RuPaul's Drag Race: The Fabulous Bitch Ball 

Last week, the ladies (including a briefly re-appearing Kenya Michaels) got to frock some dads, with mixed results. The incoherent Kenya Michaels was sent home again, and no one cares again. The girls talk briefly about how Latrice has been in the bottom twice, but also about how Chad has never had to lip sync for his liiife. To be fair to Sharon, she only had to in that Frenemies week where she was relying on her arch-enemy, Phi Phi O'Hara. 

DILFs: Dad's I'd like to Frock

Last week, a very political challenge exposed the weakness in Dida Ritz (that weakness being her lack of style and boringsauce personality). Sharon Needles won the challenge for her frighteningly accurate portrayal of some recent female political candidates. Also last week, Ru announced that one of the departed queens would be coming back into the competition. It turns out that Michelle and Santino selected the incomprehensible Kenya Michaels to return. This seems like as good a choice as any, because at least she brings a professional look. 

RuPaul's Drag Race: Frock the Vote

 Last week, Willam won the challenge, but was kicked off the show for "breaking a rule" of the show. We don't know what said rule was, but she is outta here. We won't find out what rule was broken until the reunion show, which is a damn shame. 

Frenemies

Last week, Phi Phi O'Hara finally did well and won a challenge. Jiggly Caliente was sent sashaying away, probably a few episodes late. SheMail arrives and it is a strange one where Ms. Ru fights with her frenemy…who is Ms. Ru. Mr. Ru introduces the mini-challenge, which is a fun one where the girls have to take a lie detector test. The most hilarious question is repeated in some form for each player. "If X were the last ladyboy on earth, would you kai kai with her". Yes, I had to look up the spelling and possible use of that. It turns out everyone would kai kai with Latrice. Good things to know. These lie detectors are used to gauge the girls' personalities, and then they are paired up with another girl that they are different from. The pairs are Dida Ritz & Chad Michaels, Latrice Royale & Willam, and Phi Phi & Sharon. The challenge is to stage a production of some new original song. The big twist is that they won't be syncing the song, they will be singing it live. For many of these girls, this is a problem because they don't sing. 

During the Ru visit, we learn that the ladies will be judged as a team, so the bottom team will have to lip sync for their liiiives against each other. That adds some interesting drama to the mix. The next day, the teams get a chance to work with Ru's music partner and producer, Lucian Piane, who will give them feedback on their numbers. Details of each of the rehearsals are below, but in general, none of the people know the song well enough. 

Dragazines 

Previously on RuPaul's Drag Race, Milan was a bit of a mess again, and was sent home. Jiggly was also in the bottom, and we learned that he is a balding dude. Willam won the Pride float challenge, and was generally annoying.  

SheMail arrives, and it is all about libraries today. That's right, these gals are getting read. As we learned in past seasons, "reading" is kind of like roasting. It involves slamming your fellow queen with details about how they are slutty, ugly, fat, or whatever. It isn't as mean-spirited as it sounds, and all of the girls seem to enjoy it. 

RuPaul's Drag Race: Float Your Boat

Last week, Chad Michaels blew us away with his dead-on Cher impersonation. Kenya Michaels was sent sashaying away for not knowing who Beyoncé was and for being incoherent. I can't say we'll miss her. Phi Phi was told to step it the eff up, and we are really over her. 

The mini challenge this week is a wet t-shirt contest. The ladies each get a new silicone breast plate from some hilarious website that donated them. The contest is various degrees of frightening, and we see Latrice's blurred business. Latrice also does the freaking splits, which I am always impressed with.   

Last week, Madame LaQueer was sent home, just as we learned she was sort of annoying. This week brings us a great RuPaul's Drag Race tradition in the form of Snatch Game, and you should all check this episode out.  

The mini-challenge is called Beat the Cock, and the ladies compete in rooster and hen themed tasks. It is absurd, as usual. Phi Phi wins at pinning the rooster on Ru's face, Dida Ritz successfully blows a feather across a room, and Milan wins a ring toss game. Those three compete in a final challenge that is a variation of an egg and spoon race. I'll not go into more details. Phi Phi wins a phone call home, and Chad Michaels is sad because it is his anniversary with his partner. In a rare moment of humanity (at least on the show), Phi Phi gives up his call to Chad. 

Ru introduces the Snatch Game challenge. Snatch Game is Ru's version of the 1970s classic game show Match Game. If you ever get the chance to see an episode of the original Match Game, check that stuff out. Gene Rayburn basically corrals 6 celebrities (who may or may not be drunk) and makes them answer dumb questions while horrified house wives play along. It is great stuff. Snatch Game is the drag version of this, with celebrity impressions.  

Glamazons vs. Champions 

Last week, adorably dumb LaShauwn Beyond was sent home for his lack of confidence on the mainstage and because Billy B. hated him. Lame. But he wasn't going to make it very far. 

SheMail arrives and Ms. Ru is talking about all of her songs like "Covergirl," and "Glamazon". Mr. Ru shares a video of a fan of Ru's named Piyah Martell who was born without legs. The queens are touched by her story and have to create a butterfly-inspired headress in her honour. They are varying degrees of fabulous, with Latrice Royale and Milan's number not even staying on the mannequin head. Phi Phi, Kenya and Jiggly take the win. Phi Phi and Kenya win a coin toss to be team captains. 

CHAIR! So close, and yet so far. Yup, that's about what I got out to last night's Gossip Girl, "Riding in Town Cars with Boys." Otherwise, Nate and Serena make the same plan they always make, only Dan's in this time; Ivy finally finds a reason to get out of Dodge already; and Rufus continues to be Goofus to the nth degree. Let's go over the highlights!

All you need is one

Apparently, all you need to become a super-successful newsman in NYC and the Vanderbilt’s last, great hope to lead the family is one editorial. At least that's what Nate's latest plot has taught me. Grandfather's ousted the still delicious Tripp from the position of crown prince thanks to an editorial (seriously. Because the paper isn't a daily or anything, so you only need to write one total editorial). So Tripp tattles to Nate that he isn't exactly the super-successful newsman he thinks he is, what with the Grandfather underwriting everything and putting Diana up to it. Nate is pissed, but then he forgets to be pissed because he's off to some wondrous high business/high debauchery retreat with Grandfather by the end of the episode. Also, somehow Max figures into Tripp's plans. Highlights: Toss up between Chuck telling Nate he was almost aroused by the one total editorial or the reverent look on Chuck's face when he repeats the name of the retreat (Allen Camp?). I started to wonder by boy-billionaire Bass hadn't already gotten his invite, then shuddered at the memory of the sex Narnia/Elle debacle. Except for one small part: CARTER BAIZEN! Oh, come back, I miss your pouty mouth.

The finals are here! It seems like we have been at this for a very long time. And by we, I mean me. Hope Solo was thankfully sent home last week, leaving us with three deserving finalists. We have the inspiring J.R. Martinez (a veteran who was badly injured while serving the U.S. military), former talk show host Ricki Lake, and relative of "famous" people, Rob Kardashian. If you had told me when we started this season that I wouldn't be actively rooting against Rob this week, I would not have believed you. He still isn't my favourite, but he has worked hard and earned his spot in the finals. Also, I love his partner, Cheryl. For the finale show (which is thankfully just one hour), each of the couples have just two dances including a fun freestyle round, and they get to have a teaching session with one of our esteemed judges as well.  

Ricki Lake and Derek (Cha Cha Cha):

Last week, David Arquette was sent home, before both Nancy Grace and Hope Solo. Lamesauce! He was by no means the strongest dancer, but he had the personality and effort sorely lacking in the two women I just mentioned. The group dance was probably a big part of his undoing, which is a shame. I will miss seeing Courtney Cox in the audience. This week we have the old "instant dance", which is where the couple don't receive the music to one of their dances until 20 minutes before they perform. In the past, this has led to some mixed results, with some thriving under the pressure, and others visibly cracking. I assume tonight will be no different. 

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl (Quickstep): Cheryl is cracking the whip this week, with the goal of making sure Rob gets into the semis. I assume all of the pros will be taking this approach. Their quickstep is to a slightly odd song, which is "Take on Me" by A-ha. The song just sort of isn't fast enough for the dance or something. Their fast footwork parts are to the chorus, which is the slow, drawn out "taaaaaaaaaake on meeeeeee". It just doesn't match up somehow. That being said, I think the dance was strong and it seemed like Rob was on top of it. Len really liked it, once they got into hold. Bruno says something incoherent. He is happy with Rob's ass this week. Carrie Ann has some ridiculous bangs going on this week, and they are like all up in her eyes. Like that muppet. She thinks he has improved tremendously. Scores: 9,9,9.

Yikes! All of the couples are in frightening costumes in honour of this spookiest of evenings. Tom introduces himself as Tom Boooogeron, which is awesome. Brooke is wearing a dumb black wig. I can't believe we are down to the top 6, and I can't believe Nancy Grace is among them. 

Last week, Chaz was finally sent home, probably two weeks later than he should have been. I loved his effort, and he is a really interesting person, but he wasn't a good dancer. 

 David Arquette and Kym (Cha Cha Cha): These two are doing a dracula-themed cha cha that uses magic too. Fun stuff. It starts off a bit lame, because the clip package promised that David would be doing some cool magic. There are some other cool effects in the dance, though. Like when fringe on Kym's dress just appears while she is spinning, and when a spider web appears at the end. The dance itself is ok. For David, it is pretty controlled, but also fairly uneven. Len thought it was very fun and original. Bruno says David was a natural at turning tricks. Carrie Ann thinks David's improvement has been phenomenal. Ah…they reveal in the Brooke interview that the trick we were supposed to see got lost backstage before the routine. How sad. Scores: 8,8,8.

Last week, Carson was sent home because of low scores and bad dancing. This week, it is Broadway time at DWTS. Exciting. The show opens with a number from the new Broadway musical Sister Act. It is fun, but I don't think anyone other than the main lady are actually singing, which is strange for Broadway. Apparently Kristin Chenoweth is here as a special guest. Score!

DWTS: 80s Week!

Last week, Chynna completely forgot her routine, and was sent home. She was a decent dancer, but I think she just had relatively few fans to keep her in it. It is surprising again that she went before Chaz, Carson, and Nancy, just because they are clearly weaker dancers. That being said, she did completely forget her routine. 

Despite rocking all over the place the week prior, Alaric is nowhere to be seen in last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Reckoning.” I guess he needed to recharge the AWESOME before dropping it on us again (next time!). In the meantime, Caroline’s obsession with doing normal, fun, teenage things ends disastrously (yet again) for pretty much everyone involved: Matt, Elena, Tyler, Bonnie, Stefan, and Klaus and Rebekah to a certain extent. Even Damon gets his feelings hurt. Things go slightly better for Katherine, but it’s really only a matter of time.

Mystic Falls is Afraid of Locks

So Matt is working out at high school by himself at night. I'm pretty sure you can't just bust into the weight room like that. To the point where we needed supervision just to use it during normal school hours at my high school. But we all know the townsfolk of Mystic Falls don’t stand on little things like legal liability. A shadow runs by, and Matt runs after it because he is so sad that even ghost friends seem like a good company to him. Instead, he finds Tyler, Caroline, Bonnie, and Elena setting up mousetraps all over the floor in an empty classroom because . . . it’s senior prank night. And none of his alive (or undead, in Caroline’s case) friends invited him. Thanks, guys? And you wonder why Matt is so lonely that he WANTS to be friends with a ghost. Outside of Casper, of course. We all want to be friends with Casper, right? Devon Sawa was so cute back then!

Last week, Kristin Cavallari was sent home, even though she had markedly better scores than both Chaz and Nancy Grace. She was really forgettable, and I hate Mark Ballas. This week, the previews have promised us some Cher, and she better show up, or I am going to be piiiiiiissssed. The gimmick this week is "Let's go to the Movies", where the dancers will be rocking it out to movie scores. 

There is an opening number featuring some of the pros in reserve, and it is both boring and awkward.

Chynna and Tony (Tango): They are dancing to the score from Mission: Impossible, and they seem to have a bit of tension in the rehearsal. Chynna asks a lot of dumb questions and seems to be annoying Tony. Tony starts the dance in a harness above the stage and then drops at like 1 mile an hour. It is not very cool. Chynna's tango dress is cut right up past her business and looks very slutty. I am not sure what is going on in the dance, but it is super slow and I think Chynna messes up at least three or four times. It is really one of the worst tangoes I have seen in a long time. Bad choreography, bad dancing. Len: "It all went up the Swanee River". Chynna knows it. Bruno says she was hot, but lost the entire dance. Carrie Ann knows she got lost, and thought she held her composure. Scores: 7,7,7. Holy crap, that was overscored.

Last week, Elisabetta went home, and thank goodness, because she was super boring. The gimmick for tonight's show is that the stars will each tell a personal story through their dances. 

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl (Foxtrot): Rob is dancing about the time when he lost his dad. I can really tell that Rob isn't a naturally a good dancer, but Cheryl is such a great teacher, that he pulls off a deacon routine. The wardrobe department has done the impossible and made tiny Cheryl Burke look really quite plump. The dance is pretty, flows nicely, and has an appropriate amount of emotion to it. Len thinks he was properly dashing. Bruno thinks he had a good amount of Frank Sinatra's charm. Carrie Ann is seeing great progress. Scores: 8,8,8

Chynna Phillips and Tony (Rumba): Chynna is dancing about the year her one hit "Hold On" came out and the year she gave up alcohol. She is dancing to that song, which seems a bit hokey.  The rumba is such a dumb dance, I never really enjoy them. Given that starting point, Chynna's is fine. It is very slow and dramatic, and over the top with the hokey. Bruno thinks it was seductive and stylish. Carrie Ann loves her lines and her connection to the music. Len thinks she just took the competition to a new level. Really? I just found it boring. Scores: 8,9,9

Last week, the weird Ron Artest was sent home. Thank goodness…he was strange and uninteresting at the same time. The previews this week promise star-meltdowns and (spoiler alert) Nancy Grace's boob. How fun! Let's get to it. Brooke Burke has 90s prom hair, which is not so pretty. 

Hope Solo and Maks (Jive): Maks and Hope have chosen Toms as their team shoe. How hipster of them. If there is a dance for Hope to excel at, it has to be the Jive, right? Fast, athletic, fun? The result here is less than awesome. Maks has chosen goofy and dumb costumes that are distracting, and you can really see Hope counting through the steps and grinding out the moves very physically. I said last week that she wasn't very light on her feet (no surprise for an athlete), but it is really apparent here. Len flashes a gang sign and then says it was crisp, but they lost their timing. I agree that it was sloppy. Bruno thinks it wasn't precise at all. Carrie Ann liked the energy of the performance, but thinks Hope needs to relax a bit. 

Scores: 6,7,6

We are back with another season of people who are not really "stars" and who can't really dance. I for one, am excited. They did grab a few big names this season, including Chaz Bono (awesome, please bring your mom to a show right now), David Arquette (entertainly nutty), Ricki Lake (Um, hell yeah), and Nancy Grace (I do not understand her). The show got a fancy new set for this season, and it seems gigantic. We have one or two new pros, and the return of Derek Hough, which is exciting. Big props to our favourite host, Tom Bergeron, for his recent Emmy. He beat out my girl Cat Deeley, but the Emmy folks didn't think the audience needed to see this category, so it was fairly anti-climactic. 

Ron Artest and Peta (Cha Cha Cha): This guy is apparently a basketball star, and he looks nutty. He is super tall, and has just changed his name to something stupid that I will not be writing down. Peta is one of the new pros, which has to be a bit tough. Many of the other pros (Derek, Cheryl, Kym) have a fan base in their own right. Let's get to the dance. It is certainly clear that this is a first week dance. It is slow, awkward, and barely resembles a cha cha cha. Ron is barely remembering the steps, but he gets points for trying to have fun with it. The judges are not impressed at all. Len thinks it was terrible, Bruno says something incoherent, and Carrie Ann thinks Ron is sexy. Scores: 5,4,5. 

Here's something: I discovered/realized that I never posted or even wrote a recap for The Vampire Diaries' Season 2 finale, "As I Lay Dying," but I did keep my notes. I type them while I watch, as my viewing companions can attest. With the exception of correcting a typo or two, I've decided to post them for you in full, so you can use them as a quick reminder before Season 3 kicks off tonight. Also because I'm hardly going to write a full recap at this late date. 

• A full minute of previouslies!
• Elena watches Jer sleep . . . I guess she's just checking on him, but it's weird. Mostly because of the artful streaming light.
• Damon shows up teary-eyed to apologize. Elena needs time and maybe a lot of it before she'll be ready. "Sure, of course. Take all the time you need."
• Damon enjoys an old bottle o'booze he's clearly been saving and pulls off his ring front of a window.
• Stefan jumps him hard core!
• And tosses him in the cellar of self-pity!
• Always the hero, Stefan. Just tell me goodbye and get it over with.
• Klaus wakes up naked in the woods and says to his brother, "That was amazing." While his brother casually rains down clothes.
• He was a wolf a full two days.
• Klaus won't give up the info.
• Alaric is wicked drunk at the Grill when Stefan calls him about Damon: What do you need? AW.
• Caroline insists that they persevere at a outside screening of Gone With the Wind.
• Stefan and Bonnie hold a seance, and Bonnie starts channeling Emily.
• That's not balance; that's punishment.
• The bitches of eastwick give Bonnie stabbing pains because they think she's abusing her powers, but she manages to catch one word: Klaus.
• Of course it is. Fucking Klaus.
• Lady Mayor shows up making demands of Sheriff to deal with the town's vampire problems, as she is not keeping the town safe. Dun!
• Look who couldn't resist an epic romance.
• Stefan gives Elena the truth about Damon, so she can make it right/accept his apologies.
• Damon's hallucinating back to his Katherine days, and Elena shows up to point out that Katherine was only ever using him.
• Stefan starts with Alaric's, which is indeed still infested with Katherine and Klaus. Too bad Klaus just stabbed him with a silver blade. And now he's got Stef up against a post. Hmm.
• Stake to Stefan's stomach! Even tortured, Stefan thinks of his brother: just give me the cure, and I'll do whatever you want.
• You are just shy of useless.
• My subconscious is haunting me, Ric.
• Alaric doesn't blame Damon for Jenna.
• Give me your glass. Neither one of us is drunk enough for this conversation.
• Kill me, please.
• Screw you.
• Elena arrives, but the Sheriff is there to cause trouble with her deputies.
• Sheriff locks Alaric in the blood closet then busts into the self-pity cellar. Man, she doesn't even remember her tenure there!
• You keep doing this! You left me behind before, and Jenna still died.
• Oh, dear, Stefan's reputation as a bloodcoholic and ripper has proceeded him.
• Oh, shit, it's Klaus's blood that's the cure, and he only wants to deal with the ripper.
• Damon's trippin' balls at the Gone with the Wind screening. It's taking him back.
• Elena's stuck in the Sheriff's office.
• Jer brings Damon to the Grill, where the Sheriff shows up to shoot him. Too bad Damon dodges, and Jer takes the wooden bullet. Caroline and Bonnie break in, and Caroline feeds Jer her blood, but it might be too late. Good fucking job, Sheriff.
• Alaric's here now, too.
• Bonnie seems to think she can save him, so Alaric carries him away.
• Brave little toaster throws a chair through the office window and busts on out of there.
• That's too bad. You would have made a helluva wing man.
• Klaus will give Stefan his blood in exchange for a decade long bender. You do everything I say and I save your brother, that's the deal.
• Stefan shotguns a blood bag, and then another. He makes some hilariously angry faces while he's at it. Hee.
• Bonnie brings Jer the witches, but they don't want to help Bonnie. There will be consequences.
• He's just a kid, tell them to shut up.
• Finally, Bonnie begs for Emily's help. She loves Jer.
• All the fire goes dead, and Bonnie cries in the darkness, but Jer comes to.
• Atlanta is burning when Elena finds Damon.
• He gets all confused with drinking Katherine's blood to turn and bites into Elena. It's super creepy, with Elena saying things like no and stop and you don't have to do this and you're hurting me. After a few sips, though, he figures out that it's Elena and stops, collapsing.
• Caroline gets the call that Jer's alive. Sheriff thought she killed him. You did.
• Caroline tells Sheriff about the time she compelled her. Finally, they hug and cry.
• Jer and Bonnie have a very sweet talk, and Alaric shows up to maybe stay and mock him for good.
• Damon's taken to his sick bed and into Elena's arms.
• All those years I blamed Stefan. No one forced me to love her. It was my own choice. I made the wrong choice. Tell Stefan I'm sorry, okay?
• Stefan is mad drunk, you guys. He's on a bender something fierce.
• Klaus compels Katherine to take the blood over, but we all know Katherine's on vervain. Stefan mumbles a no, but it's too late. Katherine's gone.
• Damon thinks he deserves to die, but Elena doesn't. She forgives him.
• Damon finally tells Elena that he loves her.
• You should have met me in 1864. You would have liked me.
• I like you now, just the way you are. And she kisses him just once: goodbye.
• Katherine does show up, as she owed Damon.
• Stefan, on the other hand, gave himself over to Klaus.
• Oh, it's okay to love them both? I did.
• STFU, Katherine! You make no sense!
• Klaus knew Katherine was on vervain, and now he wants Stefan to help track her down.
• "What is it you really want from me?" "All will be explained in time."
• Klaus brings in another teen and gets her started. Wow, that sounds gross. Stefan finishes her while the world shakes. His eyes glows a scary blue when he drops the body.
• Jer wakes up 'cause there's some weird mystical shit afoot. Weird mystical shit like Vicki and Anna chillin' in his kitchen.
• Next time: there is no next time! Not for months!