Last night’s True Blood season finale, “Evil Is Going On,” was on the boring side. Sure, I looked at the clock at 9:42 and thought, “What else is going to happen?”, but there were a lot of cheated out “drama” moments that were scary to exactly no one except maybe Steve Newlin. On the other hand, Godric!

Spectral Godric Suggests You Forgive and Forget

Eric and Russell have switched into sunbathing positions on the Fangtasia parking lot, and it’s the usual “I can’t believe you are still this upset about your dad” stuff. Blah blah looking for goats for my wolves, blah blah too big for his britches cakes. Godric appears to Eric, glowing and robed in white and generally being awesome like you know Godric should be, and tells him to forgive Russell. It’s worth noting that Godric speaks to Eric in Swedish while Eric replies in English. Divorcing his past? At any rate, Eric’s not in the forgiving mood, so Godric tells him that Russell will find peace in death. “NOOOO!” Eric bellows into the credits.

When we get back from doing bad things to each other, Spectral Sookie is running through the Bon Temps cemetery. Everyone who writes about this show should have a “Sookie runs through the Bon Temps cemetery” macro. Anyway, she’s in flowing white and there’s a fairy chandelier/mothership coming for her, which turns into Bill’s face when Sookie returns to the land of the living. Darn. Bill gets a slap for his troubles, and Sookie goes, “You betrayed me. Again!” Bill honestly replies, “I pretended to betray you, so I could save you. Again!” It is Bill’s tragedy that people forever doubt his motives. He is not that complex. There is “save Sook-eh” and “return to Sook-eh.” The former trumps the latter, and that’s it. That’s all there is to Bill. Anyway, Bill gets an even bigger metaphorical slap when Sookie goes running out to save Eric. Russell goads her into using her gift with his nasty talk, so she breaks their handcuffs and sends Russell flying into a fence before dragging Eric inside. Eric, naturally, is terribly unimpressed that she interrupted his revenge plot. Because Bill isn’t getting slapped around enough, Sookie also has him bite her arm, so she can bring Eric back to life. Something fishy happens when Bill rubs his blood over Sookie's wrist to heal it. It looks like the blood just smears. Anyway, Eric has Sookie drag Russell back inside before he dies (and the delicate way she picks up the silver chain to do so kills me dead), and the vamps go to ground while Sookie sits on Russell-watch. Eric also calls Alcide to come at nightfall with his van, and we’re supposed to be surprised about that later.

Sookie sits on Eric’s throne reading Star while Russell offers her the following: her life, Bill and Eric dead, $5 million, and Nutt’s Folly. For his troubles he gets colloidal silver in the face and Talbot’s remains dumped down Fangtasia’s garbage disposal while Sookie laughs manically. She has completely lost it. I wonder how long it took to do Russell’s extra crispy exterior.

Close to twilight, a van pulls up outside of Fangtasia. A pair of motorcycle boots descend. Russell tells Sookie it’s his wolves come to save him. Nope, just Alcide like we all figured out back when Eric called him. Thanks for trying! Alcide and Sookie sit down for a drink, and they finally, finally start to crackle like they always should have. Yes, Sookie, be done with vampires. Take up with werewolves! Anyway, Alcide’s like, “Thanks for not dying. Still got the hots for you,” and Sookie’s like, “I will be in a position to acknowledge that shortly after I stop going crazy every two seconds, so probably tomorrow.” Also, we learn that turning into a wolf is possibly uncontrollable during the full moon.

Eric emerges from his nap in one of Fangtasia’s upper management track suits, looking better than he has in a long time. A steady diet of blood and not staying up all day will do him well, just like when Bill was suddenly hot at the beginning of the season. I miss that. Anyway, Bill, Eric, and Alcide, now that Alcide and Bill are done eye fucking each other, are off to bury Russell in wet cement (Sookie’s going home after rescinding absolutely everyone’s invitation to her house). Russell’s already down a fang and will surely go crazier than he already is down there. Godric appears again, preaching forgiveness, and that’s when Eric starts yelling, “This is who I am! This what you made me!”, which is tough language indeed for poor spectral Godric. On the other hand, told you Eric was going crazy! Of course next year we’ll probably find out that that’s down to witchcraft, but I like Eric driven mad with grief over his vampire dad, so he tries to avenge his human dad (since, you know, Godric was responsible for Godric meeting the truth death). Bill’s standing there the entire time, dishing out lame, old tyme insults as only Bill can: You’re mad! You’re as mad as a  . . . hatter! Just camping it up for Eric’s benefit since he’s about to slap some silver on Eric’s wrist and toss him into his own cement pit. Bill, he just had two hefty doses of fairy. Is that really going to keep him down? Also, it sort of breaks my heart after the look on Eric's face when he thought they were going to shake hands. Remember when Eric showed up at the mall the time and asked Bill about his new haircut? Awesome both of the HoYay and the genuine warmth in the moment. While Bill’s at it, he calls up Reuben and, mimicking Eric’s voice because apparently he can do that now, orders a hit on Pam. Not Pam!

Sook’s had a shower and changed into one of her classic sundress/hairband combos, just desperate to return to the innocence she once possessed. I think the ship has sailed on that one, Sookie. Bill comes a-knockin’, and she invites him in. Bill tells her that he’s dealt with Eric and up next is anyone else who’s tasted Sookie or knows what she is, right up to the Queen. Bill suddenly chooses to develop some self-esteem, but it’s about the worst thing possible thanks to Sookie’s chat with Russell: Bill’s ability not to constantly kill vampire-crack Sookie. Also, Bill looks like hell. A sallow mess. He also needs to start taking better care of himself. Sookie’s like, “Thanks and see ya!” So that’s when a cement covered Eric blows open the door. Vampires can do that? If they can blow open doors and glamour their way inside, what’s the point of even having an invitation rule? Just to see Bill get metaphorically slapped around? That’s a pretty good reason. Anyway, Eric’s covered in cement and somehow working that look, so he goes, “Hey, did Bill tell you about how he was totally sent here by the Queen to procure you?” Hee! Bill’s like, “About that: didn’t know what you were at the time, found out, decided to protect you instead” (Bill’s default setting). Eric’s like, “Oh, and did he also tell you that he got the Rattrays to beat you nearly to death, so he could feed you his blood?” Wow. I knew Bill’s wooing of Sookie wasn’t on the up and up, but she was set up to fellate his arm? Quelle déception, Bill. Sookie’s like, “Get out of my house and my life,” which is fine, but she also says that Bill “manipulated” Sookie into falling in love with him and that is bullshit because the ponytail does not lie, Sookie. And your swinging ponytail way back in the pilot, Sookie? Was the swinging ponytail of a young girl in love. Anyway, Eric’s still out, too but not before he tells a crying Sookie that he regrets the pain this revelation has caused her even if she did have a right to know. And off he flies.

Later still, crying Sookie goes running through Bon Temps cemetery. She veers off the path to Bill’s house, though, and settles in front of Adele’s grave. She cries about her loneliness and how lost she feels. Claudine appears, along with several other fairies, and she takes Sookie off to Fairyland in a white burst of light. Bye, Sookie! See you next year! Hope you’re super powerful then! In the meantime, Her Majesty and vampire business Bill (you can tell ‘cause he’s wearing his leather jacket) square off (Twilight-style, I kid you not. Growling and flying through the air and everything), while Pam pulled Eric out of the cement and killed Reuben, putting Eric down an assassin. Probably for the best.

It’s Easy to Reinvent Yourself When You’re Smart

Sam makes Tara hoecakes in bacon grease and tells her that he barks in his sleep because he’s a shapeshifter. He also tells her that running away and reinventing yourself if easier than you might think, particularly when you are as smart as Tara. Outside Merlotte’s, she remembers Eggs and Franklin dying all over the place. Tara has decided that she has had it with all this supernatural shit. The hoecakes remind her to check in on her momma, who is now schtupping Reverend Daniels. Tara starts to get all judgmental about 1) adultery and 2) her mom being completely delusional in thinking that the reverend will get divorced and she will be the next minister’s wife of Bon Temps Free Methodist or whatever, but then Tara resolves to take a deep breath and wish her mom luck. Lettie Mae needs a lot more than that, but it’s a good start.

Back at Stackhouse House, we spend a good long while with Tara staring in the mirror and holding a big pair of scissors, like Tara is going to kill herself. Nope, she’s just cutting her hair because she wants to start a new life. Yet another tension free moment! She does and comes downstairs in a pink Henley (another non-Tara indicator) to Sookie, who loves the new hair. They have dinner and love at each for a while, then Tara goes to Merlotte’s to “check on Lafayette,” by which she means stare and then drive away into her future. Bye, Tara! Good luck! See you next season!

In Other News:

• Maxine, Summer, and Hoyt’s drunken high school guidance counsellor stage an intervention re: Hoyt and Jessica that goes about as well as you think.
• Hoyt puts down a security deposit on an adorable little house and asks Jessica to move in with/marry him. They are very much in love.
• Maxine buys (shoplifts?) a rifle.
• Andy really did call the DEA and get them to raid Hot Shot but ends up feeling like a country bumpkin when The Man rolls into town, leaving him contemplating his own personal stash of V.
• Felton (who I did not recognize and further misheard his name as “Phil”) shoots Calvin and takes off from Hot Shot with the V and Crystal. Crystal puts Jason in charge of the town, finally giving Jason the chance to be a man like he’s always wanted. Yay!
• Terry cries out on his porch ‘cause he’s just so darn happy.
• Sam tracks down Tommy and his money and maybe shoots poor, illiterate Tommy to get it back. I’m guessing not since he needs to learn to balance Doormat Sam with Murderous Sam.
• Lafayette can now see into people’s secrets (Sam’s hands covered in blood, Arlene’s baby as René’s), which he initially thinks is his mom’s schizophrenia come to play but accepts as a supernatural ability when Jesus is like, “No, man, it happens! I’m a witch!”
• Steve Newlin’s rhetoric is embarrassingly poor compared to Nan Flanagan’s, but I bet you knew that.