Smart People like Dumb Things

Up until recently I despised people with poor taste. I’d ask them, “What shows do you like?” then snicker when they replied “Deal or No Deal.” I’d call them morons for watching the latest M. Night Shyamalan flick.  And if Jay Leno cracked them up, I’d make a hand-job gesture behind their back. Yes, I judged these people.

That is until one day I noticed they were all much more successful than me.

My cousin, a guy who watches NCIS, became a doctor. The guy who liked Hitch now works for a pro hockey team. And the girl who kisses Law & Order SVU’s Christopher Meloni goodnight before slipping into bed with me is a television producer. 

This is because smart people like dumb things. 
 
Much like parents, smart people have no time on their hands. While I’m pumping my fist over a high score in Wii Bowling, they’re busy performing open-heart surgeries and climbing corporate ladders. In short, these aren’t people who answer the question “How was your weekend?” with “I watched all six seasons of The Wire, only peeing three times!”

That’s not to say smart people don’t like television. Sure they’d love to watch a great new show, but they’re not exactly canceling their theatre tickets every Thursday. Because of this reluctance to invest oneself, smart people only consume shows that are self-contained. There can be no character development, no rewarding storylines, no growth of any kind.

Even though all I see is House making wise-ass remarks to patients and colleagues before miraculously solving yet another medical mystery, a smart person sees a chance to be entertained for an hour before bed. It’s purely an escape. A great show like Lost, on the other hand, is a trap, holding you hostage for four seasons and counting.

If anyone’s figured this out it’s CBS, America’s Most Watched Network. While you’d think the popularity of personal video recorders would make serial dramas like Mad Men and Dexter the popular choice – considering people can now watch these superior shows at their convenience – CBS proves year-after-year that people don’t want drawn-out plotlines. What they want is procedurals, lots and lots of them.

Supplementing the three CSI programs on CBS’s line-up are: Cold Case (crime procedural); Without A Trace (crime procedural); Criminal Minds (crime procedural); Eleventh Hour (science-based crime procedural); Numbers (math-based crime procedural); The Unit (military procedural); NCIS (navy procedural); The Ghost Whisperer (big-breast procedural); and of course, The Mentalist (crime procedural).

The Mentalist, starring Simon Baker (aka. The Guardian), is the fall’s new smash-hit, drawing over 16 million people every week. That’s about 7 million more viewers than J.J. Abrams gets for his new serial drama Fringe, which airs in the same timeslot. If you haven’t heard, The Mentalist is about a guy with “very keen skills of observation,” the very same skills its viewers don’t have.

It’s like anything. Wanna get better at basketball? Take some jump shots. Wanna get better grades? Study more. Wanna become better in bed? Hire a hooker. The only way to learn something is through repetition. 

I know you’re thinking, “Why would I want to get better at watching TV?” or perhaps “Geez, this guy must never get laid!” but it’s true. Without consuming pop culture, it’s ignorant to think you can still understand it. 

To put it another way, if you’ve never listened to a rap in your life, you probably wouldn’t feel comfortable dissecting Ludacris’ latest album. Then why if you’ve never seen a P.T. Anderson movie, would you even think about declaring your hatred for There Will Be Blood? 

People do this all the time! Because TV and movies are easily accessible, everyone thinks they have a right to an opinion. While people will tell you flat-out that they couldn’t get through some Russian novel, or admit to not understanding what Jackson Pollock was trying to express, they would never cop to “not getting” A History of Violence unless they were convinced it was terrible. Their egos won’t let them.

Television is especially looked down upon. If a guy tells you to check out this wicked new band, you say, “Wow, you really know your music,” but if a guy keeps talking about all the new shows that you just have to watch, you most likely say, “Get a life fatboy.”  While musical knowledge wins admiration and respect, an understanding of television labels you as a recluse who needs to get out more. What I’m trying to say is: No one’s ever gotten laid watching Survivor.

Us boob-tube-watching schlubs don’t get listened to. And to make it worse, we’re forced to smile politely when some lady at the office confesses her addiction to So You Think You Can Dance.

While I’m guessing no smart, successful people are reading an article about TV—considering that would be at least ten times more wasteful and pointless then actually watching it—I’m going to say this:

You win, all right? You have a great job. I don’t. Each year my loser rating rises at least a couple points. That said: you have to put your ego aside. Just because you’re smart in life doesn’t mean you’re pop culture savvy. By all means, keep watching your terrible television programs and studio films, but just don’t talk to me about them. I don’t go to the hospital and tell you what incision to make, so don’t stroll into TV Land and tell me Friends is funny. It never was.

If you didn’t watch Heat, don’t declare A Righteous Kill anything but brutal, if you haven’t seen Arrested Development, don’t talk to me about how funny Corner Gas is, and if you haven’t watched a Dane Cook film, just count yourself lucky because you’re probably clueless enough to go see one.

While a smart person’s busy becoming a lawyer, guys like me are busy giving their closing statements on Shia LaBeouf’s latest movie (if only there was a death penalty in this case).  When a scientist is splitting atoms, we’re splitting hairs over whether Curb Your Enthusiasm is better than Seinfeld.  And when an astronomer discovers a new planet, guess what, we’ve already discovered one on The View.

In conclusion, there’s obviously a lot of dumb people who watch a lot of dumb things—hence Jerry Bruckheimer’s success—but encountering a smart, successful person who watches smart, groundbreaking stuff is rarer than finding someone who’s seen Swing Vote.

However, if you are a smart, hardworking person that’s been hit by lightning or bit by a monkey or something and has somehow developed the powers of pop culture criticism, then I sincerely apologize. You should come over sometime and watch TV. I need to ask you about getting a job.

Comments (0)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

Write comment

Email Name		Title Comment smaller | bigger
		I have read and agree to the Terms of Usage. Write the displayed characters Add Comment