The 1st Annual (Cult)y TV Awards!

Everyone and their brother gives out end of the year awards, but no one does it like we do. Unless everyone else is giving out awards for Best Performance by Livestock in an Underwatched Sci-fi Show, which we sincerely doubt. Until then, read our TV prizes below and stay tuned for equally highly specific cinema awards.

Tagline That Actually Delivers
"Winter is coming." -- Game of Thrones, Season 1

People started saying, "Winter is coming," in the pilot of Game of Thrones, HBO's adaptation of George R.R. Martin's long-running fantasy series. If you aren't familiar with the series, you could be forgiven for thinking, "Duh, it comes every year." Not so in Westeros. Seasons last for years and years (Arya, who's about 10, has never seen winter), so the prospect of another winter is positively deadly. That sense of pervasive dread seeped through the season, culminating in the intensely bold decision to (SPOILER ALERT) kill off the show's ostensible main character, Ned (Sean Bean). That's right -- they killed mother-effing Sean Bean. Why? Because winter is coming. Also, dragons. They're coming, too.

Best Performance by Livestock in an Underwatched Sci-fi Show
Jeanne the Cow, Fringe

One of the main characters on Fringe is Walter Bishop (played by the freaking awesome John Noble). Walter is a sort of mad scientist, but he has had the mean-mad parts of his brain removed (by his own choice), and now he is just lovably mad. He spent 17 years in a mental institution, and, now that he is out in the real world, he is obsessed with food (and candy). In order to have fresh milk available at all times, Walter harbours Jeanne, the cow, in his lab. Jeanne's work is mostly as a fun background player, but she has also had a storyline or two, like when Agent Olivia Dunham was possessed by Spock (it's a long story). Walter is also working on making her produce chocolate milk (which is like eons better than regular milk).

Best Spin-off that Exists Only in My Mind
The Jesse St. James Wears a Scarf Variety Half Hour

These days, to say that Glee isn't the show it used to be is the equivalent of saying "Glee is a show." But when Jesse St. James (Jonathan Groff) appeared from the shadows in last season's "Prom Queen," I cheered. He was clearly lying in wait for the moment when he could turn one of Rachel's (Lea Michele) solos into a delicious duet in order to win her back (and continue to be Rachel's equal in drama queendom). That they performed Adele's "Rolling in the Deep," a.k.a. the Song of the Year, was just icing on the cake:

Since Glee has no intention of deploying Jesse's rich baritone and powerful stage presence in every episode (which would be a waste anyways), why not spin him off? He could randomly interrupt all manner of people as they go about their daily lives, lure them into a thematically en pointe duet, and leave on the cusp of making a change. And he would do all this while wearing a scarf. I may not watch Glee anymore, but I would watch the shit out of that show.

Most Britishly Named Actor That You've Never Heard of but Should Start Watching Immediately
Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock

Just say it aloud: Benedict Cumberbatch. That is the most British Brit in all of Britain, I'd wager. If it were a character's name, I would say it was over the top (you too, Chord Overstreet), but it's real! Don't let it dissuade you from checking out Sherlock though: this modern-day take on Sherlock Holmes is intelligent, exciting, fast-paced, funny, and even occasionally touching. While I wait impatiently for the second season to be released, do yourselves a favour and check out the three-episode first one. At 90 minutes each, they're more like a movie trilogy.

Best Use of a Bald, Bespectacled Man in a Scarlett O'Hara Outfit
Dean Craig Pelton, Community, "Paradigms of Human Memory"

My love of Dean Craig Pelton (Jim Rash) from Community knows no bounds, and yet, somehow, he is always able to outdo himself. Case in point, in the flashback episode "Paradigms of Human Memory" there is a montage of Dean Pelton bursting into the study room wearing various (mostly women's) costumes that have something to do with a school event and pun. The best one is for the announcement of the cotillion that will be celebrating the school's new energy-efficient windows in a celebration dubbed "Gone with the Windows." The dean has on his very best Scarlett O'Hara costume. Dean Pelton is dedicated to his school and will do anything and everything to support it, which thankfully includes wearing absolutely fabulous and unnecessary outfits.

The TV Relationship that Shouldn't Work but Melts My Cold, Black Heart
Ron Swanson and Leslie Knope, Parks and Recreation

In the world of Parks and Recreation, Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) and Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler) are polar opposites. She is a driven, good-hearted government employee, and Ron, also a government employee, firmly believes that the government is a waste. Beyond their shared love of breakfast foods, they really shouldn't have anything in common, but they manage to have an amazingly sweet relationship. It will never be a romantic relationship as Ron only dates brunettes, and this is a good thing because they care about each other way too much to ever date. While they are ideologically opposed, they somehow manage to have one of the most selflessly supportive relationships, and it honestly melts my cold, black heart. Whether it's Ron defending Leslie and her dedication to the Parks Department (despite his personal efforts to make government as useless as possible) or Leslie suppressing her need to throw the most outrageous birthday party and giving Ron a perfect evening of whiskey, steak, and war movies alone, these two show that as unlikely as their bond may be, they really love each other.

The Sorest Loser and the Most Pathetic Attempt to Prove a Point on a Marksmanship-Based Reality Show
Jake Zweig, Top Shot

Jake Zweig from the third season of Top Shot takes this honour with absolutely no competition. Top Shot is one of the most sportsman-like reality shows in that each contestant is excited to prove him- or herself and wants to have the best competition possible. That is, until Jake brought his machismo and pathetic attitude to the game. After taking control of his team and forcing them to do ridiculous-looking training sessions, Jake put a target on his back (see what I did there?) by alienating himself and becoming the poorest sport I have ever seen. He went so far to prove how he was better than everyone by creating a team of one and sleeping outside on a bench for the remainder of his stay in the competition. Really effective, no? When he lost a challenge and was nominated for elimination he decided to hammer his own target up on the wall and unceremoniously leave, rather than risk losing the challenge and proving, once and for all, that he sucks.

Best Slow-Burn Comedy Routine in a Great Episode of a Great Show that You Should Watch
"Remedial Chaos Theory," Community

This award goes to Chevy Chase and the writers at Community for a bit of comedy that started out not funny, but grew funnier and funnier each time they showed it (7 times, in all). Before I get into the joke, please let me implore you all to start watching this show. It is really damn funny and probably the best comedy on TV today (it is also struggling for ratings and needs our help). Buy the season one DVDs or go to Netflix and catch that first season, and then tell me if you are not hooked. It is really funny. Anyways, this slow-burn comedy routine is in an episode where the study group finds itself in six different timelines. In each timeline, Chevy Chase's character, Pierce Hawthorne, laughs when Jeff Winger (Joel McHale) hits his head on a ceiling fan, and somehow finds a way to work into the conversation that he had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom. Neither of these things are hilarious to begin with (and both highlight Pierce's unsavoury character traits), but on the sixth and seventh occurrence, they become really damn funny. I won't try to explain the humour further -- please do watch the episode and see it for yourself -- but on the very last timeline, when someone actually brings up an airplane bathroom, Pierce's satisfied start to his story is truly amazing.

Show That Most Needs to Stop Thinking of Disturbing Imagery and Needs to Start Thinking about Story and Character
The Walking Dead

The Walking Dead's second season had a chance to counteract the waning promise of its first. It began strongly with a genuinely terrifying scene of our heroes hiding under several abandoned cars as a huge group of zombies slowly swarmed past them. In fact, in every episode there seemed to be an oh-shit moment, whether it was Shane hobbling a man in order to save himself, Glen hanging in a well inches above a waterlogged zombie, or a child screaming and struggling as bullet fragments are pulled out of his body without anaesthesia. But when these moments pass it's easy to see that the story isn't there. It seems like the writers conceive of these images (How about a bloody car seat?!) and write backwards from there, with no care for characterization or forward momentum. The shock appeal of the show is quickly running out, AMC. And unless you're willing to give Darryl and Glen a spin-off show where they travel the country killing zombies and crackin' wise, I won't be watching much longer.

Most Angeringly Bad Finale of a Previously Awesome Final Season, African American Lady Icons Division
Oprah

Though there were a few contenders in the category (except not at all), the final episode of Oprah takes this award in a walk. I'm no Oprah devotee, but I was sucked back into the final season, where the production really upped its game. The Australian Adventure shows were really fun, and Oprah brought out all her favourite guests and stars. That interview with J.K. Rowling was awesome, we got to see Chaz Bono making his big transition, and so much more. But how would the icon take the show off the air? If you had told me it would be with a boring hour of her just talking to us while white ladies in the audience wept silently, I would have laughed right in your face. To be fair to the show, the two episodes before the finale were really awesome. The Harpo team surprised Oprah at the United Center in Chicago with thousands and thousands of her fans and a jam-packed guest list as well. I would be lying if I said I didn't bawl my ever-loving face off when Kristen Chenoweth sang "For Good" (from Wicked) while the young men that Oprah had given college scholarships to walked around the arena. I really wish the show had ended there. Instead, Oprah took her regular stage one last time, and it was so boring and such a let-down after that extravaganza. I was angry that I watched it, and still am.

With files from Lauren Cheal, Taryn Cheal, Emily Goodacre, and April Yorke.

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