Oh, Gossip Girl, when you deliver an episode like, “Shattered Bass,” I don’t know how to love you more. Everything blows up (but not in the way you’d think), everyone looks amazing, and Blair’s love of the ducks finally pays off. PLUS Jack Bass has never been better. It’s basically a dream.

Single White Serena

So you know how we’ve all been taking bets on what kind of crazy Charlie is? It’s even better than you thought. Charlie goes off her meds by dumping them out in a garbage can in the living room of PRADA MAFIA, like no one will notice that, and decides that she needs to give Dan a little push to get him in the sack. First she strokes his ego by comparing his writing to Fitz-freaking-Gerald (that’s right, that’s how it’s spelled), but, when Serena reminisces about cotillion and Dan in a dreamy way (she even has that picture in her room, which is odd, but I guess it is her old room and not her current quarters), Charlie decides there’s another golden opportunity to play damsel in distress to Dan’s white knight complex. And you know the best place for that? The Party that Everyone Ends Up At. Basically, Serena gives Charlie permission to date Dan and even tries to help her out by hooking her up with her Rhodes trust fund and giving her fashion advice, and Charlie is going to use that against her so hardcore it will blow your mind.

My apologies for the lack of recap last week; I got caught up in the Canadian Election results. Apparently last week, Kendra was sent packing. Thank goodness. The gimmick this week is the “instant dance”, where the couples learn what music they will get for one dance as the show is airing….Liiiiive! I saw this episode last season, and all of the couples turned in really good dances. Let’s hope this year’s group doesn’t disappoint.

Chelsea and Mark:  Apparently Mark was a power tool to Len and the judges last week and he threw some sort of fit about their mediocre scores. So sorry to have missed that. Chelsea earns even more of my respect by telling Mark that it isn’t cool for him to be a little bitch (I’m paraphrasing) to the judges because it makes her look bad. They are doing an emotionally-charged waltz and Chelsea has something to prove. The dance is smooth, graceful and classic. The judges should like this one. Len does like it, though he finds something to complain about (too much story that distracted from the dance). Scores are two 10s from Carrie Ann and Bruno and a 9 from Len.

Instant Dance: Chelsea is instant dancing a salsa. There is a miscue between the announcers and whoever started this music, so the dance is off to a weird start (not their fault, though). Mark is back to out-dancing Chelsea, but the dance is fun and high-energy. The male judges loved it, but Carrie Ann thought they weren’t connected to the music. I really couldn’t tell. They receive two 9s and an 8 for the dance.

I just watched last week’s The Vampire Diaries last night, so I don’t really have time to give “Klaus” the full recap treatment. But! I do need to talk about how the sun and the moon curse doesn’t exist because this shit is genius.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t too jazzed about a Klaus backstory ep. It seems like filler to me. I should have known better, though, because Vampire Diaries don’t play that way. “Klaus” wasn’t as action packed as “The Last Dance” or my hero “Masquerade,” but it did give us the answer we’ve all been waiting for: why the curse matters to Klaus. As an Original, he’s not bound by the sun, so what else is there? I’ll tell you what: there is no sun and moon curse. There is only one curse, it’s only on Klaus, and it’s to quell his vampire-werewolf hybrid nature. YES! He’s Scott Speedman in Underworld! Sadly not played by Scott Speedman, but still. Here’s how that goes.

Klaus and his six brothers and sisters, including ELIJAH, make up the Originals. Don’t ask me how because Elijah didn’t want to get into the specifics. Except Klaus, you see, is the product of an affair between their mother and the father of a werewolf clan (werewolves predate vampires, it turns out). A vampire-werewolf hybrid is too powerful and has no natural balance, so the servants of nature (i.e. witches, now called eco-warriors) put a curse on Klaus to limit him to vampire. Klaus seeks to break the curse because it’s all about power. It’s all about power being, of course, a conclusion I can get behind.

Last week, Carmen Carrera was brought back from the dead and then sent sashaying away yet again. No one was sad to see her go. Raja was also in the bottom two, which was traumatic for her.

This week is all about the money. The mini challenge is to host RuVC, a home shopping network. The ladies have to get Ru to buy their products. Raja is up first and she looks jacked out. She is selling her “gaff” which is apparently a junk-strapping down apparatus. Manila is pitching MANila spray. She looks better as a brunette. Yara pitches hair that is also a puppet. Don’t ask me to explain it. Alexis is hocking her handmade butt inserts. Who do I call about this? I am in. Ru selects Yara’s hair piece. She wins money for the next challenge.

The main challenge is at a “Make That Money Ball”. The ladies will have to create three different looks—Swimsuit Body Beautiful, Cocktail Attire After 5 pm, and Evening Gown Eleganza. The ladies get to work and are generally stressed out about the amount of work they have to do. Part way through the day, Ru gives the gals another challenge. They have to choreograph a group number to kick of the ball (to La Toya Jackson’s “Just Wanna Dance”). It seems like Alexis is really struggling with her garments, and she threatens to leave the competition. She packs some stuff up, and leaves the room. But then she comes right back. What a waste of time.

It is guilty pleasures night on DWTS, and we kick off the night with a performance from Hanson. Yes. You read that correctly. Who lists “Mmmbop” as a guilty pleasure? Not I. All of these Hanson lads seem really old now, which makes me old. Good times. Apparently all of the songs tonight are “guilty pleasures” so I will be rating each of them for their guilt-factor. Please keep in mind that I don’t know anything about music.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: This week, these two are dancing a samba to Kirstie’s guilty pleasure of “Hit me Baby One More Time” by Britney. God bless the costumers for putting Kirstie in a very flattering outfit this evening. She looks pretty cute. Maks, on the other hand, is wearing a high-waisted trouser and it is giving him mom jeans butt. Unflattering! Their samba is ok. It isn’t as high-energy as most sambas, and Kirstie doesn’t seem to be having as much fun as usual. Len thinks the performance was great, and Bruno agrees. The boys give her two 9s and Carrie Ann gives her an 8. Not bad scores at all. Guilt-o-meter rating: 7 giant sunglasses out of 10. This song is really not that bad, and it is a pre-mess Britney, so it is forgivable.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl: This week these two are tackling the tango, and Chris’ song is the recently overplayed (thanks, Glee!) “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. The dance is ok…it certainly holds my attention, even though the tango is a harsher dance than is allowed for in this pop song. The judges don’t really like it. Bruno says Chris looked like a block of granite, which I kind of agree with. Len defends Chris and says that his technique is good. They get two 7s and an 8. Guilt-o-meter rating: 3 baseball caps out of 10. This song has been made into a mainstream hit by the aforementioned Glee and it is not really a guilty pleasure at all.

Last week, Sugar Ray Leonard got sent home—kind of a surprise because Kendra did so poorly, but not a shocker because he wasn’t a super strong dancer. This week, it is all about America!

Ralph Macchio and Karina: These two have a samba this week, and are doing a cowboy theme. The music is “Sweet Home Alabama” and the dance really looks like a two-step. It is a weird style choice for a samba, and I don’t think it worked well at all. Fun two step, lame samba. Len says Ralph doesn’t have great rhythm. Bruno completely agrees with me. Carrie Ann thinks it was pretty good for a weird fusion. They receive 7s from Len and Bruno and an 8 from Carrie Ann.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl:  During the clip package, Chris does a hilarious impression of Len. Good times. He is out to prove to Len that he is 8-worthy. They are doing the Viennese waltz to “America the Beautiful”, and it is pretty good. Chris isn’t as naturally graceful as some people, but he does pretty well with this dance. It is smooth and flowing. They receive 9s from Carrie Ann and Bruno and an 8 from Len. Chris is so excited…it is adorable.

Last week, Shangela was sent sashaying away, and Ru announced that the other judges had the opporunity to save a previously eliminated queen. Who will it be?

Ru introduces this week’s theme with a reference to Grease. “If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter” – Eve Arden is a gem. The ladies prepare to see which queen will be returning to the game, and it is Carmen Carrera. Ugh. I have no patience for her talentless ass. Also, this gives Raja the opportunity to start talking about the Heathers again, which makes me kind of hate Raja (who I actually love).

The mini challenge this week involves the “Badonka donk dunk tank”. The ladies get to try to dunk the fellow contestant of their choosing. Carmen is in the tank first (at the behest of Raja), and there is just something always funny about a person dropping unexpectedly into water. Ru cackles with glee each time it happens. While Raja was unable to dunk Carmen more than one time in her two minutes, Alexis has decidedly better aim and dunks Yara Sofia a hilarious 14 times. Yara attempts to exact her revenge, but she only gets Alexis wet (ahem) 7 times. Manila chooses to dunk Carmen as well, but only gets her once. Carmen chooses to dunk Raja, and dunks her 6 times. From this, we have learned that Heathers can’t throw.

Last week, Wendy Williams was sent packing for her inability to dance. That is two weeks in a row where the correct person was sent home (in my humble opinion). This week we have a 47 piece orchestra and two famous classical musicians (or so they say…true classical music fans would probably take offense at that title), violinist David Garrett and mezzo soprano Katherine Jenkins.

Romeo and Chelsie: These two start the evening off with a paso doble. Romeo has bitchface tonight. Trying to channel his inner matador, I guess. The matadors I have seen (oh yes, I have seen some) are always more fun-loving. They are showmen! Think Liberace, but with jazzier outfits. Romeo’s paso doble is ok. He certainly has the intensity down, but he just isn’t a very compelling dancer. It ends with a lot of energy, and the crowd goes nuts for it. The judges are generally praising of his performance, but I think their scores aren’t going to be stellar. Each of the judges does mention that technique wasn’t perfect. They receive one 7 (apparently a deduction for a life) and two 8s.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: Kendra and Louis are doing a Viennese Waltz tonight. Kendra apparently hates both classical music and being a lady. She is really irritating. I mean, I am all for bucking female stereotypes, but she just seems to want to whine about everything she has to do. Don’t go on a dancing show if you have no interest in trying different dances. The dance is not great…Kendra keeps breaking out of her character (which is supposed to be an angry woman, I think). In addition to her distracting face, the dance is very choppy and she gets lost a few times. Bruno hated it. This is saying something; he loves everything. He thinks it was an offence against the beautiful song. Carrie Ann thinks that her not committing to being elegant really hurt the dance. Len is (surprisingly) the good cop here and tells her she is a beginner and should be given a break. The judges all agree that it was a 6-worthy performance.

Last week, Carmen Carrera and her dull (yet hot) ass was sent shashaying away by Ru. This week, it is all about hair. First up, the girls get a mini-challenge where they have to create a headpiece out of stuff swiped from a gay beach. Does such a place really exist? I want to go. If it is anything like the gay discothèque (that is what the kids call it, I think), it is going to be awesome. All of the headdresses are ridiculous looking. Raja wins the mini challenge.

The full challenge for the week is to create three hairstyles: a classic look, a modern look (red carpet) and a fantasy hair extravaganza. The ladies get to work on their looks, and Ru drops in with a twist. The ladies also have to create a runway outfit made completely out of hair. Hilarious.

Mainstage

Last week, the final 3 battled it out, and Antonia came up short. So sad. This week, we have Richard (who is clearly a culinary genius, but sometimes gets in his own way by overthinking things and doubting himself) vs. Mike (who is clearly an a-hole, and hasn’t done much of anything exciting all season, food-wise). Can you tell who I want to win? The chefs get just one final challenge: create the restaurant of their dreams.

Elimination Challenge: Create your dream restaurant featuring a four-course menu.

All of the chefs from this season are in the kitchen, and Padma unceremoniously gives them a challenge of creating an amuse-bouche for the final two to help them pick their teams. Some of the people (Jen C. (although maybe that is just what her face looks like), Jaimie, and Marcel (I assume, behind his stupid sunglasses that he is wearing inside)) look less than thrilled to be there under these circumstances. The two finalists have to blind taste their dishes and select their sous-chefs based on that. This is a genius move on the producers’ part…no one is going to pick Marcel, but they might pick his food.

Last week, the right person went home, and that guy was Mike something…a person no one knew and who was by far the worst dancer. He did seem to have fun in his two weeks and he knew that he wasn't going to get anywhere, so props to him for that. This week we have a bit of a theme where the stars have to pick a song that is emotional for them, and then work with their pros to create a story in their dances.

There is a segment at the beginning of the show where some unknown pros (the new “dance troupe” for the show) demonstrate what a good version of each of the dances featured tonight should look like. It is nice to see…I finally understand some differences between the rumba and the samba (basically, the samba is faster and more spicy, and the rumba is slower and more romantic).

Wendy Williams and Tony: Wendy is up first and this week she has a way nicer dress on today. It is very flattering. Wendy is dancing about a time in her life where she was sleeping in her car to achieve her dreams in radio. The dance is the foxtrot. Good lord she has some enormous cans. Work it, lady. The dance seems really slowed down…I don’t know if the foxtrot is always this slow? They are just basically walking around together. They are dancing to “Last night a DJ saved my life” which seems like a dumb song for this emotionally-driven week. The judges aren’t all about the dance. They think it wasn’t fluid enough, and that she got a little lost. Her scores are pretty low, 5s across the board.

Last week, Ru didn’t eliminate anyone, which was sort of too bad. I felt that either Yara or Carmen could have gone and I wouldn’t be sad. Neither of them are going to win this thing, so keeping them around seems a bit silly.

The mini challenge this week is Rusical Chairs. The ladies have to finish the lyrics to the songs when the music stops, and the challenge will be done in high heels (which they are all super jazzed about). Carmen is trying to control the game by purposely being the last person standing who has to continue the song. Luckily, during the second song, she doesn’t know the lyrics, and is out. Manila is the eventual winner.

The main challenge for this week for the ladies to record a new song by Ru, and each will do so in a different style of music. They select musical styles and then get to the rehearsing. All of the ladies agree that Yara does not sound good. While rehearsing, she sounds like Gloria on Modern Family on her karaoke machine.

We are down to the final three here…Richard, Antonia and Mike. Mike starts things off right away and tells us that the three best chefs are left standing. That means he actually believes he is better than the likes of Angelo, Dale, Dale, Marcel, and pretty much everyone else. He really is insufferable.

Quickfire: Chefs must assign a classic top chef quickfire to one of their competitors

Wolfgang Puck and Padma introduce the quickfire, and as the description says, they get to pick a previous quickfire (from all 8 seasons) and give it to one of the other chefs. Mike gives Antonia the canned goods challenge. Antonia gives Richard the hot dog challenge. Richard gives Mike the one pot challenge.  The chefs begin cooking, and the Padma comes back in to tell them they now get to assign a twist to one of their competitors. Antonia is particularly worried about getting the “no utensils” twist, as she is working with freaking cans! Richard gives Mike the no utensils twist, Antonia gives Richard the cook with only one hand twist, and Antonia gets to have Carla as her left hand (they are stuck together like conjoined twins).

The market for glittery jumpsuits gets its bi-annual boost with the return of Dancing with the Stars. I missed the first week, but clearly it doesn't matter. Let's dive into the dances tonight!

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna: Boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard! Last week this pair did a lackluster dance, and this week they have the jive. For being an former elite athlete, Sugar Ray is a bit tiny. This jive is medium good. Considering it is the second week, I give points for just keeping up with the music and remembering most of the steps. Anna’s hair is unattractive. The judges’ comments relay that his moves were not stellar, but he performed the crap out of it.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: This person is apparently “famous” for being a former girlfriend of Hugh Hefner. Yeesh. I don’t care about her. They are doing a quickstep, but it doesn’t look like one at all. Too slow! Also, Kendra has some big knockers (of course) and she is wearing a strapless dress. As a fellow Woman of Big Cans (this is the pc term we prefer), I can say the she needs to wear a bra with straps. Did Len just say “chesticles”? Weird. The judges say she needs to perform more.

Stacy Layne Matthews left us last week, thank goodness. She wasn’t on par with the other ladies at all. This week we start with a mini challenge, that is sort of about “reading”. I think they are like roasting each other? People call Delta all sorts of fat, Raja gets called old in many different ways, thankfully someone comments on Yara’s crazy contacts, and mostly it is isn’t funny. I never really find roasting amusing, though, so I don’t know.

This leads into the challenge of the week, which is a stand up comedy performance. The ladies must create a drag look to go with the routines. They plan their shows, and they get the opportunity to show Rita Rudner some of their stuff before the show. She gives each of them feedback, but we don’t see much because they are saving their acts for later. Carmen has nothing prepared and doesn’t seem to understand that she needs to do so. As the challenge nears, Delta becomes increasingly worried about her performance.

Ru greets us on the mainstage looking gorgeous with straight hair. I usually prefer the curls, but this look is great. Guest judges this week are Rita Rudner and comedienne Arden Myrin (of Mad TV fame, I am told). They bring some live audience members into the mainstage area, and the show begins. Break down of each performance below!

So, after last week’s emotionally draining show, we are headed to the Bahamas with the final five contestants. I don’t know if this means this is the last show or not. I guess time will tell. It could go a number of ways today, but those ways don’t include Mike or Tiffany. Sorry! It is nearing the end and I have to bring the harsh truth. The chefs arrive at some sort of fort, and there they meet Padma, Tom and Eric Ripert. Along with them are each of the winners from the chefs’ original seasons.

Quickfire: Chefs battle head-to-head against their season’s winner

That quickfire name could really use some punching up. It feels like that is what they called it in the initial mapping out meeting of the season and then they ran out of time and didn’t fix it. I will help them. This challenge is now called Blast away your Past. You’re welcome, writers. The chefs will have to cook with a secret ingredient that Colicchio selected for each of them. Each mini battle will net the winner $10,000. Not to shabby for 30 minutes of cooking.

Last week Stacy Layne finally developed an iota of personality, and it meant that she won. Delta was in the bottom two for her lackluster Cher (which was getting off easy, frankly--Cher knows teamsters). But it was the queen they call Mariah who was sent sashaying away. She will be missed, but only because Ru uses her name in reference to Paint Your Wagon.

Raja, Manila, Delta and Carmen have started a club where they call themselves Heather. It is lame. The mini challenge today is to have a naked picture taken. Delta Work is concerned because she doesn’t “even like to have sex naked”. The ladies are allowed to wear light make-up and nothing else. Alexis Mateo adorably tells us that she has been single for a really long time, and that America is going to find out why. Stacy is concerned about getting naked, but then she is given a sheet, so she isn’t naked at all. Raja has no problem being naked. Carmen gives us too much ass (as always). Shangela looks pretty, but has a serious man stomach (in that it is muscled). Yara Sofia is covered in tattoos that look like dirt smudges. Ok, later in the judging it seems like she has smeared paint on her face, so maybe the tattoos are an attempt at body paint. She has a smaller waist than 95% of women. Manila has trouble changing her face from picture to picture. Alexis struggles with nerves, and doesn’t have a great shot. Delta is also given the sheet (as was Alexis), and she goes for a goddess pose. Carmen Carrera takes the win. Finally, a challenge that played to her one strength.

Carmen gets to assign all of the ladies a type of cake, and they will create a couture look inspired by their cake. As Ru makes his rounds while the ladies are working, he announces that they will also have to create a cake that will be an accessory to the look. The cakes are already baked and they just have to ice them.

Wow…we are down to the final five here. I can’t believe how close we are getting to the end. Richard is particularly sad about Dale’s departure, and I think he really respected him as a chef. I wish Mike wasn’t still here, mostly because he is annoying. I am surprised that Tiffany is still here, because she has been in the bottom so frequently and has made mediocre food so often. I do like her, at least.

Padma shows up at the apartment seconds after Antonia and Tiffany were talking about that very thing, and they are a bit spooked by it. She takes them up to the roof, to tell them and us pretty much nothing about the quickfire.

Last week India was sent sashaying away, and it wasn’t too upsetting. Some of the ladies seem to be hating on Manila for her Asian stereotype character last week, and their main argument seems to be that she is not Asian enough (?) to do this kind of satire. I didn’t find her character funny, but I think everyone has the right to make fun of everyone else.

The mini challenge will be the ladies playing a game that I sure hope is real. It is called “Shit RuPaul Says”. I want to go to there.

The ladies compete in 1 preliminary round each and then one final round. It is sort of a Wheel of Fortune type puzzle (but that part of where Pat has given the wheel a final spin). Apparently I need to work on my RuPaulisms, because I got zero of these. The answers are:

The chefs are shocked that Angelo went home last week; they all think that a chef of his caliber would have made it closer to the end. Tiffany thought that it was absolutely her time to go last week, and the other chefs agree with that sentiment.

Quickfire: Create a Deep-Fried Dish

Oh boy. The guest judge for this week is Paula Deen. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Ms. Deen (which more often borders on hate). I like her sassy southern ways, but her food is generally disgusting (often using an entire jar of mayonnaise for its base). It shocks no one that Paula’s challenge is to “create a deep-fried dish”. Paula claims that she has deep-fried balls of butter. Disgusting! The winner will get $5000.