An actual email conversation between Emily and me.

Emily: What is happening here? http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/01/04/twilight-the-musical-its-happening/

Me: As a one-night-only charity event, I’m okay. As an actual idea, I am  . . . what would even happen? Loads of creaky ballads from Bella about her luv, Edward would start out singing a ballad (or a German art song) and start screeching heavy metal (bi-polar), and Jacob would randomly pop up to wail on his axe. Actually, that sounds kind of cool.

Despite rocking all over the place the week prior, Alaric is nowhere to be seen in last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Reckoning.” I guess he needed to recharge the AWESOME before dropping it on us again (next time!). In the meantime, Caroline’s obsession with doing normal, fun, teenage things ends disastrously (yet again) for pretty much everyone involved: Matt, Elena, Tyler, Bonnie, Stefan, and Klaus and Rebekah to a certain extent. Even Damon gets his feelings hurt. Things go slightly better for Katherine, but it’s really only a matter of time.

Mystic Falls is Afraid of Locks

So Matt is working out at high school by himself at night. I'm pretty sure you can't just bust into the weight room like that. To the point where we needed supervision just to use it during normal school hours at my high school. But we all know the townsfolk of Mystic Falls don’t stand on little things like legal liability. A shadow runs by, and Matt runs after it because he is so sad that even ghost friends seem like a good company to him. Instead, he finds Tyler, Caroline, Bonnie, and Elena setting up mousetraps all over the floor in an empty classroom because . . . it’s senior prank night. And none of his alive (or undead, in Caroline’s case) friends invited him. Thanks, guys? And you wonder why Matt is so lonely that he WANTS to be friends with a ghost. Outside of Casper, of course. We all want to be friends with Casper, right? Devon Sawa was so cute back then!

Here's something: I discovered/realized that I never posted or even wrote a recap for The Vampire Diaries' Season 2 finale, "As I Lay Dying," but I did keep my notes. I type them while I watch, as my viewing companions can attest. With the exception of correcting a typo or two, I've decided to post them for you in full, so you can use them as a quick reminder before Season 3 kicks off tonight. Also because I'm hardly going to write a full recap at this late date. 

• A full minute of previouslies!
• Elena watches Jer sleep . . . I guess she's just checking on him, but it's weird. Mostly because of the artful streaming light.
• Damon shows up teary-eyed to apologize. Elena needs time and maybe a lot of it before she'll be ready. "Sure, of course. Take all the time you need."
• Damon enjoys an old bottle o'booze he's clearly been saving and pulls off his ring front of a window.
• Stefan jumps him hard core!
• And tosses him in the cellar of self-pity!
• Always the hero, Stefan. Just tell me goodbye and get it over with.
• Klaus wakes up naked in the woods and says to his brother, "That was amazing." While his brother casually rains down clothes.
• He was a wolf a full two days.
• Klaus won't give up the info.
• Alaric is wicked drunk at the Grill when Stefan calls him about Damon: What do you need? AW.
• Caroline insists that they persevere at a outside screening of Gone With the Wind.
• Stefan and Bonnie hold a seance, and Bonnie starts channeling Emily.
• That's not balance; that's punishment.
• The bitches of eastwick give Bonnie stabbing pains because they think she's abusing her powers, but she manages to catch one word: Klaus.
• Of course it is. Fucking Klaus.
• Lady Mayor shows up making demands of Sheriff to deal with the town's vampire problems, as she is not keeping the town safe. Dun!
• Look who couldn't resist an epic romance.
• Stefan gives Elena the truth about Damon, so she can make it right/accept his apologies.
• Damon's hallucinating back to his Katherine days, and Elena shows up to point out that Katherine was only ever using him.
• Stefan starts with Alaric's, which is indeed still infested with Katherine and Klaus. Too bad Klaus just stabbed him with a silver blade. And now he's got Stef up against a post. Hmm.
• Stake to Stefan's stomach! Even tortured, Stefan thinks of his brother: just give me the cure, and I'll do whatever you want.
• You are just shy of useless.
• My subconscious is haunting me, Ric.
• Alaric doesn't blame Damon for Jenna.
• Give me your glass. Neither one of us is drunk enough for this conversation.
• Kill me, please.
• Screw you.
• Elena arrives, but the Sheriff is there to cause trouble with her deputies.
• Sheriff locks Alaric in the blood closet then busts into the self-pity cellar. Man, she doesn't even remember her tenure there!
• You keep doing this! You left me behind before, and Jenna still died.
• Oh, dear, Stefan's reputation as a bloodcoholic and ripper has proceeded him.
• Oh, shit, it's Klaus's blood that's the cure, and he only wants to deal with the ripper.
• Damon's trippin' balls at the Gone with the Wind screening. It's taking him back.
• Elena's stuck in the Sheriff's office.
• Jer brings Damon to the Grill, where the Sheriff shows up to shoot him. Too bad Damon dodges, and Jer takes the wooden bullet. Caroline and Bonnie break in, and Caroline feeds Jer her blood, but it might be too late. Good fucking job, Sheriff.
• Alaric's here now, too.
• Bonnie seems to think she can save him, so Alaric carries him away.
• Brave little toaster throws a chair through the office window and busts on out of there.
• That's too bad. You would have made a helluva wing man.
• Klaus will give Stefan his blood in exchange for a decade long bender. You do everything I say and I save your brother, that's the deal.
• Stefan shotguns a blood bag, and then another. He makes some hilariously angry faces while he's at it. Hee.
• Bonnie brings Jer the witches, but they don't want to help Bonnie. There will be consequences.
• He's just a kid, tell them to shut up.
• Finally, Bonnie begs for Emily's help. She loves Jer.
• All the fire goes dead, and Bonnie cries in the darkness, but Jer comes to.
• Atlanta is burning when Elena finds Damon.
• He gets all confused with drinking Katherine's blood to turn and bites into Elena. It's super creepy, with Elena saying things like no and stop and you don't have to do this and you're hurting me. After a few sips, though, he figures out that it's Elena and stops, collapsing.
• Caroline gets the call that Jer's alive. Sheriff thought she killed him. You did.
• Caroline tells Sheriff about the time she compelled her. Finally, they hug and cry.
• Jer and Bonnie have a very sweet talk, and Alaric shows up to maybe stay and mock him for good.
• Damon's taken to his sick bed and into Elena's arms.
• All those years I blamed Stefan. No one forced me to love her. It was my own choice. I made the wrong choice. Tell Stefan I'm sorry, okay?
• Stefan is mad drunk, you guys. He's on a bender something fierce.
• Klaus compels Katherine to take the blood over, but we all know Katherine's on vervain. Stefan mumbles a no, but it's too late. Katherine's gone.
• Damon thinks he deserves to die, but Elena doesn't. She forgives him.
• Damon finally tells Elena that he loves her.
• You should have met me in 1864. You would have liked me.
• I like you now, just the way you are. And she kisses him just once: goodbye.
• Katherine does show up, as she owed Damon.
• Stefan, on the other hand, gave himself over to Klaus.
• Oh, it's okay to love them both? I did.
• STFU, Katherine! You make no sense!
• Klaus knew Katherine was on vervain, and now he wants Stefan to help track her down.
• "What is it you really want from me?" "All will be explained in time."
• Klaus brings in another teen and gets her started. Wow, that sounds gross. Stefan finishes her while the world shakes. His eyes glows a scary blue when he drops the body.
• Jer wakes up 'cause there's some weird mystical shit afoot. Weird mystical shit like Vicki and Anna chillin' in his kitchen.
• Next time: there is no next time! Not for months!

I’d share with the extent of my disappointment with the last couple episodes of True Blood, but, since my 32 day-old computer died, I can’t really. Suffice it to say that I put a hell of lot of effort into “I Wish I Was The Moon” and none into “Cold Grey Light of Dawn” since it was largely about people feeling their feelings. Last night’s episode, “Spellbound,” got a bit more into the action, though some of it still felt  like wheel-spinning and contrivance for contrivance’s sake. Still, Hot Bill, Eric and Sookie getting stoned, and Martonia getting a pet aren’t so bad. Lafayette getting possessed and thus further drawn into that damnable baby plotline? Not so much. Where’s Jesus when you need him?

Silver is Not like a Band-Aid

Jessica’s all ready to bust open the doors and die very slowly and painfully out in the sun (remember, the younger a vamp is, the slower s/he burns). Fortunately, Jason’s there to jump her, boot the doors shut, and wrap darling Jessica in Bill’s zebra rug. Heh. Bill’s redecoration has not gotten old for me. Did he hire someone? I mean, surely to do all the work, but did he hire someone to help him with the colour palette and all that? My favourite thing about Bill is what Bill gets up to when we’re not looking, e.g., buying a Wii and Fresca, and that hasn’t changed over four seasons. It’s just icing that Bill is hot all the time now.

Last night’s True Blood, “Me and the Devil,” was another week of not much going on, but a lot of pieces were moved into place for things to go batshit in the weeks to come. For now we’re treated to some heavy philosophy, bouncing from religious freedom to heaven and hell to the nature of evil. Spectral Godric makes a very bad appearance, Adele makes a very good one from the Great Beyond, Lettie Mae resurfaces, King Bill’s life gets a little worse, Jason’s life gets a little better, and Tommy becomes a skinwalker. Best part? Not a single second in Horrible Hot Shot.

What about War and Self-Defence?

Joe-Lee’s still got that chain around Tommy’s neck at the top of the hour, and Melinda is running around alternating yelling at Joe-Lee not to kill Tommy and Tommy to be nicer to his dad. Melinda has gone from being tragic victim of violence to full-on crazy lady for me. Kill ‘em both, Tommy. And he does! Hurray! He plays dead a little, then brains Joe-Lee with a pipe. He keeps having to throw his crazy mama off his shoulder, and eventually Melinda doesn’t get up from one of those falls. “Mama?” he gaps into the credits.

Last night’s True Blood, “I’m Alive and on Fire,” was something of a letdown after three weeks of AMAZING. It naturally had to be (how could you keep that up?), though it was still disappointing when not much happened (and doubly disappointing to crash to black at 9:50 exactly). We did, however, get to further experience the tragedy of Bill Compton, gain some insight into our embittered witch friend, and watch one of the horrible denizens of Hot Shot die. Plus, there was a Wet Torso Contest, so I guess it’s not all bad.

I Will Slay All the Sea Monsters

No sooner has Claudine gone up in a cloud of faerie dust than Sookie is insistent that Eric get back to his cubby, lest the fae be lurking about. Puppy Eric is apparently more interested in keeling over. Just when I think he’s on his very own trip to Fairy Land, he sort of snores and wiggles his arms around and gets back up, blood all over his face because blood never washes. He slurs that he wants more and keeps approaching Sookie long after she tells him to quit it. He flicks back her side pony tail (guess he’s a right biter). As he comes in for the bite, Sookie whisper-yells, “Don’t, Eric, you’ll kill me.” Puppy Eric’s head snaps back. Wounded, he explains that he could never hurt Sookie. The fangs retract. Relieved, Sookie tries to lead him to the cubby, but Eric’s not having it. He keeps pinching her butt (“beautiful butt,” he clarifies) and running away at vamp-speed. Finally, Sookie gets it, “Eric, you’re drunk.” Drunkety drunk drunk drunk would be more accurate, but I guess that’s close enough. Drunky Eric is like, “Duh, Snooki.” Despite dawn approaching, he’s upping grab ass to tag. “Chase me,” he implores, taking off at vamp-speed. Sookie chases him into the credits.

Summit has finally, finally released a The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 trailer (November is so far away! Hurry up and distract me, True Blood!), and it looks like Bill Condon might just pull this one off. And by "this one," I mean, "easily the most ridiculous of all the Twilight books, and that's saying something." I admire the balls-out bonkers-ness of Breaking Dawn, but you're in for a doozy. In the meantime, let's examine the evidence after the jump.

Remember last year when I was constantly distracted during the first half of the season of True Blood by Bill's sudden hotness? You know, back when he was wearing dinner jackets? Then he got back with Sookie and stopped being hot. Well, good news! I saw some new images from the upcoming season (June 26th cannot come soon enough), and Bill's hot again! Check it out for yourself:

I mean, pocket squares? It's like he's undergoing a Chuck Bass-ification. Which probably explains shit like this:

I’ve left it way too late to give you a proper recap of last Thursday’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Sun Also Rises,” but feel I must write something, so here goes: relentlessly advertizing it as the episode before the season finale, even though it focused on the season-long obsession (the sacrifice) made it pretty clear to me FROM THE JUMP that we haven’t seen the last of Klaus. If I were a betting woman, I would have split my monies thusly: the sacrifice goes according to plan (for Klaus, obvs), and he spends the next episode terrorizing everyone who tried to stop him OR the sacrifice doesn’t go according to plan, and he spends the next episode terrorizing everyone who stopped him. Instead, Klaus gets everything he wants, and we’re going to spend the next episode dealing with . . . Damon’s feelings? (More on this in a minute).

Alright, so there’s some other stuff in between. Stuff like Jenna totally dying. As much as I liked Jenna, Sara Canning was wildly underused for most of the series’ run, so it’s better for the show (and the actress, I hope) to cut its losses. A lot of her scenes in this ep, outside of the serious emotional stuff with Elena, were Vampire 101, and we’ve already been through that with Vicki and Caroline (come to think of it, why no new male vampires, show?). Again, as much as I like Jenna and Canning as Jenna, we’ve done this. Let’s move on to the good stuff, like Klaus totally ripping out Jules’ heart. Admit it: you cheered. No one liked Jules, did they?

Right, Jenna. Jenna, heartbreakingly, realizes that she’s failed Elena as her guardian (it was really more of a fail by omission, in that she never knew enough about what was happening to do a better job), so she gives protecting her ward one last effort: she sinks those brand-new vampire fangs into Greta’s neck. Unfortunately, Klaus pulls her off before she can finish the job and stakes Jenna. She dies. It’s both a devastating blow and not much of one, all things considered.

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Last Day,” proved two things: Damon is love’s bitch, and there’s little anyone can do to stop Klaus. Not that I think Elena is going to die (I’ve watched TV before, babies), but there’s no telling what the exact outcome will be. Also, the CW Rochester STILL has flippin’ sound problems during VD broadcasts. Get it together, network.

Magic Elixir Does the Body Good

The ep opens with shirtless Damon, and one of my viewing companions opines that all eps should start this way. Downstairs in front of Eternal Fireplace, Elijah is recapping the truth about the curse for Stefan and now Damon. Damon’s all about power player Bonnie, but Elena – natch – is still tweaking about her best girl dying. Damon: “I'll write her a great eulogy.”  I can only imagine! “In the months since I tried to rip Bonnie’s throat out, we developed a steamy sexual chemistry that forced us to no longer share the screen because the writers weren’t pushing a dirty, dirty vamp-witchy romance. I sure as hell thought about it, but it didn’t happen. Anyway, turns out she was cool beans. Now she’s dead. See ya, Bon-Bon! Have fun with other Bitches of Eastwick serving nature in the great beyond!”

Words to live by, Stefan. Last night’s new The Vampire Dairies, “Daddy Issues,” mostly had nothing to do with Uncle Daddy (and his spiffy new ‘do) and more to do with how vampires and werewolves and can learn to be friends if they could act more like Stefan and Caroline (and dearly departed Mason, for that matter). Stefan tries for a truce, but it all goes awry when Caroline gets kidnapped. Damon bookends the episode with time in the shower and tub, and Elena wears a ponytail all episode long. Aside from a few expositionary retcons, another delightful episode from this compulsively watchable series.

When in doubt, put Damon in the shower

The camera’s lovingly worshiping Damon’s wet form in his fabulous, spacious glassed in shower with rain shower water head, and, man alive, I bet Damon designed this room himself. The camera is sadly interrupted by the heretofore unseen MASSIVE tv in Damon’s room feeding us the news about, among other things, the missing girl Damon totally murdered last week. Oops! Everyone’s watching that same thing over at Gilbert rez because they all love breakfast television. Well, Uncle Daddy does. Elena and her ponytail (!) are too busy pumping him for information about what he’s doing there. He’s saved from having to answer his daughter’s questions by Jenna’s entrance and extremely righteous anger at seeing John again. Alaric takes about ten seconds to bolts. Heh. Unfortunately, Jenna tries to tell John that he has no right, essentially, so John tells her that as Elena’s biological dad, he’s got plenty of them. At this point, my viewing companion and I get into a disagreement about having rights v. having to go to court to assert those rights, but I seem to recall that John and Jenna were co-guardians and that John just never stepped up. Anyway, pointless. John’s there because Jenna is incapable of observing who spends the night at her house.

ANGRY DISCLAIMER: I would like to put a nice bit of Damon witticism or Stefan insight in the blog post title, I really would, but my local CW’s The Vampire Diaries sound problem was completely out of control last night. With apologies to my regular viewing companions because I’ve tried not to bring it up lest it become something that drives them nuts as well, for I can keep quiet no longer. This season, there’s a little buzz-click-click to cuts into Vampire Diaries. Maybe a whir-click-click. It happens repeatedly throughout the hour, it’s only on the CW, and it’s only during Vampire Diaries. I have no idea what’s going on over at PIX 11 (WPIX, New York), but last night’s new entry, “The Descent,” featured not only the buzz-click-click in regular rotation but combined it with the SOUND CUTTING OUT ENTIRELY. Thanks for that, PIX. So, this recap comes with a warning that I may have missed something very important thanks to the incompetence of the PIX sound people.

Okay, recap time. Wait, another apology: perhaps because I was so annoyed with the sound, this episode struck me as long. Not in a “wow, look how much they can cram into an hour” way that this show usually uses to inspire awe, but in a “how is this still going on” way. Also maybe in a “Where’s Stefan?” way.

For reals this time, the recap. Last night’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, “The Descent,” started off just right with shirtless Stefan, continued on to Damon’s best Florence Nightingale routine, and reminded Elena that she’s our brave little toaster for a reason. Also, Caroline needs a break from all the kissing.

Given that “By the Light of the Moon” aired in December instead of November, it can be forgiven for not hitting the whiz-bang heights of some of the previous episodes of The Vampire Diaries. Still, plenty to go on: Stefan and Katherine in the tomb; Damon, Bonnie, and Jeremy on Elena watch; Caroline on Tyler watch. Throw in a mysterious newcomer and some further Elijah mystery, and you’ve got yet another solid instalment of this insanely watchable series.

Teen Wolf, Too

Tyler’s watching Mason’s transformation video again, but the way that he’s also running around preparing his gear makes me think it’s not exactly for the second time. More like the hundredth. He’s resorted to leaving messages on Mason’s olde tyme answering machine, which some blonde overhears. Seriously, aren’t we past this kind of “technology” trapping? The only people who still have this kind of machine are my parents, who just discovered email a month ago. Find another way, writers. Tyler’s message, though vague, is just enough to perk up the blonde’s ears. She immediately heads from Florida to Mystic Falls (which, how fast can she drive?) to find Tyler. After talking to Lady Mayor about Mason’s disappearance, Jules (that’s the Blonde) heads to the Grill to find Tyler (for that is where Lady Mayor thinks he is), but not before making a phone call informing someone (pack master?) that Mason lied about there being no more werewolves in Mystic Falls. Hey! He died before Tyler killed that girl, okay? As far as he knew, he was the only one. Aw, I miss Mason.

Oh, The Vampire Diaries, how we’ve missed you. Thanks for “The Sacrifice.” Everyone’s protecting everyone else all over that place: Bonnie, Jeremy, Stefan, and Damon all get in on a plan to save Elena, so you know our brave little toaster’s going to turn right around and try to save all of them. Which leaves Caroline and Tyler to save each other, which in turn leaves poor Matt out in the cold. And because he doesn’t want to feel left out, Alaric sacrifices his shirt. Atta boy.

Somehow the Opening Juxtapositions Have Already Lost Their Shine

The now-canon opening cross cut isn’t doing it for me this episode, so let’s skip it. Stefan and Damon head to the tomb to have a little chat with Katherine, who’s looking wan again, but at least someone brought her a sweater. They report their chat and the intel from Slater back to Elena: they can lift the curse (not sure if they mean the Petrova curse or all three) from the moonstone, essentially rendering it a useless object, which will save Elena. Katherine will turn over the stone in exchange for her freedom, a deal the brothers have no intention of honouring. Damon: “Yup, we’re awesome.”

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “Katerina,” dealt us a heavy blow of exposition, but it was far more lively and interesting than boring ol’ “Memory Lane.” There was so much going on here that we better just dig right in.

“The” Curse

First, a bit of housekeeping: every time someone says “the curse,” you might think that they are talking about one curse, but you are wrong. Even saying “the sun and the moon curse” is still conflating ideas. From now on there are three (3!) curses : 1) the sun curse, aka the curse that restricts vampires to the night; 2) the moon curse that turns werewolves under the full moon; and 3) the Petrova curse. Speak of the devil . . .

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “Rose,” was a little lacking in the holy shit compared to “Masquerade.” Of course, it’s hard not to do. Perhaps they were simply observing the cardinal rule of taking it down a notch to avoid blowing one’s wad. If so, well played. We got deeper into the Petrova mystery, Bonnie’s witchy powers, and Salvatore heartbreak. Also, did I mention the ROAD TRIP? Let’s go.

ROAD TRIP

Stefan’s chillin’ like a villain at school (I take a minute to laugh at this continued pretence). Jeremy strolls up to point out that’s easier to get someone to cover for you if you give that someone a heads up. Stefan doesn’t know what Jer’s talking about, and it pretty soon they both realize that Elena’s unaccounted for. Stefan is going to have a meltdown.

Going into last night’s The Vampire Diaries, “Masquerade,” we knew two things: that Stefan and Damon were going to kill Katherine and that Matt was going to die to turn Tyler, which mean that we knew one more thing: neither of these characters were going to die. Not that The Vampire Diaries isn’t the kind of show that goes around just killing characters for the heck of it – because it so is and that’s one of the many reasons we love it – but because it’s too soon to kill Katherine and killing Matt would just be a waste. The great thing about this show, though, is that you’re actually on the edge of your seat wondering how these plots will be thwarted. And that how? Is so awesome. I love this show.

Because I’m Going to Kill Her

Eternal Fireplace. “Masquerade” begins with the now classic intercut intro. Damon’s administering a calming tumbler of blood to a shaken Caroline while prompting her to run the story by a newly arrived Stefan. Caroline’s story is cut with delightful little editorials from Damon. The gist: Katherine’s down at the Grill impersonating Elena. In the bathroom, she once again uses Caroline as her messenger: tell Damon and Stefan that I want the moonstone tonight at the masquerade ball. Having something Katherine wants is one thing, but having an opportunity is something neither brother can pass up. Damon immediately crows that he’s going to kill Katherine, and Stefan goes, “No, you’re not.” This goes back and forth for a short while because Somerhalder and Wesley have got the brother thing down pat, but finally Damon is like, “This is no time for your humanity, bro,” and Stefan tells the truth, “You're not going to kill her. [beat] Because I’m going to kill her.” Aw, hells ya.

If every episode of Season 6 were like "Weekend at Bobby's," I'd want to see the show go on for another six seasons. Too bad it looks like things will be more like last night's Supernatural, "Live Free or Twihard." It's a solid premise, and it goes pretty well at first: Pretty young vampires are using teen girls' Twilight fantasies to lure them out. Robert and Kristen meet twice at some club set up exclusively for these fantasies, repeating dialogue and scene-lets directly from the movies. Robert's even doing a credible Robert Pattinson. I am highly amused by the whole thing, including how massively stupid Kristen is. Soon enough, he's got her down a dark alley and those fangs he pointed to were real. Whoops! Bye, Kristen!

As monster of the week sets ups go, it's excellent. Even after that, as sleuthing begins, it's a pretty good episode. Whereas Dean calls Bobby when they need intel, Sam leans on and takes his marching orders from Grandpa Samuel. He thinks six missing girls and a jacked blood donor truck means serious business.  The camera, btw, spends about one hundred hours making sure you understand that this is a blood delivery truck. My viewing companion wonders why they need the blood bags if they've got the fresh stuff, and I reply, "Making babies," which I then further clarify as "for newborn vampires."

The Winchesters lie to some highly uninterested and never seen again dad to gain access to Kristen's hilarious goth room, littered with vampire romance novels and cardboard cutouts and bad poetry. The show doesn't even bother showing us which lie the boys used to get in the door. They crack Kristen's laptop and hit the bar where she met Robert, pegging two guys as possible vamps. Sam cruises one into a basement storage room and slices off his head. We sigh, remembering how awesome it was when he sliced Gordon's head off with razor wire. Dean learns that his young squire is just trying to get laid and remarks, "I'll be damned," when he learns that putting glitter on really can help you get laid. Since we've all seen Buffy, we know what saying, "I'll be damned," in a dark alley means. Vampired! Yup, the big guy Robert handed Kristen off to in the opening appears, calls Dean pretty, beats him up, and forces blood down his throat while Sam watches with an evil little smirk on his face.

Man alive, every episode of The Vampire Diaries should be like “Plan B:” shifting alliances, personal sacrifice, hot guys with no shirts on. Katherine continues to get me to care by being evil rather than sitting around talking about her love for Stefan, and it looks like Damon may have reason to hope he’ll win Elena yet.

Everyone Lives Happily Ever After

“Plan B” tries to win me over right away by 1) naming itself after one of the all time best episodes of Veronica Mars and 2) giving me another intercut intro like the one that kicked off “Bad Moon Rising.” It’s not as effective, but it’s still pretty good. Elena’s doing her best Bridget, staring Stefan awake while the rest of us wonder if this sleepover is really a good idea. Stefan teasingly points out that the difference between “gazing adoringly” and “staring creepily” is pretty thin, and the making out commences. Over at some charming old B&B that no doubt makes Katherine feel nostalgic, she and shirtless Mason are also in the midst of a morning make out and chat about the moonstone, which Mason has hidden and which Katherine claims means “everyone lives happily ever after” once she gets her hands on it. If I were Mason, that would be my cue to run. Katherine is, of course, wearing a black push-up bra while Elena is in a comparatively demure pink camisole, but don’t think we don’t notice the way Katherine’s bound up in that sheet soap opera-style, show. Elena cuts the making out off because she has to grab a shower (Stefan: Great, let’s go) before swinging by the Lockwoods to help decorate for next week’s masquerade ball which will no doubt have Katherine and Elena confusion and people revealing their real feelings to the wrong person in the general masquerade madness. What? I’ve watched TV before. What a coincidence, faux-marvels Stefan. He has to go help set up, too. The audience is reminded that our lovebirds will have to keep their distance for appearances’ sake, then Elena grabs a pin and much-more-reasonably-than-last-time pricks her finger tip for Stefan’s daily blood dose. Stefan looks both greedy and guilty as he reaches for her finger. Instead of looking pained or disgusted, Elena looks pleased. Mason and Katherine just keep getting it on because they are sexy adults. I think Stefan could have had the same result if he had taken the shirt off.

Last week's The Vampire Diaries, "Kill or Be Killed," certainly washed the bad taste of "Memory Lane" out of my mouth. With its focus on the shifting allegiances between the town's growing population of supernatural beasties, it seems Stefan was talking about more than just he and Damon when he said that Katherine "came here to destroy us." Looks like she came to destroy every damn person in town. Now we're getting somewhere. 

Stefan is the Nice Police

A year ago in Florida, a friend became convinced that Mason was banging his girlfriend. He wouldn't let up, and their fight quickly got out of hand. Mason accidentally cracked his friend's skull on the pavement, triggering the curse. Hey, remember Carter? Keep that in mind.