Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Last Day,” proved two things: Damon is love’s bitch, and there’s little anyone can do to stop Klaus. Not that I think Elena is going to die (I’ve watched TV before, babies), but there’s no telling what the exact outcome will be. Also, the CW Rochester STILL has flippin’ sound problems during VD broadcasts. Get it together, network.

Magic Elixir Does the Body Good

The ep opens with shirtless Damon, and one of my viewing companions opines that all eps should start this way. Downstairs in front of Eternal Fireplace, Elijah is recapping the truth about the curse for Stefan and now Damon. Damon’s all about power player Bonnie, but Elena – natch – is still tweaking about her best girl dying. Damon: “I'll write her a great eulogy.”  I can only imagine! “In the months since I tried to rip Bonnie’s throat out, we developed a steamy sexual chemistry that forced us to no longer share the screen because the writers weren’t pushing a dirty, dirty vamp-witchy romance. I sure as hell thought about it, but it didn’t happen. Anyway, turns out she was cool beans. Now she’s dead. See ya, Bon-Bon! Have fun with other Bitches of Eastwick serving nature in the great beyond!”

Oh, The Vampire Diaries, how we’ve missed you. Thanks for “The Sacrifice.” Everyone’s protecting everyone else all over that place: Bonnie, Jeremy, Stefan, and Damon all get in on a plan to save Elena, so you know our brave little toaster’s going to turn right around and try to save all of them. Which leaves Caroline and Tyler to save each other, which in turn leaves poor Matt out in the cold. And because he doesn’t want to feel left out, Alaric sacrifices his shirt. Atta boy.

Somehow the Opening Juxtapositions Have Already Lost Their Shine

The now-canon opening cross cut isn’t doing it for me this episode, so let’s skip it. Stefan and Damon head to the tomb to have a little chat with Katherine, who’s looking wan again, but at least someone brought her a sweater. They report their chat and the intel from Slater back to Elena: they can lift the curse (not sure if they mean the Petrova curse or all three) from the moonstone, essentially rendering it a useless object, which will save Elena. Katherine will turn over the stone in exchange for her freedom, a deal the brothers have no intention of honouring. Damon: “Yup, we’re awesome.”

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “Katerina,” dealt us a heavy blow of exposition, but it was far more lively and interesting than boring ol’ “Memory Lane.” There was so much going on here that we better just dig right in.

“The” Curse

First, a bit of housekeeping: every time someone says “the curse,” you might think that they are talking about one curse, but you are wrong. Even saying “the sun and the moon curse” is still conflating ideas. From now on there are three (3!) curses : 1) the sun curse, aka the curse that restricts vampires to the night; 2) the moon curse that turns werewolves under the full moon; and 3) the Petrova curse. Speak of the devil . . .