $100 and wants someone to go pick up another 100 tickets, but unfortunately Russell’s either killed or coerced her guards into taking his side. He’s got a single red rose and reiterates her proposal. How many times does she have to say no? Russell’s offer is pretty good, though: he’ll never touch her, and he’ll pay all her debt. He threatens her with knowledge of her V-selling scheme. When she says that she pinned that on Eric Northman, the self same vampire walks in, blood all over his mouth and beautiful sweater. He throws Sophie Anne down exactly as she did to him last season. Confirming that he is older and therefore stronger, he pledges his allegiance to Russell and threatens to toss Sophie Anne’s head in the pool if she doesn’t acquiesce to the proposal. Cornered, she agrees, so Eric carries her off to secure her for the day while Sophie Anne calls out for Hadley. Pam better still be alive after all this.

Bon Temps

Bon Temps is still pretty boring, so let’s deal with this in point form.

• The Mickens’ big secret isn’t bad touch but dog fights which makes less sense the more you think about it. Also, Melinda is a million times worse than you imagine because Joe Lee first abused her (by using her in the fights) and then set her up to pass along the message to Tommy that abuse is love. Also also, for some reason they think that the dog fights are the only way to make money. Sam figures it out too late, but he’s off to try to stop the madness.
• Lafayette and Jesus, world wanderer (Montreal! Go, Canada!), are hitting it off until the Hot Shot hicks come looking for trouble, and Jesus finds out that Lafayette is kind of violent and definitely a drug dealer who specializes in V.
• Arlene cuts her finger and freaks when Jessica pops fang.
• Jessica successfully takes care of a problem customer (in her curlers, like pull yourself together, lady) and manages to snack on her without killing her. I think Jessica just might win Arlene over yet.
• Crystal bales on getting it on with Jason down by the riverbed when she senses something in the woods. The next day, he takes her some flowers while she pretends not to know him for her fiancé’s benefit. Pissed, Jason spots QB One (for real, his vanity license plate) getting it on in the parking lot at Merlotte’s, and threatens what’s-his-face that soon-to-be-a-cop Jason will be keeping an eye on him.
• Jason wore his lettermen’s jacket, which was embarrassing.
• His plot also had a lot of weird POV shots that I hope director Michael Lehmann has no intention of repeating.
• No Hoyt or Terry this week.