Oh, Gossip Girl, when you deliver an episode like, “Shattered Bass,” I don’t know how to love you more. Everything blows up (but not in the way you’d think), everyone looks amazing, and Blair’s love of the ducks finally pays off. PLUS Jack Bass has never been better. It’s basically a dream.

Single White Serena

So you know how we’ve all been taking bets on what kind of crazy Charlie is? It’s even better than you thought. Charlie goes off her meds by dumping them out in a garbage can in the living room of PRADA MAFIA, like no one will notice that, and decides that she needs to give Dan a little push to get him in the sack. First she strokes his ego by comparing his writing to Fitz-freaking-Gerald (that’s right, that’s how it’s spelled), but, when Serena reminisces about cotillion and Dan in a dreamy way (she even has that picture in her room, which is odd, but I guess it is her old room and not her current quarters), Charlie decides there’s another golden opportunity to play damsel in distress to Dan’s white knight complex. And you know the best place for that? The Party that Everyone Ends Up At. Basically, Serena gives Charlie permission to date Dan and even tries to help her out by hooking her up with her Rhodes trust fund and giving her fashion advice, and Charlie is going to use that against her so hardcore it will blow your mind.

Thought Blair may have said it in “The Townie,” Gossip Girl most assuredly is an Ouija board. And what Gossip Girl predicts is downfall for Lily, of all people. Find out how.

Nemesis

Blair and Dan are strolling and recapping, but, since I’ve already done the hard work, I’m skipping this. What’s missing is Juliet’s motive, and only Blair can understand: “There is only one motive to fuel a gaslighting as powerful as this: retribution.” She should know, having tried to Ostroff Serena once before. They remember when Serena was briefly allied with the Parisian police, so they decide ask the crime fighter herself for her insight into Juliet’s dark mind.

So it turns out that I never recapped “The Witches of Bushwick,” which is just as well, as that episode’s dire stupidity and retrogressive sexual politics were too much for me. I hated  a lot of that episode. Props to last night’s Gossip Girl, “Gaslit,” for helping to somewhat restore my faith in the show.  

I accidentally missed the first ten minutes thanks to Carlos, the longest movie in the world, but I’m going to guess that they went a little something like this: Serena comes to in a cheap motel in Queens and dials 911. Everyone’s making their Thanksgiving plans, and then those plans are interrupted as one by one they find out that Serena’s been rushed to St. Margaret’s. Am I close?

So when we come back, Nate’s sitting on his doorstep because Dan will run right over when he gets a text. And not even a booty text! Nope, Nate’s found out that Anne, who suddenly has a personality and that personality is icky, is in the process of divorcing the Captain. Dan tells him that there’s nothing Nate can do and that his parents were happier after the divorce. Dan then gets the call about Serena and boots it to the hospital, while Nate points out that as usual, Dan’s advice sucks. Heh.