Do you think the world needs another puck bunny? Why yes, yes I do.

As a huge supporter of homegrown Canadian television (and an angry loner without any semblance of a social life), I decided to stay home Friday night and watch the series premiere of CBC’s new show, MVP: The Secret Lives of Hockey Wives. I figured, hey, so what if the CBC stole the premise of the series from the hit BBC show, Footballers Wive$? This sort of cultural cribbing is hardly a crime, judging from the current state of Canadian programming. Do you like Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? Well then, you’re in luck, because Global’s got Are You Smarter than a Canadian 5th Grader? Entertainment Tonight? Meet ET Canada! Then there’s Project Runway Canada, Canadian Idol, Kevin Newman’s Global News… the list of American TV clones goes on and on. MVP might not be original, but at least it doesn’t involve Rick the Temp slurping celebrities.

As the opening credits start to roll, the theme song plays, and its pleasantly catchy; a nice way to kick off the new series. We open at the mansion of “The Veteran”, and quickly find out: A) his wife looks like Rebecca De Mornay in her prime; B) he’s snorting more coke than Bob Probert in his prime; and C) his daughter, “The Princess”, is as hot as Wayne Gretzky’s in her prime (which is now). With the party in full swing, The Veteran suddenly falls over the banister, crashing to the floor. “For the love of god, somebody get a doctor!!!” 

Fade to commercial: It’s Peter Mansbridge, and I think I can detect a slight smirk in the corner of his mouth. Either he wasn’t a fan of The Veteran, or he has high hopes for the story he’s teasing: “And we check out a blog from beyond the grave… tonight on The National. Take that Kevin Newman!” (Okay, I added the last part.)

Back to MVP:  Tragically, The Veteran has died. His jersey is draped over a coffin, and the coach actually looks pleased about it. You see, by cashing in The Veteran’s insurance policy, the team now has enough money to sign The Rookie. (Let’s hope Paul Maurice isn’t watching this… Just to be safe, if I was Bryan McCabe or Jason Blake, I wouldn’t be standing too close to a stairwell anytime soon.)

Meanwhile, at the funeral, “The Lover” is giving the eyes to some random babe. And sure enough, he nails her. In fact, over the course of the premiere, he gets laid at least three times. (I immediately pictured TSN’s Pierre McGuire at home, shouting at his TV, “What a monster! This guy’s a monster in the bedroom!!!”)

Then it’s time for another commercial: a guy’s playing road hockey with neighbourhood kids when his mom calls him in for dinner. (Whoops, my mistake, I thought this was a Chunky Soup ad. Turns out it’s still the show. I swear, all that scene was missing was the “Mats, your mommy’s calling.”)

Anyway, you know the drill: The Rookie is from a small, simple town; he has a longtime girlfriend; and he’s about to be corrupted by the bright lights of the big city because he now plays for the fabled franchise, “The Toronto Mustangs.”  The Mustangs, much like their real world counterparts, suck, and have missed the playoffs for five straight years.  Their captain is “The Nice Guy”, who also happens to be the coach’s son. The Nice Guy quickly becomes enamored with a sweet elementary teacher named Connie, otherwise known as “The Virgin.” (Connie may be a virgin, but she’s certainly sucking the life out of this show.)

Luckily, a commercial for a new CBC movie based on the life of Canadian Olympic World Champion swimmer Victor Davis wakes me back up. (If it’s anything like “The Mark Tewksbury Story,” airing exclusively on OUTtv, the CBC has a hit on their hands.) 

Back to MVP: “The Widow” has just discovered her husband left her with nothing, so she’s forced to beg “The Owner” for money. When she asks about the insurance policy, he swiftly kicks her out of the press box. (Did I mention he’s her daughter’s godfather? How cold-hearted! Somehow, I still think Leafs fans would be more comfortable with this guy in charge.)

As the episode unfolds, The Lover continues to bang chicks at a Chamberlain-esque pace.  We learn that he has a sex tape collection larger than Rick Soloman’s; unfortunately, one girl spots his video camera and leaves with the tape. (Yet another reason for Leafs fans to be envious of the fictional Mustangs; unlike Jiri Tlusty’s, this sex tape involved a woman.)

The show ends with The Widow and The Princess moving out of their mansion, left to fend, or more likely, to fuck for themselves.

NEXT WEEK ON MVP:  Will The Lover’s sex tape come out, will The Princess sleep with The Rookie, and will the The Nice Guy stop finishing last and start finishing inside The Virgin? 

Whatever comes next, I’ll probably tune in. MVP is more polished than a lot of Canadian shows. The acting is solid and the story’s playfully over-the-top. (All it needs is Alan Thicke as a pervy dad. Sadly, another new CBC show, jPod, beat them to the punch on that one.) That’s not to say MVP’s cast couldn’t use some expansion. Joining The Lover, The Owner and The Virgin could be Jacques Demers as “The Scholar” or Ted Nolan as “The Wife Banger.” What about Graham James as “The Diddler?”  The possibilities are endless. 

If I was Janet Gretzky, I’d bet on MVP being a homegrown hit for the CBC.

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