Last night’s True Blood, “I’m Alive and on Fire,” was something of a letdown after three weeks of AMAZING. It naturally had to be (how could you keep that up?), though it was still disappointing when not much happened (and doubly disappointing to crash to black at 9:50 exactly). We did, however, get to further experience the tragedy of Bill Compton, gain some insight into our embittered witch friend, and watch one of the horrible denizens of Hot Shot die. Plus, there was a Wet Torso Contest, so I guess it’s not all bad.

I Will Slay All the Sea Monsters

No sooner has Claudine gone up in a cloud of faerie dust than Sookie is insistent that Eric get back to his cubby, lest the fae be lurking about. Puppy Eric is apparently more interested in keeling over. Just when I think he’s on his very own trip to Fairy Land, he sort of snores and wiggles his arms around and gets back up, blood all over his face because blood never washes. He slurs that he wants more and keeps approaching Sookie long after she tells him to quit it. He flicks back her side pony tail (guess he’s a right biter). As he comes in for the bite, Sookie whisper-yells, “Don’t, Eric, you’ll kill me.” Puppy Eric’s head snaps back. Wounded, he explains that he could never hurt Sookie. The fangs retract. Relieved, Sookie tries to lead him to the cubby, but Eric’s not having it. He keeps pinching her butt (“beautiful butt,” he clarifies) and running away at vamp-speed. Finally, Sookie gets it, “Eric, you’re drunk.” Drunkety drunk drunk drunk would be more accurate, but I guess that’s close enough. Drunky Eric is like, “Duh, Snooki.” Despite dawn approaching, he’s upping grab ass to tag. “Chase me,” he implores, taking off at vamp-speed. Sookie chases him into the credits.

HOLY SHIT! Truth: I yelled that while HBO Canada was giving me the 14A warning. Nothing had happened yet, but I was really excited, you guys. Fortunately, last night’s Season 4 True Blood première, “She’s Not There,” had “holy shit” in spades. It’s been over a year since Sookie stepped into the light with Claudine, and it has lead to a lot of delicious new developments for every single one of our beloved characters. Also, Eric tries his hand at growling. Result? Excellent. Now let’s do bad things.

WAIT: Before this season started, I read a number of things about how True Blood can get back on track after Season 3. I wasn’t aware that it went off-track in S3, but apparently people weren’t as into vampire politics as I am. Too bad, fools. Russell Edginton is a genius creation. Denis O’Hare, hats off to you.

I just finished reading "Sorry Women, Summer Films Are for Boys," Dorothy Woodend's latest on The Tyee. Though we don't always agree, I'm a big fan Ms. Woodend's work. I went into this article with the suspicion that I wouldn't agree and not just because I'm a fan of the latest X-Men. Essentially because I'm a man-boy (or is it a boy-man?) at heart.

My best friend and I have a movie philosophy that amounts to "explosions Friday; art house Saturday." We're members of the Bytowne and love it there, and we're faithful patrons of the World Exchange Centre, a theatre more likely than the rest in Ottawa to pick up smaller films. But by the end of the week, you're not always in the right mental space to go deep or thoughtful or heavy. Sometimes you just want to watch things blow up real good.

Then I got to this caveat:

Remember last year when I was constantly distracted during the first half of the season of True Blood by Bill's sudden hotness? You know, back when he was wearing dinner jackets? Then he got back with Sookie and stopped being hot. Well, good news! I saw some new images from the upcoming season (June 26th cannot come soon enough), and Bill's hot again! Check it out for yourself:

I mean, pocket squares? It's like he's undergoing a Chuck Bass-ification. Which probably explains shit like this:

Oh, The Vampire Diaries, how we’ve missed you. Thanks for “The Sacrifice.” Everyone’s protecting everyone else all over that place: Bonnie, Jeremy, Stefan, and Damon all get in on a plan to save Elena, so you know our brave little toaster’s going to turn right around and try to save all of them. Which leaves Caroline and Tyler to save each other, which in turn leaves poor Matt out in the cold. And because he doesn’t want to feel left out, Alaric sacrifices his shirt. Atta boy.

Somehow the Opening Juxtapositions Have Already Lost Their Shine

The now-canon opening cross cut isn’t doing it for me this episode, so let’s skip it. Stefan and Damon head to the tomb to have a little chat with Katherine, who’s looking wan again, but at least someone brought her a sweater. They report their chat and the intel from Slater back to Elena: they can lift the curse (not sure if they mean the Petrova curse or all three) from the moonstone, essentially rendering it a useless object, which will save Elena. Katherine will turn over the stone in exchange for her freedom, a deal the brothers have no intention of honouring. Damon: “Yup, we’re awesome.”

I am sorry I didn’t get to this recap sooner, as it’s the first Season Six episode of Supernatural that isn’t Bobby- or Castiel-heavy that I loved. “Clap Your Hands if You Believe” actually starts out un-promisingly inasmuch as the X-Files rip will no doubt pale in comparison to the glory of “Changing Channels” and we already know that it’s not aliens, it’s faeries. On the other hand, how could Dean bellowing at Sam to “get those faeries” from the back of a black and white ever be a bad thing?

Let’s skip over most of the first twenty minutes, given what we know. Notable: Misha Collins’ credits only appearance and Soulless Sammy getting kind of hilariously angry at a lady who insists it isn’t aliens but faeries who have taken the fine citizens of Elwood, Indiana. Dean drags him off, and Soulless Sammy’s like, “What?” Dean: “Do you have to ask? Oh, you do have to ask.” Delusional Dean explains that the Sam of yore would have gifted the crazy lady with his Super Special Puppy Dog eyes. That hasn’t been true for years, and Dean admitted as much in “Jump the Shark,” but I can see how having Zombie Sam riding shotgun might have Dean wanting to return to a simpler, gentler, “too precious for this world” time. Soulless Sammy wonders if Dean wants him to fake having a soul. “Yes. Yes! Fake it. Fake it ‘til you make it.” And just like that, I love Dean again. Soulless Sammy points out that he was faking it before, and it was “exhausting” (how can you be exhausted yet not need sleep?).

Posing as journalists, Soulless Sammy and Dean question the Watchmaker, whose son was the first to get abducted. He’s suspicious enough that Soulless Sammy needs to be dragged off before he pulls out his daddy’s tools. Dean assigns Soulless Sammy to tail the Watchmaker while he investigates the crop circle where the abduction took place.

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “Katerina,” dealt us a heavy blow of exposition, but it was far more lively and interesting than boring ol’ “Memory Lane.” There was so much going on here that we better just dig right in.

“The” Curse

First, a bit of housekeeping: every time someone says “the curse,” you might think that they are talking about one curse, but you are wrong. Even saying “the sun and the moon curse” is still conflating ideas. From now on there are three (3!) curses : 1) the sun curse, aka the curse that restricts vampires to the night; 2) the moon curse that turns werewolves under the full moon; and 3) the Petrova curse. Speak of the devil . . .

Man alive, every episode of The Vampire Diaries should be like “Plan B:” shifting alliances, personal sacrifice, hot guys with no shirts on. Katherine continues to get me to care by being evil rather than sitting around talking about her love for Stefan, and it looks like Damon may have reason to hope he’ll win Elena yet.

Everyone Lives Happily Ever After

“Plan B” tries to win me over right away by 1) naming itself after one of the all time best episodes of Veronica Mars and 2) giving me another intercut intro like the one that kicked off “Bad Moon Rising.” It’s not as effective, but it’s still pretty good. Elena’s doing her best Bridget, staring Stefan awake while the rest of us wonder if this sleepover is really a good idea. Stefan teasingly points out that the difference between “gazing adoringly” and “staring creepily” is pretty thin, and the making out commences. Over at some charming old B&B that no doubt makes Katherine feel nostalgic, she and shirtless Mason are also in the midst of a morning make out and chat about the moonstone, which Mason has hidden and which Katherine claims means “everyone lives happily ever after” once she gets her hands on it. If I were Mason, that would be my cue to run. Katherine is, of course, wearing a black push-up bra while Elena is in a comparatively demure pink camisole, but don’t think we don’t notice the way Katherine’s bound up in that sheet soap opera-style, show. Elena cuts the making out off because she has to grab a shower (Stefan: Great, let’s go) before swinging by the Lockwoods to help decorate for next week’s masquerade ball which will no doubt have Katherine and Elena confusion and people revealing their real feelings to the wrong person in the general masquerade madness. What? I’ve watched TV before. What a coincidence, faux-marvels Stefan. He has to go help set up, too. The audience is reminded that our lovebirds will have to keep their distance for appearances’ sake, then Elena grabs a pin and much-more-reasonably-than-last-time pricks her finger tip for Stefan’s daily blood dose. Stefan looks both greedy and guilty as he reaches for her finger. Instead of looking pained or disgusted, Elena looks pleased. Mason and Katherine just keep getting it on because they are sexy adults. I think Stefan could have had the same result if he had taken the shirt off.

Last week's Gossip Girl, "Goodbye Columbia," offered the usual scheming and machinations by Chuck and Blair, eye-popping stupidity for Vanessa and Nate, and stupendous lack of awareness for Serena. I would complain, but this (and the insane clothes) is why we watch the show, is it not?

Scheming: I Almost Forgot How Much I Used to Enjoy Your Pie

Blair's deluded herself into thinking that Columbia's campus will provide an oasis from her war with Chuck. Naturally, this incantation summons Chuck to campus: he's "auditing a few classes" for . . . something . . . related to the Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda. Amazingly, Blair's reaction is pretty much, "Buh?", so Chuck starts explaining a rotunda in a way not dissimilar to the time he cut Gabriel (who's amazing in The Social Network, btw) off with "I think we all know what a Ponzi scheme is." Blair's shock, however, is to seeing her oasis so quickly revealed as a mirage, and this will not be the last time this episode the Chuck has to explain the concept of war to Blair.

Last Friday's Supernatural, "The Third Man," gave the fans some of what they are looking for (shirtless Winchesters, great gore, the return of Castiel) but somehow still managed to miss the mark. On the plus side, I think I'm starting to get a handle on what's missing. 

In Easter, PA, a cop goes from nicking himself shaving to bleeding out every which place to totally liquefying in the locker room. Amazing!

Dean's snoozing in bed with no shirt on, then wakes up for some morning nookie with Lisa. Yup, that's a dream. In the meantime, shirtless Sammy is going through his morning workout routine while his hooker from the night before freshens up, offers a full service freebie, and gets denied. Not a dream. Also, fanservice!

Having watched and had the opportunity to sit with Supernatural's season six opener, "Exile on Main St.," I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Exit Eric Kripke, exit his five year plan, exit the show's lifeblood. Entre Sera Gamble, a writer/story editor/producer who's been with the show from the start, to bring it through its sixth and final season. It's a tough row to hoe, no doubt about it. But where is she going with it?

Something or someone pulled Sam up and Grandpa Samuel down (and I have my issues with this), and they've been hunting for a year while Dean plays house with Lisa and Ben. He's good at it, too, having a few beers with the doomed neighbour and not drinking quite so much malt liquor at home. But then there are the weird slashes he keeps seeing around town, the sulfur at the base of a garden shed. Suddenly Yellow Eyes is there, a terrifying vision that Dean will never shake. Or at least not until Not At All Dead Sammy comes up and plunges a hypodermic needle into his chest.

There's a monster of the week, a family of Djinn who wants revenge for "What Is and What Should Never Be." Family's a big thing this season. Seems there were plenty of distant Campbells ready to take up hunting after Mary's line seemingly petered out (nice of you to reach out to John when he took up the job, assholes). They beat the Djinn, secretly (from Darling Revenant Sammy) taking one hostage for torture or whatever other nefarious purpose (one cousin did have a handsome set of chains set up in his truck), and Dean opts to stick it out with Lisa and Ben now that he's found something new to feel guilty about to protect them from the danger he invited into their lives. He does offer Sam the Metallicar (poor baby's hidden away under a tarp), but Sam's sticking to his Mustang (?). He's got it set up just the way he likes it. I have a feeling it smells a little nicer, too. Unless he's been eating burritos.

Last night’s The Vampire Diaries, “Bad Moon Rising,” gave us our first glimpse of the Lockwood curse in full form (ooo, guess what they are?), but it also showcased the Brothers Salvatore throwing themselves in harm’s way for the sake of beautiful ladies, a tragic break up, and a ROAD TRIP! Also, naked Mason. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Lycanthropy: It’s Classier than Saying Werewolf

Our opener features some nice juxtaposition: Stefan, Elena, and Damon fill Alaric (yay!) in on the latest in supernatural weirdness (Lockwoods), hoping to gain access to Isobel’s mystical Mystic Falls research while we watch Tyler stalk a running Mason through the woods. Mason checks something out at the old Lockwood plantation (which burned down, hmm), and Tyler finds a cellar of sorts with heavy duty chains and deep scratches on the walls. Alaric reveals that he never picked any of Isobel’s stuff up from Duke, so it’s time for a ROAP TRIP! And while I love a good road trip, we only saw Isobel working on a laptop at home. Surely Alaric has access to plenty of her files already.

Lots of holy shit moments in last night’s True Blood, “I Smell a Rat,” largely associated with confessions rather than dramatic actions: Tara comes clean about what happened to her, Jason comes clean about Eggs, Crystal comes clean about what she is, Arlene comes clean about the baby’s father, Jesus and Lafayette take a spiritual journey through their past. Also: Sookie is a fairy.

Sookie is a Fairy, and Eric is a Farmer

Bill’s in the midst of telling her this, while Sookie’s all, “Shut the front door,” but the minute he invokes Claudine’s name, Sookie’s ready to listen. Bill instantly recognized Sunshine Town as Bon Temps Cemetery and found out from Claudine that Sookie is a fairy. Every vampire who knows the truth wants a piece of Sookie because 1) the fay were wiped out years ago by vampires as 2) their blood is so intoxicating. Indeed, Bill finds Sookie’s blood the most delicious he has ever tasted.  So, she’s la tua cantante but for every vampire. Anyway, Bill’s happy to foreswear her blood forever just to prove his love for her (also: self-denial is his second favourite thing after self-loathing). Sookie just looks wide-eyed and misty at all of this.

Because three vampire posts in a row are better than two, let's all take a moment to admire Rolling Stone's True Blood cover for their September issue, shall we?

The only question is, will this implied threeway come to pass on the show? Okay, there are other questions like, "If Alexander Skarsgaard doesn't wear a sock, why does Stephen?" and "How do I get the job standing around splashing these guys with more blood?" and "How many sit ups went into this shoot?" There just aren't any other relevant  questions.

Franklin returned last night to utter those words, though they apply to several of the characters in “Everything is Broken:” Eric and his massacred family and Russell and Talbot are the most obvious, but Hoyt and Jessica, Arlene and René, even Nan Flanagan and the VRA get in on the action. After last week’s cry, cry, cry, we’re getting further into the chaos that will hopefully be resolved by season’s end. Also, Bill knows what Sookie is!

The Authority Disavows Any Knowledge of Your Millennium Old Revenge Quest

Eric zips into Fantasia shirt undone, blood spattered across his head and torso, clutching his father’s crown in his fist. “Where can we hide?” he demands of a startled Pam. She recovers quickly from learning he slaughtered the King of Mississippi’s lover and suggests a human home. Eric shouts down Pam’s suggestion of Sookie’s, where they’ve both been invited in, so they call Ginger (Ginger! So glad to see that you’re still alive!) in. She’d surely let them lie low if it weren’t for the Vamp Feds currently crawling all over the club. Eric puts on his hot guy uniform (black tank) to confront them, but the mere sight of Nan Flanagan is enough to set off one of Ginger’s signature screaming fits. Ah, Ginger.

There was plenty of “Trouble” to be had in last night’s True Blood: Sam finally got a clue about his grody bio-family, Russell finally got a clue about Sookie’s real deal, and Eric finally got the Operation Werewolf clue he was looking for.

Franklin, Tara, and Talbot have moved from the foyer to the dining room, where Franklin is busy crossing Tara’s legs and fluffing her hair and generally treating her like a Real Doll. Pretty soon Franklin and Talbot are hissing at each other, fangs out, so that’s when the thoroughly bloodied Russell, Lorena, and Bill wander in, the former two laughing and the latter one making sad Bill faces like he always does. I love that blood doesn’t wash on this show. It’s all over them. On Lorena’s back, even! Sidebar: I recently re-watched the Buffy pilot, “Welcome to the Hellmouth” and “The Harvest,” and it was a curiously bloodless affair. I’m so accustomed to grue that I kind of surprised at the innocence of it all. Even Stefan had blood dripping from his mouth on the CW (née the WB) this year. Anyway, Tara’s all, “WTF, Bill? HELP ME!” Bill: “No.” Credits!

Franklin and Tara, Together Forever

[Ed. note: Post delayed due to Bluesfest]

Sunday’s episode of True Blood, “9 Crimes,” was, as always, filled with ideas we can barely get our heads around: Eric’s continued emotionality, Bill’s continued hotness, Sam’s continued stupidity. Fortunately, we have Sookie’s continued insanity, Jason’s continued stupidity, and Tara’s continued worst life ever to pull our feet back to the ground. Not Eric’s, though, since he goes flying around way more than usual. All this and a shirtless Alcide. Is there anything on television quite like True Blood?

Mississippi Werewolves and the Vampires Who Feed Them

No The Good Guys recap today, but much better Fox-related news: sexy Javier Bardem will appear next season on Glee as a rock star who befriends Artie (Kevin McHale). He will rock some Spanish heavy metal, which is apparently "the worst." I can only hope that Javier Bardem + rock star = leather pants. Perhaps another fantasy dance sequence can be worked in for Artie.

Last night's episode of True Blood, "It Hurts Me, Too," was filled with lots of important lessons: how to dispose of dead bodies, how to conceal the identities of dead bodies, how to use dead bodies to manipulate people. In addition to dead bodies, "It Hurts Me, Too" also contained the two weirdest sex scenes this show has ever had and the werewolf equivalent of Fangtasia. Show, don't ever change.

Dead Body Disposal: Find a Fresh Grave

Sookie fires her gun, but Eric jumps in the bullet's path. They need the werewolf alive to question him. The scent of Eric's blood returns the wolf to human form, and it's the same stringy haired dude from outside Merlotte's. He starts sucking down Eric's blood, but Eric manages to get the upper hand long enough to demand who his master is. They tussle. The wolf tries to bolt, so Sookie shoots him in the leg. The wolf refuses to give up his master's name, knowing he's dead either way, so Eric agrees by ripping the wolf's throat out. From the look on Eric's face after he takes a bite, werewolf tastes nasty. Eric looks up at Sookie, blood rapidly pooling, "I got your rug all wet." Dirty! Also, I can't believe the Stackhouse rez has any carpets in it, given how often they would need to be scrubbed. Hardwood flooring is the only way to go.

[Ed. note: Technical difficulties prevented this post from going up sooner.]

In last night's True Blood, "Beautifully Broken," several amazing things happened: the king of Mississippi rode a horse, someone finally made eyes at Lafayette, Godric was back, Sam met his parents, Bill killed Lorena, and Sookie invited Eric in. All that and sexy James Frain? Damn, show. There really is nothing like it on television.

Bill's on a Horse