Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Last Day,” proved two things: Damon is love’s bitch, and there’s little anyone can do to stop Klaus. Not that I think Elena is going to die (I’ve watched TV before, babies), but there’s no telling what the exact outcome will be. Also, the CW Rochester STILL has flippin’ sound problems during VD broadcasts. Get it together, network.

Magic Elixir Does the Body Good

The ep opens with shirtless Damon, and one of my viewing companions opines that all eps should start this way. Downstairs in front of Eternal Fireplace, Elijah is recapping the truth about the curse for Stefan and now Damon. Damon’s all about power player Bonnie, but Elena – natch – is still tweaking about her best girl dying. Damon: “I'll write her a great eulogy.”  I can only imagine! “In the months since I tried to rip Bonnie’s throat out, we developed a steamy sexual chemistry that forced us to no longer share the screen because the writers weren’t pushing a dirty, dirty vamp-witchy romance. I sure as hell thought about it, but it didn’t happen. Anyway, turns out she was cool beans. Now she’s dead. See ya, Bon-Bon! Have fun with other Bitches of Eastwick serving nature in the great beyond!”

I just watched last week’s The Vampire Diaries last night, so I don’t really have time to give “Klaus” the full recap treatment. But! I do need to talk about how the sun and the moon curse doesn’t exist because this shit is genius.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t too jazzed about a Klaus backstory ep. It seems like filler to me. I should have known better, though, because Vampire Diaries don’t play that way. “Klaus” wasn’t as action packed as “The Last Dance” or my hero “Masquerade,” but it did give us the answer we’ve all been waiting for: why the curse matters to Klaus. As an Original, he’s not bound by the sun, so what else is there? I’ll tell you what: there is no sun and moon curse. There is only one curse, it’s only on Klaus, and it’s to quell his vampire-werewolf hybrid nature. YES! He’s Scott Speedman in Underworld! Sadly not played by Scott Speedman, but still. Here’s how that goes.

Klaus and his six brothers and sisters, including ELIJAH, make up the Originals. Don’t ask me how because Elijah didn’t want to get into the specifics. Except Klaus, you see, is the product of an affair between their mother and the father of a werewolf clan (werewolves predate vampires, it turns out). A vampire-werewolf hybrid is too powerful and has no natural balance, so the servants of nature (i.e. witches, now called eco-warriors) put a curse on Klaus to limit him to vampire. Klaus seeks to break the curse because it’s all about power. It’s all about power being, of course, a conclusion I can get behind.