American Gladiators: Combining Pro Wrestling with Religion for Beefed-up Ratings

In the late '90s, Vince McMahon's WWE RAW and Ted Turner's WCW Nitro waged a ratings war on Monday nights, combining to headlock over 10 million fans. Today, WCW is long gone and Monday Night Raw averages a paltry 3.5 million viewers. Which is not bad, considering the NHL hasn't had 3 million Americans tune into a game in 12 years, but still, pro wrestling appears to be dead. And it only has its own success to blame.

You see, while wrestling has essentially stayed the same, everything around it has become more like pro wrestling. Yes, McMahon's once-unique brand of sports entertainment has spread through TV Land faster than Michael Vick's herpes in a Kansas state penitentiary. Instead of covering the race to the White House, American cable news has decided to promote it like a monster truck rally. "Hillary vs. Obama, Debate IV. Monday, Monday, Monday!" Who needs Don King's crazy hair when you have Wolf Blitzer's impeccably groomed beard?

Then there's the NFL. 97.5 million viewers made this year's Super Bowl the second highest rated show of all time, behind the M*A*S*H finale. The league has clearly never been more popular, and it's all thanks to a tried and true wrestling formula: Good vs. Evil. (Actually, I guess the Bible invented that…Vince McMahon just perfected it.) Playing the part of the "Real American" Hulk Hogan, well, it's Brett Favre! Only, instead of Mean Gene to drool over him, he's got John Madden. As for villains, SportsCentre favourites Randy Moss and Terrell Owens are better on the mic than the NWO ever was. And Bill Belichick's such a heel, I keep expecting him to introduce Jimmy Hart as his next defensive coordinator.

So, while the XFL failed miserably, the NFL's version of it is doing just fine, thanks. Not to mention the UFC. The fights may be real, but everything from its Pay Per Views to its reality shows is pure McMahon. And while Jeff Probst hasn't faked his own death (which McMahon actually did last June), his show has more in common with wrestling than most would think. In the late 90s, wrestling became popular by taking something that was fake -- pro wrestling itself -- and combining it with something that was real: the ratings war and the resulting insider websites and radio shows that told you what was going on behind the scenes. Reality programs such as Survivor, The Hills and The Bachelor have simply inverted this formula, giving us seemingly real things (contestants) packaged inside a make-believe universe.

That's where NBC's new American Gladiators comes in. Real contestants, real gladiators and real competition essentially add up to one big, fake show. I'm not suggesting the original American Gladiators was governed by the International Olympic Committee, but it was at least as credible as the NBA. NBC's version of Gladiators, on the other hand, is complete fluff.

Well, not complete fluff. The actual events are great. Powerball, Pyramid and Joust, to name a few, always provide spirited battles between contestants and gladiators, sometimes even resulting in injury. The physicality is definitely dialed up a notch from the original, with the results seeming almost authentic. That's why it's disappointing the contestants are so artificial.

Let's hear it for Toni, the 45 year-old single mother. Or Siene, the girl who just lost 50 pounds. What about Monica, the suburban soccer mom? Yes, there's an inspirational character for every woman! Fat, old or bored, just pick your favourite.

And you better believe there's a New York Firefighter on the cast. His name's Anthony.

Perhaps it's Shenay, the youth counselor, who touches me the most. "I just want kids to know they can prevail against anything."

These aren't people. These are characters. Real or not. And in at least one case, fake altogether: Belinda Gavin, billed as a professional bull rider on the show but, in reality, a soft-core porn star. (Same job descriptions, but still…) Belinda's resume includes such classics as The Best Sex Ever, Bikini Airways and Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood, so why not bill her as a pornographer? I'll tell you why. For banter like this:

Host: "Belinda the Bull Rider, our gladiators haven't been able to buck you off all night. How's your rodeo experience going to help you ride the Eliminator to victory?"

Belinda: "I'm just going to put my head down like a bull and…"

"Charge." Yeah, we got it, thanks. I know there was a writers’ strike, but really...

So instead of real people, we get storylines. And other than the bull-riding porn star, these walking, talking storylines are usually uplifting and motivational. One of the contestants was even a youth minister with a message to America: "The thing I really want to teach is that Christianity is for everybody!" Yes, that's right. American Gladiators is now running on the same family values platform as Mike Huckabee.

Even America's favourite greased up old guy, Hulk Hogan, is kinder and gentler. Just listen to these actual excerpts from host Mary Hart. Err, I mean the Hulkster.

(WARNING: Only to be read while doing your best Hogan impersonation.)

"You never cease to amaze me, brother!"

"You're unbelievable, dude!"

"You can be my tag-team partner anytime, brother!"

Just like in the 80s, Hulk Hogan is once again the nicest person on TV. Luckily for us, though, he's just as infatuated with himself as ever.

"You need to start taking your vitamins and saying your prayers, brother."

"Listen here, my Gladiator Maniacs."

"It sounds like Evan Mania is running wild in this place."

"What are you going to do when Titan gets his big claws into you, brother?"

Hogan, however, isn't the only element of pro wrestling in American Gladiators. The cast is led by an enlarged Ken doll named "Titan," a fat Viking chick going by "Hellga," a black dude that looks like the third Williams sister, the "Wolf," who's constantly spouting unintentionally gay things like, "C'mon boy, I'm thirsty and your blood is going to be dripping from my fangs," and of course, Roger Clemens' hot, HGH-powered wife.

But while these gladiators look rough and tough, they always act with a measure of class that escapes a certain Patriot coach. You see, good sportsmanship is one of American Gladiators' ten commandments. And that's the problem with the program. It's too nice. By mixing McMahon's sports entertainment model with religion, NBC's made Gladiators more Rachael Ray than Martha Stewart.

It's like watching Ty Pennington give someone a house. Which people apparently like to do. Gladiators consistently averages over 10 million viewers, teaming up with Howie Mandel to win Monday nights for NBC. The network's even ordered a second instalment that'll air this summer prior to the Beijing Summer Olympics.

But ratings will eventually drop and soon enough, you just know Stephen Baldwin will be climbing the Pyramid in an all new Celebrity American Gladiators. Perhaps they'll even fall far enough that Vince McMahon could swoop in with a low-ball offer. Suddenly, Titan will be dishing out chair shots to contestants like Candy, the bisexual stripper, or Bill, the deadbeat dad. How does Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair in the Eliminator sound? Don't forget special guest referee Rowdy Roddy Piper.

It's going to be awesome, brother!

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