Fall TV Preview

What follows can’t really be called a Fall TV preview, because: a) I say nothing remotely useful about any of the programs, b) I don’t even tell you when these shows are on, and c) It’s now October and this sort of thing would’ve made much more sense a month ago.

However, since this is (Cult)ure’s Disguise issue, you could say I've disguised a bunch of random sarcastic comments as a Fall TV Preview. Yes! At least I nailed the theme for once.

Here we go:

By the time you read this, this show will be cancelled. I’m giving you a Dominey-guarantee on that one. But for your reading pleasure, here’s an exclusive excerpt from the pitch the creative geniuses behind Worst Week gave CBS: "You know how people aren’t the least bit tired of Ben Stiller’s shtick? How about we make a comedy where we get this other loser to steal Ben Stiller’s shtick. It will be hilarious! We can’t lose."

The Republican Party: "You know how people aren’t the least bit tired of George Bush’s shtick? How about we make a comedy where we get this other loser to steal George Bush’s shtick. It will be hilarious! We can’t lose."

Since Sarah Palin looks like a cross between Tina Fey and a LensCrafters model, I’m using this space to continue my political commentary. Is anyone else worried? What a savvy VP pick by McCain. I think Palin can really deliver the mother-of-young-slut vote. "Drill Baby Drill, Drill Baby Drill, Drill Baby Drill…"

I haven't watched a show with a female lead since Murder, She Wrote (Oh Jessica Fletcher, come back to me), and thanks to Glenn Close's manly jaw-line, I'm still not sure this one counts.

Say Charlie Sheen collapses in a pile of whores tomorrow, what will he be best remembered for? Here’s one man’s humble opinion:

1) Banging sluts (see above).

2) Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn in the Major League movies.

3) Hot Shots!

4) Hot Shots! Part Deux

5) Banging more sluts.

6) Messy divorce and custody battle with Denise Richards - my theory is that Sheen skillfully dodged the bedside question, "How many women have you slept with?" for four years, until he finally felt completely secure in his relationship and whispered the number in Richards’s ear. They divorced immediately.

7) Wall Street.

8) Collaborations with Emilio. You’ve seen Young Guns, and who could forget Men at Work, but few have seen Rated X. In the TV movie, directed by Estevez, both brothers are balding and sporting moustaches. Needless to say, I’ve wanted to see this film for six years. With Christmas coming up, one can only hope a loved one is reading.

9) His father Martin, who sadly does not appear in Rated X. If you close your eyes hard enough though, you can picture him reading the script in his den, while deciding how to best deliver the bad news to his two sons.

10) Two and a Half Men.

This show is starting season seven, and Marlee Matlin has yet to make an appearance. Some kind of an investigation needs to be launched.

Nobody watches this show. When I tell anyone over 25 to check it out, they just make a crack about The Commish. We then share a laugh. Everyone loves a good Commish joke.

Now here’s a lesbian that men can get behind (not in that way). While Lindsay Lohan and Sex and the City’s Cynthia Nixon are slumming with two broads Hugh Grant wouldn’t even bring home, Ellen is parking the Porsche of lesbians in her driveway every night. God Bless You Ellen DeGeneres.

While I’m at it, I’m also nominating Neil Patrick Harris as America’s favourite gay man. First Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle, now this show. Doogie Howser, MD, is almost single-handedly undoing all Nathan Lane’s cultural damage.

Spencer Pratt is the greatest TV villain of all time. Unfortunately for his family and friends, this is a reality show.

William Peterson is leaving the show this year. After pausing for a moment of silence, let’s remember some of his best work:

Shannen Doherty joins the list of celebrities who didn’t age well. Let’s put her Hollywood star between Helen Hunt and Uma Thurman, shall we?

This is one of the many things I love about our culture. Everyone knows the story about Richard Gere shoving a gerbil up his ass is completely contrived, but because it’s Richard Gere, we choose to believe it. We want to believe it. What I’m getting at is… could someone please make up a similar story about Patrick Dempsey?

Same goes for Ty Pennington.

The final season. I love how this show remained relevant throughout its 15-year run. Of course, I’ve never watched it, but I do remember what ER did when Grey’s Anatomy’s hunky doctors stole the headlines. "Oh, you like hunky doctors, America? Well, let me introduce you to John Stamos. I believe you two have met."

Every year there’s a buzz show. I’m not talking about shows like Desperate Housewives or The Sopranos that explode onto the cultural scene. I’m speaking of Entourage, 24 and The Wire, programs people decided to watch on DVD three years after they first came out. These Johnny-come-latelys then felt the need to tell everyone at work about how great these "new" shows were. In the case of 24 and Entourage, this phenomenon proved extra special when both shows started sucking at the very moment they were finally receiving word-of-mouth.

"You’ll never guess what’s in the hatch. This show’s awesome!!!"

Beginning its fourth season. There may be ghosts, but, clearly, there is no God.

David Duchovny recently went into rehab for a sex addiction, and is it just me, or does it feel like he’s bragging? Let me fill you in on something: every man is addicted to sex. Good looking dudes like Duchovny are lucky enough to be able to feed their addiction, while ugly guys are forced to masturbate.

In a bind, not a bad show to masturbate to.

Brooke Shields continues to show America just how well she can conceal her penis. It’s barely noticeable. Unbelievable!

Hey, did anyone hear about Patrick Dempsey getting arrested at a glory hole?

Okay, all done. I apologize to the editors and readers of (Cult)ure, and promise to come back bigger and better than ever in November with a complete series recap of…you guessed it, The Commish.

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