Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “Memory Lane,” was hard for me to digest. I’ve been sitting on it all week. At first I thought that the A Plot didn’t work for me because it involved a lot of sitting around and talking. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I just didn’t like “Memory Lane.” It had all the elements of a good Vampire Diaries episode: loads of action, great acting, good tension. It even boasted Katherine and Elena coming face-to-face and a hint of shirtless Salvatore. So why didn’t it work? Because suddenly everyone’s a moron.

“I could rip you to shreds and do my nails at the same time."

Katherine’s invading Stefan’s dreams. Nice touch, we haven’t seen that particular trick in a while. She’s forcing him to remember when they were terrible dancers and whipping up scenarios in which he has to suffer the sight of Elena and Damon the same way that the sight of Stefan and Elena is suffering for her. Because that’s a solid tactic? What’s her argument there? He should come back to her to make her feel better about the fact that he’s moved on? Well, okay then.

Last night’s The Vampire Diaries, “Bad Moon Rising,” gave us our first glimpse of the Lockwood curse in full form (ooo, guess what they are?), but it also showcased the Brothers Salvatore throwing themselves in harm’s way for the sake of beautiful ladies, a tragic break up, and a ROAD TRIP! Also, naked Mason. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Lycanthropy: It’s Classier than Saying Werewolf

Our opener features some nice juxtaposition: Stefan, Elena, and Damon fill Alaric (yay!) in on the latest in supernatural weirdness (Lockwoods), hoping to gain access to Isobel’s mystical Mystic Falls research while we watch Tyler stalk a running Mason through the woods. Mason checks something out at the old Lockwood plantation (which burned down, hmm), and Tyler finds a cellar of sorts with heavy duty chains and deep scratches on the walls. Alaric reveals that he never picked any of Isobel’s stuff up from Duke, so it’s time for a ROAP TRIP! And while I love a good road trip, we only saw Isobel working on a laptop at home. Surely Alaric has access to plenty of her files already.

Last night’s True Blood season finale, “Evil Is Going On,” was on the boring side. Sure, I looked at the clock at 9:42 and thought, “What else is going to happen?”, but there were a lot of cheated out “drama” moments that were scary to exactly no one except maybe Steve Newlin. On the other hand, Godric!

Spectral Godric Suggests You Forgive and Forget

Eric and Russell have switched into sunbathing positions on the Fangtasia parking lot, and it’s the usual “I can’t believe you are still this upset about your dad” stuff. Blah blah looking for goats for my wolves, blah blah too big for his britches cakes. Godric appears to Eric, glowing and robed in white and generally being awesome like you know Godric should be, and tells him to forgive Russell. It’s worth noting that Godric speaks to Eric in Swedish while Eric replies in English. Divorcing his past? At any rate, Eric’s not in the forgiving mood, so Godric tells him that Russell will find peace in death. “NOOOO!” Eric bellows into the credits.

Lots of holy shit moments in last night’s True Blood, “I Smell a Rat,” largely associated with confessions rather than dramatic actions: Tara comes clean about what happened to her, Jason comes clean about Eggs, Crystal comes clean about what she is, Arlene comes clean about the baby’s father, Jesus and Lafayette take a spiritual journey through their past. Also: Sookie is a fairy.

Sookie is a Fairy, and Eric is a Farmer

Bill’s in the midst of telling her this, while Sookie’s all, “Shut the front door,” but the minute he invokes Claudine’s name, Sookie’s ready to listen. Bill instantly recognized Sunshine Town as Bon Temps Cemetery and found out from Claudine that Sookie is a fairy. Every vampire who knows the truth wants a piece of Sookie because 1) the fay were wiped out years ago by vampires as 2) their blood is so intoxicating. Indeed, Bill finds Sookie’s blood the most delicious he has ever tasted.  So, she’s la tua cantante but for every vampire. Anyway, Bill’s happy to foreswear her blood forever just to prove his love for her (also: self-denial is his second favourite thing after self-loathing). Sookie just looks wide-eyed and misty at all of this.

Franklin returned last night to utter those words, though they apply to several of the characters in “Everything is Broken:” Eric and his massacred family and Russell and Talbot are the most obvious, but Hoyt and Jessica, Arlene and René, even Nan Flanagan and the VRA get in on the action. After last week’s cry, cry, cry, we’re getting further into the chaos that will hopefully be resolved by season’s end. Also, Bill knows what Sookie is!

The Authority Disavows Any Knowledge of Your Millennium Old Revenge Quest

Eric zips into Fantasia shirt undone, blood spattered across his head and torso, clutching his father’s crown in his fist. “Where can we hide?” he demands of a startled Pam. She recovers quickly from learning he slaughtered the King of Mississippi’s lover and suggests a human home. Eric shouts down Pam’s suggestion of Sookie’s, where they’ve both been invited in, so they call Ginger (Ginger! So glad to see that you’re still alive!) in. She’d surely let them lie low if it weren’t for the Vamp Feds currently crawling all over the club. Eric puts on his hot guy uniform (black tank) to confront them, but the mere sight of Nan Flanagan is enough to set off one of Ginger’s signature screaming fits. Ah, Ginger.

I watched the trailer for the second half of Season 3 on Saturday, so I was pretty pumped for last night's True Blood entry, "Hitting the Ground." This week, like last, pieces were being moved around for a big payoff come the finale, but it was a lot more exciting to see. I just hope that payoff's the answer to the eternal question: What are you? In the meantime, more stakings and shootings than you can shake a stick at (though why would you? Never brandish a stake if you're not going to use it).

After getting her taste, that's exactly the question Lorena asks Sookie. Sookie, however, has no time for existentialism: I'm the bitch that's gonna kill you, she replies. Lorena's doubtful, but Bill's managed to drag his ass up off the ground, and he throws his silver manacles around Lorena's neck and gestures for Sookie to grab a stake. She does but worries that she'll hit Bill through Lorena. Well, until Lorena stops squirming and fighting and simply declares, "I love you, William." That's about all Sookie can take, so Bill pushes Lorena off him just enough for Sookie to get the stake through safely. Lorena explodes spectacularly, and Bill passes out. When no amount of "BILL!"s can revive him, Sookie settles for screaming, "HELP ME!" Cue credits.

Bill Burrito

Last night’s episode of True Blood, “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues,” despite the 18A warning at the beginning and a few “holy shit!” moments, wasn’t exactly the stuff of wonders. Pieces were getting moved around for pay off later. Lots of shirtless Bill but not in a good way, teeny dash of naked Alcide but not until the very end, continuously sweatered Eric. On the other hand, I did offer to marry that sea foam cashmere sweater, so make of that what you will. Engagements, escapes, and at least one vampire goes splat. Actually, maybe this episode was better than I thought.

Mississippi

Russell and his goons are dragging Bill and Sookie into Nutt’s Folly (Alcide and Cooter are mysteriously absent) and the music is dramatic as fuck and then Eric, Talbot, and Lorena roll in, and that’s when all hell breaks loose. Bill breaks off a table leg and stakes the melted face vamp from last week and jumps on Russell’s shoulders to stake him (Bill’s a monkey?), but Russell shrugs him off. Just shrugs and sends Bill flying into the ceiling. “I’m 3000 years old!” he yells, as if a vamp of less than 200 years could stake him. Talbot’s having a meltdown over their ruined home (I’ll admit that a Bill-shaped crater in my ceiling would put me off, too), so Russell tasks Eric with keeping an eye on Sookie and Lorena with killing the treasonous Bill while he tends to his lover. Bill and Sookie are begging Eric to help Sookie, and Eric decides to put his revenge first. He laughs in their faces, all “Ha-ha, help the human!” Sookie is surely of interest to his Queen, he admits, but humans are beneath him. Also, men are his thing, just FYI. I love that Eric can flirt just by towering over someone. Lorena, meanwhile, looks like someone slapped her at the mere sight of Sookie (why, why can’t she ever be free of this waitress?) and stricken to have to take Bill to the “slave quarters.” Lorena and Sookie get into it over Bill. Lorena: “Without that sanctimonious little prick Godric to save you, I would just love to rip you open and wear your ribcage as a hat.” Let me tell you how insane that line is: 1) Lorena watched Buffy and took her imagery, “wear your ribcage has a hat,” from our little slayer and 2) Eric has no reaction to the categorization of Godric as a “sanctimonious little prick.” He must be really hell bent on vengeance because otherwise that’s a stakable offence, right?

There was plenty of “Trouble” to be had in last night’s True Blood: Sam finally got a clue about his grody bio-family, Russell finally got a clue about Sookie’s real deal, and Eric finally got the Operation Werewolf clue he was looking for.

Franklin, Tara, and Talbot have moved from the foyer to the dining room, where Franklin is busy crossing Tara’s legs and fluffing her hair and generally treating her like a Real Doll. Pretty soon Franklin and Talbot are hissing at each other, fangs out, so that’s when the thoroughly bloodied Russell, Lorena, and Bill wander in, the former two laughing and the latter one making sad Bill faces like he always does. I love that blood doesn’t wash on this show. It’s all over them. On Lorena’s back, even! Sidebar: I recently re-watched the Buffy pilot, “Welcome to the Hellmouth” and “The Harvest,” and it was a curiously bloodless affair. I’m so accustomed to grue that I kind of surprised at the innocence of it all. Even Stefan had blood dripping from his mouth on the CW (née the WB) this year. Anyway, Tara’s all, “WTF, Bill? HELP ME!” Bill: “No.” Credits!

Franklin and Tara, Together Forever

[Ed. note: Post delayed due to Bluesfest]

Sunday’s episode of True Blood, “9 Crimes,” was, as always, filled with ideas we can barely get our heads around: Eric’s continued emotionality, Bill’s continued hotness, Sam’s continued stupidity. Fortunately, we have Sookie’s continued insanity, Jason’s continued stupidity, and Tara’s continued worst life ever to pull our feet back to the ground. Not Eric’s, though, since he goes flying around way more than usual. All this and a shirtless Alcide. Is there anything on television quite like True Blood?

Mississippi Werewolves and the Vampires Who Feed Them

Are you a fan of Jackson Rathbone?

Who?

Last night's episode of True Blood, "It Hurts Me, Too," was filled with lots of important lessons: how to dispose of dead bodies, how to conceal the identities of dead bodies, how to use dead bodies to manipulate people. In addition to dead bodies, "It Hurts Me, Too" also contained the two weirdest sex scenes this show has ever had and the werewolf equivalent of Fangtasia. Show, don't ever change.

Dead Body Disposal: Find a Fresh Grave

Sookie fires her gun, but Eric jumps in the bullet's path. They need the werewolf alive to question him. The scent of Eric's blood returns the wolf to human form, and it's the same stringy haired dude from outside Merlotte's. He starts sucking down Eric's blood, but Eric manages to get the upper hand long enough to demand who his master is. They tussle. The wolf tries to bolt, so Sookie shoots him in the leg. The wolf refuses to give up his master's name, knowing he's dead either way, so Eric agrees by ripping the wolf's throat out. From the look on Eric's face after he takes a bite, werewolf tastes nasty. Eric looks up at Sookie, blood rapidly pooling, "I got your rug all wet." Dirty! Also, I can't believe the Stackhouse rez has any carpets in it, given how often they would need to be scrubbed. Hardwood flooring is the only way to go.

[Ed. note: Technical difficulties prevented this post from going up sooner.]

In last night's True Blood, "Beautifully Broken," several amazing things happened: the king of Mississippi rode a horse, someone finally made eyes at Lafayette, Godric was back, Sam met his parents, Bill killed Lorena, and Sookie invited Eric in. All that and sexy James Frain? Damn, show. There really is nothing like it on television.

Bill's on a Horse

Thank goodness for last night's season three True Blood premiere, "Bad Blood." Not too much happened in the "Holy Shit" department, but plenty of wheels were set in motion for a season's worth of conflict. Also, loads of naked people. Ah, show, how we've missed you.

Bill and the Mississippi Werewovles

The show picks up right where we left off. Sookie tears out of that washroom ready to accept Bill's proposal (how long she know him?), but he's gone. She checks with the waitress, who can only lament the trouble vampires bring to her restaurant, before she calls Kenya (this fancy French restaurant is within the Bon Temps Police Department's jurisdiction? Maybe they're a parish police force). Kenya, however, is not so inclined to look into missing persons who've been gone for less than 48 hours and aren't persons anyway.

CLINT EASTWOOD: 35 FILMS 35 YEARS AT WARNER BROS

DIRECTOR: VARIOUS

Starring: Clint Eastwood

Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood has touched generations of filmgoers for over half a century. The five-time Academy Award winner has made an indelible mark as one of Hollywood’s most iconic actors and insightful directors. In honor of Eastwood’s long standing 35 year relationship with Warner Bros. through Malpaso Productions, this definitive collection celebrates Eastwood’s entire filmography at the studio from Where Eagles Dare (1968) through Gran Torino (2008) all packaged in an elegant giftset. Also included is an all-new documentary about Eastwood’s life and career produced by esteemed film critic and historian Richard Schickel, featuring in-depth interviews and revealing, intimate footage never-before-seen plus rare photos and letters.

Films included:

GENRE: VARIOUS
FORMAT: DVD & ASSORTED SINGLE BLU-RAY’S

"Holy Shit!" was pretty much the theme of last night The Vampire Diaries episode "Founder's Day" (also, thank goodness that stupid Founder's gimmick is over. At least I hope it is). Notably, Katherine has finally returned, as we've been waiting for her since we found out she was never in the tomb. Also, I heard that two characters were going to die, but it's worse: three characters die plus a boatload of extras, two lives hang in the balance, and Katherine's back. Oh, did I mention that? Just wanted to make sure you knew.

Death, Death, Death

The tomb refugees that weren't already staked have chosen the Founder's Day festivities for their little founding families massacre. They're even smart enough to know not to try to feed (in case of vervain), just kill. John gets wind of this plan, so he decides to follow through with Original Recipe Jonathan's plan: use the device to expose the vampires, round them up, and burn the lot. In fact, John decides that his brother's empty medical practice is the perfect location for the bonfire. Exactly when the tomb refugees plan to attack, John sets off the device: essentially, it's like the headache inducer we've seen Grams and Bonnie use against Damon and Stefan, respectively, only much more powerful and with a far wider reach. Anna tries to warn Damon, who tries to warn Stefan, but they all go down anyway. The way Damon grabbed Elena's hand, who never let go of Stefan's hand, so they were all walking along hand-in-hand, was really sweet, though (pictured). Anna falls in the Grill's Ladies' Room while trying to warn Jeremy about the impending death to founders and gets carted off by some deputies, despite Jeremy's screaming and fighting. Stefan falls while he and Elena are trying to get away, but Alaric convinces the deputy that he's got this one before the deputy can pump Stefan with vervain. Poor Damon falls with no one to protect him, so off he goes.

In last night's episode of The Vampire Diaries, "Under Control," we were assured that with only three episodes left in the season, absolutely everything is headed for a catastrophic breaking point. Can't wait. Also, before we continue, still no sign of Bonnie, only a mention of Caroline. I get that these actors' contracts probably don't allow for them to be in every episode, but they should really work on that for next season.

Stefan's Still On the Juice

Apparently after last week's episode ending binge, Stefan quit human blood again cold turkey, which led to a work out montage with which I have no arguments. It's not so easy for Stefan to wean himself off, though: in a scene out of Twilight, during a sexy moment with Elena, he's overwhelmed with blood lust and sends himself flying into the furthest wall, breaking a lamp in the process. Later, he turns to drink to keep the edge off (parroting Damon from earlier in the season), which introduces us to Drunk Stefan. Paul Wesley, thank you for Drunk Stefan, as he is a sight to behold. It's quickly revealed that while Sober Stefan takes the Brandon Walsh approach to dance (he doesn't), Drunk Stefan is all about it, going so far as a compel the DJ at the latest Founder's Shenanbon to start up a dance party. Unfortunately, some rageholic flips when Elena bumps him during some too vigorous dancing, so Stefan compels him to apologize like he means it. Also unfortunately, this scene was too dark and at an odd angle such that I suspected that Rageoids was only faking being compelled and was mere moments away from outing Stefan to the Council. That didn't turn out to be the case, but Rageoids will get his chance after he decides to attack (!) Stefan in the parking lot, so embarrassed/annoyed (!!) is he at having to apologize. Stefan, who is fleeing the party after almost snacking on Kelly (more on that in the minute), breaks Rageoids' fist and considers helping himself to some sweet, sweet blood, but continues on his plan to flee the scene when Elena shows up looking for him. Later, completely tweaking, he confesses to Elena that this withdrawal is much worse than the last, and he's not certain she's safe with him. Elena decides that she is anyway (minus point, but plus point for mentioning that it's scary to just appear in someone's bedroom, so wash). But Damon's got to have the last word: after laying out all the trouble they're in, Damon deliberately leaves unattended a glass of sweet, sweet blood behind, and Stefan throws it down with style. Ah, damn. Love it. Also:

Summit plans to release the The Twilight Saga: Eclipse trailer in front of Robert Pattinson's new feature, Remember Me, which opens tomorrow, which is why the trailer's on the Internet today. Oh, sweet Internet, what do you have for us this time out? More shirtless Lautner? More wolf vs. vampire battles? More unbuttoning? Let's see:

Excellent news, fang-bangers: TwiCon got booted from its location in downtown Toronto thanks to this little thing called the G20 summit, so they relocated to Landsdowne Park. Say, what? Yup, Ottawa was on the radar, and now it's the place to be June 25 to 27 for TwiHards, TwiMoms, and people who like Sam from True Blood. He's going to be here, and, as your ace vampire reporter, I'm going to have to be there. It's the least I can do. Just like showing you this photo from Eclipse.  You're welcome.

Slim pickings for standard Hollywood fare this weekend. You've got Valentine's Day, which looks like someone plucked three scenes each from a pile of rom-coms and stuck them together rather than figuring an entire movie out; Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief, which gets no points for incredibly long title and also revolves around three teens who find out they're demi-gods who need to retrieve the bolt from the lightening thief; and The Wolfman, because werewolves are hot right now, and no one noticed that Benicio Del Toro isn't aging well.

Over at the Bytowne, you can check out The Last Station, for which Helen Mirren received an Oscar nod,  and New York, I Love You, because even the Bytowne's not resistant to splashing something with a big heart over St. Valentine's Day.

Finally, the Mayfair has prepared a smorgasbord of love and love-hate movies (notably Audition in the latter category), though you'd do well to start with tonight's Painted Lips and Lolly Licks: Sexy Film Festival.