An actual email conversation between Emily and me.

Emily: What is happening here? http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/01/04/twilight-the-musical-its-happening/

Me: As a one-night-only charity event, I’m okay. As an actual idea, I am  . . . what would even happen? Loads of creaky ballads from Bella about her luv, Edward would start out singing a ballad (or a German art song) and start screeching heavy metal (bi-polar), and Jacob would randomly pop up to wail on his axe. Actually, that sounds kind of cool.

Now, if there's one thing you noticed in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1, wait . . . if there's one thing you noticed besides headboard breaking, Tebowing, and Edward cutting his child out of his wife's womb with his own teeth, it was that vampire Bella had one helluva blow out, right? She goes from beaten, malnourished famine victim to stunning beauty in three short days.

Well, now it's your turn, and you don't even have to get bitten (unless you're into that). Pro Beauty Tools has a line of Twilight styling tools, including the SPARKLE CERAMIC IONIC HAIRDRYER. I can only assume it's infused with vampire venom to give your hair the lustrous glow of a 1000 hot oil treatments. If I had straight hair, I would buy one of these so hard. I would take it to the pool with me, so everyone could see how sparkly I truly am.

I'm still holding out for Vampire Venom SPARKLE Body Mist, though. For all my glitter opportunities.

Oh, you guys. I know we're all in a tizzy to attend the nuptials of those two crazy kids (using the term loosely, of course), so I bet you're wondering what to get the couple who has everything (or can afford to buy it). The answer, I don't mind tell you, is a 10 piece dinner set for two for $160. I've been to enough weddings to know that people really do register for pricey place settings like this (whereas I prefer some good old fashioned shatter resistant Corelle), so I'm not going to quibble over the price. I can't tell if my favourite part is the suggestion that this is a great "gift-idea" or the fact that the copy editor thinks "gift idea" is a hyphenate.

If “She’s Not There,” was set up, then last night’s True Blood, “You Smell Like Dinner,” is rapid payoff. Sure, a lot of it is just pushing forward everyone’s season arcs, but it feels less like soapy wheel spinning (secrets and lies) and more like actual things happening. Say what you will about True Blood; this show can cram a helluva lot of plot into an hour. Check it: Tara’s back, Crystal’s back, Bill flashes back, Eric flashes back, Sookie runs all over town trying to figure out how not to be Eric’s, and Pam gives some really good advice. Also, Louis Pasteur? Total vampire. Someone update that entry, STAT.

Two Sookies Enter, Only One Can Leave

Despite how we left things, with Eric advancing on Sookie fangs out and Sookie’s robe in his hand, Sookie’s hurrying down the stairs of Stackhouse Shack while tying her robe and denying that she will ever be Eric’s. Alright, let’s just get this one out of the way upfront, so we can concentrate on the proceedings: WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT DOESN’T WANT TO BE ERIC’S? SIGN ME UP! Ahem. Right, so, Eric zips down the stairs and tells it like it is: Sookie’s blood tastes like freedom and sunshine. While vampires may not realize it or why, that’s what they smell when they smell her. Sookie asks petulantly if Eric is threatening her (get a clue, Sook). He explains that on the contrary, Sookie’s going to need protection, and, straightening up to his full height of GIANT, he can offer that protection. Sookie will take her chances and flounces off to the kitchen, but Eric’s not going to rest his case quite that fast. He also, as you may recall, owns this house. Sookie snaps back that the house doesn’t come with her inside it, and Eric fires off that if that is the case, he “grossly overpaid.” I still think it’s gross that Eric considers Sookie transitive property or property of any kind, really.

Summit has finally, finally released a The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 trailer (November is so far away! Hurry up and distract me, True Blood!), and it looks like Bill Condon might just pull this one off. And by "this one," I mean, "easily the most ridiculous of all the Twilight books, and that's saying something." I admire the balls-out bonkers-ness of Breaking Dawn, but you're in for a doozy. In the meantime, let's examine the evidence after the jump.

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Last Day,” proved two things: Damon is love’s bitch, and there’s little anyone can do to stop Klaus. Not that I think Elena is going to die (I’ve watched TV before, babies), but there’s no telling what the exact outcome will be. Also, the CW Rochester STILL has flippin’ sound problems during VD broadcasts. Get it together, network.

Magic Elixir Does the Body Good

The ep opens with shirtless Damon, and one of my viewing companions opines that all eps should start this way. Downstairs in front of Eternal Fireplace, Elijah is recapping the truth about the curse for Stefan and now Damon. Damon’s all about power player Bonnie, but Elena – natch – is still tweaking about her best girl dying. Damon: “I'll write her a great eulogy.”  I can only imagine! “In the months since I tried to rip Bonnie’s throat out, we developed a steamy sexual chemistry that forced us to no longer share the screen because the writers weren’t pushing a dirty, dirty vamp-witchy romance. I sure as hell thought about it, but it didn’t happen. Anyway, turns out she was cool beans. Now she’s dead. See ya, Bon-Bon! Have fun with other Bitches of Eastwick serving nature in the great beyond!”

So, remember when Edward and Bella had sex? Because you can get pregnant the first time, ladies, Bella totally does with a demon baby that breaks her spine and kills her (spoiler? except that these things I am telling you are why Breaking Dawn is completely awesome. Still, loads 'o spoilers). Her unfortunately-named daughter is Renesme, a freaky vampire-human hybrid that ages rapidly and can implant her own memories in your mind with a touch of her hand. Now who wants to see that kid? Everybody? Thought so:

Apparently this is just a photo shoot with Mackenzie Foy and not in The Meadow like I originally thought. While she mysteriously appears to be a human and not the cyborg necessary for the role, I do appreciate that she, you know, doesn't look like a scary monster China doll (porcelain skin, rosy cheeks, ringlets, drinks blood), as per the book.

Oh, thank goodness: this vampire-less holiday break was killing me (Being Human premieres tonight on Space, so hopefully sexy Sam Witwer can solve that with a quickness). In the meantime, who wants to see the first official photo from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1? You do!

That's right, my pretties! The first official photo is a wedding night photo, so get yourselves ready for the love that last forever or at least until your demon spawn breaks your spine. What? That's the story! I didn't write it.

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “Rose,” was a little lacking in the holy shit compared to “Masquerade.” Of course, it’s hard not to do. Perhaps they were simply observing the cardinal rule of taking it down a notch to avoid blowing one’s wad. If so, well played. We got deeper into the Petrova mystery, Bonnie’s witchy powers, and Salvatore heartbreak. Also, did I mention the ROAD TRIP? Let’s go.

ROAD TRIP

Stefan’s chillin’ like a villain at school (I take a minute to laugh at this continued pretence). Jeremy strolls up to point out that’s easier to get someone to cover for you if you give that someone a heads up. Stefan doesn’t know what Jer’s talking about, and it pretty soon they both realize that Elena’s unaccounted for. Stefan is going to have a meltdown.

If every episode of Season 6 were like "Weekend at Bobby's," I'd want to see the show go on for another six seasons. Too bad it looks like things will be more like last night's Supernatural, "Live Free or Twihard." It's a solid premise, and it goes pretty well at first: Pretty young vampires are using teen girls' Twilight fantasies to lure them out. Robert and Kristen meet twice at some club set up exclusively for these fantasies, repeating dialogue and scene-lets directly from the movies. Robert's even doing a credible Robert Pattinson. I am highly amused by the whole thing, including how massively stupid Kristen is. Soon enough, he's got her down a dark alley and those fangs he pointed to were real. Whoops! Bye, Kristen!

As monster of the week sets ups go, it's excellent. Even after that, as sleuthing begins, it's a pretty good episode. Whereas Dean calls Bobby when they need intel, Sam leans on and takes his marching orders from Grandpa Samuel. He thinks six missing girls and a jacked blood donor truck means serious business.  The camera, btw, spends about one hundred hours making sure you understand that this is a blood delivery truck. My viewing companion wonders why they need the blood bags if they've got the fresh stuff, and I reply, "Making babies," which I then further clarify as "for newborn vampires."

The Winchesters lie to some highly uninterested and never seen again dad to gain access to Kristen's hilarious goth room, littered with vampire romance novels and cardboard cutouts and bad poetry. The show doesn't even bother showing us which lie the boys used to get in the door. They crack Kristen's laptop and hit the bar where she met Robert, pegging two guys as possible vamps. Sam cruises one into a basement storage room and slices off his head. We sigh, remembering how awesome it was when he sliced Gordon's head off with razor wire. Dean learns that his young squire is just trying to get laid and remarks, "I'll be damned," when he learns that putting glitter on really can help you get laid. Since we've all seen Buffy, we know what saying, "I'll be damned," in a dark alley means. Vampired! Yup, the big guy Robert handed Kristen off to in the opening appears, calls Dean pretty, beats him up, and forces blood down his throat while Sam watches with an evil little smirk on his face.

Last night’s True Blood season finale, “Evil Is Going On,” was on the boring side. Sure, I looked at the clock at 9:42 and thought, “What else is going to happen?”, but there were a lot of cheated out “drama” moments that were scary to exactly no one except maybe Steve Newlin. On the other hand, Godric!

Spectral Godric Suggests You Forgive and Forget

Eric and Russell have switched into sunbathing positions on the Fangtasia parking lot, and it’s the usual “I can’t believe you are still this upset about your dad” stuff. Blah blah looking for goats for my wolves, blah blah too big for his britches cakes. Godric appears to Eric, glowing and robed in white and generally being awesome like you know Godric should be, and tells him to forgive Russell. It’s worth noting that Godric speaks to Eric in Swedish while Eric replies in English. Divorcing his past? At any rate, Eric’s not in the forgiving mood, so Godric tells him that Russell will find peace in death. “NOOOO!” Eric bellows into the credits.

Lots of holy shit moments in last night’s True Blood, “I Smell a Rat,” largely associated with confessions rather than dramatic actions: Tara comes clean about what happened to her, Jason comes clean about Eggs, Crystal comes clean about what she is, Arlene comes clean about the baby’s father, Jesus and Lafayette take a spiritual journey through their past. Also: Sookie is a fairy.

Sookie is a Fairy, and Eric is a Farmer

Bill’s in the midst of telling her this, while Sookie’s all, “Shut the front door,” but the minute he invokes Claudine’s name, Sookie’s ready to listen. Bill instantly recognized Sunshine Town as Bon Temps Cemetery and found out from Claudine that Sookie is a fairy. Every vampire who knows the truth wants a piece of Sookie because 1) the fay were wiped out years ago by vampires as 2) their blood is so intoxicating. Indeed, Bill finds Sookie’s blood the most delicious he has ever tasted.  So, she’s la tua cantante but for every vampire. Anyway, Bill’s happy to foreswear her blood forever just to prove his love for her (also: self-denial is his second favourite thing after self-loathing). Sookie just looks wide-eyed and misty at all of this.

In one of those weird things where suddenly it's everywhere, everyone is talking about the Edward Cullen Manllow on esty. What's a manllow, you say? It's a man-pillow. Remember those little half armchair things that sat on your bed when you were a kid but too lazy to just rest your pillows upright against the headboard? Imagine one of those, only with longer arms and Edward Cullen's visage silk screened across the head. Yeah, like that.

Of course, this item sold February 15, so I'm not sure why we're all talking about it today. Some industrious pop artist should make one out of marble (as Stephenie Meyer describes her vampires), so girls everyone would find out what it would really be like to snuggle up to that every night (hint: cold, uncomfortable). In fact, this artist should do a whole Twilight statue (again, a Meyer word) series: Edward as David, Rosalie as Winged Victory, Carlisle as The Thinker. Dudes, I'm on to something here.

I watched the trailer for the second half of Season 3 on Saturday, so I was pretty pumped for last night's True Blood entry, "Hitting the Ground." This week, like last, pieces were being moved around for a big payoff come the finale, but it was a lot more exciting to see. I just hope that payoff's the answer to the eternal question: What are you? In the meantime, more stakings and shootings than you can shake a stick at (though why would you? Never brandish a stake if you're not going to use it).

After getting her taste, that's exactly the question Lorena asks Sookie. Sookie, however, has no time for existentialism: I'm the bitch that's gonna kill you, she replies. Lorena's doubtful, but Bill's managed to drag his ass up off the ground, and he throws his silver manacles around Lorena's neck and gestures for Sookie to grab a stake. She does but worries that she'll hit Bill through Lorena. Well, until Lorena stops squirming and fighting and simply declares, "I love you, William." That's about all Sookie can take, so Bill pushes Lorena off him just enough for Sookie to get the stake through safely. Lorena explodes spectacularly, and Bill passes out. When no amount of "BILL!"s can revive him, Sookie settles for screaming, "HELP ME!" Cue credits.

Bill Burrito

In what sounds like yet another made-up-by-the-media trend, all of one teen is claiming to be involved in biting and blood exchanges to demonstrate romantic passion and intimate friendship. While the doc quoted has legit concerns about infections, let me tell you why this is preposterous:

• This is the exact kind of shit that freaks teens out, which is why vampires work so well as a metaphor for sex.
• Vamps and their human lovers don't bite each other in Twilight. Humans aren't physically able to break through vampire skin. Vamp bites mean death or vampirism. Which brings us back to human-on-human action, and that is strictly prohibited in Twilight.
• The Vampire Diaries and True Blood do feature blood exchanges, but it's really only kinky sex stuff in True Blood. And while teens no doubt watch True Blood, they, too, would be freaked out by the INSANE sex scenes. Which means that they wouldn't want to do that kind of stuff because it is too freaky.

Ergo, the entire thing is too freaky, even for freaky teens. One high school does not a trend make.

Fourth of July means no True Blood recap, but thankfully there's other crazy vampire news: the Vulture is reporting that Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner will receive an obscene $25 million for Breaking Dawn and Breaking Dawn 2: Demon Baby Boogaloo against a 7.5% cut of theatrical gross.

Remember when Jim Carrey earned a then-unheard of $20 million for The Cable Guy (a notorious flop deserving of a cult revival)? Nowadays, you'd be hard pressed to think of a recent worthwhile Carrey vehicle (that will likely change if I Love You Philip Morris ever gets a release date in Canada and the U.S.), and you could be forgiven if your mind temporarily fritzed at the mention of his name. I can't decide what's more bizarre: how little obscene paychecks have gone up in the last 14 years or the possibility that one of these three is the next Jim Carrey. One of them is the way to making The Truman Show, another to The Number 23. Quick! Guess which is which!

Are you a fan of Jackson Rathbone?

Who?

In yet more not-coming-t0-Ottawa news, add TwiCon to the list. In fact, TwiCon has ceased operations and did so in March (where was I? Oh, how your ace vampire reporter has let you down). Quelle disappointment, you guys. I was really planning to rock that thing, press-style. In the meantime, read Bite Me: A Love Story, celebrate the fact that Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene have finally signed for Breaking Dawn, and check out this vamp army shot from Eclipse:

Just showing the vamp army puts the movie head and shoulders above the book, right?

Every time I think we're getting back to the good stuff with this show (like last week), we get an episode like "Ex-Husbands and Wives." On the plus side: mass scheming. On the down side: soap opera level exposition. What the hell, Gossip Girl? Just because you are a soap doesn't mean you have to absorb the worst possible aspects of a soap opera. Thank goodness you are going to Paris next year.

Jenny is the Fucking Worst

This is, of course, not a knock against Taylor Momsen. She shows up to work week in and week out. But Jenny Humphrey is the schemingest schemer on this show if you can imagine. Blair and Chuck prostitute each other, but Jenny will let people believe that Lily might really have cancer if it suits her.

In last night's episode of The Vampire Diaries, "Under Control," we were assured that with only three episodes left in the season, absolutely everything is headed for a catastrophic breaking point. Can't wait. Also, before we continue, still no sign of Bonnie, only a mention of Caroline. I get that these actors' contracts probably don't allow for them to be in every episode, but they should really work on that for next season.

Stefan's Still On the Juice

Apparently after last week's episode ending binge, Stefan quit human blood again cold turkey, which led to a work out montage with which I have no arguments. It's not so easy for Stefan to wean himself off, though: in a scene out of Twilight, during a sexy moment with Elena, he's overwhelmed with blood lust and sends himself flying into the furthest wall, breaking a lamp in the process. Later, he turns to drink to keep the edge off (parroting Damon from earlier in the season), which introduces us to Drunk Stefan. Paul Wesley, thank you for Drunk Stefan, as he is a sight to behold. It's quickly revealed that while Sober Stefan takes the Brandon Walsh approach to dance (he doesn't), Drunk Stefan is all about it, going so far as a compel the DJ at the latest Founder's Shenanbon to start up a dance party. Unfortunately, some rageholic flips when Elena bumps him during some too vigorous dancing, so Stefan compels him to apologize like he means it. Also unfortunately, this scene was too dark and at an odd angle such that I suspected that Rageoids was only faking being compelled and was mere moments away from outing Stefan to the Council. That didn't turn out to be the case, but Rageoids will get his chance after he decides to attack (!) Stefan in the parking lot, so embarrassed/annoyed (!!) is he at having to apologize. Stefan, who is fleeing the party after almost snacking on Kelly (more on that in the minute), breaks Rageoids' fist and considers helping himself to some sweet, sweet blood, but continues on his plan to flee the scene when Elena shows up looking for him. Later, completely tweaking, he confesses to Elena that this withdrawal is much worse than the last, and he's not certain she's safe with him. Elena decides that she is anyway (minus point, but plus point for mentioning that it's scary to just appear in someone's bedroom, so wash). But Damon's got to have the last word: after laying out all the trouble they're in, Damon deliberately leaves unattended a glass of sweet, sweet blood behind, and Stefan throws it down with style. Ah, damn. Love it. Also: