Ho, boy. Last night’s True Blood, “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?” had a whole lot of only a few of things: horrible Crystal in horrible Hot Shot, approximately 1000 new faces from Puppy Eric, and rape. Talking about it, threatening it, seeing it happen. If you know me, then you know that’s my line, so I don’t know how I am going to deal with the fallout. I’ll probably comfort myself with the triumphant return of Alcide.

This is . . . my house?

Out by the side of the road, the camera makes sure to lovingly pan up from Puppy Eric’s bare feet (called it!), revel in his naked torso, and come to rest on his handsome, confused face. Fangs out, he wonders anew why Sookie smells so good, but this time he’s a little more descriptive: “Like wheat (sniff) and honey (sniff) and sunshine.” Sookie: “You know perfectly well why I smell . . . the way that I do.” She punctuates this with a pert little nod, like, this topic is no longer open for discussion, and I marvel at the idea that Sookie/Anna Paquin was ever considered a weak link on this show. We couldn’t be luckier to have her, folks. Puppy Eric, however, pays no never mind to the naysayers and leans into the car to, I don’t know, take a big whiff. Sookie hits the gas, makes it all of a couple of hundred feet while watching Puppy Eric in the rear view, then stops when she doesn’t see him anymore. Forsooth, Sookie. Try to remember that time he punched a giant dent into the front of your car. Was that her car or was it Bill’s? If it was her’s, you know he got that fixed up, too. Do you think it’s significant that her car and her house are yellow? Is it related to her sunshiny-ness? Item reserved. So Sookie’s looking around when Puppy Eric reappears and pounces on her through her open window. Sookie screams us into the credits.

OH SHIT! If you watched last week’s The Vampire Dairies, “The Dinner Party,” and didn’t yell “OH SHIT!” at least once, something is wrong with you. Can you kill an Original is the question on everyone’s mind tonight, and, boy, does that question get answered. Spectacularly.  I don’t even want to say anything else, lest I give too much away before the jump, so let’s say this: Nobody, and I mean NO BODY, does sweeps like The Vampire Diaries. Show, marry me.

Jeremy and Bonnie’s Plot is Short, So Let’s Hit It

Jeremy and Bonnie are, mysteriously, in public and not off having sex after their way hot kiss last week. I don’t understand Bonnie’s resolve when it comes to that boy. Last week one of my viewing companions pointed out that something Steven R. McQueen excels at is acting just completely thunderstruck by whoever Jeremy is into that week. I concur. Luka’s all, “Hey, what did you do to me?” And Bonnie can’t very well be like, “Tapped your brain for secrets. Sorry about your sister!”, so she plays dumb. It goes over like a lead balloon, so Jeremy jumps in all, “Stay away from my woman!”

Last night’s Gossip Girl, “It-Girl Happened One Night,” sadly does not feature anyone hiking up her skirt in order to hitch a ride. It does, however, feature a Valentine’s vendetta, a really ugly side of Chuck, and further Damien menace. Also Blair and Dan, if you care about that sort of thing.

Blair doesn’t care about your photo-cles

Serena apparently wanders around in a men’s dress shirt and knee socks regardless of where she wakes up. Aw, she buys her own men’s dress shirts! So Blair’s been très busy at W, and it’s either the day before Valentine’s Day or the day before that or even the day itself (we all know how time works on the UES), but the point is that she’s working a lot, so Serena never sees her. Still, they sit down in Blair’s bed and love on each other for a while. Serena gets a plot for the episode by revealing that she and Ben decided not to spend VD together because their relationship is new and doesn’t need the pressure. And while I agree that they don’t, I don’t see why it didn’t occur to them to do something small and simple, nor why Blair didn’t suggest it. Perhaps because she’s too busy reminiscing about the “own private bacchanal,” sans goats, that she and Chuck has last year. Also -- and this is a big continuity problem if you ask me -- Blair still thinks that Chuck’s relationship with Raina is a fake and that they will find their way back to each other eventually. While I agree with the latter, poor Blair to think the former. Also, it sounded a bit like she was talking about Serena and Dan, which grossed me out for even thinking it.