Here's something: I discovered/realized that I never posted or even wrote a recap for The Vampire Diaries' Season 2 finale, "As I Lay Dying," but I did keep my notes. I type them while I watch, as my viewing companions can attest. With the exception of correcting a typo or two, I've decided to post them for you in full, so you can use them as a quick reminder before Season 3 kicks off tonight. Also because I'm hardly going to write a full recap at this late date. 

• A full minute of previouslies!
• Elena watches Jer sleep . . . I guess she's just checking on him, but it's weird. Mostly because of the artful streaming light.
• Damon shows up teary-eyed to apologize. Elena needs time and maybe a lot of it before she'll be ready. "Sure, of course. Take all the time you need."
• Damon enjoys an old bottle o'booze he's clearly been saving and pulls off his ring front of a window.
• Stefan jumps him hard core!
• And tosses him in the cellar of self-pity!
• Always the hero, Stefan. Just tell me goodbye and get it over with.
• Klaus wakes up naked in the woods and says to his brother, "That was amazing." While his brother casually rains down clothes.
• He was a wolf a full two days.
• Klaus won't give up the info.
• Alaric is wicked drunk at the Grill when Stefan calls him about Damon: What do you need? AW.
• Caroline insists that they persevere at a outside screening of Gone With the Wind.
• Stefan and Bonnie hold a seance, and Bonnie starts channeling Emily.
• That's not balance; that's punishment.
• The bitches of eastwick give Bonnie stabbing pains because they think she's abusing her powers, but she manages to catch one word: Klaus.
• Of course it is. Fucking Klaus.
• Lady Mayor shows up making demands of Sheriff to deal with the town's vampire problems, as she is not keeping the town safe. Dun!
• Look who couldn't resist an epic romance.
• Stefan gives Elena the truth about Damon, so she can make it right/accept his apologies.
• Damon's hallucinating back to his Katherine days, and Elena shows up to point out that Katherine was only ever using him.
• Stefan starts with Alaric's, which is indeed still infested with Katherine and Klaus. Too bad Klaus just stabbed him with a silver blade. And now he's got Stef up against a post. Hmm.
• Stake to Stefan's stomach! Even tortured, Stefan thinks of his brother: just give me the cure, and I'll do whatever you want.
• You are just shy of useless.
• My subconscious is haunting me, Ric.
• Alaric doesn't blame Damon for Jenna.
• Give me your glass. Neither one of us is drunk enough for this conversation.
• Kill me, please.
• Screw you.
• Elena arrives, but the Sheriff is there to cause trouble with her deputies.
• Sheriff locks Alaric in the blood closet then busts into the self-pity cellar. Man, she doesn't even remember her tenure there!
• You keep doing this! You left me behind before, and Jenna still died.
• Oh, dear, Stefan's reputation as a bloodcoholic and ripper has proceeded him.
• Oh, shit, it's Klaus's blood that's the cure, and he only wants to deal with the ripper.
• Damon's trippin' balls at the Gone with the Wind screening. It's taking him back.
• Elena's stuck in the Sheriff's office.
• Jer brings Damon to the Grill, where the Sheriff shows up to shoot him. Too bad Damon dodges, and Jer takes the wooden bullet. Caroline and Bonnie break in, and Caroline feeds Jer her blood, but it might be too late. Good fucking job, Sheriff.
• Alaric's here now, too.
• Bonnie seems to think she can save him, so Alaric carries him away.
• Brave little toaster throws a chair through the office window and busts on out of there.
• That's too bad. You would have made a helluva wing man.
• Klaus will give Stefan his blood in exchange for a decade long bender. You do everything I say and I save your brother, that's the deal.
• Stefan shotguns a blood bag, and then another. He makes some hilariously angry faces while he's at it. Hee.
• Bonnie brings Jer the witches, but they don't want to help Bonnie. There will be consequences.
• He's just a kid, tell them to shut up.
• Finally, Bonnie begs for Emily's help. She loves Jer.
• All the fire goes dead, and Bonnie cries in the darkness, but Jer comes to.
• Atlanta is burning when Elena finds Damon.
• He gets all confused with drinking Katherine's blood to turn and bites into Elena. It's super creepy, with Elena saying things like no and stop and you don't have to do this and you're hurting me. After a few sips, though, he figures out that it's Elena and stops, collapsing.
• Caroline gets the call that Jer's alive. Sheriff thought she killed him. You did.
• Caroline tells Sheriff about the time she compelled her. Finally, they hug and cry.
• Jer and Bonnie have a very sweet talk, and Alaric shows up to maybe stay and mock him for good.
• Damon's taken to his sick bed and into Elena's arms.
• All those years I blamed Stefan. No one forced me to love her. It was my own choice. I made the wrong choice. Tell Stefan I'm sorry, okay?
• Stefan is mad drunk, you guys. He's on a bender something fierce.
• Klaus compels Katherine to take the blood over, but we all know Katherine's on vervain. Stefan mumbles a no, but it's too late. Katherine's gone.
• Damon thinks he deserves to die, but Elena doesn't. She forgives him.
• Damon finally tells Elena that he loves her.
• You should have met me in 1864. You would have liked me.
• I like you now, just the way you are. And she kisses him just once: goodbye.
• Katherine does show up, as she owed Damon.
• Stefan, on the other hand, gave himself over to Klaus.
• Oh, it's okay to love them both? I did.
• STFU, Katherine! You make no sense!
• Klaus knew Katherine was on vervain, and now he wants Stefan to help track her down.
• "What is it you really want from me?" "All will be explained in time."
• Klaus brings in another teen and gets her started. Wow, that sounds gross. Stefan finishes her while the world shakes. His eyes glows a scary blue when he drops the body.
• Jer wakes up 'cause there's some weird mystical shit afoot. Weird mystical shit like Vicki and Anna chillin' in his kitchen.
• Next time: there is no next time! Not for months!

I’d share with the extent of my disappointment with the last couple episodes of True Blood, but, since my 32 day-old computer died, I can’t really. Suffice it to say that I put a hell of lot of effort into “I Wish I Was The Moon” and none into “Cold Grey Light of Dawn” since it was largely about people feeling their feelings. Last night’s episode, “Spellbound,” got a bit more into the action, though some of it still felt  like wheel-spinning and contrivance for contrivance’s sake. Still, Hot Bill, Eric and Sookie getting stoned, and Martonia getting a pet aren’t so bad. Lafayette getting possessed and thus further drawn into that damnable baby plotline? Not so much. Where’s Jesus when you need him?

Silver is Not like a Band-Aid

Jessica’s all ready to bust open the doors and die very slowly and painfully out in the sun (remember, the younger a vamp is, the slower s/he burns). Fortunately, Jason’s there to jump her, boot the doors shut, and wrap darling Jessica in Bill’s zebra rug. Heh. Bill’s redecoration has not gotten old for me. Did he hire someone? I mean, surely to do all the work, but did he hire someone to help him with the colour palette and all that? My favourite thing about Bill is what Bill gets up to when we’re not looking, e.g., buying a Wii and Fresca, and that hasn’t changed over four seasons. It’s just icing that Bill is hot all the time now.

Last night’s True Blood, “I’m Alive and on Fire,” was something of a letdown after three weeks of AMAZING. It naturally had to be (how could you keep that up?), though it was still disappointing when not much happened (and doubly disappointing to crash to black at 9:50 exactly). We did, however, get to further experience the tragedy of Bill Compton, gain some insight into our embittered witch friend, and watch one of the horrible denizens of Hot Shot die. Plus, there was a Wet Torso Contest, so I guess it’s not all bad.

I Will Slay All the Sea Monsters

No sooner has Claudine gone up in a cloud of faerie dust than Sookie is insistent that Eric get back to his cubby, lest the fae be lurking about. Puppy Eric is apparently more interested in keeling over. Just when I think he’s on his very own trip to Fairy Land, he sort of snores and wiggles his arms around and gets back up, blood all over his face because blood never washes. He slurs that he wants more and keeps approaching Sookie long after she tells him to quit it. He flicks back her side pony tail (guess he’s a right biter). As he comes in for the bite, Sookie whisper-yells, “Don’t, Eric, you’ll kill me.” Puppy Eric’s head snaps back. Wounded, he explains that he could never hurt Sookie. The fangs retract. Relieved, Sookie tries to lead him to the cubby, but Eric’s not having it. He keeps pinching her butt (“beautiful butt,” he clarifies) and running away at vamp-speed. Finally, Sookie gets it, “Eric, you’re drunk.” Drunkety drunk drunk drunk would be more accurate, but I guess that’s close enough. Drunky Eric is like, “Duh, Snooki.” Despite dawn approaching, he’s upping grab ass to tag. “Chase me,” he implores, taking off at vamp-speed. Sookie chases him into the credits.

Ho, boy. Last night’s True Blood, “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?” had a whole lot of only a few of things: horrible Crystal in horrible Hot Shot, approximately 1000 new faces from Puppy Eric, and rape. Talking about it, threatening it, seeing it happen. If you know me, then you know that’s my line, so I don’t know how I am going to deal with the fallout. I’ll probably comfort myself with the triumphant return of Alcide.

This is . . . my house?

Out by the side of the road, the camera makes sure to lovingly pan up from Puppy Eric’s bare feet (called it!), revel in his naked torso, and come to rest on his handsome, confused face. Fangs out, he wonders anew why Sookie smells so good, but this time he’s a little more descriptive: “Like wheat (sniff) and honey (sniff) and sunshine.” Sookie: “You know perfectly well why I smell . . . the way that I do.” She punctuates this with a pert little nod, like, this topic is no longer open for discussion, and I marvel at the idea that Sookie/Anna Paquin was ever considered a weak link on this show. We couldn’t be luckier to have her, folks. Puppy Eric, however, pays no never mind to the naysayers and leans into the car to, I don’t know, take a big whiff. Sookie hits the gas, makes it all of a couple of hundred feet while watching Puppy Eric in the rear view, then stops when she doesn’t see him anymore. Forsooth, Sookie. Try to remember that time he punched a giant dent into the front of your car. Was that her car or was it Bill’s? If it was her’s, you know he got that fixed up, too. Do you think it’s significant that her car and her house are yellow? Is it related to her sunshiny-ness? Item reserved. So Sookie’s looking around when Puppy Eric reappears and pounces on her through her open window. Sookie screams us into the credits.

If “She’s Not There,” was set up, then last night’s True Blood, “You Smell Like Dinner,” is rapid payoff. Sure, a lot of it is just pushing forward everyone’s season arcs, but it feels less like soapy wheel spinning (secrets and lies) and more like actual things happening. Say what you will about True Blood; this show can cram a helluva lot of plot into an hour. Check it: Tara’s back, Crystal’s back, Bill flashes back, Eric flashes back, Sookie runs all over town trying to figure out how not to be Eric’s, and Pam gives some really good advice. Also, Louis Pasteur? Total vampire. Someone update that entry, STAT.

Two Sookies Enter, Only One Can Leave

Despite how we left things, with Eric advancing on Sookie fangs out and Sookie’s robe in his hand, Sookie’s hurrying down the stairs of Stackhouse Shack while tying her robe and denying that she will ever be Eric’s. Alright, let’s just get this one out of the way upfront, so we can concentrate on the proceedings: WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT DOESN’T WANT TO BE ERIC’S? SIGN ME UP! Ahem. Right, so, Eric zips down the stairs and tells it like it is: Sookie’s blood tastes like freedom and sunshine. While vampires may not realize it or why, that’s what they smell when they smell her. Sookie asks petulantly if Eric is threatening her (get a clue, Sook). He explains that on the contrary, Sookie’s going to need protection, and, straightening up to his full height of GIANT, he can offer that protection. Sookie will take her chances and flounces off to the kitchen, but Eric’s not going to rest his case quite that fast. He also, as you may recall, owns this house. Sookie snaps back that the house doesn’t come with her inside it, and Eric fires off that if that is the case, he “grossly overpaid.” I still think it’s gross that Eric considers Sookie transitive property or property of any kind, really.

Remember last year when I was constantly distracted during the first half of the season of True Blood by Bill's sudden hotness? You know, back when he was wearing dinner jackets? Then he got back with Sookie and stopped being hot. Well, good news! I saw some new images from the upcoming season (June 26th cannot come soon enough), and Bill's hot again! Check it out for yourself:

I mean, pocket squares? It's like he's undergoing a Chuck Bass-ification. Which probably explains shit like this:

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Last Day,” proved two things: Damon is love’s bitch, and there’s little anyone can do to stop Klaus. Not that I think Elena is going to die (I’ve watched TV before, babies), but there’s no telling what the exact outcome will be. Also, the CW Rochester STILL has flippin’ sound problems during VD broadcasts. Get it together, network.

Magic Elixir Does the Body Good

The ep opens with shirtless Damon, and one of my viewing companions opines that all eps should start this way. Downstairs in front of Eternal Fireplace, Elijah is recapping the truth about the curse for Stefan and now Damon. Damon’s all about power player Bonnie, but Elena – natch – is still tweaking about her best girl dying. Damon: “I'll write her a great eulogy.”  I can only imagine! “In the months since I tried to rip Bonnie’s throat out, we developed a steamy sexual chemistry that forced us to no longer share the screen because the writers weren’t pushing a dirty, dirty vamp-witchy romance. I sure as hell thought about it, but it didn’t happen. Anyway, turns out she was cool beans. Now she’s dead. See ya, Bon-Bon! Have fun with other Bitches of Eastwick serving nature in the great beyond!”

So it turns out that I never recapped “The Witches of Bushwick,” which is just as well, as that episode’s dire stupidity and retrogressive sexual politics were too much for me. I hated  a lot of that episode. Props to last night’s Gossip Girl, “Gaslit,” for helping to somewhat restore my faith in the show.  

I accidentally missed the first ten minutes thanks to Carlos, the longest movie in the world, but I’m going to guess that they went a little something like this: Serena comes to in a cheap motel in Queens and dials 911. Everyone’s making their Thanksgiving plans, and then those plans are interrupted as one by one they find out that Serena’s been rushed to St. Margaret’s. Am I close?

So when we come back, Nate’s sitting on his doorstep because Dan will run right over when he gets a text. And not even a booty text! Nope, Nate’s found out that Anne, who suddenly has a personality and that personality is icky, is in the process of divorcing the Captain. Dan tells him that there’s nothing Nate can do and that his parents were happier after the divorce. Dan then gets the call about Serena and boots it to the hospital, while Nate points out that as usual, Dan’s advice sucks. Heh.