Ho, boy. Last night’s True Blood, “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?” had a whole lot of only a few of things: horrible Crystal in horrible Hot Shot, approximately 1000 new faces from Puppy Eric, and rape. Talking about it, threatening it, seeing it happen. If you know me, then you know that’s my line, so I don’t know how I am going to deal with the fallout. I’ll probably comfort myself with the triumphant return of Alcide.

This is . . . my house?

Out by the side of the road, the camera makes sure to lovingly pan up from Puppy Eric’s bare feet (called it!), revel in his naked torso, and come to rest on his handsome, confused face. Fangs out, he wonders anew why Sookie smells so good, but this time he’s a little more descriptive: “Like wheat (sniff) and honey (sniff) and sunshine.” Sookie: “You know perfectly well why I smell . . . the way that I do.” She punctuates this with a pert little nod, like, this topic is no longer open for discussion, and I marvel at the idea that Sookie/Anna Paquin was ever considered a weak link on this show. We couldn’t be luckier to have her, folks. Puppy Eric, however, pays no never mind to the naysayers and leans into the car to, I don’t know, take a big whiff. Sookie hits the gas, makes it all of a couple of hundred feet while watching Puppy Eric in the rear view, then stops when she doesn’t see him anymore. Forsooth, Sookie. Try to remember that time he punched a giant dent into the front of your car. Was that her car or was it Bill’s? If it was her’s, you know he got that fixed up, too. Do you think it’s significant that her car and her house are yellow? Is it related to her sunshiny-ness? Item reserved. So Sookie’s looking around when Puppy Eric reappears and pounces on her through her open window. Sookie screams us into the credits.

Remember last year when Gossip Girl finally learned how to do a finale right? This year, with Monday night’s “The Wrong Goodbye,” they went us one better: not only was Georgina on the scene to wreak adorably unhinged havoc, she sniffed out a kindred in a matter of minutes. Attagirl. Otherwise, Serena and Dan finally admit the truth, Blair gets her fairytale, and Chuck and his beloved get back together in style. AND my prediction that Ed Westwick would make up for last week’s dearth of exquisitely expressive faces proves so right I may have to get a swooning couch.

Not unless the thing was twisted and nasty, in which case my help could prove invaluable.

Vanessa and Serena have teamed up to find Charlie. Vanessa doesn’t know that Serena’s a certified crime fighter, so she’s boo-hooing all Serena’s ideas and generally being Vanessa up in this cab. Serena finally shuts the bickering down and decides that they should just work together until they know the status of the currently unfolding murder-suicide they’ve imagined. Also, as suspected, Charlie Single White Female-d her roommate in college. That was her bugaboo.

There are probably worse things that Supernatural could do (luxuriate in the ANGST like it used to, perhaps?), but why are we watching episodes as boring as last week's "All Dogs Go to Heaven"? When we know the show can give us "Weekend at Bobby's," why do they think we'll stand for this dog's breakfast?

In all honesty, an ep like "Dogs" isn't boring because it's poorly directed or written or acted or cast or anything of the sort. It's boring because it's wheel spinning. We see what appears to be werewolf attacks and eventually learn that they are the handiwork of a "skin walker," a human who can transform into the shape of a dog (or possibly any animal?) at will. Sam and Dean track down a Cujo who's actually broken his pack's rules by enacting vengeance on behalf of the family that took him in. Sam wants to follow the doggy all the way up to the top, snag the Alpha, and trade him for his soul, but Dean's still in his moralist snit about 1) working with Crowley (unlike, say, when they worked with him to save the damn world) and 2) not into handing over Alphas to be tortured. So in the end Sam and Dean take out the entire pack, save Lucky, our murderous dog from the opening who trots off down the road like The Littlest Hobo.

It has all the elements of a solid episode, but it ends up more or less giving us exactly what we got the week before in "Family Matters." Break it down:

Going into last night’s The Vampire Diaries, “Masquerade,” we knew two things: that Stefan and Damon were going to kill Katherine and that Matt was going to die to turn Tyler, which mean that we knew one more thing: neither of these characters were going to die. Not that The Vampire Diaries isn’t the kind of show that goes around just killing characters for the heck of it – because it so is and that’s one of the many reasons we love it – but because it’s too soon to kill Katherine and killing Matt would just be a waste. The great thing about this show, though, is that you’re actually on the edge of your seat wondering how these plots will be thwarted. And that how? Is so awesome. I love this show.

Because I’m Going to Kill Her

Eternal Fireplace. “Masquerade” begins with the now classic intercut intro. Damon’s administering a calming tumbler of blood to a shaken Caroline while prompting her to run the story by a newly arrived Stefan. Caroline’s story is cut with delightful little editorials from Damon. The gist: Katherine’s down at the Grill impersonating Elena. In the bathroom, she once again uses Caroline as her messenger: tell Damon and Stefan that I want the moonstone tonight at the masquerade ball. Having something Katherine wants is one thing, but having an opportunity is something neither brother can pass up. Damon immediately crows that he’s going to kill Katherine, and Stefan goes, “No, you’re not.” This goes back and forth for a short while because Somerhalder and Wesley have got the brother thing down pat, but finally Damon is like, “This is no time for your humanity, bro,” and Stefan tells the truth, “You're not going to kill her. [beat] Because I’m going to kill her.” Aw, hells ya.

In “Easy J,” Gossip Girl tries to tell us that Jenny Humphrey has been missed. No, she has not. She’s gone just as quickly as she arrived, which is exactly how we like it. This week’s Gossip Girl also featured Nate shaking it for Cellblock 6, Serena successfully attending a class, and a tragic end to Chuck and Blair’s war.

Blair’s Psychic Hotline

Blair has a Wait Until Dark dream that we both see and hear her explain in detail to Serena. Thanks? Anyway, she thought Chuck was the dream attacker until she reached back and grabbed a handful of ratty blonde extensions. Blair also takes this opportunity to call Serena a slut like she does every episode lately, and I’m getting a little tired of it. I wonder why Serena doesn’t just tell her to eff off but remember that it’s probably to avoid getting axe murdered. Blair also inaccurately describes Serena’s hair as being in “missionary disarray.” Serena has sex hair all the time, so it’s kind of a wonder how they cooked up beach hair for her this episode and called it sex hair. Anyway, Serena’s like, “Yes, but we didn’t fuck!” and Blair’s like, “My dream is more important than your real life!”, so Serena tries to use her Serena-magic to amalgamate the two by suggesting that they talk it over while taking a cab to school. Serena plans to get there on time since she knows Cab-Thieving Colin won’t have anyone to pour into a taxi this morning. I’m briefly amazed that she may have concocted this scheme just to neutralize Colin but no such luck. Also, no takers. Blair has somewhere else to be.

Last night's The Vampire Diaries entry, "Blood Brothers," was heavy on the past, heavy on the brotherly relations, and heavy on the shirtlessness. In other words, it was awesome.

Stefan is to Angel

The similarities between Stefan and Angel have been pretty obvious to anyone familiar with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. They even show up in Stefan's jawline, brow, and hair style. Last night really pushed the similarity to the edge by taking Stefan's plot pretty much completely from the BVTS episode, "Amends." Now, I get that there are books that the show is based on, and blah blah all vampire stuff is kind of similar cakes, but I'm not really complaining. For one, "Amends" came midway through the third season; "Blood Brothers" appears toward the end of season one because this show moves lightening fast. For two, we finally, finally got to the source of Damon's fatwa (oh, I said it) against Stefan, and it was totally in character. I love this show.

Last night's episode of Supernatural, "Hammer of the Gods," was a mixed bag but not for the usual reasons. Dean, saints be praised, already has more pep in his step, and even pulled out some of the false braggadocio I longed for last week. Plus: CALLED IT!

Dean and Sam roll up to the Elysian Fields Motel, a suspiciously nice place off some deserted highway near Muncie, Indiana (I think. I usually miss the location, but I think I got it this time). Dim Dean's ready to sit back and enjoy, but Sam's immediately suspicious, more so when the newlyweds next door suddenly disappear but leave the engagement ring behind. Sure enough, there's a walk-in fridge full of people waiting to be devoured by the cross-cultural gods who descended and dressed the place up to lure the Winchesters. If they can come to terms with each other, they'll use the Winchesters as bargaining chips in the "Judeo-Christian Apocalypse" (more on this in a minute). 

Gabriel, who is still Loki to the assembled, shows up to spring our heroes from this surely stupid plan, but it backfires when his former lover Kali (an awesome Rekha Sharma) figures out that he's an angel and uses his own sword (guess archangels just call them swords) to gank him. Dean pulls out some of that false braggadocio I love so well and comes up with a new plan on the spot: they'll use Sam as bait to lure Lucifer (right after the gods somehow scrub the Enochian from his ribs, and the look on Sam's face at the prospect really sold that scene). Once there, the gods can use Gabriel's sword to smite Lucifer, putting an end to all this end-of-the-world nonsense. Finally, a sentiment I can get behind (well, two including the no world-ending stuff): without any specific play, the brothers will try anything to forestall Lucifer. This throw-it-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks approach is true to the show and true to the characters. I can understand why 22 episodes of it might not have worked, but, with three more to go, it feels just right.

Last night's episode of Gossip Girl, "The Unblairable Lightness of Being," called an official end to Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck, as we know them, but plenty of other relationships were also pushed to the breaking point. For an episode that featured Cyrus Rose and centred on Dorota and Vanya's wedding, it wasn't the happiest day of anyone's life.

Nate and Chuck

Nate and Serena start out the episode encouraging Chuck and Blair to kiss and make up (Nate suggests buying Blair something, while Serena recommends an overture of love), but Nate flips the switch when Blair tells him that Chuck used her to get Empire back. Nate and Chuck have, quite honestly, one of the nastiest fights I've seen on the show in a long while that didn't involve getting punched in the face. Nate tells Chuck that he doesn't deserve to be with anyone (!); Chuck tells Nate that a) he doesn't have the full story, and b) Nate couldn't comprehend the complex issues that plague people like Chuck and Blair because all Nate and Serena have to worry about is who has the shiniest hair. Chuck is too down/drunk to notice that Nate wore his hair slicked back all episode, and Serena looked like she hadn't showered in a few days. No shiny hair there. After the break up is made permanent (more on that in a moment), Nate tries to pull Chuck away from some random Brighton Beach giantess, but Chuck hisses that he's single now and will do what he pleases. Angry faces all around.

I haven't blogged about the last few episodes of Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures because my initial supposition, that the interweaving timelines would rob the show of any real dramatic tension, turned out to be true. For example, the question wasn't if Ming would have a miscarriage but when. The show seems to be getting that as the last three episodes haven't addressed the present day in the slightest.

Last night's episode, which dealt with the 2003 SARS crisis, put Fitz then Chen in isolation and Ming in quarantine in her apartment. Gee, I wonder if any of them will die? Even after Fitz signs a DNR, it's not a question of if he'll survive. It was cool to see Chen break down the glass barrier between their rooms after a hallucinating Fitz barricaded his door and started ripping off his equipment, but, yeah, Chen will get him back. 

Since Chen and Fitz seem to retain their status quo in the present, I've realized that the only interesting character is Ming. We know next to nothing about Chen's past and Fitz is only concerned with his past with Ming, but Ming's the fascinating one. The potential villain I pointed out? He's Ming's older cousin who raped her when she was 13. Remember how we've only met Ming's dad? Her mom wasn't around growing up, and last night we learned that she was a married woman who wouldn't leave her husband for love. Somehow, she was able to carry to term and leave Ming with her father to be raised. (And then returned to her husband? How does that work?) I do know some of what will happen next with Ming, but her inner world, in part because it's Fitz and Chen's fantasy sequences that we're regularly treated to, remains a mystery. Fitz and Chen can posture and joke and write all they want. Ming's the real deal. 

Last January, I reported seven film trends that defined 2008's cinema. The seventh was "vampires are everywhere." Guess what? 2009 was no less obsessed with vampires than 2008. Last night's People's Choice Awards saw seven statues go to vampires or vampire-related properties: Taylor Lautner for Breakout Actor, Twilight Saga for on-screen team and franchise, Twilight for movie*, Vampire Diaries for new TV drama, Supernatural for sci-fi/fantasy show, and True Blood for TV obsession. That last one fits so well it's almost a cliché: you don't watch True Blood. You gasp and yell, "Holy shit!" and get really pissed off if someone tries to call you between 9 and 10 on a Sunday night to interrupt your weekly heart attack. Naturally, Gossip Girl is the only point of comparison in the category.

*Not that New Moon can't fall into a hole for all I care, but Twilight came out in 2008. Why is it on the docket? I know I've become weirdly obsessed with Twilight as a direct result of my disappointment with New Moon, but surely not all the other "people" feel that way.  

Also on the vampire front, CBC put together this quiz, on which I received 10 out of 10 because I am vampire-obsessed or, as they put it, "You’re so badass, you have blood smoothies for breakfast."