The finals are here! It seems like we have been at this for a very long time. And by we, I mean me. Hope Solo was thankfully sent home last week, leaving us with three deserving finalists. We have the inspiring J.R. Martinez (a veteran who was badly injured while serving the U.S. military), former talk show host Ricki Lake, and relative of "famous" people, Rob Kardashian. If you had told me when we started this season that I wouldn't be actively rooting against Rob this week, I would not have believed you. He still isn't my favourite, but he has worked hard and earned his spot in the finals. Also, I love his partner, Cheryl. For the finale show (which is thankfully just one hour), each of the couples have just two dances including a fun freestyle round, and they get to have a teaching session with one of our esteemed judges as well.  

Ricki Lake and Derek (Cha Cha Cha):

We have come to the finale of this great, great show, and four dancers (3 awesome dancers) remain. Who will take the title of “America’s favorite dancer”? Probably Melanie. But we will see! The winner will take $250,000 and a bunch of promotional crap, so you know these four are excited. Guest judges include Kenny Ortega and Katie Holmes. Really? These are the best we can bring to the finale? In a season featuring Gaga, NPH and the surprisingly awesome Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Katie Holmes seems like a major letdown. Tonight the dancers will dance in pairs, solo, and with all-stars. Let’s get right to it.

Melanie and Marko: Disco by Doriana Sanchez

Disco is often a killer when featured on Dancing with the Stars, and apparently it caused some major injuries to beloved dancers last year on this show. I have faith in team Melarko. As the dancers get their disco on, I am reminded that disco kind of sucks. It is supposed to be high-energy, and there are some crazy lifts going on, but the dance is pretty boring. Kenny Ortega thinks it was fun, electric and sizzling. Mrs. Tom Cruise thinks they had a ton of energy. We learn that Mary did go to Studio 54 once. Hilarious. She says that they struggled with the lift transitions here and there. Nigel agrees with the struggle that Mary observed, and hopes to see better from them tonight.

We have come a long way together, folks. From mopping to tucking to beating our faces. I’m getting teary just thinking about it, which just won’t work because in honor of tonight’s finale, I am decked out in full drag myself. Last week, we had a fun recap show that was more entertaining than probably any recap show I have ever watched. I didn’t recap it here, but I highly recommend you check it out. Chaz Bono appears in a Ru Burlesque stage act cover of Cher’s performance of “You haven’t seen the last of me”. Amazing stuff, I tell you.

On to tonight’s finale! The three ladies we have left are Alexis Mateo, the super sweet queen with prom-fashion sensibilities, Manila Luzon, co-creator of the dumb Heathers group and overactor (but she does have a pretty solid look and generally fabulous outfits), and my personal fave, Raja—runway model with a talent for fashion and a walk that would make Tyra (and Miss J) proud. Who will take home the (literally 2 foot tall) crown? Ru tells us it will be shocking!

Jennifer Grey has to win, doesn't she? She is the only person left who is even a remotely talented dancer. So, it is the DWTS Finals, which is nice because it means I will be getting my Monday evenings back. I am not very invested in these dancers, but I will say it has been fun tuning in each week (if only to watch the trainwrecks unfold). *Cue soft-focus montage of me sitting at my laptop in different spots on my couch over the past 5 weeks*. Some good times, there. 

I am doing a recap of the performances from last night today and then I will do the results later tonight (because instead of recapping last night, I 100%  fell asleep all evening).