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|Written by (Cult)ure Staff|
|Wednesday, 21 December 2011 00:00|
Everyone and their brother gives out end of the year awards, but no one does it like we do. Unless everyone else is giving out awards for Best Performance by Livestock in an Underwatched Sci-fi Show, which we sincerely doubt. Until then, read our TV prizes below and stay tuned for equally highly specific cinema awards.
Best Performance by Livestock in an Underwatched Sci-fi Show
One of the main characters on Fringe is Walter Bishop (played by the freaking awesome John Noble). Walter is a sort of mad scientist, but he has had the mean-mad parts of his brain removed (by his own choice), and now he is just lovably mad. He spent 17 years in a mental institution, and, now that he is out in the real world, he is obsessed with food (and candy). In order to have fresh milk available at all times, Walter harbours Jeanne, the cow, in his lab. Jeanne's work is mostly as a fun background player, but she has also had a storyline or two, like when Agent Olivia Dunham was possessed by Spock (it's a long story). Walter is also working on making her produce chocolate milk (which is like eons better than regular milk).
Best Spin-off that Exists Only in My Mind
Most Britishly Named Actor That You've Never Heard of but Should Start Watching Immediately
Best Use of a Bald, Bespectacled Man in a Scarlett O'Hara Outfit
The TV Relationship that Shouldn't Work but Melts My Cold, Black Heart
The Sorest Loser and the Most Pathetic Attempt to Prove a Point on a Marksmanship-Based Reality Show
This award goes to Chevy Chase and the writers at Community for a bit of comedy that started out not funny, but grew funnier and funnier each time they showed it (7 times, in all). Before I get into the joke, please let me implore you all to start watching this show. It is really damn funny and probably the best comedy on TV today (it is also struggling for ratings and needs our help). Buy the season one DVDs or go to Netflix and catch that first season, and then tell me if you are not hooked. It is really funny. Anyways, this slow-burn comedy routine is in an episode where the study group finds itself in six different timelines. In each timeline, Chevy Chase's character, Pierce Hawthorne, laughs when Jeff Winger (Joel McHale) hits his head on a ceiling fan, and somehow finds a way to work into the conversation that he had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom. Neither of these things are hilarious to begin with (and both highlight Pierce's unsavoury character traits), but on the sixth and seventh occurrence, they become really damn funny. I won't try to explain the humour further -- please do watch the episode and see it for yourself -- but on the very last timeline, when someone actually brings up an airplane bathroom, Pierce's satisfied start to his story is truly amazing.
Show That Most Needs to Stop Thinking of Disturbing Imagery and Needs to Start Thinking about Story and Character
The Walking Dead's second season had a chance to counteract the waning promise of its first. It began strongly with a genuinely terrifying scene of our heroes hiding under several abandoned cars as a huge group of zombies slowly swarmed past them. In fact, in every episode there seemed to be an oh-shit moment, whether it was Shane hobbling a man in order to save himself, Glen hanging in a well inches above a waterlogged zombie, or a child screaming and struggling as bullet fragments are pulled out of his body without anaesthesia. But when these moments pass it's easy to see that the story isn't there. It seems like the writers conceive of these images (How about a bloody car seat?!) and write backwards from there, with no care for characterization or forward momentum. The shock appeal of the show is quickly running out, AMC. And unless you're willing to give Darryl and Glen a spin-off show where they travel the country killing zombies and crackin' wise, I won't be watching much longer.
Most Angeringly Bad Finale of a Previously Awesome Final Season, African American Lady Icons Division
Though there were a few contenders in the category (except not at all), the final episode of Oprah takes this award in a walk. I'm no Oprah devotee, but I was sucked back into the final season, where the production really upped its game. The Australian Adventure shows were really fun, and Oprah brought out all her favourite guests and stars. That interview with J.K. Rowling was awesome, we got to see Chaz Bono making his big transition, and so much more. But how would the icon take the show off the air? If you had told me it would be with a boring hour of her just talking to us while white ladies in the audience wept silently, I would have laughed right in your face. To be fair to the show, the two episodes before the finale were really awesome. The Harpo team surprised Oprah at the United Center in Chicago with thousands and thousands of her fans and a jam-packed guest list as well. I would be lying if I said I didn't bawl my ever-loving face off when Kristen Chenoweth sang "For Good" (from Wicked) while the young men that Oprah had given college scholarships to walked around the arena. I really wish the show had ended there. Instead, Oprah took her regular stage one last time, and it was so boring and such a let-down after that extravaganza. I was angry that I watched it, and still am.
With files from Lauren Cheal, Taryn Cheal, Emily Goodacre, and April Yorke.
Tags: 2011, awards are always better when you make them up yourself, cultys, eons better than regular milk, faith, mother effing sean bean, our cold black hearts, the most british name in all of christendom, tv, we sure do want you to start watching community